bf earns more than me & tells me daily he wants me forever

[Deeplane]

Name changed for this.

We've been together for almost 2 years. He is the my bf, best friend and lover, he's wonderful. He tells me he loves me each day and wants to be with me forever. I feel the same. However there is something that has been on my mind. . .

Since we've been together, Ive paid for nearly half of everything. I don't bring in much money (bf has always know this) and due to being a single mum, retraining and having to give up my promising career, I don't bring in much money. Im not 100% sure how much bf earns (I don't pry) but I do know its way above 6 figures. So in effect, he's making 5 times more net than me per month. I do know that he hasn't any capital due to a recent divorce, paying off the ex and has kids at uni to pay for.

We are both generous in nature and so far we've taken it in turns to pay for everything.In the last few months I've been skint and told bf this on text (because I hate talking about money). He's thanked me for telling him and that was where it ended.

These are some of the scenarios that have bothered me lately;

He goes out and buys himself breakfast with Coffee and doesn't ask if I would like anything. When I go to his place, I always ask him what he'd like or just take over food and Wine.

He often comes to my place and I buy, cook and make him a meal with drinks. He rarely does this in return and hasn't cooked for me for 6 months.

Whenever we go out with my 2 children, I always pay for the 4 of us which ends up being pricey. He does offer to contribute on occasion, but this offer seems half hearted so I always politely refuse.

He no longer buys me little gifts like he did in the first year of us being together. Things such as flowers on impulse, duvet covers, inexpensive jewellery, sexy underwear or anything because I said I liked it or he noticed that I needed it. I've bought him items that have broken in his house that need replacing and romantic gifts lately but Im starting to lessen these as I don't receive and don't feel like giving so much these days.

I seem to be paying for more. We used to often go to the pub and buy rounds of drinks/food in turn. Since I told him I'm in overdraft this month, he insisted we go to the pub one evening and bought us 2 rounds. I hate to admit it, but I felt gutted. It isn't what would have happened if the situation was reversed.

Lately he's also made grand gestures to pay for things that I need that I cant afford such as dentistry or solicitors fees.He also offered to be a guarantor for my car loan and didn't follow through so I didn't get the Car. I didn't ASK for it but Im baffled as to why he would even say these things when he wasn't going to follow through with them. Was he trying to make me feel better about my financial situation somehow?

He is very loving in ways that I cannot explain so I don't have a problem with him as a person. Its just that if I were the person who earned much more than the person I love and want forever, I know I would be paying more without question. He is often planning our lives together, as am I.
If I the tables were reversed (which they could be one day), I wouldnt think twice about paying proportionately to our earnings, let alone helping him out in times of need.

He tells me he loves me everyday and is very affectionate but Im heartbroken that he knows this month I'm in overdraft and he hasn't once offered to reimburse me for shopping that I willingly bought him, let alone offered to take me out anywhere.

Having said all this, he may be in a shitty financial position and hasn't told me about it, although he has alluded to it in the past. We haven't discussed the finer details of our finances because we're living separate lives for now.

Please don't analyse my words, I'm in bits about this and hate discussing money which is why it has got this far. Im a kind generous person so please no references to me being a pushover/mug/doormat thanks!

I'm just hoping l'll get some impartial advice here. Am I expecting too much or is this how an equal relationship works these days?

Thanks for reading.

Just pull back a bit. I, and a few friends of mine are like this, overly generous at times, and then we resent it.

Stop having wine in when he comes over. Stop taking food over. Stop buying gifts. Just for a month. See what happens.

If he mentions it just explain, things are a bit tight, that you have told him before, and that having gone through your bank statements you’ve realised how much you are spending on food/luxuries/etc and that you need to curb it, esp since you have dentistry/solicitors etc to pay for

Since I told him I'm in overdraft this month, he insisted we go to the pub one evening and bought us 2 rounds. ....

Lately he's also made grand gestures to pay for things that I need that I cant afford such as dentistry or solicitors fees.He also offered to be a guarantor for my car loan and didn't follow through so I didn't get the Car. I didn't ASK for it but Im baffled as to why he would even say these things when he wasn't going to follow through with them. Was he trying to make me feel better about my financial situation somehow?

OP, it sounds like HE bought the rounds so don't understand why this upset you. Also don't understand why him paying for dentistry and solicitors fees isn't supportive? And surely if he offered to be guarantor for your car, it's not his job to follow up but yours? Did you get the purchase sorted, bring him the paperwork then he refused to sign? Or did you expect him to take the initiative with everything after already making the offer?

It sounds like you want to be rescued (tell him subtly that you are in distress then have him sweep in in shining armor) but you are a grown woman. He may not want to- not because he is not generous, but because adults should have A basic autonomy.... when you are not even living together, never mind married, a man suddenly taking over all your financial needs - to me - would infringe on autonomy. He may also have fears of ending up with someone who on some level doesn't want to stand on their own two feet. Or , worse, is with him for the money. He quite understandably may want to be loved not for what he could bring you financially.

I have much more money than my DP, and while I subtly pay a bit more occasionally, I don't infringe on his autonomy. I don't jump in to rescue him. I do help in specific ways if and when asked, but I don't assume. And I accept gifts he brings me, because they are important to him.

You HAVE to learn to talk about money thoroughly and without embarrassment.

I would also suggest you think about your boundaries... you would give your clothes off your back to help him? Why? He's a grown adult.... that doesn't sound like generosity to me, it feels more like wanting to rescue people and hoping they will want to do the same for you...

I do know that he hasn't any capital due to a recent divorce, paying off the ex and has kids at uni to pay for

And you are shoring him up. Him taking and not reciprocating means that YOU are inadvertently financing his debt/responsibilities.

Oh dear OP.
He sounds pretty selfish and too tight and on that basis, I’d give him One last chance to redeem himself after a serious chat about finances. If his attitude doesn’t improve, I’d be off. No point wasting your good years on someone who will happily watch you struggle financially.

At this stage in a relationship, you’d expect the other much wealthier person to be putting effort into wooing you, taking you out, buying expensive gifts etc. After all, if you live together with your children, things will become more mundane and they’ll be fewer opportunities for frivolity.

Kind Words are CHEAP.
He knows exactly what to say to charm you and I’ve seen friends fall for this kind of crap and try to defend their tight OH’s. It won’t end well unless you’re prepared to have regular honest conversations about money.

i had a husband once who earned four times my salary. he expected me to go halves on everything. by the time i had a nervous breakdown and divorced him i had £23k of debt on credit cards from trying to keep up doing 50/50.

he happily declared this on the paperwork for the IVA he generously (fraudulently) signed me up for once it was all out in the open - that my debts were due to ‘household expenses’. i was doing a 2 month stint in a mental hospital at this point.

he was a mean, spiteful man. the grand gesture of ‘oh, I’LL pay for tonight’ about once every 3 months. occasional takeaway. otherwise, halves.

these days it’s called financial abuse. for me it was a four-year nightmare. don’t get any further into this if you can’t discuss money.

@Deeplane
''He goes out and buys himself breakfast with Coffee and doesn't ask if I would like anything. ''

This is a sign of a deeply selfish individual.

My goodness..That's dreadful.

So you are together, he pops out, comes back with food and coffee for himself?
Unbelievable.

I wonder if he earns as much as he says..?

He is unlikely to change...That fundamental selfishness. Sheesh.

He also offered to be a guarantor for my car loan and didn't follow through so I didn't get the Car. I didn't ASK for it but Im baffled as to why he would even say these things when he wasn't going to follow through with them.

Did you bring that up with him?

@Havaiana i read it she was put out he didnt pay for everyone.
Its the word pricey its a weird word to use.

At the end of the day,shes responsible for herself and she has to realise she shouldnt do stuff for a like for like comparision.

Shes realised hes tight,and he.So op can put in some bounderies and see what happens then.

You said in your OP that you are both generous. Nothing you have said points to him having that characteristic, and quite honestly the breakfast thing is stark evidence that he's a tight bastard. One of the major causes of divorce is financial issues, so think very carefully about investing any further in this man.

@Plussizejumpsuit

Are you sure he is actually a high earner?

My thought exactly..... Men can lie.

Im a kind generous person so please no references to me being a pushover/mug/doormat thanks!

You can be a kind, generous person and still have boundaries to what you do. If you give so much of yourself, people don't always appreciate its worth, they can take you for granted and think that you're desperate for their love.

@Redtartanshoes has a good tactic there. Stop providing anything nice and he will have to pick up the slack. You could even say 'could you bring a bottle of wine?' when he's coming round etc.

The saying he'll cover your car thing and then not is weird. It makes me think you're right and maybe something else is happening with his finances.

He definitely doesn't seem keen to ensure you both have as good a time as you could.

You need to talk about money.
You need to tell him that paying for his meal, paying for all the food, electricity etc.. when he is at your house (and he is always at yours?) wo paying his way is just not manageable for you.
You need to stop paying for him, little or big gifts and tell him you just can’t afford it.

His reaction to that will tell you if he is really that generous or if he is very tight or has no idea on how much money you actually have.
But you need to talk and you also need to learn to hold into your boundaries (so if you can’t pay for pay for something wo it being an issue, then dont).
I would also get into the habit of saying ‘oh great. Let’s go to the pub. We really need it. But you’ll have to lay for me this time’. That’s it. It a really normal thing to do when you are a couple (and esp one partner can afford to do more than the other, all that WO looking the less loaded partner is taking advantage iyswim)

Bottom line is, you're gonna have relationship problems if you can't communicate about major parts of being in a relationship. So the answer is the same as if you said "I'm not happy about our sex life but I don't like talking about sex" or "I'm not happy about how much time we spend together but I don't like talking about how much time we spend together".

If you're not happy about something and you don't ever discuss it, what's gonna change? Talking about it with strangers online certainly won't change anything. One of the keys to a long and healthy relationship is open and honest communication.

He no longer buys me little gifts like he did in the first year of us being together. Things such as flowers on impulse, duvet covers,

Sorry to miss the point of the thread but I've never heard of a man buying a duvet cover as a romantic gift

@RobertSmithsWig

You said in your OP that you are both generous. Nothing you have said points to him having that characteristic, and quite honestly the breakfast thing is stark evidence that he's a tight bastard. One of the major causes of divorce is financial issues, so think very carefully about investing any further in this man.

@RobertSmithsWig The breakfast thing was the big alarm bell for me, too. Heck, even for a mere acquaintance If I was going to get a coffee and breakfast for myself, I'd ask i'd they wanted anything.. For a supposed partner to be so selfish, that is a very poor show, and disrespectful.

So he comes back, stuffing his face and drinking cappuccino while OP is watching him eat? Stuff that!

How many rounds of drinks did you want? I can't imagine being 'gutted' that someone 'only' got two rounds! Also, when he's out with your children - are you going places where he'd actually want to be if unhampered by the presence of someone else's kids?

You need to stop over paying & over catering because he doesnt see you doing it & it clearly isnt making him like or appreciate you more. As for the holidays - Im gobsmacked. Just no.

Ive had lots of boyfriends. And Ive yet to meet one that would have allowed me to pay in this way - & I make good money. On the few ocassions Ive done something 'nice' like booked & paid for a short holiday (with someone who has paid for many nights out) Ive regretted it because far from bringing us closer together & being appreciated for it its almost worked the opposite way. They almost seemed to like me less for it & there was certainly no 'gratitude'.

Its a little known thing that people feel closer to you when they can do you favours. You doing them favours almost makes them feel indebted or guilty. Ive seen that play out with men. The more I try to take it in turns the less they like it & its a delicate balance.

As for you gut telling you hes nice & generous. I think thats your heart telling you what you want to hear. Im not seeing nice, or generous here at all. Im seeing you acting like you are low value & have to buy his company, & you dont. You really, really dont.

Not sure how you reverse out of this. Its going to be an awful conversation to have, & I know just what you mean about talking about money. So you may have to lighten it up perhaps & next time youre meeting be a bit cheeky & ask if hes taking you out & mention you are too broke to buy food - make a joke about 'unless you want beans on toast'. Using the words 'taking me out' implies hes paying. Let him pay & give him your appreciation as a reward. Or ask what lovely food & wine hes bringing as otherwise its beans on toast.

You will end up poor & single if this keeps going. And hes not exactly covering himself in glory either. He knows that you earn a lot less. This is very un generous of him. Im not sure Id want someone like this - but give him a chance to prove himself. Step back & stop throwing money at him. Let him step up & pay. For a change.

Haven’t RTFT but how do you know he earns what you state in your OP ?

Have you seen proof ? Recent proof ?
or is this just what he’s telling you ?

So I guess its over. Devastated

This really is completely OTT and over-dramatic.

You and him need to sit down together and have a proper, businesslike, grown-up adult discussion about money. You both need to be absolutely clear about your financial positions and any concerns you may have about the other’s attitudes to money. The objective of this discussion should be to work out and agree on a sensible way forward which works for both of you.

Good luck.

While his attitude isn't great why are you buying him household items etc ? You have to help yourself here. Stay within budget and learn to discuss things with him if you want this to last. Why were you gutted he bought you two drinks ?

@katy1213

How many rounds of drinks did you want? I can't imagine being 'gutted' that someone 'only' got two rounds! Also, when he's out with your children - are you going places where he'd actually want to be if unhampered by the presence of someone else's kids?

I can! Id be bloody furious if we only got as far as two drinks before he stopped! This is beyond tight. I do get what you mean about the kids. But he knew she had kids & they werent at the pub.

Plus the breakfast/coffee thing. Awful manners to not even ask. Id mention it next time & look incredulous at the inevitable stupid answer. Then make an excuse as to why I wanted to not see him that day after all, send him home - & let him reflect on it a little.

"We are both generous in nature"
No. Just you.

"He no longer buys me little gifts like he did in the first year of us being together."
The honeymoon period is over. He's relaxed enough to be who he truly is. A tight-fisted sponge. When I reached this bit of your OP @Deeplane a song started playing in my ear. Janet Jackson - what have you done for me lately. Seems to suit.

he hasn't once offered to reimburse me for shopping that I willingly bought him

This is a good place to start. If he asked you to buy the shopping for him, tell him how much it cost and expect to be reimbursed. If he didn't ask you to buy it for him... stop offering!

When you go to his house, what happens about food if he doesn't cook for you? Do you always take something over, or do you go out to eat? You need to stop taking things over and start mirroring his approach when he visits you.

Reset your relationship a bit more equally and see if he's still interested.

He wants to keep his money, and a little woman looking after him.
Yep, cocklodger.
You need a man who is happy to pool money and be financially equal, irrespective of who earns what.
Mine would give me his last penny.

I agree with others, just communicate clearly with him. If you can get naked and shag him you can talk about money with him!

You haven't known him for long and if the relationship is sapping your finances then your children are suffering. That's unfair on them.

This situation can't continue. You'll be increasingly bitter about it and resentment will creep in.

Bear in mind that a man tight with money is often mean or selfish in other ways. If he has very little disposable income and is lying or bragging about fictitious money that's equally as bad quite frankly.

Take a big gulp of wine breath and put your cards on the table with him Op. Good luck