Dating Thread 194 - Dire men of the Internet

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Thread title in honour of of @crackofdoom from thread 193

Another one here trying to move on from a 'hot and cold' friend who I wanted to date. Met him a year ago but can count on one hand the number of times I've seen him in 2020. Seemed quite keen on me last autumn but has had 2 episodes of 'disappearing' and hasn't even opened my most recent message. A huge disappointment as we always got on very well when we did see each other and we have a lot in common.

Wanted to try speed dating again, but due to corona it probably won't happen until next spring at the earliest, so now dipping my toe into online dating. I have 2 matches on OKCupid so I'd better message them today!

Ha ha @Frenchlady14 yes as per Rule #4 'it's all BS until it happens'

I'm still dusting myself off after an unexpected ghosting in Aug after what seemed to be a mighty fine first date.

Learnt an important lesson of not getting ahead of myself and over invested.

Where did I read recently 'treat the ones you like like the ones you don't' which I took to mean not giving a jot about whether they message you, forgetting they exist between comms and having a full & rich life outside of dating.

Easier said than done.

I notice although this one (Mr VW) seems keen - tells me his not talking to anyone else, that he had a great time yesterday & video called me last night he's light on the flattery.

Now as someone who's been lovebombed by past narcissistic lovers & before I realised it was lovebombing it feels weird not to be bombarded by (false) flattery.

I'm getting on with all my projects and waiting to see if he suggests a second meet-up. I'm practically sitting in my hands not texting to suggest it myself.

Can I ask what the average number of dates before sex? I’ve been on 8 dates and only just starting holding hands. I’m pretty sure he does fancy me but this is the longest I’ve ever known for a man to wait for the first kiss!

Hi, can I ask for some advice as a woman who hasn't dated for decades really...

I went on tinder and have had 5 dates... 3 wanted to see me again but I decided I wasn't keen. One, neither keen...

And then last night after two weeks of chatting and getting a bit carried away online I met Mr Norfolk, and we had a lovely time and got a bit carried away in real life. We've said we'd like to see each other again and made a rough date..

My question is, what's the standard approach, do I keep going on first dates with others? Or not bother? Tbh I really like him so would rather wait around to see him again, but maybe that's not the done thing?

@Oopsiedaisyy

I know the feeling - it’s quite common to have “one” and then you’re like “why meet the drab ones”

There’s a few options really - I guess it also depends on how much time you have/if you’re enjoying meeting new people/if you’re just focussing on finding one special person?

I used to just immediately take down or hide my profile....

I took mine down after meeting MrCountry but that was independent of him - I was planning to take it down and have a break anyway?

with hindsight I think I might keep my profile up and not pay too much attention or too much energy, but also not COMPLETELY put my eggs on one basket after one date.

Is that an option? Keep your profile up, don’t spend a lot of time connecting with others but equally don’t completely assume things are going well with this guy.

Realistically it might take a few weeks from first chat to first date anyway so you can delay any meetings till you see what happens - chat is just chat, the guys you’re connecting with will be chatting to other women too

@GondolaBing

No one size fits all rule - it’s kind of between you and your date?

Maybe he doesn’t want to make a first move for fear of being labelled creepy or pushy.

Have you tried dates at home where you’re sitting with a drink on a sofa cuddled up, that kind of thing can often be the first step towards intimacy?

[quote thisoneday]@Wanttobeonabeach I really feel for you, I have been in the same position before. Sometimes it is easier to prolong the drama in order to delay the feeling of sadness that inevitably will come. Please take care of yourself, spend time with people who matter to you and heal.

I am feeling really down about it all today. The more I online date, the more I feel the lack of a partner in my life - when I am not dating, I am able to ignore that part of my life and it doesn’t hurt as much. Does anyone else feel this way?[/quote]
Sort of thisoneday, I install an app when feeling optimistic, find it impossible to swipe right on anyone, and eventually get frustrated with myself and cram the lonely feelings back in a box and put them on a nice high shelf to forget them for a while.

It is easier when I just don't think about it, but I do think that shutting feelings away is corrosive and is doing me no good at all really.

I've had a nice day out...just got back.

I feel an overwhelming urge to apologise to him for going on so much, I did lose my cool. I know I deserve better. I am in love with this man though and I'm so upset.

Sorry for being so pathetic ☹

@Oopsiedaisyy i personally preferred talking to one person at a time. So with my current partner, after one date, he said he wanted to see how things went with me and I agreed. If it didn't work out, I'd still do the same. I rarely like anyone so I just wouldn't be one to multi date

Thanks for the advice, I think if I did go on dates with anyone else I'd be wasting their time as I'm keen to see where things go with this one person

@Wanttobeonabeach

You are not pathetic at all.

Clearly he got under your skin a lot, even though he blew hot and cold those feelings are so familiar to you that you embraced them rather than seeing them as a red flag.
Was it love or was it lust?
Men who dont want us make us lust after them more especially if when blowing hot and cold the hot is amazing.

Do not contact him, do not apologise, you have done nothing wrong.

Are you hoping that by apologising he will change and suddenly be everything you want?
Of course he wont, it will just give him more leverage to treat you badly in the future.

You are worth so much more.

Can you do something this evening to distract yourself?

I'm just in on my own tonight...not good.

I feel like apologising as I didn't handle it in the best way, I just felt at breaking point though. I did go on too much.

He's said it's not working anyway now and agreed with me so I need to let it go. I just feel so unwanted and that I've been so nice to him up until then. I just want him to appreciate me and make an effort , he never will though ☹

I can see it's one sided though. I can't put myself through that anymore. I do feel a slight lift of anxiety, even though I'm upset.

It destroys you putting in all the effort.

@Oopsiedaisyy I can't be doing with multi dating.
It's so rare I meet anyone who meets my spec that I just go along with that. I don't have enough time or energy to spread myself then plus it's usually such a mutual relief to have found another as quirky as the other that we're both pleased to go exclusive from the get go.

@GondolaBing I'm one for getting in quickly with the physicals to check we're compatible and also because I'm impatient and sex-starved. I'm aware of the pitfalls as can do hormonal bonding with one that's not suitable but 8 dates?!? Not for me.
I'm more of a car park snog on first date, another second date (dinner) then usually date 3 or 4 is at theirs or mine. With both parties knowing a sleepover is happening due to distance and booze being planned.

There are no rules though abs you need to do what's best for you and your iron.

@Wanttobeonabeach
OLD is not for people with self esteem or confidence issues, you can be swept up or discarded at a moments notice and that is tough on anyone.

You can see yourself he couldnt give you what you want. Draw a line under it and thank the lord you noticed early on and didnt end up committing more to him.

I bet you didnt go on too much, i bet you just said what you wanted.
You are trying to think about it from his side, he probably did think you went on but that's irrelevant because you clearly felt you needed to say what you did.

Can you distract yourself with Netflix or a box set?

8 dates... And not even a kiss???

I'm usually a car park snogger, because if I'm not feeling it after that, it's goodbye. Sexual chemistry is very important to me.

Last night I spent all of dinner wanting to snog him, and went there and more. We had been quite open over chat about things we enjoyed and wanted to do with each other if we hit it off.

Yeah I will try and distract myself this evening.

I need to try and get myself together

@GondolaBing a work colleague of mine dated a girl from Tinder and hadn’t kissed her by date five. She demanded to know what was wrong with her as she really fancied him and he shyly admitted he was trying to be a gent as he really, really liked her. They are now engaged to be married and make a great couple .
Just give him a great big shove and see what happens!

GondolaBing 8 dates! Yes he may just be trying to be a gent and whatever works...
I absolutely need that car park kiss after the first date. I think every man I have ever gone out with I have kissed on the first date. I can wait another date or two before sex - but it's so important to fancy someone, and how can you really know if you haven't done the kissing?
God I miss kissing.... Maybe you need to do a Phoebe and just ask him if he's planning on kissing you, like, ever?

So yesterday and today spent painting and off the apps. Feels good to be on control

Question though my daughter who is single too said she couldnt see the point in dating at the moment as what can they do etc. Did make me think perhaps that's it. Officially 2m but up until now I hadn't thought about it. (Not that I have anyone to meet)

Thoughts??

@daisymat Basically I’m not complying with the rules

Had a lovely date last night with Mr German. I went to his and we had a takeaway and wine and talked for hours. Really got to know more about him and shared a lot with him about me. Cuddled on the couch watching a movie and great sex too And he cooked me breakfast this morning
I’m feeling a tad smitten he is just so straight and open - don’t feel any game playing with him at all. Won’t see him again for 2 weeks and it’s toooo long.
I’m still at the ‘waiting for it all to go wrong’ stage though 😍

zozobo that sounds amazing! I want a date just like that. I don't think anything is going to go wrong! Hopefully you can talk on the phone over the next 2 weeks.

gondolabing It's enshrined in the legislation that you have to have sex on the third date. Any earlier and you're a howling whore (unless we're talking about Fab, when it's the second "date"), any later and what, are you frigid or something?

(apologies. Drink has been taken, possibly to slight excess)

wanttobeonabeach

He came back having a bit of a go that I'm being overly ridiculous/ needy and he can't handle it and it's not working. I'm being too much etc and making me feel really stupid. Says it's over.

(snorts wine through nose). "You can't dump me, because.....because....I'm going to dump you MORE! So there!!"

@ZoZoBo

Sounds lovely.

I don't tell my children everything! So if it came to it assess the situation and go for it. But when I got home just say we went for a nice socially distant walk lol.

Just waiting for that opportunity!

@crackofdoom 😂 I’m a howling whore so 2nd date with the irons I’ve dtd with ...so funny.