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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to be devastated I'm being called names...as an adult!

307 replies

mollysmysteries · 15/09/2020 16:36

First time poster...long time lurker so please be gentle.

So the backstory is that I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are currently TTC after losing last year (late miscarriage). We live in partners hometown- We are both 29.

In the past two years, I have gone from 10 stone 9 to 12 stone 10- I'm 5ft5. I was a size 12/14 and now I'm closer to a 16. The weight gain has come from mainly my role becoming a WFH home role (before covid) and not exercising enough in the beginning. I have tried everything to lose weight, slimming world/ weight watchers, joint a virtual gym and was recently diagnosed with PCOS/Insulin Resistance through blood tests/scans. I'm now on Metformin and low carbing, exercising and I'm beginning to lose weight :)

The problem is DP's friends...and DP. Around June time I was sat in our living room, when messages from his chat came up through the games console on our tv (facebook). It was messages from DP's friends essentially making jokes about me..saying about him being busy this weekend with 'trotters' and likening me to a whale- harpooned came in there!. I was devastated and cried to DP, who apologised and said he would have a word with them. This is a group of 30 year old (some married men) and although I see them socially sometimes, DP sees them more.

Fast forward to this month, and DP leaves the laptop on the table as we are both WFH. He went out to make a call, and as I was on an important meeting i went over to silence his laptop as it was beeping incessantly. Once again, the same group chat, I very stupidly had a little scroll not very far up, and again there was comments about me, and a meme of a fat woman suffocating a skinny bloke. DP is slender.

This time, I confronted DP and he was furious- calling me a snoop, saying that it's just banter aimed at him, not me, and it's private and that he's told them once but its not his responsibility what other people do!. He then stormed off to his mums- who told him I was being ridiculous and ''should use it as an incentive'''!

I just feel so low and devastated. I'm trying so hard, and feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who wont even defend me! I've always liked DP's mum too, and although her comment was harsh, I don't know if she meant it harshly. Should i LTB? I've spoken to my family and they're furious, but are close-knit and protective anyways..

Any advice would be appreciated. We are okay now, and DP has apologised again, but I still feel slightly weird around him. Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
edwinbear · 15/09/2020 16:54

I'd not want to be in a relationship with someone who thought it was OK to mock anyone like that, let alone their partner.

BabetteAteOtemeal · 15/09/2020 16:57

Wow OP i would be so so hurt if my DP was speaking about me like this, or letting others say such things without defending me.

Think: would you say any of these things about a friend? Of course you wouldn't! Your DP should be on your side.

My weight has fluctuated whilst I've been with my DP. If I've ever been upset about it he hasn't ever lied to me but hes supported and encouraged me to be healthier, but only ever if I've asked him to.

Honestly, LTB.

BuffaloCauliflower · 15/09/2020 16:57

He’s not on your team. It says a lot that his friends would say something like this even once and think they’d get away with it, the fact it’s multiple times (and I guarantee there will be more of this that you don’t know about) says even more. You deserve better than a man who won’t stand up for you, or that would keep these kind of men as friends after such nasty comments.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 15/09/2020 16:57

@mollysmysteries

Surprisingly, he's very attentive, loving and kind usually. cooks dinner, offers support and tells me I look nice everyday etc. I think he's a bit immature still in his mannerisms sometimes though and his mum has always been a bit smothering towards him.
If there was one thing I could tell my younger self (I'm in my 50s now), it would be to immediately ditch any momma's boys. Don't even go there and foster feelings for one.

Would never have children with one, sorry.

Happynow001 · 15/09/2020 17:00

@mollysmysteries

Yeah, he's shite at confrontation of any sorts really

Except with you - the person he's supposed to cherish, with whom he's trying to have a baby...

This time, I confronted DP and he was furious- calling me a snoop, saying that it's just banter aimed at him, not me, and it's private and that he's told them once but its not his responsibility what other people do!.

IF he'd really confronted these immature "friends" and told them absolutely to knock off the cruel and stupid "jokes" and name calling maybe they'd they'd have stopped. I wonder, though, what he gets from these friendships.

And does he often run to his mummy when you call him out on something? 🌹

Pixilicious · 15/09/2020 17:00

Absolutely no way would I be staying with him. he has shown you who he is, listen to it. He doesn't have your back. I think you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep and your DP is friends with misogynistic immature spiteful arseholes - what does that say about him??

Isitsixoclockalready · 15/09/2020 17:01

That's awful! I'd be f*cking furious if anyone made comments like that about my wife. He should be calling them out on that and they aren't friends if they are willing to talk like that about someone's wife.

Lipz · 15/09/2020 17:01

@mollysmysteries

Surprisingly, he's very attentive, loving and kind usually. cooks dinner, offers support and tells me I look nice everyday etc. I think he's a bit immature still in his mannerisms sometimes though and his mum has always been a bit smothering towards him.
He's not loving and kind, loving and kind people don't accept their partner being put down and humiliated like they are to you. If he was loving and kind he would tell them it's not acceptable and to stop but he obviously enjoys the slagging about you otherwise there'd be no messages making fun of you.
hollieberrie · 15/09/2020 17:05

Oh gosh this is awful OP.
I'd be so upset. I'm not sure there's any coming back from this really? His friends sound like awful people. And that reflects on him really if those are the people he chooses to hang around with.

TwixTwixtwoo · 15/09/2020 17:05

My DH would dump 'friends' who spoke about me this way instantly, they wouldn't get chance to do it a second time. In a relationship committed enough to be ttc you should be a team, on each other's side above all else and he simply isn't OP, he's cowardly and disloyal. I'd be having a good think about whether this is the man you really want as father to your kids because I think you could do a lot better than someone who clearly doesn't have your back. Sorry Flowers

ClarencesMum · 15/09/2020 17:08

Fuck that.

Why do they think it is acceptable to call you names like that? I think he has paved the way for them at some point. You have probably hardly even seen his friends for them to know about your weight gain. He's moaned to them about it.

Disgusting.

mbosnz · 15/09/2020 17:08

Ditch the spineless Mama's boy. No way I want to be with a man without enough self respect and respect for me, that he'll stick around to listen to people disrespecting his partner, just for the privilege of tagging along with their mean boys' group.

ilovemyrednosedaymug · 15/09/2020 17:10

He should be shutting down his friends immediately "that's my DP you are being rude about" "please dont say nasty things about DP" "guys stop the childish behaviour, we're not 12"..... see there are all sorts of ways to say it. If he shut them down at the start it would have soon stopped. He is allowing them to bully him as well as you by taking the mickey out of him for being with you.

If he can't stand up to them and defend you, then I don't see a long term future in it for you sadly.

IntermittentParps · 15/09/2020 17:10

Tell him to make them pack it in or you are leaving. And mean it.

CindersCatsSister · 15/09/2020 17:11

I’m so sorry and so fucking angry that this has happened to you, op. Nasty little cunts.
Your partner, it seems, doesn’t love you enough to be outraged on your behalf. You deserve to be loved by somebody who will. Sounds like he’s bullied by them too.

tmh88 · 15/09/2020 17:12

Op, I would never usually post this but please leave him “trotters” is disgusting, would you let someone talk like that about him? Most definitely not? He has no morals or backbone to let people talk like that about you! Don’t waste any more of your time on such a loser. You deserve and can have so, so much better.

rumred · 15/09/2020 17:13

Nasty misogynistic man. Get rid

DishingOutDone · 15/09/2020 17:14

At least he showed you who he is before you got pregnant. Don't do this OP, have some self respect and make plans to split now.

Emeeno1 · 15/09/2020 17:15

I'm sorry you've read such hurtful things from people who should care about you better.

Everywhere you look these days, people are obsessed by weight: their own, other peoples, their children's. Turning weight into a virtue (low weight good, self-controlled person; high weight, bad, uncontrolled person) has encouraged us all to make a judgement on others.

You need to decide whether you want to be with someone who enjoys joining in this kind of judgement on anybody, let alone the person he is meant to love most in the world. What if one day this is his daughter he, and his mother, are writing about?

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 15/09/2020 17:16

That is so incredibly cruel.
Some good advice here OP, you’re worth so much more than that.

WildAboutMyPlanet · 15/09/2020 17:17

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, how awful for you. DH and I make fun of each other but this would not be tolerated on either side. His friends are disgusting. I hate ‘banter’ and ‘lads chat’ as excuses, they aren’t. There is a line and your DP and his friends have gone way past it.

The fact he ran off to his mind and involved her is utterly ridiculous too. He is behaving like a little boy. He has done this to you twice, it’s not okay. Can I ask, when they say this shit to him how does he respond?

Pinkiii · 15/09/2020 17:17

Who your friends are says a lot about you, and in his case, he has shown you his true colours. Please don’t stay with a man like this. You are worth more than someone who wouldn’t defend you.

Imagine you are succesful in TTC and you gain a bit more weight, how would be he be then? How would your mental state be?

Your partner should be making you feel like a godess everyday.

BewilderedDoughnut · 15/09/2020 17:17

DO NOT for the love of God have a baby with this guy! Someone who loves you and respects you doesn’t allow others to disrespect you in such a way.

Xiaoxiong · 15/09/2020 17:18

No one makes unkind jokes about their friend's partner unless given a very clear signal that such a mean joke would be welcome - like the friend making unkind comments himself about his partner.

The fact that he got defensive and said that he couldn't control their behaviour is total, utter bullshit. He's asking you to believe that out of the blue someone shared something like that in a group chat?! Pull the other one.

And then to add insult to injury he runs to Mummy and tells you that SHE said you should use it as motivation. So either she actually said this completely spiteful thing and he thought it was a good idea to relay this to you, or she didn't actually say it and he thought it was a good idea to make it up to somehow justify himself because Mummy agrees with him. Both are appalling.

I'd call it a day. There's no coming back from this really. Sorry Flowers

Topseyt · 15/09/2020 17:18

He is not loving and kind and this is not "banter" FFS. It is hurtful, spiteful and immature behaviour and this man does nothing at all to defend you. If he did then he wouldn't consider these twats to be his friends.

How do you know that he doesn't join in with the "banter" when he is out with them? I bet he does.

You don't really know what his mother said, if he even told her the truth, unless you were there. You probably only have his word for it and he may be gaslighting you anyway.

I wouldn't want to have a baby with him. Kick his arse out and find someone else.

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