Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

My first date didn't go well! He was dull, barely asked me anything. Ugh, I hope I fare better tomorrow.

I have my first Fab coffee date tomorrow morning.

@Seapink2 I agree with bunkbedpeople, don’t get sucked into his pity party

Oh go, I had a nightmare date last night, got really drunk he came back to mine & did a lot of stuff minus full sex, hangover had me feeling like crap all day & then he rang at lunchtime to tell me basically he doesn't want to know as it's too soon after his wife (ex?) the date cost me a fortune, I paid for almost everything despite him owning 3 businesses and I'm a single currently unemployed mum.

OLD is brand new to me. Thank you for this thread

But why did you pay for almost everything?

I mean, I don't buy into the idea that Men Must Pay, to show their interest or whatever it is, but really costs should be shared!

I like the man to offer on the first date, me to refuse and say we'll go halves, him to graciously accept and then to go halves automatically for following dates.

Hi guys
Nice to see so many new faces. I think !
Question to those who have been seeing people for 6 months plus. How often do you see them ? Is there a pattern or regularity to it ?
I'm still seeing Mr P and trying to be much more chilled about it but I definitely only get to see him when HE is available due to childcare and house stuff and his children days this week he's chosen to invite his dad up again to help with the new house electrics. So I wont see him for another week.
Is that ok ?
I mean, I have no clue what I'm doing really .first relationship since 20 year marriage ended and I'm constantly questioning everything wondering if he's taking the pee and using me as filler.
I AM TRYING to be more chill I promise!

Hi @Clovertoast,
The relationship should suit you both, if this isn’t working for you then it’s not right. Do you feel he is prioritising trivialities over time with you?
If you are happy with this man then I would suggest getting some hobbies and being less available for him, only see him when it suits you not just when he has a free 5 minutes.

@Seapink2 and this is Jim showing you his ear side?! Unmatch!

@Wasail I just couldn't understand fab. I need faces. I found the interface so off putting. But then I don't think I was ever in the market for just casual sex so maybe it wasn't for me.

@Ingridla how on earth did you end up paying for everything? Did you want to mess around the way you did?

My typing. Him. Not Jim. And best side. Not ear...

@Clovertoast you seem to have a fair bit of anxiety about Mr P. Do you think it's your gut saying something is a bit off?

I see Mr B at least twice a week. We meet up during the day the weekend he has his DC and do something together. He stays one night during the week and one night at weekend. I think we would do more but are mindful of my teens. Been seeing each other just over a year.

Thanks for the response, good to hear my intuition was right!
I will call him Mr fish ! He told me he has a week off work, I have two days off now, here’s me thinking ideal time to meet up but no he’s spending his week off fishing! Think I will cut my loses with this one!

@Wasail good luck today!

Thanks @Notcoolmum that's really fucking helpful

Both his cards were rejected in the bar and his Über signal apparently wouldn't pick up. At the time I was certain I'd see him again as we were getting on so,well and yes I really fancied him, for the first time in 3 years I felt sexually attracted to someone. Sorry if this is against the rules. Thanks for reinforcing my feeling of stupidity and cheap idiot.

@Ingridla it wasn't a judgement. It was a question as to whether you were happy with how it went. Sometimes drink can lower our inhibitions and change our decision making. I was asking as my comments would be different. But clearly my comments aren't welcome.

@Ingridla, the rules of the thread are there to guide and remind us to keep our expectations and boundaries high. No one should be coming away from a date feeling rubbish or taken advantage of. His behaviour has obviously done that and that's not good for you. @Notcoolmum can speak for herself but she's actually very helpful and one of the regular contributors to the thread who is extremely supportive (and wise) in what she says.
OLD can be brutal. We tend to encourage each other to be kind to yourself and not let negative experiences dwell in your mind. Instead learn from it. It sounds like there weren't necessarily any obvious signs that was going to happen with your date. No one wants to feel used.

@Clovertoast sometimes three times a week, sometimes once. Two probably average. But I do voice my complaints if it's just once a week as I don't feel that's enough to be investing in a relationship.

@Clovertoast, do you think it simply comes down to Mr P having different priorities at the moment? He's juggling a fair few things. I imagine getting the house sorted is somewhat of a necessity. Does it feel like you see enough of him to satisfy your own needs ? Can you see light at the end of the tunnel - as in is he likely to have more time for you soon ? I tend to give myself a moveable period of time in which things should improve or change.

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 I guess I've been learning fast & unfortunately the hard way so far.

Hopefully I'll do better next time if there ever is a next time.

Thanks

@ingridla I have been in that situation before where I ended up being the one playing for everything when we were going out so we ended up staying in but even then I was the one buying the food and doing the cooking.
Some men are perfectly happy to just use a woman for money and sex without the thought of it wanting to go somewhere. All I can say is take the experience as a lesson in learning your boundaries and what you find acceptable in regards for going forwards in dating.
Unfortunately I had to learn my boundaries the hard way

Date this morning was nice, considering I met him on Fab he barely touched me. I think I must give off a fierce vibe. He does want to seem me again, I’m not sure if he is the one to get me back in the saddle to be honest. OLD has gone a bit bonkers this morning and I now have three more dates this week.

Welcome @Ingridla

I agree it is a steep learning curve!

One thing I’ve registered is that meeting people online is different from spontaneously bumping into them via friends etc- there’s a lot more scope for guys to be quite calculating/act as predators/ plan to leave their wallet at home in advance ? Plus there’s also often a fake sense of intimacy/trust/hope if you’ve been messaging lots.

So you kind of need to maybe have a different set of expectations and boundaries to meeting a guy through mates . I mean like you I’d probably sub someone if we’re out and it was a genuine accident (softie ) but the guy intentionally manipulating me would put a different spin on it?

When I started with match.com years ago I (very naively) accepted a first meet at s guy’s place because I thought that I generally was ok with fairly “relaxed” meets and I knew his job and where he worked . It wasn’t terrible but I felt awful and manipulated afterwards. I learned after just not to do that

Be kind to yourself, hope the hangover goes (water and coffee) and don’t be put off!

@Ingridla

Thanks *@Onesmallstep67* I guess I've been learning fast & unfortunately the hard way so far.

Hopefully I'll do better next time if there ever is a next time.

Thanks

It's not you who needs to "do better", it's HIM!

You clearly just met a wanker. It's easy to do, we've all done it.

Urgh, was talking to an iron for a week or so, suggested a coffee and suddenly - nothing. I don't believe in speaking online for ages, if there is no spark, let's find out now! But clearly that was not the right way to go about things. Back to the drawing board.

@clevertoast I have been seeing Mr Big for a while. We started chatting etc again at beginning of lockdown and have been more serious for last few months. To be honest I barely see him, like you it's when he has free time as he is busy with work. It was an evening at weekend and a flying visit midweek but not not much last few weeks. It's not enough for me long term but he knows that.

@Clovertoast
I see Mr K 2 or 3 times a week, sometimes less and occasionally more.
We always meet on a Friday night and usually a Tuesday and Thursday depending what else we both have on.
Our days are subject to change if other stuff comes up.

We never meet on Wednesdays or weekends as he has his son.

When we were just FB we met about 5 times a week but gradually we calmed down and now its not all about sex.

I think with your Mr P getting the electrics done in his house has to trump seeing you.
If someone is renovating their house and also sees their children a lot you will come down the pecking order unfortunately.

How are you getting on with improving your life and being busy with things?

I have to agree with someone up thread who mentioned you have a lot of anxiety around Mr P, is he worth it?

Lets not forget he is newly divorced/living on his own and still trying to sort put his dynamics and getting his life back on track.
You are definitely at different stages in what you want from a relationship.