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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

329 replies

Blueredlight · 16/09/2020 19:26

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now Hmm

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

OP posts:
MillyMollyFarmer · 16/09/2020 20:47

Please can you say whether or not you’ve spoken to him about it!?

cologne4711 · 16/09/2020 20:47

Oh cross post about covid.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2020 20:48

My dad once said about me : "she cramps my style, I don't want her to come" (to some family occasion)

I was 14/15. This is one example of many years of jealousy-driven emotional blackmail.

I am no contact with him now, and minimal contact with my mother. I judge her as much as I judge him for not removing me from that situation.

MillyMollyFarmer · 16/09/2020 20:49

If he’s abusive, and that’s why you don’t want to ask him to leave or discuss it, you need to contact a support service. Do you have friends or family you can go to?

FancyAnOlive · 16/09/2020 20:50

That's a really vile thing to say to a small child. OP he doesn't sound like a nice person at all. Would you LTB?

confusedandeatingcheese · 16/09/2020 20:52

That's fucked up emotional abuse. She's 4, he's an adult. She is acting her age, he is being an abusive twat.
If my DH EVER spoke to our 4yr old DD like that we would have a blazing almighty row. Two strikes and he would be out of this house.
LTB.

christinarossetti19 · 16/09/2020 20:52

No, it's not normal and yes it's typical of a narcissist.

You can't change him. The only thing you can do is to protect yourself and your children from his cruelty as much as possible.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 16/09/2020 20:52

That man has the emotional maturity of an amoeba.

But is is not your job to 'heal' him and his fragile ego. That's his job.
Protect your children.

Babysharksmom · 16/09/2020 20:54

He needs to apologise and explain. She's 4. She knows what he said is hurtful. If he continues that shit behaviour tell him start saving for her psychiatrists fees

HMSSophie · 16/09/2020 20:54

That would be game over for me. It will get worse as they grow up and push back more. Your DD will never know a fathers unconditional love. I'm sorry you aren't in a position to leave him but you are absolutely right to be making what plans you can to go. He's vile.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 16/09/2020 20:54

That’s such a bizarre reaction. My children (3 & 2) say this kind of stuff all the time to me and my husband. We just laugh.

QueSera · 16/09/2020 20:56

You can't even raise his emotional abuse of his tiny DD with him because he will become angry. I'm guessing he uses his anger against you, as a tool to intimidate and control you.
I don't think I need to say the obvious here OP.
I'm so glad you're planning to leave. Please do so as soon as possible. There is support for you, investigate benefits etc. Wiser MNers than me can advise how to do so. You need to stay safe during this time. He sounds nasty and volatile. Good luck OP, you and your DC deserve so much better - just being away from him would be a million times better.

Redwinestillfine · 16/09/2020 20:58

Has he not apologised to her op?

MrsPerfect12 · 16/09/2020 20:58

This is awful! My dad used to do this crap with me. When he started with my DD I went NC.

CuriousFluff · 16/09/2020 20:59

Kitchen table talk time at your house!

billy1966 · 16/09/2020 20:59

OP,

Awful behaviour.

He's a class A prick.

You know it too.

Take your time and make your plans.
Reach out for support.
That's all you can do.
Minimise their contact with him.
Hoard money if you can.

Just make what plans you can and make sure your contraception is sorted.

He is going to only get worse as she grows.

Wishing you strength.

You clearly have tge measure of him.
But he will do her emotional damage.

That is a seriously fxxked up response to a child's normal statement about either parent or their primary carer.

Flowers
confusedandeatingcheese · 16/09/2020 20:59

So you don't feel like you can defend and protect your children from this emotional abuse? You won't stand up to him incase he gets angry? Well let him be angry. Let your children see you defending them. If you are fearful he will hurt you or your children then that tells you everything you need to know. Kick him out. Leave with the kids. Whatever it takes to shield them. Another poster made a very good point- 50% of the time is better than 100%.
And by what you've said he wouldn't want to see them much anyway.
I'm so angry and upset for your daughter. Poor little thing- to have her faith and trust in her parents rocked by this man. It's really upset me actually.
OP please read all the replies carefully.

Superfoodie123 · 16/09/2020 21:01

Wow what a small man. I would never put up with that from my dh

colouringindoors · 16/09/2020 21:03

OP has said she's been thinking of leaving, isn't working, doesn't know how to get this person out of the house. She knows.

MillyMollyFarmer · 16/09/2020 21:03

I wanted to say again, if you don’t feel safe to discuss this or protect your children & have no support, would you like some organisations to contact for help?

creaturcomforts · 16/09/2020 21:03

OP this is really serious and what he said to her should not be swept under the carpet. Not spending time with them is one thing although not right of course, but that is a really damaging and spiteful thing to say to such a young child.

He wont change if he has that level of immaturity to understand how wrong this is and even if the relationship could be encouraged between them, I dont think that he will cope well with her.

What will he be like as she is older, in other situations where children start challenging their parents? Just no, I would consider your relationship with him, he sounds extremely emotionally immature, what do you think he woukd say if you challenged his behaviour? Woukd he apologise to your dd?

AdoptedBumpkin · 16/09/2020 21:05

Really horrid. I don't know what to say.

Mammyloveswine · 16/09/2020 21:05

Pathetic and he clearly had no understanding of small children,

What a nasty bastard

ButteryPuffin · 16/09/2020 21:05

Glad you're turning your thoughts to leaving. He sounds horrible, really self centred. He won't want 50/50; he might say he does for a while to try and hurt you, but I'm reality it would be too much drudgery for him. He only likes the glory moments. Find somewhere for you and the kids to go and reclaim a nice peaceful normal life for them.

SlightlyJaded · 16/09/2020 21:06

OP I think you know how awful this is. You are feeling stuck but you have to find the strength to force this. Either he has therapy (I don't think that will work FWIW but i might be wrong) or you have to split up.

How will he cope with a defiant teen? What will his reaction be when one of the DC tells him they 'hate him'? Because they will at some point....

He is cruel and abusive and he doesn't want a daughter, he wants a small 'thing' that will idolise him and revere him regardless of his behaviour. He doesn't see himself as a dad with faults, he sees himself as some kind of perfect deity to be worshiped and pandered to. I have met this exact man and I know how much worse it gets.

I'm sorry that you find yourself here. It's shit, because you need to find the momentum to do 'something' when you are already worn down and treading on egg shells, but you owe it to the DC AND yourself.