Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@CurlsLDN, if the message yesterday asking about timing for tonight was sent at 7.30pm then I wouldn't be bothering with him later. I'd already be mentally assigning this one to the delete and move on pile.

@onesmallstep67 yes it was. Sigh. Think I'm going to give up on dating again for a bit, I'm not heartbroken as of course we'd only had one date, but the uncertainty and the rudeness makes you feel so crap!

@CurlsLDN, the rudeness and unpredictability of some online is definitely the hardest part. I promise you though if you stick with this thread you will get tons of constructive support and advice. If and when I am back on the apps I know that I will be doing so with better boundaries and higher expectations. You sound like you have the measure of it already. It's just utterly frustrating and irritating when you encounter the chancers and time wasters. As you said, all he needed to say was ' on second thoughts I don't think this is what I'm looking for, good luck ' . Onwards and upwards

@CurlsLDN

sadly this is why there's rule 2. disappearing and rudeness is par for the course..

What's rule 2? I've missed the rules

@CurlsLDN ‘Develop a thick skin’. The ‘rules’ are on the first post of the thread.

Aah just seen them! I dived straight into the last few pages to catch up.

Well he's messaged saying sorry, can we reschedule? And saying work is really busy.

I've replied and said no problem about tonight, but if he just doesn't fancy a 2nd date he can just let me know as I'm a big girl and I can handle it.

So I guess now he can either reschedule, or say yeah actually I don't want a 2nd date, then at least I'll know where I stand!

curlsldn unfortunately my last few irons played out the same way. 1 had brilliant first date with, extended the date into early hours, lots of kissing, next date arranged next day and then ghosted. Last iron, chatted for week and half, called me every day, got on really well, date arranged, faked illness to get out of it then ghosted me. Unfortunately I seem to attract "time wasters and chances"

Obviously it’s somewhat the nature of the forum here, but is the drops in communication, blowing hot and cold, ghosting, general shifty and shitty behaviour getting out of hand? Or has it always been this bad?

Arse ! Mr Cocky is offering a sexy session this Friday. Given my recent posts about the lack of sex with Mr V it's thrown me somewhat.
Mr Cocky is a long standing FWB but not seen him since June when I reconnected properly with Mr V. I've turned down other offers when they have come from other former FWB. I will have to say no. I would hate for Mr V to be doing anything with anyone else. It is making me think about my commitment to Mr V though. I have way too much time on my hands and if someone wants to fill some of it paying me attention then I find it hard to resist. Mr Cocky doesn't know about Mr V. He's the only person I haven't told.

Sounds like you’re playing with fire there @Onesmallstep67.

@DudefromThatLondon, I have been OLD for 6 years on and off and I think it's always been pretty consistently the same. The internet allows anyone and everyone to access people that you wouldn't meet in real life and in greater numbers. it allows people to connect with others with a variety of intentions. Not everyone is looking for a relationship so their attitude towards who they message or endeavour to meet is different to those who are looking something more conventional. There is also a usually lots of potential people to choose from or new ones coming along daily so the mentality of some will be to keep looking or moving on in case they are missing something 'better' . This is usually behind the lack of interest or investment.

Mr Cocky doesn't know about Mr V. He's the only person I haven't told.

But does Mr V know about Mr Cocky?

(I can't believe I just typed that!)

Tiggerdatter, I know. I am not going to see Mr Cocky. I am going to tell him a variation of the truth, that actually to keep doing what we do isn't working for me. That it's not 'casual' and 'fun' because we are too emotionally involved. 6 years of almost daily contact. I'm not sure how anyone can do that without expecting the other to feel a deep connection. A variation of craving's Mr Swan.

@Onesmallstep67 i think if you don't want Mr V with others, then you shouldn't do that to him

@VanGoghsDog, no Mr V doesn't know about Mr Cocky and even typing about this is making me feel really shitty. This is a trait I am not proud of. I felt rather overwhelmed by the attention I got OLD initially that it went to my head and I didn't always make good choices. I was someone who multidated and kept various irons in the fire so as not to leave myself vulnerable. I lost my DH to illness and in the midst of grief Mr Cocky provided an unexpected amount of distraction and it turned into a pretty profound connection. I know I need to cut the ties. It's wrong. I need to move on and I need to retrain myself to be faithful and committed to only one person because essentially that is what I always had and what I want. I would be floored if I discovered Mr V was seeing anyone else.

@Eesha, yes, you are right. I am going to gather my thoughts and reply to Mr Cocky.
A much needed shake from those of you that have commented

No judgement from me @Onesmallstep67, my behaviour since cutting loose from XH has been very questionable indeed! It just reads to me that, because you have some doubts about Mr V, you are tempted to keep Mr Cocky as your backup. However after 6 years you know he is not a candidate for the role you want him as backup for ie a proper relationship. So you, let alone Mr V and Mr Cocky, are likely going to get hurt.

I never commented on your concerns about only seeing Mr V once a week and not always having sex even then. For what it's worth I would feel ambivalent in your shoes too, if this was me and Mr GN. Very occasionally there has been an evening and/or a morning when we have not had sex and it's been bloody weird, making me question everything - yet I quite happily went 10 years without sex in my marriage! I realise that, in my relationship with Mr GN, sex is absolutely central. Without it, I'm not entirely sure what there is that will last the course. I'm not saying this is analogous to your situation, but I guess i am agreeing with you that it's not a small issue by any means.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4049592-Dating-Thread-195-Level-Dean-home-of-serious-women-who-actually-talk?watched=1

@TiggerDatter, I need to work through my concerns with how I feel about Mr V and I need to do that without Mr Cocky influencing my view. the difficulty is that he is much more than a back up plan, there is more emotional and personal history there than just someone I might want to have occasional sex with. Those guys are already gone. I absolutely don't feel judged, I always feel that the contributors to the thread are looking out for each other and giving a prod or nudge when needed.

Thanks for the new thread @Dancerinthemoonlight

I'm observing myself falling fast and hard for the iron I had first date with on Saturday (Ffs. What am I like?)

Trying trying trying to play it cool and remember I had a well rounded life before we matched last Mon.

And remembering that it's a two way discovery process and what appears to be may not be. He may be telling lies about not talking to others. May decide I'm not his type etc etc. And I might realise I don't like something fundamental about him.

He's called me each day since Date 1. No lovebombing or cheesy flattery just funny & a video walk round his (lovely) flat.

Says he's 'impatient' to see me again so suggested Date 2 for tomorrow evening.

Even just writing this hear has pulled me to my senses and can now see I was letting my rich imagine get away with me instead of coolly allowing the prices to unfold.

It's such a bloody rollercoaster this OLD thing.

Oh yeah despite my XH finally slithering out if the woodwork to suggest he parents his kids overnight occasionally (at long last)
My DDs are flatly refusing to entertain the idea of going to their dad's as the 'vibe is so wrong' so if I ever was in the position to invite an iron to mine for some hot romance I wouldn't be able to. Great. Thanks XH for skipping off with OW & her three kids and leaving me to do 99.99% parenting.