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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to be devastated I'm being called names...as an adult!

307 replies

mollysmysteries · 15/09/2020 16:36

First time poster...long time lurker so please be gentle.

So the backstory is that I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are currently TTC after losing last year (late miscarriage). We live in partners hometown- We are both 29.

In the past two years, I have gone from 10 stone 9 to 12 stone 10- I'm 5ft5. I was a size 12/14 and now I'm closer to a 16. The weight gain has come from mainly my role becoming a WFH home role (before covid) and not exercising enough in the beginning. I have tried everything to lose weight, slimming world/ weight watchers, joint a virtual gym and was recently diagnosed with PCOS/Insulin Resistance through blood tests/scans. I'm now on Metformin and low carbing, exercising and I'm beginning to lose weight :)

The problem is DP's friends...and DP. Around June time I was sat in our living room, when messages from his chat came up through the games console on our tv (facebook). It was messages from DP's friends essentially making jokes about me..saying about him being busy this weekend with 'trotters' and likening me to a whale- harpooned came in there!. I was devastated and cried to DP, who apologised and said he would have a word with them. This is a group of 30 year old (some married men) and although I see them socially sometimes, DP sees them more.

Fast forward to this month, and DP leaves the laptop on the table as we are both WFH. He went out to make a call, and as I was on an important meeting i went over to silence his laptop as it was beeping incessantly. Once again, the same group chat, I very stupidly had a little scroll not very far up, and again there was comments about me, and a meme of a fat woman suffocating a skinny bloke. DP is slender.

This time, I confronted DP and he was furious- calling me a snoop, saying that it's just banter aimed at him, not me, and it's private and that he's told them once but its not his responsibility what other people do!. He then stormed off to his mums- who told him I was being ridiculous and ''should use it as an incentive'''!

I just feel so low and devastated. I'm trying so hard, and feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who wont even defend me! I've always liked DP's mum too, and although her comment was harsh, I don't know if she meant it harshly. Should i LTB? I've spoken to my family and they're furious, but are close-knit and protective anyways..

Any advice would be appreciated. We are okay now, and DP has apologised again, but I still feel slightly weird around him. Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 15/09/2020 19:22

He's far too immature to be a father, and the crying to his mother does not bode well for the future- I can only imagine the stress she could cause you by interfering.

I think waiting for him to grow a spine and some balls is a fruitless task. He would make a very mediocre husband and father.

I'm really sorry for the loss of your baby too- that makes the cruel comments so much worse. He should be defending you, not sniggering with his mates.

Tonkerbea · 15/09/2020 19:22

The vindictive part of me would want to out their despicable jibes and racism on SM and let them feel as awful as they made you feel (not saying you should do it!)

This makes me think that some school bullies don't mature and change their ways, they just get older and find new victims.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 15/09/2020 19:25

Oh, yes, the 'apology' is a gaslight, it's your fault you were 'offended'.

CrazyToast · 15/09/2020 19:26

This is terrible! He got angry with you? Where is his anger to them? Never in a million years is this ok. You have to leave him, he is not good enough for you and won't be there for you through your life.

MilerVino · 15/09/2020 19:27

I just want to point out also that- one of the friends has an indian girlfriend and I saw several severely racist comments on there as well aimed at her- so I think anyone is a target. I did not see anything racist from DP, but the whole thing is just vile and I cannot condone it how he has.

His friends are racist misogynists. His friends. I'd dump him for that. But I also agree with PP - he's a mummy's boy and he's not defending you. All reasons to run for the hills.

BlueThistles · 15/09/2020 19:29

I would drop kick his arse out my 12 stone life OP, honestly life is too darned short to be abused by one's partner AND his mates. You know you deserve much better and there is better out there. 🌺

Feedingthebirds1 · 15/09/2020 19:30

I'm really confused. The exact same details were posted before, definitely. Couldn't be just a 'similar' situation, the interaction with the guys was the same, same awful insults...

Maybe the OP posted in June after the first incident, thought it had been sorted, and has now found out it wasn't. So she's posted the up to date situation with the back story for context. It avoids all those 'is this the first time he's done it' posts.

Littleposh · 15/09/2020 19:31

I presume it was him that told you what his mother said?? If so, then yes, he needs to go

Feedingthebirds1 · 15/09/2020 19:32

Maybe the OP posted in June after the first incident, thought it had been sorted, and has now found out it wasn't. So she's posted the up to date situation with the back story for context. It avoids all those 'is this the first time he's done it' posts.

Actually, cancel that comment. I've just remembered that she's said she hasn't posted about it before. Blush

IWantT0BreakFree · 15/09/2020 19:32

This is not the man you marry. And definitely 100% categorically NOT the man you have children with. This is the guy you date for a few weeks in your late teens/early twenties before you realise he's a loser and get rid of him. Don't waste a second longer on this useless, spineless article.

He's a very weak man and that's one of the worst traits in a partner. He might be "lovely" when you're alone (and he's not WhatsApping his mates) but the minute there's any kind of situation that requires him to have your back, he's too cowardly and feeble. He prioritises the acceptance of a group of overgrown schoolboys over being loyal to his partner. It's more important to him that "the lads" think he's up for a laugh, than it is for him to be respectful of you and to demand that his friends are respectful of you at the most basic of levels. If nothing else, isn't this just so pathetic and desperate that the thought of sex with him just makes you gag? I can't think of anything less sexy than a man this wet.

I think most people with children would tell you that having a family holds a magnifying glass up to a relationship. Everything is laid bare. If you're feeling unsupported, undervalued, disrespected etc now, it's really nothing compared to how you're going to feel when you're trying to raise a human being with this man. Do you want someone so spineless and so misogynistic to be your child's other parent? How will you prevent him from modelling this behaviour to your children? Because misogynists don't take a day off and I guarantee there are other ways that his bigotry leaks out. I mean, he has told you that he considers the "banter" to be a joke at his expense, which can only be the case if he believes you are his property in some way.

Honestly, don't waste any more time.

puguin86 · 15/09/2020 19:33

Hi OP. This happened to me. With DP and his group of friends. I put up with this bullshit for two fucking years. Then one day it clicked and I asked him whether he would accept their behaviour if it was about any future child we had

I asked whether he would just let them take the piss out of our potential child. He was horrified ... no of course not he never would blah. Blah blah .

I asked him to leave I said I didn't believe him based on past experience and the way his friends treated me and spoke to me like I was shit

The penny finally dropped after a few days and he ended the friendship

lowlandLucky · 15/09/2020 19:34

Fast forward 15 or so years and you have a Daughter who is a bit overweight, what is her Father going to call her, how much damage will you allow him to cause her ?

EarringsandLipstick · 15/09/2020 19:35

@Feedingthebirds1

I'm really confused. The exact same details were posted before, definitely. Couldn't be just a 'similar' situation, the interaction with the guys was the same, same awful insults...

Maybe the OP posted in June after the first incident, thought it had been sorted, and has now found out it wasn't. So she's posted the up to date situation with the back story for context. It avoids all those 'is this the first time he's done it' posts.

That's what I thought too, but OP says she didn't post before.
EarringsandLipstick · 15/09/2020 19:35

@Feedingthebirds1

Maybe the OP posted in June after the first incident, thought it had been sorted, and has now found out it wasn't. So she's posted the up to date situation with the back story for context. It avoids all those 'is this the first time he's done it' posts.

Actually, cancel that comment. I've just remembered that she's said she hasn't posted about it before. Blush

Sorry I am doing so many cross-posts this evening, ignore me too.
Original poster
mollysmysteries · 15/09/2020 19:37

@Feedingthebirds1

Maybe the OP posted in June after the first incident, thought it had been sorted, and has now found out it wasn't. So she's posted the up to date situation with the back story for context. It avoids all those 'is this the first time he's done it' posts.

Actually, cancel that comment. I've just remembered that she's said she hasn't posted about it before. Blush

Yeah there's a lot of different posts on here about similar situations- I've posted screenshots- I'm not a troll honest haha!- kinda wish I was though would save the embarrassment of being in the situation in the first place!
OP posts:
Blondiney · 15/09/2020 19:37

What fucking arseholes! You deserve better than an immature prick like that, sorry. Flowers

Original poster
mollysmysteries · 15/09/2020 19:38

@puguin86

Hi OP. This happened to me. With DP and his group of friends. I put up with this bullshit for two fucking years. Then one day it clicked and I asked him whether he would accept their behaviour if it was about any future child we had

I asked whether he would just let them take the piss out of our potential child. He was horrified ... no of course not he never would blah. Blah blah .

I asked him to leave I said I didn't believe him based on past experience and the way his friends treated me and spoke to me like I was shit

The penny finally dropped after a few days and he ended the friendship

Its unbelievable how many times this has happened to different people, just horrifying really and goes to show that you cannot trust anyone :(
OP posts:
aspoonfulofyourownmedicine · 15/09/2020 19:40

I hope you don't stay with him after this OP. FWIW - my DH had 'friends' like this, who, like PP, would ignore me in a group, snidely tell him that he shouldn't be with me because I wasn't 'right' for him. If he wanted to stay at mine with me rather than go out on the piss with them, they called me all sorts and every time, my DH shut them down and told them it wasn't on and I deserved an apology. I never got an apology, they didn't turn up to our wedding and my husband ended a 10 year friendship just like that. They are 'civil' when they see each other, however, my DH will never forgive them for the way they behaved about me. I never did get an apology for the way they spoke about me and I doubt I will now. We've been together 17 years and married for 13 now and I'm glad he ditched them back then. They were a married couple as well, and the wife was the worst one, so it's not even just 'lads'.

I hope you can get to your mums and he's left licking his wounds.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 15/09/2020 19:40

The fact that your thread title refers to you being called names as an adult makes me think that you were also called unkind names as a child.

When a child is bullied and called names in school they are powerless but you aren’t powerless anymore. You can and should stick to your guns and walk away from this spineless man and his crass cronies.

I’m also willing to bet that the men making unkind comments about a relatively small weight gain (particularly considering a recent miscarriage and lockdown) are far from athletic and perfect themselves. Confident men don’t need to insult other people to boost their own low self esteem.

Heartlake · 15/09/2020 19:42

His response should have been 'F**k off Barry, don't you dare speak about Molly like that - I'm logging off now'. Then he should have come and told you what a bunch of immature idiots his mates are.

As PPs have said, having a child magnifies everything. Is he committed to marrying you? Would he really put you first? If you don't know the answer already, this is what you need to think about.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 15/09/2020 19:46

Don’t think you can’t trust any man @mollysmysteries. There are lots of good men out there. I’ve been with my DH for over 33 years and he’s never insulted my appearance or gone running home to his mammy. Nor have I ever heard any of his mates do anything similar or spotted anything unkind on SM.

Once the dust has settled on all this it might be worth getting some counselling. Low self esteem and previous experience of bullying can often lead to people unconsciously picking partners who will also bully and undervalue them. Some counselling might help you stop picking someone similar in the future. Or perhaps someone here could recommend some reading for you?

Porridgeoat · 15/09/2020 19:46

I’m sorry you got offended is not an apology. Its him not taking responsibility for his lack of balls

PicsInRed · 15/09/2020 19:58

Men who openly make fun of each others' partners like that hate all women.

FippertyGibbett · 15/09/2020 19:58

It seems he is more concerned about hurting his friends, than of them hurting you.
Only you can decide if you want to continue with this man.

Shoxfordian · 15/09/2020 19:59

Are you dumping him? He's not a good guy