Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@GondolaBing it's very personal. I waited 5 dates but it felt a bit rushed to me. I know other people like to get in a bit quicker to check physical compatibility. I'd happily have waited 8 dates...

@ZoZoBo

So wish there was a like button 👍

@zozobo

Thread hussy! or “die Dirne”

I did third date with MrCountry so does that make me classy?

Seems to be going well we spoke on the phone today - I’m not really good on the phone and probably cracked a couple too many “nervous awkward ASD jokes” that fell a bit flat. Hopefully that hasn’t put him off.

@crackofdoom have some water before bed or you’ll have a raging hangover

It is great to know that I am so memorable to previous irons. I was swiping on Bumble and thought sod it I am not paying so will just swipe right on everyone and then see if I want to message based on that. I know it is a bit mean to just un-match straight away but hopefully they won't have noticed. Mr Army from March has matched with me, either he was just swiping on everyone or I am just not that memorable.

i have had a bit of a shit day today, I applied for a seemingly really good job opportunity and was asked to schedule a phone interview for next week. The CEO sends me a message today to say that in the short term there isn't a salary or retainer but it is a great opportunity with the chance of equity in the company and a permanent position later. I sent a nice thanks but no thanks message as they basically want someone to build their online events platform up from nothing with no pay and then they will probably say thanks for doing that, there is the door. A good opportunity doesn't pay the bills. On top of that Mr Caribbean has again phoned twice today.

I currently have 0 irons or potential irons and 0 dates lined up. I wonder if most people are just waiting on the traffic light lockdown announcement tomorrow.

I'm currently sitting here having finished a bottle of wine 😳fingers twitching to message MrG. I can see he is online on the dating app. So I decided to add to this instead! This will be a big test for me, inhibitions lowered, really want to message him so he will reply then I can ignore HIM 😂 But I'm going though it in my mind about how bad I'm going to feel when he doesn't reply. So I'm trying to stay strong. Help lol

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Sending hugs ❤️

dancer sorry it’s been shit, I think half the countries in limbo so you’re not alone.

I did some (quite popular) blogging s few years ago and yeh the number of “can you work/promote me for free?” types you encounter is ridiculous. I think the technical mumsnet term is Cheeky F**er.

Are there any free online training courses you can do to fill your time up and advance your cv?

@belladonna123 and @bunkbedpeople
Thank you, I am sorry about the rant it has been one of those days.

You just reminded me of another skill I can put on my CV from a course I did in full lockdown. I have been put on the first shortlist for one I have applied for so I am waiting to hear back but the employer is notoriously slow for doing most things and you have to have lots of checks done. I know everyone in the events sector is feeling the frustration at the moment and applying for the few jobs that are being advertised.
I will have another look at online training courses to see if there are any I have missed.

Thank you for listening/reading to my ramblings

You’ll get something @Dancerinthemoonlight you’re clearly a determined and committed person

@GondolaBing i waited till date 3 whereas in the past have always waited a few months! There was a strong physical attraction with us from the start which I'd never felt before. It was inevitable.

Considering we are supposed to be socially distancing from people other than our own household......in theory we shouldn't be shagging at all!

And, to be fair, it's not just about how you feel about the rules and risk, it's about how they feel too. Adds another annoying "open and honest" conversation into the mix anyway.

So I think that really puts a different spin on things. Usually I'd try to get jiggy by date three or four, depending on circumstances. Now, it's looking likely to be more like me six or seven, or never if I feel they have not been taking the risk seriously (but I wouldn't click with someone like that anyway). I don't want to put other people at risk.

@NiceandCalm - hmmm, I don’t think she had time for another iron full time, but I do wonder if she might have had a date the week she stopped communicating. It turned out later that she hadn’t deleted dating app for the few months we were dating and so easy enough to activate yourself again if you have a bit of an interlude. We were about an hour away and so dates were once or twice a week at most.

To give a bit of context to my hot and cold story, I was first relationship to this particular iron after she separated from husband (which was maybe 6 months at that point) and pretty much first person she had a date with on app. So I think she hadn’t really processed the marriage breakdown and emotionally was all over the place. I had thought it might be a bad idea to get involved but had some fantasy of helping her through the divorce. It was a mess though, her husband wanted to reconcile for one. So wasn’t surprising she was blowing hot and cold with all that going on. But it was still upsetting as I’d got over-invested and we had really good chemistry and I thought a good emotional connection, despite the ups and downs. In the end I think she just wanted to go back to online dating and see what’s out there, which didn’t do a great deal for my self worth given his dismal it can be. Haven’t heard from her for a few weeks so maybe she did find someone else.

But anyway, @Wanttobeonabeach despite this background, other red flags and general impression that I was a rebound and it wouldn’t last I still felt really sad for a few weeks and only now getting mhh uh equilibrium back. You dodged a bullet with that guy. He sounds like my sisters boyfriend who has been behaving that way for 20 years. Hope you’re ok after it all.

After all this anyway I’m back on the carousel and have a date with someone quite sensible sounding next Monday. Possibly too sensible for me...

@DudefromThatLondon

That’s a really sound and mindful analysis of the whole situation -

though my experience as someone who is good at analysing is even if I do understand the dynamics it doesn’t stop it hurting!

hearing the emotional side from your point of view is also a good reminder that people on dating apps aren’t just “experiments” or “ways to explore and get over others” .

I’ve been guilty of “I need to get out more so I’ll accept this date” without thinking the other person had genuine emotions and might be taking me more seriously?

Hello
Just found this thread and need some advice. I have been casually seeing someone for a few months now. At the start we both had one other and agreed to be casual for as long as possible. My other has fizzled out and I would now like to be exclusive. He said he would need to think about that and I didn’t want an agonising wait so I just said let’s keep with casual as I really enjoy it. I hate him having the upper hand but I don’t have the confidence to shoot an ultimatum. Shall I just be patient and see how things develop? I have gone back on the dating app but my hearts not in it.

@Bangbangyouredead
You agreed casual so i dont understand whst the issue is with him still wanting casual.
He might be thinking you only want exclusive as he is your only one but when you had someone else you were happy with casual.

Its fine to change your mind but he clearly still only wants casual.
He doesnt have the upperhand, you asked him if he would consider exclusive and he clearly doesnt want to.

I think you need to think about why you suddenly wanted exclusive and why you wanted it?
Are you hoping it would still be casual but exclusive or did you want relationship exclusive?
The 2 are very different and maybe that is why he didnt answer straight away.

Obviously it’s a bit rich of me to ask for exclusive now that I only have one! I see his point. I want exclusive casual. Neither of us is looking for a relationship. But the terms were casual for as long as possible and then a relationship ie take things really slowly. I can’t help my feelings.

When were the terms set?
If it was casual as long as possible maybe he feels moving to a relationship is too soon or maybe he doesnt want to adhere to the terms still?

Can you speak to him about everything?

Sounds horrible dude hope you are okay and you will meet someone who appreciates you.

I've been itching to contact him but haven't done. If I did that it would be teaching him he can do as he pleases with no consequences.

If he gave a damn he would have listened to me and tried to make me feel slightly appreciated in the first place.

Definitely the hot and cold that's messed with my head, I can't live like that. I felt like I'd lost my mind for asking for basic kindness.

@SortingItOut
They were set beginning of September so not long. I’m happy to be strong and carry on as is...
I can’t speak to him again!

@Bangbangyouredead
Definitely not very long then, i doubt he thought 'casual as long as possible' meant 6 weeks!!!

I would distract yourself as much as possible and harden your heart otherwise you might get hurt.

@Bangbangyouredead

I agree with @SortingItOut -detach

If you’re seeing “casual” in terms of “getting the upper hand”/“staying strong” it’s not really casual on your part?

My gut feeling about casual is that although it’s easy to get it often isn’t easy to actually emotionally manage

it works for people who are exactly on the same page, not having many insecurities, genuinely wanting a few brief physical encounters and nothing more.

Either one person wants more or control/power games start being played , or it becomes an “am I good enough?” situation damaging self esteem or it reinforces negative self esteem.

or it becomes “benefits and no friends” - no mutual respect or kindness

@Bunkbedpeople
So what are you suggesting I do? We were on the same page and now we are not.

@wanttobeonabeach
I too was itching to contact MrG last night. I would love to say I didn't because I am strong but the truth is I didn't because I fell asleep 🙈I don't know this sudden no contact drives into crazy chick mode but it does! I am pathetically hoping he messages so I can ignore him. How fucked up is that. Feel like a weak woman when in fact I'm not. Just need to get this fucker out my system

@Bangbangyouredead

I’d personally send one very clear message (don’t make it about blame or having a go, just say how you feel) and that you respect his need for time but think it’s best to go on a contact break if he doesn’t want to be exclusive, as it’s important to you.

Then don’t message or sleep with him and start meeting others even if your hearts not in it.

@Bangbangyouredead you need to weigh up if this new dynamic works for you. You appear to want one thing and him another. He may come round to your way of thinking but equally he may be really happy with the way things are.
Are you willing to hang in there hoping he will change his mind because down that road lies madness as evidenced by a lot of us on here!
While you keep things going with him in a way that is not quite satisfactory for you (but he’s happy with) your heart will not be in looking around at all.
I personally would let this one go as once I think feelings are going to come into it I want to be exclusive and couldn’t do casual with multi dating involved.