Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

Yes, very hard work!

I had three irons with potential across three apps yesterday, one date arranged for next Friday. They have all gone quiet or closed the conversation with short non leading answers.

I'd be very happy with a handsome man in a hut. I may have dwelled in similar myself in my past.

Had a date last night was ok. Tall, slim, doesn't drink a lot, lives nearby, has a child, lots in common but.... meh to use that mn phrase.

I don't know if it's me or him or what. He was keen to meet again but I don't know if I can be bothered to make the time, because that's what it would be. I don't know what I'm expecting, immediate hearts and stars or what.
It's so long since I fancied someone I no longer seem capable .

Although the two men I reeeeeeaaaally fancied through OLD Mr U and my old FB I didn't fancy on first meeting. Maybe I'll give him another go and see.

I've matched with a few on Bumble now, I do think I prefer it to Tinder, if nothing else because you can see some info about them upfront.

I have my first date today! I'm meeting Mr Salmon, seems nice, he lives quite a distance away though. Another date tomorrow with someone who is driving to my location so that we can see if we click. I'll call him Mr Science as he has been quite open out there needing to be a chemistry.

I have only a couple of dealbreakers and one is those with dependent kids (been there, done that, didn't enjoy it) so if I have forgotten to ask that early in the chat, I'm asking, and (nicely) unmatching if that applies. That's pretty assertive for me ... I am more of the 'omg, someone likes me' but trying to change. FDS helping there!

Think the idea of living in a hut far away sounds great right now! Could be peaceful in the event of another lockdown!

So I finally went on Tinder but deleted it after 24hrs. There is one iron that’s stuck though. Couldn’t meet last week as he was really busy and I ended up with the kids all week. May be meeting on Wednesday although no firm plans yet. He’s messaged quite a bit and has been the first to message most days and I’ve felt really positive until today. I kind of feel I’m not really ready to full on date (I’ve told him this) but if something happened I wouldn’t stop it. I think my biggest fear though is sex. I have had so little in the last 8 years I feel I’m completely clueless and I haven’t yet built up enough self esteem to be knocked back! I really want to just get back out there but I think because I’m not building it up in my head I’m scared to even go near a man!

How did those of you that had been in ltr and especially any in sexless ones cope with getting back out there?

I wish I liked the idea of a handsome man in a hut but I just know it's not me - I don't like festivals because of the portaloos. I just need a bed and a shower and a toilet and a fridge and a sofa.... But I had a fabulous chat this morning with a man I will call Mr Dogs because he has two. We talked and laughed like we'd known each other for ever, no awkwardness, and we are going to meet up next week midway between us... so only an hour's drive... the distance could end up being a problem... but I'm quite excited and can't wait to talk to him again.

@Awholenewlife123 I’m one of those that was in a marriage with no intimacy whatsoever for a few years before we split. To say I was terrified about sex with someone new was an understatement! I was worried about getting naked, about being any good at it and even if I would have any desire at all as I didn’t with my ex!
I have only had sex with one iron and it was actually amazing. I forgot all my insecurities and just went with it. I had told him beforehand that I was nervous and it had been a long time and he was so lovely about it and helped me to be relaxed and in the moment. He has since gone by the wayside but I feel more confident about doing with someone else now.
So my advice is do it!! I actually have a sexual appetite for the first time in years!

@WeWantTheFinestWines PMSL at your hut guy. I’ve had 3 matches that live on boats!

It sort of appeals to me actually- the simple lifestyle and non materialistic attitude. But it is Britain!!!! It’s FREEZING! I’d like a man with a hut in Thailand on a beach

Another old iron popped up last night/this morning. I posted a picture of me in a bikini last night and he liked it then this morning sent me a message. Mr Army who ghosted me in May. Either he has dramatically changed since I last saw him or I'm no longer attracted to that look. I sent a recent picture of him to @cravingthelook and she said he has the classic fuck boy look. I suppose I don't blame him getting in contact because I look amazing in that photo and have lost a stone since I saw him

Awholenewlife123 same as zo my last relationship was essentially sexless. I was pretty nervous but more excited, and I think that was because I knew it/he was 'right' and I wanted it with him. That kind of took away the worries. I think it's natural to be nervous but also listen to your gut, it's way wiser than your, ahem, other parts.

I’ve been drawn to the alternative lifestyle a lot (still am!). Not quite boat/hut dwelling as in the uk I think they’re often too high maintenance

I often tend to attract men who have reached a similar age to me, made it to the career/finance level they want and now want someone to take on the mental load/have children/manage the big house and the builders and the private school admissions/create their perfect middle class life whilst they enjoy the job social status etc.

I think a fairly low maintenance life is my goal though.

Maybe not a hut/boat but enough space and time to be creative or do big travel or take sabbaticals and be able to work remotely without worrying about financial pressure - sort of half hippy but not all in.

@Awholenewlife123 - like you and @ZoZoBo I had a marriage that was sexless for the last years. I had no body confidence and actually zero sexual desire. I genuinely thought that part of my life was over and when my disgusting toxic ex left I didn’t date for ages cos saw no point.

When I started OLD it took ages for me to fancy someone but when I did the chemistry was massive. I was both terrified and excited when I first had sex with him (in a hotel room on our 4th date - and remember asking for advice on here!) but it was absolutely amazing. It comes right back to you. I literally floated out of that hotel room. Disadvantages were 1) it was Mr Beard and I fell disgustingly in love with him and got my heart broken and 2) I am now so horny I am dating like a maniac because I really want to find a sexual soulmate - and the ones who are as good in bed as he was are maniacs.

But the sex itself was nothing to be worried about. If anything I feel really sad about all the years I missed out on. You’ll be great. It also gave me AMAZING body confidence.

I just need to find a man who combines sexual chemistry with basic human decency now and and still getting either/or options 😂. But that’s just me .

@Dancerinthemoonlight well done on the weight loss - bet you look amazing 😊

@uttersocks I'm still not completely confident in the way my body looks but faking it until I am. I set up a trial pof account last night including the bikini pic to see what sort of replies I would get and they were along the sexual and casual line so won't be including the picture when I go back to dating

@UtterSocks are you me?! Word for word could have written what you wrote including your disadvantages 😂 (except mr blue eyes instead of mr beard 😂)
I said I was not going to rush into the sex side if I ever get beyond the first date with anyone else but I so want to rush into it I’m chatting to two irons on tinder, both checking in with funny intelligent chats, both seemingly my type of personality but both slow to suggest a meet so Im going to ask them- see can I meet both of them next weekend for coffees or lunch -Make the most of my child free weekend. I’m very wary of extended chatting now and then not finding them attractive in person ...or them me I suppose.
I’ll call one Mr German and the other to be named:)
Mr car mad was so keen last weekend but has fully disappeared so he’s off my list
I spoke to Mr Blue eyes briefly on Friday but the conversation was so unsatisfactory! His excuse for no contact was that he was busy, no one else involved, I did nothing wrong - that’s more insulting I think - he said he was sorry and I deserved better than him ...eh for sure I do....so that’s that - won’t go back there or contact him again
My sisters can’t get their heads around me dating or talking to so many men...it is so not the old me!

@WeWantTheFinestWines
You do know the majority of people who live in huts do have a toilet, shower, bed, kitchen dont you!!!

I hate portaloos or anything communal.
I also hate the idea of camping, my weekend away with Mr K for our 1 year was glamping, we stayed in a bell tent (with double bed and a fire inside) with outside kitchen and toilet/bathroom in a seperate hut.

If the guy is slumming it and has no comfy bed or working kitchen then i agree its an issue.

Sounds like handsome hut man would be a perfect fit for a number of MNers. He also said he was trying not to use the internet much though, so OLD might be tricky. I'm going to focus on Mr Dogs for now. Without putting all my eggs in one basket...

I have decided to take the plunge and sign up on fab. Oh shit, oh shit this is a whole new world for me! Have I taken leave of my senses?

@Wasail
Good luck. I joined and was a bit overwhelmed with offers which you will be. Do some sifting and don't be afraid to just block.
I have one man who lives local and we just chat, one I met for a drink but we have just remained friends as his chains on his bed were too much for me! And another who I chat now as a friend with a view to meeting one day
I like that it's all quite direct and not everyone just wants nsa

Good luck let us know!!

I have come to the conclusion that I am entirely shockable .
It s a whole new ball game, but, hey, what fun!

@Awholenewlife123 I was also in a 20+ year relationship with uninspiring and then zero sex. I'm afraid I couldn't wait reclaim that part of life and it's been a revelation! Makes me look back on all those barren years with sadness and regret.
@Wasail Fab was a huge confidence booster for me and everyone is so open about what they want, it's refreshing. Hope you enjoy!
All going well Mr Political, though there is still some drama in the background with his adult (SEN) daughter. She now rings him when she knows I'm there, yells at him about how she's in second place and slams the phone down. His ex then sends spiteful messages. Despite all this, I really really like him. (Yes I know, I can feel the eye rolls from here!!!) I've told him he's got to have firmer boundaries, which he realises but has been avoiding. It sounds like he's been walked all over for years and his ex and daughter have got away with it by pandering to the daughter's "mental health needs" (bad behaviour). I won't tolerate it for ever, but I'm giving him a chance to sort it out because he's lovely.

I had my sunny Sunday afternoon date with Mr Tattooed and whilst it clear (to me) he isn't my type or the sort of person I'd have as a bf I believe I may have met someone who might be a good candidate for an FWB or a FB....

Plenty of sexual chemistry, hand holding and touching etc plus the nicest longest car park kiss.

Agreed our next 'date' would be at his house so he can 'show me his musical instrument'.

I'm calling that a win.

Have a phone date this evening with an iron who has me in stitches with his texts but yet to suggest a meet.

Hi I’ve been enjoying the thread and hoped to join in and share my recent experience and possible red flags?!
I’ve rejoined tinder after a couple years off it. Been speaking to a guy for a few days, so he seems nice and I find him attractive but a couple of things he’s told me are a bit unusual - ‘I haven’t touched a women in 3 years’ why is he telling me this after a bit of chit chat. It’s his birthday today and nobody has remembered or done anything to acknowledge it, his mum and dad have apparently forgot and do every year!! He comes across as a bit down about himself and it’s either sadly real or he’s trying a really bad sympathy card technique.

@Seapink2

Welcome

Id agree with your instincts - something is off here, he’s being manipulative/playing the sympathy card?

I reckon he’s hoping you’ll take pity and say “oh, I’ll take you out for your birthday” or “oh dear, you can have physical intimacy with me”.

We all have problems and it’s good to be honest about vulnerabilities (in the right circumstances) but you’re already being groomed to be a rescuer/fixer