Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

Sorry...really need to write.

Yeah he said he can't be doing with these conversations, I always go on and he's had enough and it is over.

I did bite and explain but got no response.

He's made me like this, I feel fucking crazy and stupid.

@Wanttobeonabeach

You’re not crazy and stupid or needy, the fact that you ARE confident and sane means you valued yourself and your instincts to question this guy.

A lot of us have been through similar, which is why everyone picked up on the guys “modus operandi”

If he wanted a casual fling with no social responsibility he could have stayed on the apps and got one.

he wanted to train you so that you wouldn’t date other guys and be “at his call” but also not act like someone exclusively dating you

It’s the mixed messages which fuck with your brain - if he just said outright “sorry, I’m not really interested in a committed relationship I have too much going on and I can’t offer much headspace” it would be cool.

But he wanted you in limbo “just in case” he felt like dating you. Not cool.

Thanks bunkbed I do wish I'd been a bit more composed...I did go on, but I was getting nothing from him. Just very matter of fact - can't be doing with this conversation, it's over etc. Zero emotion at all which made me more emotional 😪

I didn't handle it very well. He tried to say I'm unreasonable as I equate everything with 'priorities'.I said yes I do expect to be a bit of a priority.

He cancelled me monday, he's in on his own tonight and didn't want to see me, that's not what I want. I want someone that is excited to see me sometimes...not all the time but sometimes.

Well he's shown me for a fact I was right and he doesn't care. He's just made me feel like a crazy lady and not understood a word I was saying.

Yep the mixed messages fuck with my head completely

Seriously there’s nothing wrong with letting off steam, you’re not at an interview you don’t need to be composed.

I’m normally quite composed and try to

..be dignified but I did come up with “f off and die” to a former iron. You’re not seeing the guy again and he’s been manipulative he deserves a bit of a roasting

😁 he did actually.

I didn't swear...was just overly pathetic..embarrassing.

I do feel as you say he was almost training me and managing down my expectations.

I tried my best, very upset but I'm hoping now I'm not so anxious.

I will miss him though...well miss the 'hot' bits. He made me into someone I don't like...I don't think I'm as insane as he makes out. Would any woman be happy with being bottom of the list and her boyfriend rather be sat in on his own than see her?

The thing is you’re not a pathetic needy person though - he constructed this situation so you’d be set up into coming across this way?

Anxiety is horrible but flaky people exacerbate it.

Block him, have a chill out few days, be kind to yourself

Thanks....

Yeah, he knew the situation and could have done something small to help. It tipped me over the edge him being so robotic.

I have probably acted irrationally but it felt like he deliberately tried to hurt me. As you say manufactured the situation. As long as I sat quiet and did everything on his terms it's fine, but that was driving me crazy...upset most days.

I'm upset now but at least not worried.

If I can joint the thread. I’ve just been through a version of this myself @Wanttobeonabeach with a woman who blew hot and cold for a few months and then just stopped communicating. When I questioned her she basically just blew me off and really didn’t seem that bothered. It was obvious it was coming but was still painful. I think the blowing hot and cold had totally messed with my head. I’ve found myself going over and over the red flags that I just ignored, trying to work out why I had ignored them.

Dude - could she have had another iron on the go? When I first started OLD I was a bit guilty of that. I'd let things drift along far too long, trying to weigh up who was best for me. I've also had that done to me. I stopped multi-dating. Then I stopped multi-chatting as that just builds up peoples expectations. I have learnt and grown so much from doing OLD.

@Wanttobeonabeach
I'm really pleased you took control and ended things, even when he knew the end was there he still blamed it all on you.

There is no need to replay what you said, what he said and whether you acted crazy or irrational.
It doesnt matter. What matters is you ended things.

Take some time to cry and scream and then brush yourself down and start doing things to enhance your life to make it great.
You dont need a man right now.
Please get some counselling to address everything.

Woke up this morning to a message from the guy that ghosted me! Well he's too late now
He said his mum had been rushed to hospital so he shut off all social media which seems fair enough and he said he should have let me know he was going to which is nice of him but I like Mr Chaos so I'm just going to respond politely and tell him I'm dating someone :)

@Wanttobeonabeach So basically you told him the relationship didnt work for you, it made you feel shit, and you wanted to end things. And rather than say 'ok yeah I can see how this doesn't work for you and upsets you, I agree' he tells you that you're wrong/ridiculous for having needs . And then tells you you can't fire him because he quits. Its bloody ridiculous. Please block him. In a lull he is liable to come back with a 'hot' version of the same 'im sorry youre just so needy and I felt pressured' only to replay the lot again.

I’ve been quiet for a few days and the thread has gone on by hundreds of pages! I can’t keep up.

Iwanttobeonthebeach well done on ending it, you did all the right things for you. He is just not right for you.
Dude and others, welcome to the thread I hope you all stay with us for this bumpy ride.

Mr Tabtric has gone quiet after weeks of over enthusiastic sexting. It was fun but in hindsight for all his enthusiasm for what he was planning to do to me it was me who set the date. I have had a few texts since but he hasn’t mentioned a second date and neither have i cos I want to see if he is actually keen. He’s not.

I have a few more slow irons- one or two messages a day- which suits me. One has a greed to a date next week but, again, it was me who suggested it.
Why don’t they suggest we meet up? I do try to drop hints before I finally just take the initiative because they are clearly not going to. Are they just not that into me?

@supercali77 he wasn't horrible as such, just very dismissive. He made out we hadn't agreed monday when I brought up the cancellation.

He said he can't be doing with these conversations and it's nonsense. I equate his priorities with actually seeing me...which is ridiculous.

He then said it's not working..over etc

I did go on but I feel he pushed me to that point. I don't think my needs were unreasonable really.

Wanttobeonabeach - it’s hard today, but will get better, you did good here, but I think he will be back and it would just be a repeat. Hot and cold is the worst, it sends me nuts, now my daughter had one, but that ‘hope’ keeps her there. It is harder to see when you’re in it, but all I and her sisters see, is a selfish, controlling dick, who won’t make her happy, and increases her anxiety 😡 it is him, not you, whilst each of you are entitled to your own ways of how you want a relationship to be there are compromises, understanding, and definitely politeness - not paddies and my way or the high way. Hugs and be kind to yourself, but honestly he isn’t worth your headspace, and soon enough he won’t have it.

Eh who the eff doesn't equate seeing someone as a priority when DATING. Where's the actual dating happening if not in person. He sounds like the classic dismissive avoidant. Either way block is best.

@Wanttobeonabeach, so you ended things with him and he replies, has a rant about how needy and ridiculous you are and ends things with you!

My guess is, his nose was put out of joint that you took control and told him what was happening and he didn't like it because he thought he had you where he wanted!

The accusations of being needy and ridiculous are just designed to hurt you and make you question yourself and your behaviour. If he comes back, and I suspect he will, please remember that you've seen who he really is and don't engage with him! Actually ignoring him would probably be the most effective way to piss him off too.

Take care of yourself and one day you'll be thankful this has happened and set you free to meet a man who deserves you.

Exactly...I don't think it's unreasonable when dating to actually expect to see eachother. Not all the time but sometimes. I shouldn't have to explain that really. When I do and it gets thrown back in my face and dismissed I feel awful.

Well I'm going out with a friend today....going to try and keep busy.

I don't feel as bad as I thought at the moment, will probably happen later when I'm on my own ☹

Thank you for all your kindness and support x

@Wanttobeonabeach I really feel for you, I have been in the same position before. Sometimes it is easier to prolong the drama in order to delay the feeling of sadness that inevitably will come. Please take care of yourself, spend time with people who matter to you and heal.

I am feeling really down about it all today. The more I online date, the more I feel the lack of a partner in my life - when I am not dating, I am able to ignore that part of my life and it doesn’t hurt as much. Does anyone else feel this way?

Hello all! Need to have a big catch up on this thread. I'm still seeing the guy I met before lockdown. We are still not official and I'm feeling so lost as to what to do. I love seeing him, spending time with him and what we have when we are together. But he just doesn't seem to want to commit. I'm getting such mixed messages. We arnt seeing other people, and I don't understand why I feel the need to label this either. Argh

wanttobeonabeach You did the best thing otherwise he would continue to make you feel unbalanced and insecure. I am just really getting over Mr Dutchman myself - it's been three weeks of being really sad and down but it is going now and it will pass for you. Do as many nice things for yourself if you can - eat well and see friends and look after yourself. Ruralbliss your date sounds identical to my first date with the aforesaid Mr D - down to the car park kiss, being better looking than photos - driving an hour to see me, paying, smelling divine .... I really hope that this works out how you want it to - sending best vibes from France for you xx