Made my plans to leave next week but am so scared

[Coco26]

I’ve been making my plans to leave abusive and controlling husband and have been building strength over the last couple of months. I no longer feel guilty that I’m going to leave, I can’t live like this any longer, I can’t stand being anywhere near him. I need to give my daughter somewhere safe to blossom and grow into the amazing woman she is going to be. Not allow her to be terrified and belittled and controlled and not able to enjoy her life.

But now that the date is so close I am so scared and don’t know how to plan the final bits. I don’t know what to put in the letter I plan to leave, whether to answer calls from him. Will I be better knowing what his reaction is? I feel so scared I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep, or leave the house, waiting to see if he finds out where we are and if he’ll try to hurt us. I’m terrified of him coming home whilst we’re getting everything in the car. And the covid situation makes everything worse. The people I’ve told have been really supportive but I’ll be on my own as I’m in an area where you can’t visit people in their home. I wish I could fast forward and be out the other side

Have just read the thread.
Keep that strength for you and your daughter.
You have had the strength do to the hardest thing, which was leaving. You will flourish away from him and your daughter will too, and she will look upto you with admiration that you have done this for her ♥️

Wish you all the luck in the world. You deserve to be happy 😊

You can do this!!

Give yourself time. Remember you deserve better. I'm sending good vibes and flowers your way

"like a brainwashed cult member deprived of your leader. You will need extra therapy and life is hard on your own. But you can not go back because he will fucking destroy you if you do.

And you will lose your daughter.
^
Claiming he doesnt know why know is he?... Devasteted......All part of the script.^

Gah... sorry for typos

I mean this in the kindest way possible: You should take the fact that he doesn't know what he has done wrong as absolute validation that you have done the right thing. He believes he has done nothing wrong. This is the man who has been so abusive and controlling to you that you have had to leave and that even planning your departure has caused you stress and terror. And he believes he has done nothing wrong.

@Coco26 I can't stress enough that this, above, is something you need to pay attention to. This was exactly my situation. He'll never accept any blame whatever, he brushes off any attempts to explain clearly why I left. Deep down he knows, but he can't admit it, because that would mean accepting blame, and he can't do that.

Yes I was relieved to leave, but my emotions did jump all over the place over the next few days until I began to settle. It wasn't instant.

Don't fall for his poor me act. Please just don't. Without anger lay out EXACTLY why you left - do not talk to him. He will have an answer for everything and will talk you down.

This, as well. I couldn't talk to him because he'd twist everything until I agreed that everything ever was my fault. I wrote a letter, because he'd persuaded my dad that he needed answers. I told dad it would be a waste of time, and I told dad excatly what I'd get in return, I could predict it. Dad was so shocked when lo and behold, the brushing off and minimising and twisting I predicted happened. Dad could not dismiss it as me not understanding, it was all written down to see.

Dad doesn't like him anyway, but dad's a people pleaser, too, hence asking me to write a letter of reasons (and I only put a few of the worst examples in, like sexual abuse and rape - he dismissed this as "just trying to spice our sex life up").

Take your time before talking, if you ever need to talk. Otherwise it can all be done in writing. You have time to read and re-read anything in writing before sending. Don't agree to anything where you are pressured into an instant response. If he calls, "I'll think about it and get back to you" with no timeframe is best right now.

Thank you everyone. Just rang some said and know I need to give myself time. It’s old to feel sad about what’s happened. I can’t go back, I don’t want to go back. I just need some time to feel stronger. And some sleep

You are so much stronger than you realise! Well done you!

Wow @Coco26 you are amazing. I can only echo what @MarriedtoDaveGrohl said... list the issues in black and white. He can't really deny or pretend and that is evidence for court if it ever gets that far.
OF COURSE he is gutted, wronged, bla bla bla, its the show he will put on for everyone.
YOU'RE A FUCKING WOMAN WARRIOR!! Have a glass of wine and a hug with your DD.

@coco26 you are amazing. Stay strong. You have done the right thing. He may be acting bewildered but he knows. He knows. Don't fall for his act - you don't have to talk to him. You are amazing!

@Coco26

Feeling shattered today, had no sleep. I’m not feeling any joy yet, just sad and scared. He’s devastated and confused and doesn’t have any idea why we’ve gone. I’m dreading talking to him but feel like I need to. Everyone has been really supportive. he’s not being aggressive, I think he’s falling apart. I feel like I did she I first admitted that I needed to leave to my sister, like I’m falling a paper. I don’t know how I’m going to cope when she has to go home

I have a different view from some others. I don’t think you owe him an explanation at all. I also think he knows exactly why you left.

Have you really never once in, what, 20 years told him that you were unhappy? Told him how you were affected by his behaviour ? Did he listen then and change ? No. So why do you think he will listen now?

He wants to hear your reasons so he can go through them one at a time and argue them all away. You will be confused, a liar, a fantasist or mentally ill. Everything that you write in a letter / email will be turned back and used against you.

He thinks its like some student debate where the person with the best arguments and who shouts the loudest and bangs on the table wins.

He wants to know what evidence the prosecution have against him so he can prepare the case for the defence.

But you are not in court or even a debate. You don’t have to prove that you are right and hes wrong.

So only write if you feel strong enough to take that. Know that your precious words and most painful and private emotions will be misused and quoted out of context and rubbished.

Personally I would write an email but never send it. Id keep to remind myself why I left.

And no, he’s not devasted. Hes very VERY angry at your disobedience and very embarassed at how you have shown him up in front of everyone . You have made him look bad and as soon as he can get hold of you he’s going to punish you for that. I expect he is busy doing image management right now.

He knows that “I'm devastated / lost without you / suicidal / have lost two stone / have started drinking / using again / I think i have cancer / Covid “ is the best way to get public sympathy and push your butttons.

So please think very carefully before you do anything. Remember he's a master manipulator and liar and you are at your most vulnerable right now.

^^Everything in the post above. Print it out and read it every day with breakfast. Make it your shield.

S00LA is so right.

Tonight just focus on a nice dinner and some sleep. There is time for everything else, but I promise everything will feel better with sleep.

Just think and look to your DD and the emotionally crippling childhood experience he has given her.

You need your all focus now - time, headspace, emotional energy - to undo all the damage he has caused her and to proactively focus on rebuilding her to blossom into the wonderful woman she deserves to be.

You cannot be in two places at once - continue to choose your DD.

She deserves it and you deserve to see your DD flourish. Do not expend one drop if your finite and precious emotional energy on him - he has drained and robbed you both of so much already.

My opinion may well be less valid because I’m male. But, I am in strong agreement with PPs who stated that you do not owe him any explanation. It is not your job to try to cure the wilful blindness of an abuser to his own behaviour. Plus, you cannot cure it anyway. Only he can do that himself.

So use all of your energy to care for yourself, first.

Stay strong you don't have to talk to him and I strongly advise against it as he has been so abusive over the years.

You left because you have been unhappy for a long time and you don't like him and there is so love left for him.

Do it confuse your guilt and sadness as love for him.

Everything that SOOLA said, with knobs on. Take care of yourself and DD, and let your H stew in his own self-inflicted juice.

@YankeeDad

My opinion may well be less valid because I’m male. But, I am in strong agreement with PPs who stated that you do not owe him any explanation. It is not your job to try to cure the wilful blindness of an abuser to his own behaviour. Plus, you cannot cure it anyway. Only he can do that himself.

So use all of your energy to care for yourself, first.

In this instance it is absolutely not less valid. And is certainly not less correct.

"It is not your job to cure the wilful blindness of an abuser to his own behaviour". Absolutely. OP the key word here is wilful. You think he's doesn't know he's a controlling prick? He does. The Mr Sad Man is just another act. A very common one I might add! Pop a thread on relationships asking about pigs leaving behaviour and you'll get a carbon copy of his behaviour and a completely accurate prediction if his future behaviour.

These people really do have no imagination.

A thread about behaviour of abusers after you've left I meant!

Sleep darling girl - just sleep - rest and sleep. You deserve it. Dream sweet lovely dreams. And rest. That's what you need.

I am also in the 'do not speak to or communicate with him' camp!

He doesn't need you to explain anything to him. He knows what he has done. He will never agree that anything was his fault, will blame you for everything and will be very angry. The anger may not show yet but it will at some point soon. He will try everything to get you back in your box and back with him.

Now is the time to lay low. Ignore any messages from him and any flying monkeys.

When you need to start communications about divorce, do so via email and ignore anything that he says unless it is about the divorce ie grey rock him. My children were younger than your dd, I think but I only responded to messages from my then stbxh that were about arrangements for the children or the divorce. All declarations of love (and there were many!) and steams of abuse were ignored but I kept them all as a record.

glad to see you are out OP 🌺

S00LA is completely right.
5 word maximum sentences & remember the grey rock Mantra
If you feel any explanation is necessary......
I wasn't happy
You know why
It is my decision
DD has her own mind
Sol. will be in touch
No

Great advice from @Mix56 and other PP above who have been in your shoes. You’ve got this, OP. It’s going to be very difficult at first but you will get there. Keep posting here for support.

Hello

As an ex DV advisor, I'm agreeing with everyone.

No contact to let it fade away.....

If he wants to play tennis with you and hits you a shot, which he has done.....and you hit back, which you're thinking about, whose shot is next?

To stop the game, YOU must put your racket down.

And also, remember the analogy of the tiny little bull raging about in the tiny little pen. Watch for the aggression when you refuse to speak to him. That's another reason not to play with him anymore.

All you do is stay away from him. Be creative in how you can avoid contact, just for today. And then do it again tomorrow. Can you leave the phone while you unpack? Can your sister listen to any messages? Can you not read the emails, forward to sis and double delete?

You, at this time, are vulnerable. Your thinking leans towards him, thinking you have to toe his line for safety. It's so awful and scary at the beginning, and no matter who is there, so lonely. I get it.

Check out a book called Purple Dragon Mother, its about abuse and has an excellent bit in it about cutting contact with abusive people xxx

My advice for today is to not respond to him, to do all you can to keep that contact away from you, do practical tasks to make your new home yours, and reflect on it all xxx

@something2say that analogy is great! When you put it like that... Spot on