bf earns more than me & tells me daily he wants me forever

[Deeplane]

Name changed for this.

We've been together for almost 2 years. He is the my bf, best friend and lover, he's wonderful. He tells me he loves me each day and wants to be with me forever. I feel the same. However there is something that has been on my mind. . .

Since we've been together, Ive paid for nearly half of everything. I don't bring in much money (bf has always know this) and due to being a single mum, retraining and having to give up my promising career, I don't bring in much money. Im not 100% sure how much bf earns (I don't pry) but I do know its way above 6 figures. So in effect, he's making 5 times more net than me per month. I do know that he hasn't any capital due to a recent divorce, paying off the ex and has kids at uni to pay for.

We are both generous in nature and so far we've taken it in turns to pay for everything.In the last few months I've been skint and told bf this on text (because I hate talking about money). He's thanked me for telling him and that was where it ended.

These are some of the scenarios that have bothered me lately;

He goes out and buys himself breakfast with Coffee and doesn't ask if I would like anything. When I go to his place, I always ask him what he'd like or just take over food and Wine.

He often comes to my place and I buy, cook and make him a meal with drinks. He rarely does this in return and hasn't cooked for me for 6 months.

Whenever we go out with my 2 children, I always pay for the 4 of us which ends up being pricey. He does offer to contribute on occasion, but this offer seems half hearted so I always politely refuse.

He no longer buys me little gifts like he did in the first year of us being together. Things such as flowers on impulse, duvet covers, inexpensive jewellery, sexy underwear or anything because I said I liked it or he noticed that I needed it. I've bought him items that have broken in his house that need replacing and romantic gifts lately but Im starting to lessen these as I don't receive and don't feel like giving so much these days.

I seem to be paying for more. We used to often go to the pub and buy rounds of drinks/food in turn. Since I told him I'm in overdraft this month, he insisted we go to the pub one evening and bought us 2 rounds. I hate to admit it, but I felt gutted. It isn't what would have happened if the situation was reversed.

Lately he's also made grand gestures to pay for things that I need that I cant afford such as dentistry or solicitors fees.He also offered to be a guarantor for my car loan and didn't follow through so I didn't get the Car. I didn't ASK for it but Im baffled as to why he would even say these things when he wasn't going to follow through with them. Was he trying to make me feel better about my financial situation somehow?

He is very loving in ways that I cannot explain so I don't have a problem with him as a person. Its just that if I were the person who earned much more than the person I love and want forever, I know I would be paying more without question. He is often planning our lives together, as am I.
If I the tables were reversed (which they could be one day), I wouldnt think twice about paying proportionately to our earnings, let alone helping him out in times of need.

He tells me he loves me everyday and is very affectionate but Im heartbroken that he knows this month I'm in overdraft and he hasn't once offered to reimburse me for shopping that I willingly bought him, let alone offered to take me out anywhere.

Having said all this, he may be in a shitty financial position and hasn't told me about it, although he has alluded to it in the past. We haven't discussed the finer details of our finances because we're living separate lives for now.

Please don't analyse my words, I'm in bits about this and hate discussing money which is why it has got this far. Im a kind generous person so please no references to me being a pushover/mug/doormat thanks!

I'm just hoping l'll get some impartial advice here. Am I expecting too much or is this how an equal relationship works these days?

Thanks for reading.

When you go to his to eat, do not take food, take a bottle of wine. When he comes to yours to eat, tell him you will provide dinner, please could he bring a bottle. Be clearer about what you expect him to contribute. Stop paying for everything.

I have to say, these guys who come over to the single mum's house and get a free cooked meal, don't have to do the washing up (so pretty much, a free restaurant) and get their cock sucked on top of that are a 10p a dozen. The woman cannot afford to pay her half to go out so instead ends up paying out to provide restaurant service to the pisstaker plus sex. Of course he's going to keep coming round!

Aw I love a bit of Janet!

OP, either he's a skinflint (and he's definitely taking advantage of your good nature with the dinners and stuff) or you're just not good enough at communicating.

He can't possibly be your best friend and all of those other things if you can't even just stop doing these things.

@Deeplane
Deep breaths honey. I can hear you getting really upset and catastrophising, but I'm not entirely sure why? I agree with other posters who've said this is not a money issue, it's a communication issue. You seem to really need to be honest with him, about money, and about needing to feel loved and nurtured through acts of generosity. But you also seem really, really scared of this and would rather end the relationship than face your fears. I may be misreading, but this is how it comes across to me. So, if you want a deeper and more honest and fulfilling relationship you must face your fears (whatever they are and wherever they come from) and find a way to speak to him honestly about all the things that are worrying you, without nagging, without fear of rejection. If you can do that, you can both go forward together. You can't just run away - it's an important step in your relationship. Go gently on yourself. But you can do this. x

Did he actually pay for your dental work and legal fees, or was it just an offer? It's not too clear from your post. Why did he withdraw his offer to be guarantor for the car loan?

He seems to be very mean about the smaller things. Buying himself breakfast and coffee and not offering you anything is bizarre! I'm assuming you'd stayed the night and were there when he bought this breakfast? Did you not challenge him on it? I would have said something like - "Hey, where's my breakfast?" or "What do you expect me to eat?". I think that alone would be a deal breaker for me. Does he bring anything at all when you cook for him? A bottle of wine or a box of chocolates or anything? Because that's basic good manners.

If you plan to continue in this relationship, you need to toughen up a bit. Why are you paying for his groceries if you have an overdraft? Why are you paying for four on days out? I get that your DC aren't his responsibility but he should be paying for himself, at a minimum. Don't offer to cook for him. Tell him you're coming over to his place and he can do dinner etc. Or if you're cooking, tell him that you'll do the starter/main course and he can bring the wine and dessert. It all sounds like hard work though and you shouldn't have to spell these things out - it should be obvious. He's not some clueless teenager - he's a divorced man with DC at university so I'm assuming he's in his late 30s or 40s.

Ffs just have a conversation about money with him, try not to wring your hanky and faint though.

he hasn't once offered to reimburse me for shopping that I willingly bought him

Stop being so willing then.

You are the only thing that you have control of, OP. Your boundaries, your life and your actions.

If money is an issue for you in this relationship then set your expectations and boundaries, engage with him on the issue, and then decide is his response and actions meet your expectations. If it does, great, if not you either accept that this is how things are or you leave the relationship.

To me it sounds like there might be some financial incompatibility that needs working through. It's quite possible that he wants a relationship without financial entanglement, or isn't ready to financially commit to supporting someone yet, especially given that there's a big difference in your earnings. It's really hard to know those things unless you develop good communications around finances though.

Oh I'd forgotten the coffee/breakfast thing. Yep, that's completely wrong.

Its a little known thing that people feel closer to you when they can do you favours. You doing them favours almost makes them feel indebted or guilty

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl Yes that's true, people can feel it's manipulative.

@Deeplane 'The Disease to Please' is a good book about all this.

I agree about the 2 drinks BTW. That isn't a proper night down the pub for me. He will know what you expect of a night out, because he knows you.

@Deeplane

Anordinarymum

'My son once said to me you don't get rich by giving to every Tom Dick and Harry on the way up. You wait until you are rich and then when you can really afford it - you give'.

Well this has me in floods of tears but its correct. Ive given too much away in my life. It's seems as though he's now in good place financially but wouldnt truly be willing to share his life . . .with anyone.

I do believe he loves me but we cant ever lead the same lifestyles because I'll never catch up with him.He's clearly demonstrated that he isn't the sharing type. I would literally give him the clothes of my back. But we're different people.

So I guess its over. Devastated .

Can you explain where this very dramatic reaction is coming from? Why would your relationship be over now, compared to before you started this thread?

Basically it just sounds like you struggle to talk about money, aren't good with standing up for yourself, and are quite sensitive in general. Can you not just work on that a bit? E.g., I don't know, talk to him? Ask yourself why you don't say no, don't ask for help, etc?

Just seems a little over the top to talk about being "devastated" etc. based on the comments of some strangers regarding your communication not being great. Is there something else going on here?

what happened with the car loan why didnt you say can you still be guarantor then

hes not your bf you know nothing about him if you cant even talk about money i know how much my actual best friend earns she told me-of hes earning 6 figures and youre on not even a quarter of that and he knows it then hes tight and not generous

sounds like he wants a little wifey to cook and do shit for him

Too many contradictions here, combined with OP's last message makes me think this is a troll posting for a laugh.

OP I dont think you hav explained very wel who has paid for what in what circumstamces

Did he go out and buy breakfast for just himslef when he was with you

Did he ask you to buy groceries

Did he pay for the dentistry/legal fees or just offer

Its not really clear

It doesn't add up to me, that he's earning what you think/he says he's earning. If he was earning over £100,000, even if he has kids at uni, buying breakfast or another few drinks wouldn't feel much to him at all.

Yep this thread makes no sense at all.

So we have an op who has supposedly been in a relationship for at least 2 years yet speaks as if she barely knows the guy.

Says he is on a 6 fig salary but has no proof at all and even eluded in an earlier post that he almost tried to confide in her about money issues as well as apparent legal issues with his ex wife which if real suggests he doesnt have the money she says he does.

He has given money and bought gifts for her in the past. That happens in new relationships, usually it calms down a year in.

The op says she always offers and buys him things and invites him for food. How does that make him a user or a cocklodger? It doesnt the same as if a woman enjoyed a man spending money on gifts for her thats ok too as long as no one is pressuring them to buy. That sexist attitude is very annoying. Man buys women gifts he is generous and she is lucky. Woman buys man gifts he is a user. Madness.

Also he bought 2 rounds in the pub. Unless your an alky who absolutely has to drink more 2 rounds is fine so no idea why your knickers are in a twist there. And the fact he offered to pay for the meal and op declined and now is bitching about it online is fucked up.

What kind of person fetches food for themselves without asking if you would like something too ?
He is mean , i could never get round that ,it will breed contempt over time.

you've been together for two years and you've said he wants to bed with you forever....what do you want?

if you also want to be with him then you need to sit him down and talk about money

have you thought that he may not actually realise the enormity of your finacal situay=tion ? he's never possibly been a single mum earning your wage?

so sit and communicate and find out what he earns and how he sees you both moving forward - as your not going to keep picking up the bill and paying for him

What kind of person fetches food for themselves without asking if you would like something too ?

Me .

I bought myself a kfc 2 days ago and dp still gets a hump if kfc is mentioned because he never got one

Is he being affectionate to you so he can have sex with you?

I don't think you are mentioning the finances obviously enough, sounds like you don't want to talk about it too much but are feeling resentful, but if you don't have that conversation you could end a perfectly good relationship.... If he isn't skint, money probably isn't on his mind like it would be for you, so he isn't taking your hints. Just be honest, say you've had to look into your finances and draw up a new budget, you feel bad that you can't treat him to things how you normally would and that you might have to cut back on paying for things for his share like food etc. Might make him realise that he could offer to help out a bit more. Perhaps he's a bit tender from paying for his ex? Might be why he isn't as forthcoming with paying for things if he has had a messy divorce and kids to pay towards in uni etc. Or he could just be totally oblivious to what you're worrying about, just speak to him about it, what's the worst that can happen if you are already thinking the worse about you and him not working out?

He wants to keep his money, and a little woman looking after him.
Yep, cocklodger

Exactly this .....they don't have to be crusty, fusty, and potless to be cocklodgers.

Half an hour after you first posted, you decide it’s over and you are devastated.

I don't understand why him buying the rounds upset you?

Also I think he's skint.

Nah! DH and I have been together more than 30 years.

When we met he was on his uppers. I had a house and earning a 6 figure salary. He was sharing a very very grotty flat with reptiles in the airing cupboard and a pot bellied pig in the box room.

Even after a year he refused to move in due to pride and I bank rolled a lot due to love and faith. Shirts, shoes, food, silk ties.

He moved in two month's before we married and refused to give up his room until we were married. From the minute he moved in he insisted on giving me half towards every ex except the mortgage. It was after all my house and My equity.

Once we were married we went halves on all ex's except mortgage. We had a pre-nup safeguarding my capital. When we bought together we went halves. When we had our first dc (who was ill and I gave up work after 6 months) he ended up paying for everything. Things were v tight those first cpl of years. But we maintained separate accounts and have never really discussed money or argued about it. But we have utterly supported each other when the chips have been down!

Its simple solution just dont go out with him when he asks just say things are tight at the moment you cant afford to. He sounds very mean fuck that id be gone 😂😂