Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@Kazziepooes I agree - lateness with no good excuse is a red flag.

With mobile phones it takes three seconds to send a “sorry traffic on my way” message. Even if someone is busy/bad at timekeeping a quick message isn’t hard.

I’ve sometimes given people who show red flags on a first date a chance and even if they are charming and nice and the date ends up going ok, they ALWAYS turn out to be difficult later on.

Not had chance to read but loo update: Mr Local is pretty nice actually. Attractive and looks like his pics. Not a lot in common but likeable. Having a fun night. This is why I do it

Thanks crackofdoom, I'm downloading Bumble as I type ;) I live about 20 miles from a major city and willing to travel so fingers crossed there's enough traffic.

Yay @UtterSocks I know JUST what you mean.

Just had a nice chat with MrCountry - quite a dull “how was your day” and made a few plans for his return kind of thing. No fireworks or drama but quite enjoying the chilled out vibe.

He did keep mentioning how much he fancied me (clearly absolutely gagging for it after four weeks away with only men ).

So I made no promises but might send a tasteful underwear pic at some point - I don’t really feel comfortable getting into “fifty porn style shots” territory but a few as a “teaser” might be fun

Took the plunge, posted a profile on Tinder. Not even paying yet so can't see my likes, one match so far, working up to messaging him but already going off him as he hasn't messaged me first...! And seeing as I'm swiping left on anyone who is looking for 'a partner in crime' or a 'lovely lady to spoil', who has 'traditional values' or who says 'just ask' he might be the only one. Can't imagine ever actually meeting up with anyone. Especially as I'm nursing a broken heart and can't get past comparing them all with him.

Oooooooh I've got a date with the first person who's finally taken my mind off August's ghosting experience.

I have matched and chatted with many people since then but each and every one was dull by comparison to the Phantom

This one (I shall call him Mr Tattooed) is musically gifted which makes me swoon plus made me laugh a lot on our hour long first phone date just now. That in itself was a lovely thing.

Meeting in the same exact place I met the Phantom for our one and only date on Sunday afternoon.

Wish I knew how tall he is but guess I'll find out soon enough.

Like Mr Phantom this new iron is a bit rubbish at texting with sometimes a day going by between texts but I'm glad in a way as I'm rubbish for getting in to a textual relationship with people I've not even met them deeply regretting it afterwards.

Yay though. Nice to have a date before the weather turns (and future lockdowns are incurred?) 👍

@UtterSocks

Morning all. I have a date tonight with Mr Local. Just off to a pub. He is quite a bit younger than me and just looking for casual. On the minus side, not tall. Plus side - sporty, beard and can hold a conversation. But I feel pretty indifferent to everyone right now.

Still wondering what to do about Mr Bike. How do you stop seeing someone because they are rubbish at sex? I mean what on earth can I say? I would quite like to keep him as a friend ... he’s been nothing but nice to me but it is really a dealbreaker

I also have to stop seeing someone for being hopeless in bed. Not at sex because he was so bad I couldn't be bothered to go that far.

Let me know what you say to him!

Mine I dated about ten times (Covid slow pace) and he did lack dynamism, not really suggesting dates (wanting to see me, but having no suggestions on what to do), not great conversation, so in the end I kind of forced the issue by asking if he'd like to stay over one night. Should have taken the hint from the general lack of dynamism!
He's on holiday currently, I have to do it when he's back. Annoyingly, he sent me flowers this week.

Just popping in to say how massively impressed I am with @Dancerinthemoonlight and the massive shift in boundary setting and self worth. It's just lovely to see. And I think you could teach some of us a few things.

All is good here. Recently had a lovely weekend away with Mr B.

@Notcoolmum
I thought exactly the same about @Dancerinthemoonlight, its like a butterfly emerging from the chrysalis 🐛🦋

Mr K and I have reached 1 year today and we're going away later on today.

Never in a million years did i expect this to happen, for those who haven't heard it before....i came out of a 17 year marriage/19 yr relationship that was full of emotional affairs and abuse.
I planned to stay single forever and just have a handful of FB/FWBs and that worked for just over a year (i found these guys on dating sites) and then i joined Fabswingers.

Mr K was one of the first i met and i couldn't keep away, it helps that he lives about 10mins away so i used to pop in for sex all the time because he is very skilled and I'm very spoilt.
The months ticked on and we started spending more time together that wasnt just about sex and it grew from there.
He was the first to mention that he liked me a lot and we finally went exclusive in June although we had been exclusive since end of November anyway.

I struggle sometimes to get my head round it all, i never planned to meet anyone for a relationship but it feels right so I'm going with the flow.

There are no plans to live together or marry or anything. He's been hurt in the past too so we are quote happy doing our thing and having our own lives as well.

Newbie here. V glad I read this thread! I nervously put myself on Bumble last weekend and matched with the only guy I liked the look of. We chatted and agreed to meet for coffee today. He sent me his number and I sent mine back for whatsapp even though I wasn't sure whether this was the right thing to do or not. But I thought it might be useful in case one of us was running late. Then he messaged asking if he could send me some of his 'guitar work'. No, mate, I've got enough guitarists in my life and I've been to too many crap open mic nights. Didn't say that, just said 'let's start with coffee'. Last night I get a whatsapp saying 'ok, when suits'. Pointed out we were supposed to be meeting today and this morning I get 'Damn, I forgot. I'm in London, can we reschedule?' No apology. So that's a no from me. Flakiness makes me roll my eyes so Rule 7 comes into play!

So this hasn't been a great first foray, and Bumble isn't exactly busy. Are there any grown up men out there?

Marking my place, not much going on here, been seeing FWB but it’s become more and more clear that he wants a relationship, I haven’t seen him for a week and he says he misses me. It’s kind of putting me off, I like him but was just enjoying the sex and chit chat, not sure he’s really the type of person I would be in a relationship with but then maybe that’s where I’m going wrong. I have told him to just see how things go and that I don’t really want to call it anything right now.

So, I had a date last night, just a walk and a drink, and we got on well. He's attractive, and I think he finds me attractive as he snogged my face off and wants to meet for dinner next Saturday.

We live an hour apart and I've said I'll go up to his city for dinner.

So, what's the rules, if I ended up back at his place for dessert?

I haven't properly dated in years, my last relationship we met and started with sexual attraction and grew into more, not the other way around. I've been clear, I'm looking for friendship and fun, with no set agenda. And I'm going to go out for a drink with someone else next week.

@fresh I agree, no apology means no second chance. And I hate disorganised people.

@SortingItOut thanks for sharing your story. It is a great one and good inspiration for the rest of us

@fresh Good for you. Start as you mean to go on! Good job you had the exchange instigated by guitar suggestion else you may have been waiting for someone who forgot he wasn't able to make the date.

My latest observation is that in 2.5 years of dating (interspersed with months of inactivity while I had exclusive romances) not a single bloke had been into asking questions. Ok just one who I'm chatting to now but we are text pen friends no mention of phoning or meeting.

What is that all about? Why would men not be interested in the women they are dating? I can't understand it. I accept I am a naturally curious prober of people anyway but to be so uninterested in a person they might potentially get involved in seems totally weird to me.
Wondering if they are al simply wired differently and like personal info and backstory to dribble out naturally over time.

Odd

Ha! Thanks for the feedback. Do you always give out your mobile number to prospective meetups when you've made an arrangement to meet? It made me slightly uncomfortable but I don't know the accepted etiquette.

Yes @fresh I get off the apps as soon as poss with regard to moving to an alternative (WhatsApp) texting channel but only those I feel interested in. Partly to be able to exchange pics, songs etc better than you can with the Tinder/Bumble messaging systems.

I'm pretty laissez faire about who has my number for some reason.

@WanderingLost167

My own rules are make sure a trusted friend knows who you are meeting and where you will be. Send them a reassuring text to let them know you are ok.

Practice safe sex

Fingers crossed that he isn't terrible in matters of a sexual nature.

Personally I like to get physicals in fairly early as (a) it's what I'm looking for - like you fun etc and see how things go from there (b) as several have noted on this thread it's not guaranteed that someone you get on with in person will be compatible with you in the sack.
For me it's like the final interview of a long recruitment campaign!

Thank you to those who have offered your advice. Lessons I’ve taken from this; lateness is fine with a genuine excuse, because I think we all know when someone has just been too disorganised to leave on time.

I’ve taken the point that an initial red flag should always be listened to.

Lying about age, not thru old pics but actually stating a different age is hugely disrespectful & I don’t have to put up with this. The excuses I’ve heard from men who have done this, such as, it was a mistake & they couldn’t amend it, or that lots of girls have told them they look younger.

Thanks to you lot I now know I don’t need to put up with this and that I should talk to you guys and ignore the advice of various friends etc my side who offered less than adequate advice!! End of rant.

Thank you all!

Right time for a spill

My FWB Mr Treacle being a total darling just now and making me laugh a lot. Meeting him Tuesday for dinner.

Mr Planner was still messaging so I asked if he wanted to catch up, he's not actually answered the question directly so I'm taking that as a no and not investing in the conversation, can't bring myself to block yet but I'll talk about it in my counselling session later. I talked the Mr Planner thing through with Mr Swan and he was the sweetest and best friend but it reminded me he's young and not for me even if he is my best friend and I love him.

Mr Charity and I are supposed to have a date this evening but we didn't firm up plans and I've not heard since Wednesday from him.

I've been chatting to a Mr Beautiful and sent a 'well you could ask me to brunch tomorrow' message when he asked me for suggestions for fun, he's replied with ...' I can ask you for supper this evening' We've not talked much at all and I don't know much about him but I'm tempted to sack off Mr Charity and go... seen as he didn't get in touch.

Wise ones what should I do?

Sack Mr Charity off. Totally!

It's funny, I think there's legislation somewhere that says last minute dates, especially at a chap's house, are inadvisable, but considering that I normally have to arrange dates with military precision weeks in advance- which is a colossal pain in the arse- if the chance to do something spontaneous does pop up I find it incredibly refreshing!

Mind you, I might steer the venue back to a public place, if you're meeting him for the first time.

@cravingthelook, I'd definitely be going for Mr Beautiful over Mr Charity tonight. It seems to me that most of us on the thread are pretty conscientious about making the plans, sending, the text, doing the prep, finding the time. I think it usually says something about their level of interest and intention if prospective irons don't respond in the same way, especially those who you have already met.
I love a bit of spontaneity. I had a lovely FWB Mr Photography earlier in the year when Mr V went off radar. He was great at just sending me a text or calling saying are you free tonight ?

@Notcoolmum and @sortingitout
I don't know what to say. You are both being incredibly kind. It hasn't been an easy transition to make and I'm not sure of I would have finally realised my worth without this thread.

I had an old iron I vaguely remember talking to text last night. I never actually met him so I can't remember much about him, the chats just fizzled out before it got to that point. It was a what are you up to and can I see you text. At 10:30pm the only thing in his mind at the time will have been a hookup. Fine I'm in holiday in Cornwall but I would have told him no even if I hadn't of been.