Would this bother you? Dh very ‘transactional’

[Blueredlight]

Dd (4) is very much devoted to me, it’s normal I think at 4, and dh doesn’t do much with her or spend that much time with her.

Tonight at bedtime he said I love you and she said ‘I love you but I love mummy more.’ His response was ‘I love you but I love your brother more, which is why he will get loads of Christmas presents and you won’t get any.’
Dd then started crying and he said ‘oh and your brother will get fifteen birthdays and you won’t get one at all.’
Then he went downstairs and left me with the wailing.
I’m sure she loves him loads more now

It’s not an isolated event.
It’s not a normal response, is it?

So he puts very little effort in with them, rarely putting himself out for them but then when they recognise that and ‘love you more’ he punishes them. If he wants equal love and respect from his kids he ought to be earning it- not trying to bully the kids into saying they love him out of fear. How is that healthy? He is also minimising the effort you put in and can’t even be happy for you that they would do something nice like make you a card!

Is he like this with you too? Is that why you don’t seem to see it as a big enough deal to have nipped his awful behaviour in the bud? You’re the kids’ mother and protector - please don’t accept this behaviour for your children, they are being conditioned into accepting it and know no different - you can show them it’s unacceptable.

LuluBellaBlue

When I was 8 years old I didn’t want to say goodnight to my dad as we’d had an argument earlier on so I turned my back on him in a strop. He never, ever, said goodnight, tried to kiss or hug me or any other way of showing affection again until I was 22

That's horrible, I'm so sorry you had to go through that!

I'm a habitual lurker, but had to comment on this one. What an asshole. Who says that to another human, let alone their own 4 Yr old person! 😭

This is hugely upsetting to read. You are under reacting. A lot. Surely the strength and volume of the replies tell you that.

You need counselling and he needs a parenting course.

Oh if I say anything directly to him he will be angry. He won’t listen to me.
It’s more part of a bigger picture that I’m kind of building up with a view to leaving - covid just makes it harder, much much harder.

Words fail me- he is a dreadful father. She will remember this. He is behaving like a four year old himself ...
He either changes this ways( unlikely) or you need to get rid in order to prevent the significant MH issues your DD will inevitably develop.

That's not transactional - that's cruel.

You & he should read King Lear together. Lear demands each of his daughters to say how much they love him, and rewards each of them with a part of his kingdom in proportion to how much they say they love him.

It doesn't end well.

Is transactional shorthand for acting like a twat ?

Ugh your description of your husband gives me the heebie jeebies - why are you with him? My daughter has said that to my DH before (she absolutely adores him and he is lovely to her, but she just spends more time with me because he works and I am a SAHM and, you know, she’s a child). I literally can’t imagine my DH reacting like that and don’t think I’d ever feel the same way about him again if he did. You say ‘he loves her’... does he?! It honestly doesn’t sound like it.

@Blueredlight - what would happen of you were blunt with him - “Dh - your treatment of our daughter is nothing short of abusive. If you do not change your ways, you will cause the break up of our family, and she will grow up hating you! If you want her unconditional love, you MUST love her unconditionally - that is basic parenting. Learn it or lose us.”

How awful. Did you know he was like this?

He purposefully said things that would hurt his 4-year old child. And when she started crying, he doubled down and took it even further.

If you don't leave this relationship, he will damage your children.

He is a manipulative prick who wants to blackmail your daughter into saying she loves him and is less mature than a 4 year old. Sounds delightful. Start saving for her therapy sessions

How does Covid make it harder? You’re making excuses, in the same way you’re minimising his abusive behaviour.

I would also love to know the profession he is in, where he believes he is the Dogs ?

Enough people have told you how wrong and cruel he was. And they've also told you his behaviour is very damaging. I think you get this now.

What I want to know is how 'transactional' is YOUR relationship with him? Must you do/say 'thus and so' to get him to agree to something you want or, worse yet, to simply treat you decently? Do you walk on eggshells to keep him sweet? Does he turn nasty or emotionally 'stingy' if he doesn't get his way?

There's more wrong here than just the way he treats your children, methinks.

Wow he’s a nasty person. What a horrible thing to say to a four year old.

Covid makes it harder because I don’t have a job. He won’t leave the house. I’ve nowhere to go. And getting a job now is going to be more difficult because if the children are in and out of school it’s not the best time to be starting a new job.

You seem strangely dispassionate about him being so cruel to your tiny child. Do you understand how damaging his behaviour is?

Sorry but that sounds like emotional abuse! Also the fact that he doesn’t spend much time with her raises the alarm.

Who the hell raises these boys to become such men

They don't, they are born like it and you can't change them. This is why women stay with men so long because they think they can change them.

I realised even as a child that I couldn't change my personality to be everything my mum wanted me to be; why do MNers think everything is down to poor "parenting"? If you have a lovely kind son, you are lucky, it's not down to you. Sorry.

Anyway, getting back to the subject of the thread, I bet the OP's DD will remember this incident for the rest of her life and it's very sad.

Why does covid make it more difficult to leave him, OP?

How spiteful and unreasonable. Children aren't idiots. They learn quickly which of their parents makes an effort with them and can be depended on emotionally.

My DS loves me more than DH. It might have something to do with the fact that DH works very long hours including some weekends so 90% of DS's awake time that he's not at nursery is spent with me. Also, I make much more effort to play with him and do activities than his dad. I'd like DH to spend more time than he does with DS (they enjoy the playground trips and walks they do just the two of them). But if DH ever said something as nasty that to DS, I'd be seriously considering if DS and I wouldn't be better off without him altogether.

Thats fucking horrible saying that to any child let alone his own daughter! My ds is 5 and he tells me sometimes im not his family if he is in a huff and i just laugh and say oh ds your stuck with me im afraid while laughing and he soon forgets his huff and gives me a cuddle. Never have i said anything like what your dh did thats just cruel

God this is awful. Do you even love this man that spends no time with his children and is horrible and impatient?

Why are you not more angry ? Transactional ? I call it abusive .