bf earns more than me & tells me daily he wants me forever

[Deeplane]

Name changed for this.

We've been together for almost 2 years. He is the my bf, best friend and lover, he's wonderful. He tells me he loves me each day and wants to be with me forever. I feel the same. However there is something that has been on my mind. . .

Since we've been together, Ive paid for nearly half of everything. I don't bring in much money (bf has always know this) and due to being a single mum, retraining and having to give up my promising career, I don't bring in much money. Im not 100% sure how much bf earns (I don't pry) but I do know its way above 6 figures. So in effect, he's making 5 times more net than me per month. I do know that he hasn't any capital due to a recent divorce, paying off the ex and has kids at uni to pay for.

We are both generous in nature and so far we've taken it in turns to pay for everything.In the last few months I've been skint and told bf this on text (because I hate talking about money). He's thanked me for telling him and that was where it ended.

These are some of the scenarios that have bothered me lately;

He goes out and buys himself breakfast with Coffee and doesn't ask if I would like anything. When I go to his place, I always ask him what he'd like or just take over food and Wine.

He often comes to my place and I buy, cook and make him a meal with drinks. He rarely does this in return and hasn't cooked for me for 6 months.

Whenever we go out with my 2 children, I always pay for the 4 of us which ends up being pricey. He does offer to contribute on occasion, but this offer seems half hearted so I always politely refuse.

He no longer buys me little gifts like he did in the first year of us being together. Things such as flowers on impulse, duvet covers, inexpensive jewellery, sexy underwear or anything because I said I liked it or he noticed that I needed it. I've bought him items that have broken in his house that need replacing and romantic gifts lately but Im starting to lessen these as I don't receive and don't feel like giving so much these days.

I seem to be paying for more. We used to often go to the pub and buy rounds of drinks/food in turn. Since I told him I'm in overdraft this month, he insisted we go to the pub one evening and bought us 2 rounds. I hate to admit it, but I felt gutted. It isn't what would have happened if the situation was reversed.

Lately he's also made grand gestures to pay for things that I need that I cant afford such as dentistry or solicitors fees.He also offered to be a guarantor for my car loan and didn't follow through so I didn't get the Car. I didn't ASK for it but Im baffled as to why he would even say these things when he wasn't going to follow through with them. Was he trying to make me feel better about my financial situation somehow?

He is very loving in ways that I cannot explain so I don't have a problem with him as a person. Its just that if I were the person who earned much more than the person I love and want forever, I know I would be paying more without question. He is often planning our lives together, as am I.
If I the tables were reversed (which they could be one day), I wouldnt think twice about paying proportionately to our earnings, let alone helping him out in times of need.

He tells me he loves me everyday and is very affectionate but Im heartbroken that he knows this month I'm in overdraft and he hasn't once offered to reimburse me for shopping that I willingly bought him, let alone offered to take me out anywhere.

Having said all this, he may be in a shitty financial position and hasn't told me about it, although he has alluded to it in the past. We haven't discussed the finer details of our finances because we're living separate lives for now.

Please don't analyse my words, I'm in bits about this and hate discussing money which is why it has got this far. Im a kind generous person so please no references to me being a pushover/mug/doormat thanks!

I'm just hoping l'll get some impartial advice here. Am I expecting too much or is this how an equal relationship works these days?

Thanks for reading.

I thought it was a typo at first and that he had let you buy the drinks OP. Now I don't get what you mean at all.

OP, I was not going to read this and not say anything. Reading your post upset me a bit. I once dated a man who expected me to pay 50% of everything. He was staying in my homes and then it hit me that he had never offered/given me money for shopping for over a year.

If I told him that I was broke, he would borrowed me money instead of giving it to me. When I asked him to pay for anything, he would expect me to pay back.

He does not sound lovely at all. Users comes in all styles and shapes. I ended it with Mr Mean - he went and bought me an engagement ring, I refused. He offered 10K to get back with him, I refused.

Be strong, use the little money that you have on you and your DC. I would get rid of him and once you get rid of him, do not go back!

But I still don't understand he did take you to the pub and buy you two rounds??

I take it you don't live together? Perhaps time to have a frank chat about money.
Finishing with him sounds a bit dramatic and I hate to add but the whole getting upset he doesnt buy you gifts just makes you sound a little spoilt and entitled.

I don't know but a chat over drinks in a pub is one of our stress releasors. It's just our thing that we do often. Perhaps the 1 month I truly couldn't afford it, I hoped that he would just keep it up and pay knowing I would return the favour when possible

Stop doing stuff you can't afford right now. Also, lots of "I was hoping/I was assuming" - and not any actual communicating. Be an adult about this and everything you've did in that initial post, tell him.

roastbeetrootsalad

You've hit the mail on the head, thanks. Ive obviously attempted to have the conversation about money in the past with him but it wasn't as in depth as it ought to have been.

You're right 2 years into the relationship, we ought be confident enough to discuss money openly without any awkwardness.

Aerial2020 I do focus on my children - they most probably get too much if Im truthful. But thats another thread altogether.

Festivalgirl83

Haha thanks for the laugh. You've cheered me up with such a silly pointless contribution that means nothing. Goodbye.

I think you need to make sure you are giving no more than half in terms of both money (which includes paying for food that you cook) AND time/effort eg cooking, little gifts etc. Then see where that leaves you both. It just doesn't sound like he's putting in the effort (not cooking for you, not turning up with wine, you taking the food and wine to his).

Saying he wants to be with you forever, that he'll be guarantor on your car loan, planning the future etc etc is all words. I'd look at his actual effort, not just financial but generosity of time and energy.

OP. Who bought the drinks?????

It doesn't sound like a money problem it sounds like a communication problem. You're not telling him what you want and need. You're having to guess at the state of his finances and what happened about the car loan guarantor. The result is you're festering and this is starting to develop into an issue for you. Which, again, you aren't telling him about.
If you love each other and are really in this for the long term you'll have to learn to get past whatever is stopping you from talking about this. You might feel loved but tbh with so little communication this isn't a genuinely intimate relationship. You aren't letting each other in. If it makes you feel embarrassed then you still have to talk to him AND you have to tell him that it makes you feel embarrassed!
Just open up. Try not to let it turn into a fight. Get it out on the table. Break down these barriers. Of course it will be a bit painful and will change things but in the end it will only bring you closer.

OP When you are dating someone and getting to know them before you commit to bigger decisions such as moving in together etc this is one of the things that you should iron out sooner rather than later.

Of course you don't expect him to pay for your children. I get that, but by being overly generous you are giving out the wrong signals to him and this is probably why he is so thoughtless - going out for breakfast and coffee for himself only ?? What ??? That would have been a deal breaker for me. I would want to know why and probably kick him out of my house on that occasion.. obviously I am looking at my own relationship here, but my bloke would not dare to come back here without breakfast for us both ! I would wipe the floor with him - but this would not happen anyway.
Talk to him now. Honestly. You feel will better.

@cheeseycharlie

It doesn't sound like a money problem it sounds like a communication problem. You're not telling him what you want and need. You're having to guess at the state of his finances and what happened about the car loan guarantor. The result is you're festering and this is starting to develop into an issue for you. Which, again, you aren't telling him about. If you love each other and are really in this for the long term you'll have to learn to get past whatever is stopping you from talking about this. You might feel loved but tbh with so little communication this isn't a genuinely intimate relationship. You aren't letting each other in. If it makes you feel embarrassed then you still have to talk to him AND you have to tell him that it makes you feel embarrassed! Just open up. Try not to let it turn into a fight. Get it out on the table. Break down these barriers. Of course it will be a bit painful and will change things but in the end it will only bring you closer.

You just said the same thing as me but differently. Great minds and all... :)

I*t doesn't sound like a money problem it sounds like a communication problem.
*
This. If I'm understanding you correctly, you want him to pay for more stuff than he does, and you aren't willing to say "No, I can't afford it" and mean it. You're coming across as though it's a fairy tale, then declaring it's over because PP say you're different types of people when it comes to money/sharing. A frank and open conversation could fix this - don't chop your leg off for a grazed knee, OP.

he sounds selfish and thoughtless, if I were you I would LTB.

Please don't analyse my words, I'm in bits about this and hate discussing money which is why it has got this far. Im a kind generous person so please no references to me being a pushover/mug/doormat thanks!

Sorry but what else have we if we cannot analyse your words?

Looks to me like you are in denial here that you are not actually compatible. You have different values and expectations on money. You can bring the money up with him but you know what why should you - it should be give and take - roughly in sync.

I see someone who’s mask is slipping - used to buy you gifts, hasn’t cooked for over 6 months, pretends he is going to help you out......sounds like he was love bombing?

Why did his last RS end?

This is a v unequal RS in both in terms of input of effort and money.

You are giving what you would like roughly back - he is not reciprocating.

The sudden “it’s over” stuff is because you know this to be true.

Concentrate on your DCs, retraining etc - you are worth way more than this. Someone else who is kinder and more respectful wouldn’t leaving you feeling this gutted, confused, disappointed.

Maybe you don’t want to put yourself through talking this out with him because you know he will be evasive, disingenuous and avoidant - because those are the behaviours he has shown to date.

He sounds like the sort of person you would have to wring every last drop out of - exhausting.

I would also tell any person who feeds me for free that I love them. Daily.

Stop being a drama queen for goodness sake. In the space of about 4 messages you didnt want to split up but now its over for things that really are a none issue if you were a grown up and talked about it. Hes not a mind reader. How can you expect to be in a relationship that you dont talk about things.

OP, I don't understand. He is your bf, not a husband. You invite him over and spend money on food and drinks. You decide how much. If you are not happy why wouldn't you tell him?
As of your idea of paying proportional to your income.. Why would you even consider this? He has no formal commitment to you, you don't even live together.
You absolutely should discuss how much money you spent going out or buying food when staying at each other's place. You have a good reason if you are struggling financially

Why the hell are you inviting him off to cook for him? Just stop that. Stop buying shit for him.

gamerchick is spot on. You're paying out to have him in your life. A dog is probably cheaper.

Do you every try and put things on a more even keel? Tell him to reimburse you. Tell him it's his round. Do you do this, or hope he steps up? TBH he sounds really tight. An extremely unattractive trait. Who thinks it's ok to sponge off a lone parent?

I think you expect too much. More than I would give if it was expected of me. You aren’t financially tied. If there are things you can’t afford then just say no to the pub or the meal.

If you both love each other and want to be together long term you need to talk. Without communication it doesn’t matter who earns what.

I do wonder though if he might tell a different story.

OP

Did you say he has paid for dentistry for you, and also paid for solicitors fees for you?

He's not wonderful, it's common form men like this to target single women.

You're cooking for him and he doesn't reciprocate or take you out for meals.

He lets you pay for him days out for his children.

He makes grand gestures that he doesn't follow through (guarantor on car).

OP, he's a wannabe cocklodger and will be one for real if he ever moves in!

*your children not his