Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

Following on from advice on here I am no longer making the first move on tinder, this has kept things quite a lot quieter and a bit dull to be honest.
How long do you leave matched men with no contact before cleaning up and unmatching them? Also if a conversation fizzles out with an iron, how long do you leave it before unmatching them?
I'm naturally impatient but happy to wait 24 hours between messages as I have a very busy life I expect them to too.
I have just cleaned up my matches page and there are only two or three that I'm actually making an effort to talk to (they actually send eloquent replies and show an interest in me).
I know that there are no rules about this but wondered how others manage their irons.

@UtterSocks
Drinking to have sex definitely means you need to walk away from the dating.
If you want to be his friend you could say you dont see you're compatible for a relationship.

Do you need more friends or is it just because he is so nice?

Thanks for the new thread Dancer.
Feeling a bit meh today. Combination of several stressful days and events, none of which directly involve Mr V. But I guess at these difficult times we look to those around us for support and comfort if needed - and he's coming up a bit short. I think overall he's a bit too self contained for me. I'm not sure he's really deeply bothered about being in a RS, not sure he knows how to open up to someone. He's funny, good company and easy going but he's not great with affection or making me feel important. And surely that's needed isn't it ? I am perimenopausal so my emotions and hormones can be a bit erratic. It's times like this my best friend tells me I sound like I am self sabotaging. We are due to go away together for the weekend. I will see if that makes things feel any more connected.

Thanks for thread @Dancerinthemoonlight

Marie kondo’ing my stuff like hell here. “Touch it and if it does not spark joy get rid of it”

Bit nervous about phone call with MrCountry tonight - I think I’m so used to being a bit “on edge/overthinking/trying to flirt/impress with dates” I need to remind myself that if this is going to have legs, I just need to “be myself”.
Not necessarily oversharing or throwing emotional baggage at him, but “myself is enough”.

Like I was thinking of sending a cute selfie this morning, but tbh I feel a bit grotty so don’t want to. So I won’t. Myself should be enough.

@UtterSocks in my village there are 2 pubs, an Indian restaurant that gets raided for illegal workers every year or so and a more upmarket restaurant. I'm not sure if I'd go to any for dates now because they are only a street away from me and given past experiences with threats etc I'd sooner an iron not know where I live until at least a few dates in so I can get more of a feel for them.
I don't mind the 30 or so minute drive as it means more of a selections with bars, restaurants, indoor crazy golf, bowling etc, im in the area all the time for food shopping and have a friend who lives there aswell.
Most men I seemed to attract lived in London and would just ask me if I visited London, giving the impression that I can travel to them but they wouldn't be travelling outside London. When I get back to dating I'm also going to try not to be the one always suggesting date ideas. When irons hear what my job is they expect me to do all the organising and planning.

@HairyArsedMan you were the first person I thought of when I saw the new thread title! Not because you're dire obvs but because you seem to be the only man here these days. I'm also not sure about your friendship with Ms T. Is she stringing you along? I mean you're quietly hoping she'll fall for you, aren't you? Be careful!

@UtterSocks I don't understand, if you're not bothered why are you meeting/dating people? Or am I just being too literal/asd again! Maybe you should give it a break if they're all merging into one. It all sounds so chaotic. What are you looking for a bf or just multiple FWB?

As for me it's interesting. Since I listed myself as my real age I'm getting no matches. I mean none. Same pix as before when I said I was 49 but nope, now I'm listed as 52 not a sausage. At 49 I was getting matches pinging left right and centre, at 52 I'm past it!

Having said that I presume that if I put my age limits down to 30 all the milf-lovers would pop up but I'm not doing that. Although to be fair I swipe right in about 1 in 50 so maybe it's my pickiness.

I've got a date on Saturday which I'm actually quietly hopeful about but he is a bit humourless. Mr U is sniffing around constantly trying to get me to
Agree to a shag but the last one was dire so I'm not going there.

SortingItOut I'm still learning about poly but I'm leaning more towards just open/casual ish. We're happy with each other but open to new experiences and because we can't see each other very often have talked about maybe having a fwb. We're both very open about it with each other and agree the importance of communicating about it.
To the PP re bad sex uttersocks (?) is it physical incompatibility/lack of chemistry or technique? It sounds like maybe you've gone past the point of no return but technique can certainly be adjusted if he's otherwise a good guy.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Look up mental load and wifework - some time, I don’t think it just applies for full time LTRs 🤷‍♀️

I just find the whole “yeh I’ll say I’ll be your boyfriend if you’ll do all the organising/hosting/travelling/hard work” vibe incredibly unattractive and non-sexy in early dating.

Maybe if you’re with your childhood or uni sweetheart and do everything as a team it’s ok to be quite giving as you know it’s a team effort and it will pay off for both of you.

But sometimes I think “a virtual stranger wants to spend his weekends chilling at my place having sex - whilst going out and getting on with his social life elsewhere or using his emotional resources for progressing his own life whilst I get to play hostess” and term it a “relationship”.

ugh, first blocking today, he told me off for being on the app and not being on Whatsapp with him and getting to know him. I explained needy and passive aggressive was a huge turn off and blocked. Apparently I was attention seeking? Almost put off dating after 3 days.

I have a date tonight though, although I'm sure entirely sure what I'm doing. I'm still heart broken and then also worried this guy won't find me attractive. I suppose it beats sitting on the sofa drinking gin. Or does it?

@Wasail I delete people and block them after a week of no contact and mentally give up after 3 days!

@SortingItOut - no I don't NEED more friends, but he has not done anything wrong and I enjoy his company. Just don't want to have sex with him and it seems less brutal than walking away. But then I do tend to collect people!

@unambiguousbeard your question is interesting and I've given it some thought. I think that a) I enjoy first dates and meeting new people, b) I want the distraction to get over Mr Beard, and secretly hope I can find someone I like as much as him, though that isn't happening c) I am terminally restless and like to be out and about, and d) I want the sex but find Fabswingers a bit brutal! And I am lonely and not ready to give up on a relationship!

I need to get ready for a date with Mr Local now but will do a loo update later

@NoBloodyFighting
Thanks for answering my question.
Is it busy lives that stop you meeting more?
Are you in a relationship with him or just casual as well?

Previously i had loads of FBs/FWBs but now i am properly with Mr K we have agreed to be exclusive and not even meet other couples (pre covid when we were FB we went to a swingers club).

@UtterSocks
Enjoy your date.

You dont need to collect people, you have loads of friends and just because you dont want a relationship doesnt mean you have to stay friends.
Think of yourself first and stop being a people pleaser (unless he really is like no other friend you have and will make your life better)

a) I enjoy first dates and meeting new people, b) I want the distraction to get over Mr Beard, and secretly hope I can find someone I like as much as him, though that isn't happening c) I am terminally restless and like to be out and about, and d) I want the sex but find Fabswingers a bit brutal! And I am lonely and not ready to give up on a relationship!

@UtterSocks - honestly you just articulated what I can't.
This... is is me, but change the Mr Beard for Mr Swan.

@Bunkbedpeople

This is so depressingly true But sometimes I think “a virtual stranger wants to spend his weekends chilling at my place having sex - whilst going out and getting on with his social life elsewhere or using his emotional resources for progressing his own life whilst I get to play hostess” and term it a “relationship”.

Wasail I have the same issue. I've only been on Tinder for a week and initially got loads of matches. But having been lurking on the dating threads I have decided not to message first. Did no-one give the men the message that they should chat? Or at least say more than 'hey'. I started unmatching after 24 hours of no chat, but that's maybe a bit severe? Ugh ... hate this already

Love the thread title.

I'm still swiping and messaging various irons but no dates lined up.
This is as close to a winter sabbatical as I'll go I think as can't walk away from the apps completely. I'd worry that I missed someone plus I do like the textual intercourse even when it comes to nothing.

Tinder still my favourite with Bumble a close second.

Had a funny thing this week - returned to the office with special permission. Just me and a bloke on the other side I introduced myself to him then overheard him talking to another colleague 'Are you still seeing that bird off Tinder?' 'Nah'
He came up on my feed with a pic of him and my boss. I swiped left naturally.

Now have the skin crawling feels as assume he's seen my profile too.
Yuck.

Purplefresias having spent the day thinking about this I have come to the conclusion that I’m too impatient. I can’t be arsed with waiting passively for them to message me so have started sending a message inviting them to introduce themselves - so many men don’t bother to put any text on their profile I think it’s only fair to prompt them to tell me something. If they can only come back with “Hi” on no reply I will delete after 24 hours.
So far this week I have asked two men for a coffee date only for them to unmatch me. It seems that forward women will never be popular 🤷🏻‍♀️.

If a man was extremely late for a first date how long would you wait?
I only ask, as in reflection when I was doing OLD several men were 20+ mins late with no actual reason or apology.
Also, is it fine to thank someone for meeting but excuse yourself should you find they are lying about their age?
Apologies I seem clueless....

@kazziepooes I used to wait up to an hour or sometimes even more but since joining this thread a max of 15 minutes with not text or call with an excuse such a road closure, accident or something similar. If they think they can waste your time on the first date when they are still trying to impress you then they are not worth hanging around for. Likewise it is completely fine to excuse yourself from the date for any reason including if they seem to have been lying about something such a their age.

@Dancerinthemoonlight thank you very much. I’m with you that now I’ve read all of this I will do things differently too.... I think I need a text / call with a REAL reason as I tend think if they can’t respect my time then they aren’t worth it. I met one guy who was 30+ mins late to meet me the first time, I was literally 1 minute late to meet him the second time and he was calling me asking where I was. There was no third time.

Yes; going forward I will be a lot tougher & realise I don’t need to waste my time with liars. The excuses I’ve heard from men as to why they lie about their age are incredulous & I no longer intend to put up with it. That and constant texting & commenting on anything like what I eat or my hair.

Next time is going to be different.

@Kazziepooes it is a learning curve for me to be tougher and not bend over backwards or be a people pleaser. Personally if they have a real reason to excuse the lateness and it doesn't happen again then it is excusable but if there isn't an excuse or it begins to form part of a pattern then they aren't respecting my time.
I have had men lying to me about their age, I know it is tough as not everyone looks their age but I don't see a reason to lie about it. I often get asked if I am actually 27 as I tend to look younger. I also no longer put up with slight controlling tendencies from the beginning such as telling me that I shouldn't be doing things like going ice skating or wanting to learn how to ski, I know I have had multiple operations and a hidden disability but I don't let anything stop me from doing activities that I want to

wasail and purplefresias this is one of the reasons I prefer Bumble, as well as Bumble forcing people to fill out some basic- crucial- details, such as whether they have kids, whether they want kids etc. Less traffic than on Tinder, but, given that women are expected to make the first move, about 75% of blokes reply to an initial message I reckon.

Have just deleted Tinder. Am officially Having a Break apart from Fab , and will resume with Bumble in a short while.

SortingItOut no problem. Busy lives, clashes in schedules and distance to an extent too. It's hard to just pop by for an hour or so. We are in a rs and do all the usual couple stuff but exploring the swing/swap scene (as much as is possible in these times). Neither of us are looking for anything particularly serious/forever but enjoy being together. It might not work out between us/with having fwb but we want to give it a go.

@Kazziepooes Don’t put up with ‘no excuses, no phone call’ lateness. Anyone with a mobile can share their journey progress with you and you can see if they’re stuck in traffic.

I dislike fibbing about age but understand it, but if it’s done with really old photos then I think you’re within your rights to walk away. You’re always within your rights to call things off really and under no obligations to deal with someone’s insecurities.

@unambiguousbeard I think it’s the way Tinder works. There’s a slider up to 49. Then after that you get everyone 50+. I suppose those wishful thinking blokes are not moving the slider past 49 which is a shame for them really ! I don’t think Ms T is stringing me along - it seems a genuine friendship - without outing info she’s been very generous with her time, brings stuff along for me, keeps in touch, suggests things for us to do (which is more than the last woman I was ‘involved’ with at the start of the year ever did).

@Kazziepooes I don't hang around after 15 mins if there's been no message from them. Rudeness isn't acceptable. As for lying about their age, I tend to wonder what else they're willing to lie about, so that would be a no from me too. I don't have a problem maintaining boundaries with men I don't know. It's once I'm in relationships that I start getting fuzzy.