to be devastated I'm being called names...as an adult!

[mollysmysteries]

First time poster...long time lurker so please be gentle.

So the backstory is that I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are currently TTC after losing last year (late miscarriage). We live in partners hometown- We are both 29.

In the past two years, I have gone from 10 stone 9 to 12 stone 10- I'm 5ft5. I was a size 12/14 and now I'm closer to a 16. The weight gain has come from mainly my role becoming a WFH home role (before covid) and not exercising enough in the beginning. I have tried everything to lose weight, slimming world/ weight watchers, joint a virtual gym and was recently diagnosed with PCOS/Insulin Resistance through blood tests/scans. I'm now on Metformin and low carbing, exercising and I'm beginning to lose weight :)

The problem is DP's friends...and DP. Around June time I was sat in our living room, when messages from his chat came up through the games console on our tv (facebook). It was messages from DP's friends essentially making jokes about me..saying about him being busy this weekend with 'trotters' and likening me to a whale- harpooned came in there!. I was devastated and cried to DP, who apologised and said he would have a word with them. This is a group of 30 year old (some married men) and although I see them socially sometimes, DP sees them more.

Fast forward to this month, and DP leaves the laptop on the table as we are both WFH. He went out to make a call, and as I was on an important meeting i went over to silence his laptop as it was beeping incessantly. Once again, the same group chat, I very stupidly had a little scroll not very far up, and again there was comments about me, and a meme of a fat woman suffocating a skinny bloke. DP is slender.

This time, I confronted DP and he was furious- calling me a snoop, saying that it's just banter aimed at him, not me, and it's private and that he's told them once but its not his responsibility what other people do!. He then stormed off to his mums- who told him I was being ridiculous and ''should use it as an incentive'''!

I just feel so low and devastated. I'm trying so hard, and feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who wont even defend me! I've always liked DP's mum too, and although her comment was harsh, I don't know if she meant it harshly. Should i LTB? I've spoken to my family and they're furious, but are close-knit and protective anyways..

Any advice would be appreciated. We are okay now, and DP has apologised again, but I still feel slightly weird around him. Sorry for the long post!

That man and his friends are a bunch of cunts.

I am so glad to read you have left him. You deserve, and will meet, a man better than someone who has never matured beyond the age of 13.

Well done for being so strong and resolute OP. The company your ex keeps is a measure of who he is.
You will find better and you deserve it. You’ll get your baby one day, but he isn’t the right person to be their Dad.

Hi OP. I rarely post.

I work in a very male dominated industry. Have done all my life. I’ve never heard of any of my mates making fun, in any way, any wife or partner. Never. It would be totally unacceptable and shocking. If any offence was caused, for any reason a genuine apology would be made (without any qualification).

The equivalent scenario would include one of the partners getting a stroke and everyone calling her "slack face". Or someone having mental health issues and saying she’s "mental". Etc "if you’re offended..." is bullshit. Your partner needed to grow a pair and tell them to stfu. He didn’t.

You’ve done the right thing. Now that you’ve left, you might want to consider managing the messaging associated with why you’ve left if you have a cross over of friends. All the best,, OP :)

Good for you op. Good luck

Good on you op for leaving. The thing is you will lose the weight but they will still be immature misogynistic racist losers who will never change.

Well done on getting rid.

I really think their non apologies are even worse. It wasn’t a joke said to your face but behind your back, they were being nasty, end of. The ‘take a joke’ and ‘it’s only banter‘ types are Really just bullies. I am really glad you left him. I agree with the poster who said she hadn’t heard this behaviour in a male dominated environment. It’s not normal.

You can be whatever weight you want to be, it’s your life.
Good luck and I hope you get the family you deserve very soon 💐

He hasn't spoken to them, because he doesn't care enough to do so. Same with his mum.

If he did, he would have shut them down right there and then, the first time HE saw it (which probably isn't the first time YOU saw it, unfortunately)

It isn't banter, it's hurtful and bullying.

OP this is great news! You will feel such great benefits emotionally. Focus on yourself and what makes you happy ;).

NHS website has a good section called moodzone if you need emotional support e.g Talking Therapies etc and also has everyday wellbeing advice.

Regarding your weight take one day at a time and I wish you luck. I found Joe wicks classes helpful with my mental health too.

Remember your fabulous...the only way is up!

Xxx

Well done @mollysmysteries

@XingMing. - the detail in Molly’s opening post makes it very clear that she is fully aware of how overweight she is and why she has gained this weight. It clearly details the steps she has taken to lose the weight and the fact that she is currently losing it in a healthy and controlled way. Your advice (regardless of your age) is both patronising and redundant.

You seem more concerned about promoting your healthy weight message than listening to the views of other or being kind or supportive to a young woman in crisis.

@Aquamarine1029

Think about it...

He is remaining friends with people who deride and humiliate you. This is a man you want to have children with?

This ^^. If he can’t stick up for you he won’t stick up for your kids. Please stop TTC and have a think about whether you would want a future with this man. Flip it on his head, if you had a daughter whose boyfriend was treating her his way, would you want her to stay with him? He sounds like an unsupportive partner and not want I would want a future with, let alone a family. Sending you hugs

Don't ever look back. He is an appalling example of a partner. So glad you have left him. In doing so you showed yourself, him and everyone that you have respect for yourself. Well done

Well done, you've done the right thing.

Just a note on your tenancy though - contact the landlord now and have yourself taken off the lease agreement after the six month fixed term is up, otherwise it may turn into a rolling monthly contract with your name still on it.

No one makes unkind jokes about their friend's partner unless given a very clear signal that such a mean joke would be welcome - like the friend making unkind comments himself about his partner

This is spot on

I think you're better without him and his ridiculous friends.
The classic 'it's a joke' - no it's not and I'm afraid the fact they haven't stopped makes me think he's 'joking' along with them.
Your Mum sounds great.

Xingming at the very least educate yourself on the horrible effects of PCOS. The inbalence of hormones actually make you put on weight which is very hard to control with diet or excercise

It's a horrible merry go round when you throw infertility into the equation

welll done. However I would also send the screen shots to the civil service. Why people think it is ok to be racist etc in private is beyond me as there is no such thing as privacy any more and the civil service especially will take a very dim view. By saying it is private they effectively mean 'this is what I think and I have learned not to say it where it matter'. Send it where it matters.

Im glad you have left OP 🌺

Oh, well done, Op. Very well done! You've just lost approx 11 stone in dead useless weight.

Dump that boy. I'm chunky and if my bloke was taking the piss out of me like that I'd leave that looser. Screen shot the coco and send it to their wives gf's mothers. They are wrong not you. Oh and call his mum and call her out. If people were doing that to her she wouldn't like it.

Huge well done on being so resolute OP. Your new, happier life starts here.

Make sure if you do have to be in contact with him re flat etc, that he understands you've left him not just because "of his friends" but because he was too weak to stand up for you. Weak just sums him up.

I do also quite like the idea of sending screenshots to their work and girlfriends so they can see what they are really like.

@XingMing I hope the door slams your skinny, judgemental, patronising, tone deaf, and completely unnecessary arse on the way out. You can add illiterate to that list as you must not have been able to read the part where the OP has PCOS and is currently losing weight. Bye.

Well done OP! He needs to realise that this is not normal behaviour for grown adults!

@Shakirasma

Your Partner is a horrible shit and you deserve better. He has proven to you that he doesn't have your back, and that should be the bare basic expectation in a loving relationship.

this. Don't have a child with this loser