bf earns more than me & tells me daily he wants me forever

[Deeplane]

Name changed for this.

We've been together for almost 2 years. He is the my bf, best friend and lover, he's wonderful. He tells me he loves me each day and wants to be with me forever. I feel the same. However there is something that has been on my mind. . .

Since we've been together, Ive paid for nearly half of everything. I don't bring in much money (bf has always know this) and due to being a single mum, retraining and having to give up my promising career, I don't bring in much money. Im not 100% sure how much bf earns (I don't pry) but I do know its way above 6 figures. So in effect, he's making 5 times more net than me per month. I do know that he hasn't any capital due to a recent divorce, paying off the ex and has kids at uni to pay for.

We are both generous in nature and so far we've taken it in turns to pay for everything.In the last few months I've been skint and told bf this on text (because I hate talking about money). He's thanked me for telling him and that was where it ended.

These are some of the scenarios that have bothered me lately;

He goes out and buys himself breakfast with Coffee and doesn't ask if I would like anything. When I go to his place, I always ask him what he'd like or just take over food and Wine.

He often comes to my place and I buy, cook and make him a meal with drinks. He rarely does this in return and hasn't cooked for me for 6 months.

Whenever we go out with my 2 children, I always pay for the 4 of us which ends up being pricey. He does offer to contribute on occasion, but this offer seems half hearted so I always politely refuse.

He no longer buys me little gifts like he did in the first year of us being together. Things such as flowers on impulse, duvet covers, inexpensive jewellery, sexy underwear or anything because I said I liked it or he noticed that I needed it. I've bought him items that have broken in his house that need replacing and romantic gifts lately but Im starting to lessen these as I don't receive and don't feel like giving so much these days.

I seem to be paying for more. We used to often go to the pub and buy rounds of drinks/food in turn. Since I told him I'm in overdraft this month, he insisted we go to the pub one evening and bought us 2 rounds. I hate to admit it, but I felt gutted. It isn't what would have happened if the situation was reversed.

Lately he's also made grand gestures to pay for things that I need that I cant afford such as dentistry or solicitors fees.He also offered to be a guarantor for my car loan and didn't follow through so I didn't get the Car. I didn't ASK for it but Im baffled as to why he would even say these things when he wasn't going to follow through with them. Was he trying to make me feel better about my financial situation somehow?

He is very loving in ways that I cannot explain so I don't have a problem with him as a person. Its just that if I were the person who earned much more than the person I love and want forever, I know I would be paying more without question. He is often planning our lives together, as am I.
If I the tables were reversed (which they could be one day), I wouldnt think twice about paying proportionately to our earnings, let alone helping him out in times of need.

He tells me he loves me everyday and is very affectionate but Im heartbroken that he knows this month I'm in overdraft and he hasn't once offered to reimburse me for shopping that I willingly bought him, let alone offered to take me out anywhere.

Having said all this, he may be in a shitty financial position and hasn't told me about it, although he has alluded to it in the past. We haven't discussed the finer details of our finances because we're living separate lives for now.

Please don't analyse my words, I'm in bits about this and hate discussing money which is why it has got this far. Im a kind generous person so please no references to me being a pushover/mug/doormat thanks!

I'm just hoping l'll get some impartial advice here. Am I expecting too much or is this how an equal relationship works these days?

Thanks for reading.

*He is the my bf, best friend and lover, he's wonderful.

I will never understand women saying this about their boyfriends, but then they can't speak to them about things that are important. Makes zero sense. He isn't wonderful, then.*

This ^

Absolutely ridiculous to say how wonderful he is then chat on a public forum about the issues you're having because you can't chat to him

He's not wonderful

The relationship isn't wonderful

You have huge communication and financial problems

What a mess

He goes out and buys himself breakfast with Coffee and doesn't ask if I would like anything. When I go to his place, I always ask him what he'd like or just take over food and Wine.

He often comes to my place and I buy, cook and make him a meal with drinks. He rarely does this in return and hasn't cooked for me for 6 months.

This isn't about money.

I wan't you to look online or on Youtube and type in 'agreeableness' and ''disagreeableness' on separate searches and see what comes up. They are facets of a psychological theory of personality.

You sound you are more agreeable than him - meaning you are more naturally nurturing, giving and empathetic. Women I think are coached from birth to be this way when men are not. We are taught ti be nice, play fair and look after other people.

He is less agreeable. He might have appeared to be so at the beginning, but disagreeable people do this for transactional purposes. It's strategic. They do it because they want xyz, and once they get xyz (in this case, that's you), they stop. There is simply nothing in it for them any more. They've got what they wanted so what's the point?

It doesn't make them evil people but they will never give to you the way you expect or want them too. They are takers rather than givers. They assume that everybody looks after their own interests, and will assume you are taking care of yours.

How many times have you heard 'My husband used to be so lovely in the first year or two of out relationship. He's still a lovely man, but he just doesn't do little things for me anymore. He's hardworking and we still have fun, but he used to bring me tea in the mornings, used to give a lift to work etc and he doesn't do any of that now.

You see? That's because his generosity was transactional. He got a pay off for being that way (ensuring she would become his wife eventually). Once he got that, he stopped because it simply wasn't required any more. Sometimes they were never that way - people on the more disagreeable end of the spectrum naturally think mostly about their own needs anyway.

I can see why she doesn’t wish to talk to him about this, because it can appear grabby.

Right now they go fifty fifty, which is normal when dating, and not living together.

When they go out with her kids, she pays, obvs because they are her kids. Past that they split everything fifty fifty.

Her complaints are:

He doesn’t buy her gifts,
He doesn’t buy her breakfast from costa, although clearly that whole thing has to be clarified, on when he is buying breakfast and why,
He doesn’t cook for her.
He doesn’t pay when she brings her kids.

I’m assuming thr nights she cooks for him is due to the kids being there, however on nights at his they can go out.

Past that it does seem she thinks as he earns a lot more he should be paying more towards their dates, buying her gifts and helping her financially.

He should never ever have agreed to go guarantor for her car. And it was right he reversed that decision. Requiring a guarantor means you’ve either a bad credit history or can’t afford it. And as she appears to spend money she doesn’t have, and buys random gifts, goes into her over draft, going guarantor for a girlfriend would be foolhardy

How do you even have that conversation.

Hi, You earn more than me, so could you start buying me gifts, paying for more of our dates and pay when I bring the kids? Oh and I’d just love it if you paid for things like my solicitors fees or dentistry, possibly my car, and buy me breakfast? There’s a dear.

Hmm I've been in this situation and it doesn't end well unfortunately. My exDP really struggled to understand that my salary was less than half of his and wanted to go on expensive dates at the start where we both paid 50/50.
When we moved in together, my salary dropped again but he insisted I buy fancy Waitrose food which meant I was paying for much more than him in the house.
Now that we've broken up, I have a lovely £13,000 of Waitrose and dating debt.
It's not worth it. Unfortunately if you're financially incompatible and he can't understand that, then the relationship will suffer.

Earth sight, you’re right, I find men who don’t give me money disagreeable too.

Unfortunately if you're financially incompatible and he can't understand that, then the relationship will suffer”

I’m sorry the issue here is being unable to stand up for yourself and control your spending, it doesn’t matter who insists on what, ultimately it’s your decision to go on expensive dates or buy Waitrose food.

Op I think he's skint.
My mother's ex was exactly like this . Turned out he was in debt up to his eyeballs and didn't even earn half as much as he said . He went bankrupt not long after

@Bluntness100 I think you missed the part where he pays for the holiday for everyone including him. And the part where she takes wine and food to his and he brings nothing to hers. And where he went out and bought breakfast for himself only when staying with her.

So there's only one grabby person here and it's not her.

Sorry a typo. Where SHE pays for the holidays for everyone including him.

I think it’s worth taking the experience shared by @Onetwothree456 seriously. £13k is a LOT of money. (Thank you for sharing).
Don’t let the same happen to you.

OP I think you sound very generous, possibly overly generous, but living beyond your means.

Your partner sounds “careful” with money (putting it charitably).

However, you are in a very unbalanced state and it is unfair. You may wish to try and salvage the situation by having a detailed and open discussion but long term, to be honest, I don’t think this looks good for you at all.

I was in a similar situation but a bit different as I had been insisting on paying half and felt bad to take that back when I was becoming too poor (also a single parent and earning about a quarter of what he does).

I brought it up one day, told him that I had to go to cheaper places and wouldn't be able to afford to do some of the things we had been doing. He immediately said that he wanted us to enjoy our time together and wants to pay when we go out. I do still pay sometimes and will always get some drinks in, etc. It's a lot better now and I'm not struggling financially at the mo.

Can't believe he goes off and buys himself coffee and breakfast and doesn't offer it to you! I find that really strange and selfish.

@Devlesko

He wants to keep his money, and a little woman looking after him. Yep, cocklodger. You need a man who is happy to pool money and be financially equal, irrespective of who earns what. Mine would give me his last penny.

So would mine. Unconditionally.

@morefun

Can't believe he goes off and buys himself coffee and breakfast and doesn't offer it to you! I find that really strange and selfish.

I find it really strange too and selfish if he comes back and eats it. The OP hasn't said though whether he's just leaving for the day and going somewhere, in which case it's acceptable.

There are quite a few things which haven't been made clear by the OP.

OP,
Not buying you a coffee is so deliberately mean. And unbelievably rude.

You pay for holidays and days out for all 4.
Unbelievably mean.

He comes to your house and eats and brings nothing.
Unbelievably mean. And rude.

Don't doubt yourself.

This isn't about a difference in income.

This is about him being mean and rude.

I have had very well off boyfriend's that earned 5 times what I earned....and I was very well paid.
I never expected them to pay for everything.

But christ I would have been well possed off if they came to my flat for a meal, that I was cooking with their hands hanging.

I wouldn't dream of doing that when going to my girlfriend's homes or theirs.

It basic bloody manners.

Total deal breaker for me.

Nothing as unattractive as a mean man.

I love the way people excuse it as "just not thinking"....🙄

My arse. Mean people are very deliberate.
Meanness informs their every move.

@Bluntness100 I'm sympathetic to men who are wary of giving a lot, especially before marriage. I understand why he would want to go 50/50, but there are some elements that picked up on that don't have much to do with money, although they appear to be. Notice he gave quite a lot in the beginning at the relationship, but then he stopped.

To be fair, he might have good reason for this and I advised not knowing the other side of the story. Maybe he felt taken advantage of? Maybe he stopped because he felt like he was being taken for a ride? I said what I said because I often hear of men being lovely and then stopping when they feel like they've got they wanted. It was never about them being generous, it was just strategic and there's an expiry date on that.

@morefun

Can't believe he goes off and buys himself coffee and breakfast and doesn't offer it to you! I find that really strange and selfish.

Me too.

Op I think he's skint. My mother's ex was exactly like this . Turned out he was in debt up to his eyeballs and didn't even earn half as much as he said . He went bankrupt not long after

I think @okiedokie22 has it right.

I also agree he could be stuck for money, but IMO that makes his meanness even more deliberate as he is taking advantage of a single mum.

Either way...he's no prize.

Thanks for the kind words and contributions from most of you MN's.

The negative presumptuous, petty name callers can go f*ck themselves.

To clear things up (drip feed yes, but I cant tell the story in a few short paragraphs);

• Ive seen his Financial Consent order (divorce) and letter of promotion at work so I know he earns way above 6 figures (100k is 6 figures and he earns much much more than that)

• The breakfasts were me staying at his place and him going out to do a chore and returning with food for himself. I fast most days so perhaps that's why he didn't offer, although I drink black coffee on all fast days.

• The outgoings with my DC's and him are always by my invitation. He does offer to pay a contribution but again this offer feels half heated and amounts to nothing.

• My upbringing is from a different culture and I was taught that discussing money so openly is vulgar. Yes, I know Im a adult but such directness doesn't come easily to me.

• He does many many things for me willingly that don't involve money. Massages, drove my children to school when I had food poisoning, fixed my radiators, put locks on my loos, talks to me for hours if Im anxious and cannot sleep etc.

• He offered to be a guarantor, money for solicitor, dentistry but didn't follow through (which is what I wrote originally).

• He's not awash with money right now because of his divorce payoff which will go on for another year but I have no idea of his net income.

• Im due a 400k payoff from my divorce.

• He's never asked me for anything. But there again, I offer to pay for most things.

Thanks folks.

He's never asked me for anything. But there again, I offer to pay for most things.

Stop offering to pay then!

And there it is. Stop paying.

Im due a 400k payoff from my divorce.

Does he know this?
I suspect that when that money materialises he will have some sudden cashflow emergency that requires you to give a lot of this to him.

I fast most days

Well that makes the coffee/breakfast thing a little less weird then.

He does offer to pay a contribution but again this offer feels half heated and amounts to nothing.

So when he offers the contribution do you accept it or do you say "no, that's OK"?

Op if you are offering all the time he might think he is going to offend you by paying for you.

You need to actually talk properly with him or set clearer expectations. He isn’t a guest, he is your boyfriend - you can ask him to bring dinner over rather than cooking for him! Or ask him to pick up the groceries! (If he then presents you with a bill you have a problem and he is just tight!)