Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@ZoZoBo well done...I hope I can get to that point soon.

@Wanttobeonabeach you will and sooner than you think. Just be kind to yourself ...you deserve so much better.

Hello, could o have some opinions please. Been on 4 "dates" with a man I like. Intimacy was involved in 2 of them.
I then texted him "Have you already decided that this will only ever be purely physical?"
He replies with "I haven't really thought about it. I tend to focus on today."
Does that mean it's purely physical?

That's a weird question to ask @Beebeeboo2 was there any context?
To be fair, his response reads to me like he just doesn't know yet after 4 dates and is seeing where it's going?

I know it's a weird question. It was a combination of me overthinking and him sending a suggestive text that led me to asking. And I suppose a fear that that's what he was thinking. I kinda of just wanted to know if it was safe to start feeling things.

In a way it reads like you night want it ti be. Has he given you any reason to make it seem like he's just after a hook up?

Reason to believe he's just after a hook up: when I said it was the time of the month, he said "oh we can meet after then"

@HairyArsedMan I think you need to have a cards on the table chat if you do see her. Address the staying over and tell the truth that you won't try something as long as you are friends.

I've not got much going, I just can't be arsed just now.
Me Planner was messaging at the weekend, just friendly chit chat.
Mr Swan is being his usual emotionally stunted ignorant self.
I've a few chats going but none are going anywhere

Ms Jam is back though and we planning a walk later in the week 😁 I've really missed her.

Oh beebee that makes sense and is actually disrespectful. Do you just want sex? If not I don't think I'd continue

No I want a relationship :/

You could maybe say it appears like we want different things going by is attitude about meeting when you you have your period.

See what he says. I do find that quite rude..not surprising you sent that message

@Beebeeboo2

I’d pie him off if you want a relationship - he’s been quite clear in his actions.

He’s not going to come out and say directly “it’s a hookup” because then you’ll move on and he’ll lose access to sex

I think dancer and me had this discussion earlier - there’s no disrespect for the guys who just come straight out with “I’m looking for a hookup or casual”?

They’re honest about what they’re looking for, you can say yes or no

It’s the ones who blur the boundaries who are annoying

@Beebeeboo2 have you been out on 'proper' dates or has it only been sex on the 2 times you have been intimate? What has the dating pattern looked like?

Dating pattern:
Date 1: coffee in park
Date 2: lunch at restaurant
Date 3 & 4: Dinner at his with dtd

@Beebeeboo2
To me date 3 and 4 seem like quite low investment and that the plan was you were already at his so dtd was highly likely. He is blurring the lines and not saying if he is dating you with the intention of it becoming more. I'd say it would probabaly be on the more casual side given his comment of not seeing you during the time of the month.

Ok, thank you everyone for your responses I did have a nagging feeling, but wasn't sure if I was being paranoid.

@Beebeeboo2 I think four dates in is a little early to decide on where things are going so I can understand his response, albeit I would have worded it differently!

I’d be tempted to continue for the time being and see if things have moved forward a month or two on. Also, could you suggest dates whereby you are going out too so you can move the focus away from the physical side?

Why did you tell him you had your period - that makes it look like you think it's only sex!

If I was going on date five I wouldn't bother to tell someone in advance that I had my period.

Yeah he might have thought you wanted to rearrange by telling him that.

Hi everyone, I'm new to this thread but hoping to join and get some outside perspective!

I met a guy on tinder, we messaged for a couple of weeks then had a lovely first date. At the end had a car park kiss and he asked to see me again. Carried on messaging through the week.
A week after date 1 I asked him if he has plans for the weekend, he went silent for 24 hours for the first time. I assumed that was it then and he didn't want to meet up again.
But then he got back in touch, apologised for being quiet, and after a bit more chatting he suggested date 2 - dinner tonight, we agreed a place and he said he'd book a table.

Yesterday we messaged a bit as usual (he messaged first), I asked him what time should we meet tonight? I haven't heard from him since.

I've had a sleepless night wondering what's going on and now I don't know if I'm going out tonight or not.

He has so far seemed kind and mature so if he's decided he doesn't want a 2nd date I'd have thought he'd just tell me, but then he was the one who suggested it only a few days ago.

Any thoughts on this? I'm inexperienced at online dating as I was married so would love your thoughts

@CurlsLDN i personally think he has reservations as didn't ask about a second date, and was slow to respond when you asked. I would be keeping my options open at this stage personally if I were you.

@CurlsLDN, at what point yesterday did you ask about the time for this evening? Were the messages yesterday bouncing back and forth like an instant text conversation ? As in did he suddenly stop chatting?

I can sense that you are already feeling anxious about his communication style and that's not good. And really there's no excuse for not replying to the question about timing unless you asked late last night.
He may be chatting to other people, this can happen a lot with online dating. But that's not an excuse to be flaky with plans. I would wait and see what is said when he is in touch later. If he isn't then you have your answer. Virtually everyone on this thread has encountered this many times. Sadly it's another feature of OLD. If he is in touch and the date happens maybe try to find a way to make it clear that you prefer to know what is happening ahead of the day itself which is an obviously completely acceptable expectation. We know that generally actions speak louder than words. I'm sure you will find your feet with dating, it can sometimes be a steep learning curve. Usually if something doesn't feel right your instincts are correct. People that are into you and interested will offer free flowing communication including making plans that are confirmed and stuck to.

@CurlsLDN welcome. And for me that disappearing act when plans are being formed is a hard 'no', I wouldn't even wait to see what he comes back with later. But I know my approach isn't for everyone!

Thanks all, yeah my instincts are saying that he's gone cold for whatever reason - which is totally his right to do, I just wish he (and all people) would be adults about it and just let you know!
We were messaging yesterday but not much, he messaged me first in the morning, I replied. He messaged again later in the day, I replied. He does a manual job so not unusual for him not to message when working.

I asked about the plan for tomorrow/today about 7.30pm, and he's been online since