bf earns more than me & tells me daily he wants me forever

[Deeplane]

Name changed for this.

We've been together for almost 2 years. He is the my bf, best friend and lover, he's wonderful. He tells me he loves me each day and wants to be with me forever. I feel the same. However there is something that has been on my mind. . .

Since we've been together, Ive paid for nearly half of everything. I don't bring in much money (bf has always know this) and due to being a single mum, retraining and having to give up my promising career, I don't bring in much money. Im not 100% sure how much bf earns (I don't pry) but I do know its way above 6 figures. So in effect, he's making 5 times more net than me per month. I do know that he hasn't any capital due to a recent divorce, paying off the ex and has kids at uni to pay for.

We are both generous in nature and so far we've taken it in turns to pay for everything.In the last few months I've been skint and told bf this on text (because I hate talking about money). He's thanked me for telling him and that was where it ended.

These are some of the scenarios that have bothered me lately;

He goes out and buys himself breakfast with Coffee and doesn't ask if I would like anything. When I go to his place, I always ask him what he'd like or just take over food and Wine.

He often comes to my place and I buy, cook and make him a meal with drinks. He rarely does this in return and hasn't cooked for me for 6 months.

Whenever we go out with my 2 children, I always pay for the 4 of us which ends up being pricey. He does offer to contribute on occasion, but this offer seems half hearted so I always politely refuse.

He no longer buys me little gifts like he did in the first year of us being together. Things such as flowers on impulse, duvet covers, inexpensive jewellery, sexy underwear or anything because I said I liked it or he noticed that I needed it. I've bought him items that have broken in his house that need replacing and romantic gifts lately but Im starting to lessen these as I don't receive and don't feel like giving so much these days.

I seem to be paying for more. We used to often go to the pub and buy rounds of drinks/food in turn. Since I told him I'm in overdraft this month, he insisted we go to the pub one evening and bought us 2 rounds. I hate to admit it, but I felt gutted. It isn't what would have happened if the situation was reversed.

Lately he's also made grand gestures to pay for things that I need that I cant afford such as dentistry or solicitors fees.He also offered to be a guarantor for my car loan and didn't follow through so I didn't get the Car. I didn't ASK for it but Im baffled as to why he would even say these things when he wasn't going to follow through with them. Was he trying to make me feel better about my financial situation somehow?

He is very loving in ways that I cannot explain so I don't have a problem with him as a person. Its just that if I were the person who earned much more than the person I love and want forever, I know I would be paying more without question. He is often planning our lives together, as am I.
If I the tables were reversed (which they could be one day), I wouldnt think twice about paying proportionately to our earnings, let alone helping him out in times of need.

He tells me he loves me everyday and is very affectionate but Im heartbroken that he knows this month I'm in overdraft and he hasn't once offered to reimburse me for shopping that I willingly bought him, let alone offered to take me out anywhere.

Having said all this, he may be in a shitty financial position and hasn't told me about it, although he has alluded to it in the past. We haven't discussed the finer details of our finances because we're living separate lives for now.

Please don't analyse my words, I'm in bits about this and hate discussing money which is why it has got this far. Im a kind generous person so please no references to me being a pushover/mug/doormat thanks!

I'm just hoping l'll get some impartial advice here. Am I expecting too much or is this how an equal relationship works these days?

Thanks for reading.

Well, no it doesn't sound equal. As much as you hate talking about money, I think you are going to have to sit down with him and go over finances. He's perhaps not a selfish person, but maybe too used to only having to think about himself and doesn't think? I've been in a similar situation and it's a shame for money to spoil something that is otherwise good.

On the other hand, maybe he's just a tight wad. What does your gut tell you?

You feel badly done to and you feel worse because he is tight and therefore every tight thing he does is a red marker for you now.

You sound generous by nature and he sounds tight.

My son once said to me you don't get rich by giving to every Tom Dick and Harry on the way up. You wait until you are rich and then when you can really afford it - you give.

Stop being so generous. Tell him you don't have the same lifestyle as he, and don't expect anything. Take a deep breath.. it will be alright. He probably feels as uncomfortable as you are feeling right now.

hexmeginny

Thanks for your reply.

My gut tells me he is a generous loving person and is not a skinflint at all. Perhaps its been me offering so much or not accepting things in the past that has resulted in this. It might even be my fault but I wished that he would at least step up during my time of need. Especially after having been super close and loving towards each other so far.

What happened in your similar situation? Did it resolve? Please don't say you split!

It does sound like he should contribute more to the food/wine thing and cook for you as sounds like you are doing this often.
I wouldn't read in to the gifts thing, me and DP rarely buy each other things I had some pandora charms and get flowers every few months maybe but I wouldnt expect to receive these things.
He may earn way more but I tend to find people live by their means so he may be a big earner but also have big expenditures such as huge mortgage, car loan or money to ex/kids.

I was a bit confused about you being gutted he bought you two rounds of drinks this month when you're in your overdraft? What's wrong with that?🤔

If you are planning a future with this man you have to learn how to talk about money with him.

He sounds tight tbh but he might have just forgotten what actually being skint is like. People often forget, when they've got enough money, that 'I can't afford it' means 'I don't have the money' not 'it's overpriced'.

I would stop buying him food and taking him things.
Maybe pay for things separately. This is going to build up so I think you need to talk about it.
I would withdraw a bit and focus on you and your kids. Only pay for stuff you need for you and your kids. You shouldn't be in your overdraft because of a man.
He sounds quite mean.

When I go to his place, I always ask him what he'd like or just take over food and Wine. He often comes to my place and I buy, cook and make him a meal with drinks. He rarely does this in return and hasn't cooked for me for 6 months.

So either way, you are paying. Interesting that you call him generous. I wouldn't. I wonder if someone has said something to him which has stopped the gifts he used to buy you.

You do need to have a conversation about finances, if you can't be open and honest with each other then you need to look at the relationship as a whole.

I was in a similar boat to you op. I had dc and always paid my /their share. We are married but have separate finances. Resentment and bitterness has crept in...
Speak out. Does he make you feel you should be grateful if he is generous? Get out if he does imo.

Anordinarymum

'My son once said to me you don't get rich by giving to every Tom Dick and Harry on the way up. You wait until you are rich and then when you can really afford it - you give'.

Well this has me in floods of tears but its correct. Ive given too much away in my life. It's seems as though he's now in good place financially but wouldnt truly be willing to share his life . . .with anyone.

I do believe he loves me but we cant ever lead the same lifestyles because I'll never catch up with him.He's clearly demonstrated that he isn't the sharing type. I would literally give him the clothes of my back. But we're different people.

So I guess its over. Devastated .

Why hasn't he cooked for you in 6 months?

That's odd

It doesn't have to be over but I would stop buying him food, pay your own way on days out and don't feel ashamed to ask him for his contribution, you have 2 children to support so it's not fair to give more than your able to.
I guess he doesn't see you as his mrs yet, if talks of moving in come up I would be very honest and explain how you could afford it as you can't match his salary.

Nothing more off putting to me in a partner than someone ungenerous (that works both ways,
Makes/ females)....it’s not about 50/50 every time or proportionate to earnings- just the art of treating and generosity of spirit is important

Deeplane

We did split actually, but not related to money so panic not!

I also don't get the gifts thing. As poster above said, maybe stop being so generous! just tell him you're finding it hard to keep up with the spending - this might open up a natural discussion about money... Whatever you decide, you cannot let it fester. Resentment will grow...

In my case, I learned the hard way that unless you spell it out, natural spendthrifts are unlikely to get the message.

@Deeplane

Anordinarymum

'My son once said to me you don't get rich by giving to every Tom Dick and Harry on the way up. You wait until you are rich and then when you can really afford it - you give'.

Well this has me in floods of tears but its correct. Ive given too much away in my life. It's seems as though he's now in good place financially but wouldnt truly be willing to share his life . . .with anyone.

I do believe he loves me but we cant ever lead the same lifestyles because I'll never catch up with him.He's clearly demonstrated that he isn't the sharing type. I would literally give him the clothes of my back. But we're different people.

So I guess its over. Devastated .

I don't really understand why you are being so dramatic with the whole 'I guess its over Devastated.' He obviously doesn't mean that much to you if you won't even talk to the man. If you love him as much as you say you so then why wouldn't you raise your issues and discuss them like adults?

Being skint means different things to different people. Many people go into their overdraft every month and aren't bothered by it. You're dopping subtle clues about your finances and it's clear he's not picking up on them. That's down to you, not him. I don't think you've been clear enough while you're still, seemingly happily, paying out for things.

Your fear of discussing money (like an adult) means you are expecting him to be a mind reader and now resenting him for failing to do so. You are willing buy him groceries, but expect him to know you want to be reimbursed without you actually saying it, and when he doesn't you resent him. You, I presume willingly, buy the food and cook when he comes to yours. Have you ever told him this is causing you financial hardship? You willingly buy wine when you go to his? Have you ever told him you would like the same back?

You expect him to behave in a certain way: the way you do or you presume you would do if you had money. But he's not you, any more than he's a mind reader. He is an individual who you have not communicated your wants, needs or expectations to.

You're setting tests for him and he's failing them because he doesn't know they're a test, let alone how to pass them.

Unless you actually communicate you're going to end up resentful and he's going to end up completely confused about what the problem actually is. He doesn't sound tight, he sounds like he's used to the way things are and you've allowed him to believe your fine with it too.

You don't need to discuss the finer details, but you need to be honest: I can't afford to keep feeding you; I can't go to the pub this month as I can't afford it; I can't bring wine because I'm into my overdraft and I hate when that happens; I'd like you to bring wine/flowers when you come to dinner; I don't need big gestures, I like the little day to day one. Like an adult.

I don't really understand why you are being so dramatic with the whole 'I guess its over Devastated.' He obviously doesn't mean that much to you if you won't even talk to the man. If you love him as much as you say you so then why wouldn't you raise your issues and discuss them like adults?

Yes, that is very dramatic! Escalated quickly....

It doesn't have to be over OP if you can get him to have an open conversation about money. After 2 years together you should be able to say to him everything you said in your OP. It will go one of either 2 ways;

1. the penny will drop and you'll be able to see each other's financial situation and work together on things being fairer
2. he won't discuss in which case yes it should be over, because a long term relationship needs open conversation about finances

It doesn't have to be over. Have you ever read about Gottman? Or the Relationship Contract? Or Gary Chapman?

All these relationship experts agree that we need to be having clear communication about our values (inc about money) when we go into a LTR. You could have some meaningful conversations and see where you go from there.

Sunnydaysstillhere
'Does he make you feel you should be grateful if he is generous? Get out if he does imo'.

Nope, he never does. Never mentions anything he's done or given to me. He always gives gracefully and never brings it up after.

Festivalgirl83

'I was a bit confused about you being gutted he bought you two rounds of drinks this month when you're in your overdraft? What's wrong with that?🤔'

I don't know but a chat over drinks in a pub is one of our stress releasors. It's just our thing that we do often. Perhaps the 1 month I truly couldn't afford it, I hoped that he would just keep it up and pay knowing I would return the favour when possible.

I don't really understand why you keep spending.

You're in your overdraft, if he wants to go to the pub, the answer is no, sorry I can't afford it.

If he wants to go for a meal, the answer is no, sorry I can't afford it.

When you go round to his, if he asks what's for dinner, the answer is what food have you got?

If eating out and socialising in pubs is important to him then he'll have to pay, otherwise you have 2 perfectly good homes where you can spend time together watching a movie for free.

In your breakfast example, what do you mean? Are you there when he gets himself breakfast but not you? Does he eat it in front of you?

I also don’t get the pub example. Who bought the drinks?

Look ,tell him you can't afford to see him atm as it costs you a fortune. He'll probably readily agree to wait and then you can have a think about your future together.

Stop shelling out for stuff. He can afford to replace his own broken shit.

No more days out or anything else that you're paying for in total. Tell him you can't afford to carry another adult. You don't have to mention his income at all.

No more shirt off your back. It's time to stop.

Your fear of discussing money (like an adult) means you are expecting him to be a mind reader and now resenting him for failing to do so. You are willing buy him groceries, but expect him to know you want to be reimbursed without you actually saying it, and when he doesn't you resent him. You, I presume willingly, buy the food and cook when he comes to yours. Have you ever told him this is causing you financial hardship? You willingly buy wine when you go to his? Have you ever told him you would like the same back?

This^ is the bit of this thread you really need to read

I don't understand the thing about buying two rounds of drinks. So he took over paying that night when it was your turn, is that correct?

I understand where you're coming from. It sounds like you're not wired quite the same as each other when it comes to money, which is surely a common occurence.

Is it possible that he has simply got the impression from you that you don't like accepting payment from him for things? If you're a generous person, you probably haven't been insisting he pays his share for things. Sounds like you need to find a way to talk to him about all this. Tell him you've got something to talk to him about, and it's something you really find difficult to talk about. If he's as nice as you say I'm sure he'll understand and maybe be horrified you're so upset by it?