Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

@Belladonna123 what happened with Mr G? Sounds like you are doing well.

I just keep thinking if I did get in touch the response would make me feel worse. I'm 95% sure. I feel bad enough already.

I want an apology from him and him to magically change but this WONT HAPPEN. It's still going to be the selfish person who doesn't give a damn about my feelings.

My friend says I should get back on the apps. I just cant yet.

Date 2 now set up with Mr VW for Wednesday night.

Slightly concerned about how recently he split with a long term ex.

Mind you I guess that's his business not mine. I was straight into OLD days after I split from my XH & have never once wished to have him back.

Trying to not think about him but it's not easy. Found myself seeing how my first name sounded with his surname ffs!
Hilarious. I am my own worst enemy.

Yeah it's not usually about wanting your ex- back but still being in the process of re-finding your equilibrium after a long term relationship ends. There's a real need for validation going hand in hand with not really knowing what you want that makes dating in such circumstances a perhaps ephemeral thing.

@wantobeonabeach
That's exactly how I feel. If I get no reply I will feel so much worse. You damn well should get an apology. And go for it. Get back on the horse so to speak lol. Even if its just to look.
MrG messaged me first. We spoke for a bit then it kinda stopped which at that point was fine. He got back in touch and we messaged loads. Felt such chemistry with this man. Which is worse than falling for him coz chemistry drives you crazy. We were going to meet up. Chatted first thing in the morning, last thing at night. At this point I'm really into him. And then nothing. I see he is still online the dating app. I have to make my hands do chores etc to stop myself from messaging him. I didn't even meet him yet through our chats I really liked him and thought it was mutual. It clearly wasn't. When I found this threat I could have cried with relief. I wish I had found it before I started using the dating app. I would have been more prepared. It's been a lifeline when I've been feeling down. It's so supportive and makes me feel less of an idiot lol

Hmm interesting reading about the dates and kissing thing ... I fall into the respectful non pushy camp. I don't want to go diving into something and overextend affections until I know someone quite well, even if I fancy them. I've learned that it's got to be something that grows rather than of the moment. I've had my fingers burnt early on in dating by doing the car park kiss and then finding that the dates that followed fell flat. I found it horrible to backtrack. So measure twice (or thrice), cut once. Like all dating, it's got to be about what you're both happy and consenting to explore, but so much goes unsaid on first dates and it's hardly the occasion for a pragmatic exploration of dating styles, so we just kind of fudge it, don't we ?

The thread comments about going for the snog made me think as I spent the night over at Miss T's midweek (but slept on the sofa). We made dinner together then stayed up late watching a movie and had a bit too much to drink. In retrospect I think she was trying the 'plying him with booze' approach someone up thread mentioned. It's all gone very quiet since then and I think, despite the 'just friends' thing, she feels upset because I didn't try it on with her. We've since made plans for next week but I have a feeling those won't happen now ...

haircareman she seems to be sending you very mixed signals - im not sure I could cope as wouldn't know whether coming or going and I very much like to know where I stand

*hairyarsedman

@HairyArsedMan I wish you could see your situation from an outsiders perspective

Me too @dancemom. @HairyArsedMan your posts are excellent, measured, well thought out and make so much sense. Yet it seems from the outside looking in that you are being messed with by your " friend ".
She doesn't appear to know what she wants, yet she knows what YOU want and is keeping you dangling it seems.
Come on, look at this from the outside, how does it seem ?

I actually disagree with going on the apps when your heart isn't in it. If your self esteem has already taken a bit of a battering and you're looking for something to plug the void I think it can make matters worse and also create mixed messages for others. Hurt people hurt people etc.

@Bangbangyouredead yeah this isnt a power struggle, you had an agreement and its fine that your feelings shifted but also fine if he needed to think about it. Afterall you're asking him to make a choice about another person he may have been seeing for longer? I dont recommend pretending its fine. That way lies madness as a pp said. Either let him decide (without waiting around for weeks!) Or cut it loose.

@Bunkbedpeople - yes I get that about using dating as a distraction and I’m somewhat guilty of doing that. In fact, I went on a couple of dates with a cool German a couple of weeks ago partly to get back out there. Regret it as i was feeling a bit out of sorts, finding it hard to connect and she was really nice. I don’t think I’d go on a date for the sake of it though.

@Wanttobeonabeach I’m ok thanks, a few weeks of no contact has made a difference. As for you now, it was (is) difficult not to text but I my case I didn’t as I wasn’t sure I’d get anything out of it. I can’t decide whether she she should get a free pass (ie stay in contact) because she’s finding her divorce tough or whether she’s really just not a reasonable person? I’d prefer to think of her as “would be ok in normal circumstances” but I on the other hand, the slow fade after 3 months of dating is quite shit. In your case it’s much more clear cut and he’s obviously a dick. You’d probably feel better for half an hour and then start to feel shit again. Rinse and repeat!

@clovertoast @dancemom I think I can blame myself for this to some degree (yes, I can hear the derision from here!). I've been candid about my (time) availability and I can see that while I was honest, it may have been seen as a subtle way of ruling myself out.

I don't feel messed with - it was just the comments on the thread about needing the bloke to step up and make a move made me wonder about the quietening down of comms after last week. But I'm speculating really - it could just be the natural course of friendship, moving more to in person than via SMS. Or it could be how things might go if either one of us met someone else where the feelings were romantic - that there would be some emotional distancing and reduced contact to respect each others space.

I think this is one of those where two decent people will balance things out eventually.

ps totally agree with @supercali77 - dating is not a solution to a tailspin. But sometimes we're not aware we're in one, especially when the previous relationship was nothing but a tailspin.

pps. I've been off the apps for a while now, and blimey I don't think I quite realised the addictive pull of them, particularly in these socially distant times. I failed to resist the temptation at one point and created a quick Tinder profile. The universe sent me a match that sent one message then ignored mine. With that cold dose of the reality my profile was deleted (happily) again !

Please just ignore me...🙂 I just need to write somewhere, no one has to read it or answer.

I've been crying loads today. Been re reading the messages in a calmer light. His last words were ' I can't have these conversations, I've had enough, I think we agree it's over'.

I still want to go fucking back...I just want him to want me like I want him but he wont. I feel bad for telling him I can't do this anymore, I started it definitely. Maybe I should have just accepted it, I've lost him now and it really hurts.

I've gone on enough on here...but I'd rather embarrass myself here than running back to him trying to make it right.

@wanttobeonabeach I am probably going to sound a little harsh so I apologise if I do.
There is nothing positive to be gained by going back over the messages and re-reading them. I think you should delete them as a step to moving on and building up your confidence again. You were in the right to end things with him because he didn't meet your needs and wasn't the person you thought he was. You were in love with the idea of him and what you could have had rather than the man who kept cancelling dates at the last minute and who didn't want to see you/spend time with you.
He gave you so much anxiety over the relationship and you were being emotionally exhausted from carrying the relationship and being the one who put all the effort in. He was thinking about him and you were thinking about him - who was thinking about you and looking out for your needs?
He has lost the chance to be with a wonderful kind and caring woman. You haven't lost anything.

I know that you will feel so much pain and sadness at the moment over what things could have been like but I promise you that the pain will fade. There will be a day where you smile just because and he doesn't cross your mind. That pain and sadness will fade and then disappear completely. Be kind to yourself and treat yourself how you deserve to be treated

Well said @Dancerinthemoonlight

@Wanttobeonabeach don't go shopping for stabs. I know it seems easier to pull the plaster off slowly and keep looking back but as dancer says, there's nothing to be gained there except more sticks to misguidedlybeat yourself with. Honestly, loads of us on the thread have done this one or more times. Delete the convo, then block him. It stops the mental chewing over and lets you move on.

Delete delete delete. They’re only words and they can mess with your mind. You don’t need reminding of what happened and its causes 💐

@supercali77
So I waited til about 5:30 before sending my position on this. It wasn’t fine and I was indeed going mad. I feel a lot better now. He is thinking and will get back. I’ve gone to no contact. We get on very well. Whatever happens I had a great time.
Re the apps, my self esteem has not been knocked so I will still be a normal date! I just don’t fancy anyone!

Nicely handled @Bangbangyouredead

Thank you dancer supercalli tigerdater yes he has lost someone that cared. I will be okay...no one sounds harsh. Really appreciate it x

It’s so so hard to finally turn your back on an iron and accept it’s over. But when they treat you badly it’s so important to let it go and save yourself the inevitable hardship when they let you down again.

I was ghosted by Mr BlueEyes after thinking we had something special going. I couldn’t block him or delete the messages and was guilty of rereading them so see what I did wrong
He reappeared after 3 weeks and of course I did the whole ‘what happened did I do something wrong was there someone else etc etc’ His response was he was just busy and I deserved better than him ...too right mate! But it was the final push I needed to see him for what he was and get over him.
Funnily enough I finally deleted all of his messages (had archived) last night after my lovely weekend with Mr German and he reappeared and messaged me again this morning - it’s like he knew!

This time it didn’t bother me at all - think that means I’m over it!

@Wanttobeonabeach
In time you will look back and know your were did the right thing. It all takes time. Keep busy distract yourself if possible and remember you are the prize.

What always bothered me wasn't someone 'liking' me but someone having the respect to be honest and do the right thing when you make your feelings known. So many seemed to pop in and out as though you were a service industry. Noone is