to be devastated I'm being called names...as an adult!

[mollysmysteries]

First time poster...long time lurker so please be gentle.

So the backstory is that I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are currently TTC after losing last year (late miscarriage). We live in partners hometown- We are both 29.

In the past two years, I have gone from 10 stone 9 to 12 stone 10- I'm 5ft5. I was a size 12/14 and now I'm closer to a 16. The weight gain has come from mainly my role becoming a WFH home role (before covid) and not exercising enough in the beginning. I have tried everything to lose weight, slimming world/ weight watchers, joint a virtual gym and was recently diagnosed with PCOS/Insulin Resistance through blood tests/scans. I'm now on Metformin and low carbing, exercising and I'm beginning to lose weight :)

The problem is DP's friends...and DP. Around June time I was sat in our living room, when messages from his chat came up through the games console on our tv (facebook). It was messages from DP's friends essentially making jokes about me..saying about him being busy this weekend with 'trotters' and likening me to a whale- harpooned came in there!. I was devastated and cried to DP, who apologised and said he would have a word with them. This is a group of 30 year old (some married men) and although I see them socially sometimes, DP sees them more.

Fast forward to this month, and DP leaves the laptop on the table as we are both WFH. He went out to make a call, and as I was on an important meeting i went over to silence his laptop as it was beeping incessantly. Once again, the same group chat, I very stupidly had a little scroll not very far up, and again there was comments about me, and a meme of a fat woman suffocating a skinny bloke. DP is slender.

This time, I confronted DP and he was furious- calling me a snoop, saying that it's just banter aimed at him, not me, and it's private and that he's told them once but its not his responsibility what other people do!. He then stormed off to his mums- who told him I was being ridiculous and ''should use it as an incentive'''!

I just feel so low and devastated. I'm trying so hard, and feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who wont even defend me! I've always liked DP's mum too, and although her comment was harsh, I don't know if she meant it harshly. Should i LTB? I've spoken to my family and they're furious, but are close-knit and protective anyways..

Any advice would be appreciated. We are okay now, and DP has apologised again, but I still feel slightly weird around him. Sorry for the long post!

The blunt reality is that he doesn’t have your back and that is enough to end this relationship over.

After all this time it should be second nature to him.

I know you are going to take this badly, but tough love matters. It wont do you any favours to be overweight while trying to conceive, your labour will be tougher, and your general health will be worse through it all. Please consider a bit of exercise and weight loss. I know fat shaming is cruel, but I want you to know that you don't have to be a size zero, just a sensible weight for your height. If your DH's friends are even slightly kind, then they will try to help, and if they don't, then you are better out of his gang.

I think these men are really quite sad that they make jokes about a woman's appearance. But the fact they are doing it about a friend's partner & in addition directly to him is quite ridiculous.

I think he should stick up for you - however in a way he's being humiliated with it too. They will pass it off as 'banter' and say he/you should take a joke.

I don't know if I could stay with someone who stayed with 'friends' like that.

Sorry you're going through this, you sound really nice.

I agree with everyone else. As the potential father of your child he should be your life partner who has your back. Unfortunately your partner doesn’t. Do you want really think he’s father material? Would he stick up for your child if necessary or not have the guts? If you can be brave and believe in yourself you will find someone who truly deserves you. Some hard decisions to make, good luck xx

@xingming - what part of the OP's post made you think she was asking for or needed advice about whether or not she should lose weight?

You are pathetic.

xingming wow that's really helpful!

It wont do you any favours to be overweight while trying to conceive, your labour will be tougher, and your general health will be worse through it all. Please consider a bit of exercise and weight loss.

You're not being kind either. I think the OP knows she needs to lose weight. I don't think you need to point those things out to her.

Regardless of whether you like it or not @AlexanderHalexander, there is a link between weight and health, and never more than during conception and pregnancy. I also think the OP's partner is failing her, bigtime, but it's her body and health, and that is her responsibility.

How really helpful is it for an anonymous forum to connive at telling the OP she's fine as she is? I thought/hoped my post would be supportive in helping her take the steps necessary to make a fresh start to the life she wants. I am not being unkind here.

That so called apology you were sent is bullshit. Instead of taking responsibility for being cruel they’re suggesting it’s up to you to laugh about them mocking you instead of having hurt feelings. Total bullies. I’d have nothing more to do with any of them, including your boyfriend.

I would not be wasting my life with a man who would see me ridiculed, belittled and bullied and stand for it.

This is awful OP. I would be absolutely devastated, and I hope you can find the courage to leave this disrespectful mummy's boy where he belongs, in your past.

In the meantime, find something he is sensitive about, joke and poke fun about it online with your friends (does he have a small willy?) and purposely leave your phone/laptop where he will be able to view the messages. Childish I know, but then so is he!

A partnership means being a team and having each other’s backs. Someone who can’t even tell his own friends to wind their necks in isn’t the person you want by your side as you weather life’s storms.

Regardless of whether you like it or not @xingming giving sanctimonious advice to other people about their weight when they have asked for advice on a different issue is at best very poor manners, at worst horrible.

I imagine when you were growing up in the 60s/70s womens bodies were fair game for criticism under a 'only for your health' umbrella. Fortunately things have moved on.

Grow up.

Oh I'd screenshot it all and send it to his place of work in a public tweet and ask what kind of people they have representing them on social media. But then, I'm spiteful like that.

Firstly @XingMing was that really necessary? OBVIOUSLY his friends won't help, it's quite clear in their behaviour they are not kind in the slightest. OP has already also stated she is dieting, getting help with her health and exercising she does not need to be told!

Secondly, dump his ass.
It's easier to stay with someone because you're comfortable where you are in the sense of it's your "normal". You will fear packing your bags and starting over, but you will feel so much better for it. Your DP should be encouraging you and going on this journey with you, he should have your back, not let you be the butt of the joke.
If you could sit and make fun of your DP to your friends, about his appearance - wouldn't you question whether you love them or not?
That's what I would question about DP. Defending you should come naturally and mummy's boys are not fun in the slightest.

I hope you do what you believe is best for you! and wouldn't even bother leaving a note. But i like the previous idea of sending those screenshots etc to the friends gf's

there is a link between weight and health, and never more than during conception and pregnancy
How incredibly patronising. OP is an adult and I'm 100% sure she doesn't need this spelling out by you. Do you think people gain weight because they are just so very stupid that they don't understand that being overweight can cause health problems? Seriously?

I also think the OP's partner is failing her, bigtime, but it's her body and health, and that is her responsibility.
So are you saying that OP deserves to be treated so disrespectfully because she's overweight? That it's her responsibility to lose weight in order to avoid these comments? If that's not what you're saying then your comment is completely irrelevant isn't it? OP's health is her business and nothing to do with her partner's friends whatsoever, and certainly isn't a reason for them to bully her.

Sorry to hear this OP.

Your partners friends do not respect your partner or you. This is the behaviour of uneducated children.

Why your partner wants to be friends with them only god knows.

I couldn’t live like that and would want to have a child with a man who can stand up for himself and me. Children bring extra pressure in a relationship...many relationships fall apart even if the foundations are solid when a child is born.

This is not good for your emotional wellbeing. Stop TTC, if the issue cannot be resolved then walk away with your head held high and don’t look back. Remember you are wonderful and deserve respect. A partner should make you feel good otherwise what’s the point....

DO NOT have a child with this man
Pack his bags and get rid he sounds horrible
He has no respect for you and his mother sounds a piece of work too.

There are lots of lovely people out there you don't need him x

@XingMing, silly comment.

Difficult one I know. Your DP sounds like the junior member of the in crowd and he doesn't want to upset them and risk being kicked out of their gang! They sound exceptionally nasty and your DP just seems unable to stand up to them. He either grows up and offloads these people, or you split up. I can understand how he wants to keep in with them, but this is not doing his self esteem any good anyway, despite him thinking he is doing great to be part of this clique. Hence his head in the sand attitude.

He sounds weak. So he can't tell his friends to stop disparaging you? And his mummy fights his battles for him? Christ, my ovaries would shrivel up at his touch.

I think you're doing the right thing in leaving him.

My oh would never dream of letting his friends make any comments about me like that so disrespectful your oh needs to grow a backbone he clearly doesn't deserve you

You are all (clearly) much younger than me. You all know so much more than me, so I shall bow out.

He's happy to confront you and call you names but won't confront his friends
He's disloyal and is more concerned about playing along with his mates than being a decent human.

He sounds weak, disloyal untrustworthy and insecure. Anything for an easy life.

I'd immediately lose any respect for him and that would be a death knell for the relationship.

Op I’m a similar size to you. I’m 5’5 and went up to 12st 5 during lockdown (finally getting back down again)
There is no way would my husband allow his friends to talk about me in that way. He’s a disgrace and I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t have my back.
Sending you lots of love op xx