Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

to be devastated I'm being called names...as an adult!

307 replies

mollysmysteries · 15/09/2020 16:36

First time poster...long time lurker so please be gentle.

So the backstory is that I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are currently TTC after losing last year (late miscarriage). We live in partners hometown- We are both 29.

In the past two years, I have gone from 10 stone 9 to 12 stone 10- I'm 5ft5. I was a size 12/14 and now I'm closer to a 16. The weight gain has come from mainly my role becoming a WFH home role (before covid) and not exercising enough in the beginning. I have tried everything to lose weight, slimming world/ weight watchers, joint a virtual gym and was recently diagnosed with PCOS/Insulin Resistance through blood tests/scans. I'm now on Metformin and low carbing, exercising and I'm beginning to lose weight :)

The problem is DP's friends...and DP. Around June time I was sat in our living room, when messages from his chat came up through the games console on our tv (facebook). It was messages from DP's friends essentially making jokes about me..saying about him being busy this weekend with 'trotters' and likening me to a whale- harpooned came in there!. I was devastated and cried to DP, who apologised and said he would have a word with them. This is a group of 30 year old (some married men) and although I see them socially sometimes, DP sees them more.

Fast forward to this month, and DP leaves the laptop on the table as we are both WFH. He went out to make a call, and as I was on an important meeting i went over to silence his laptop as it was beeping incessantly. Once again, the same group chat, I very stupidly had a little scroll not very far up, and again there was comments about me, and a meme of a fat woman suffocating a skinny bloke. DP is slender.

This time, I confronted DP and he was furious- calling me a snoop, saying that it's just banter aimed at him, not me, and it's private and that he's told them once but its not his responsibility what other people do!. He then stormed off to his mums- who told him I was being ridiculous and ''should use it as an incentive'''!

I just feel so low and devastated. I'm trying so hard, and feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who wont even defend me! I've always liked DP's mum too, and although her comment was harsh, I don't know if she meant it harshly. Should i LTB? I've spoken to my family and they're furious, but are close-knit and protective anyways..

Any advice would be appreciated. We are okay now, and DP has apologised again, but I still feel slightly weird around him. Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
BabyDust13 · 15/09/2020 20:47

@XingMing just wow 🤦🏻‍♀️

SoPanny · 15/09/2020 20:53

Hi @XingMing

The point is that way >>>>>>

frumpety · 15/09/2020 21:02

How many friends does he have on this group chat ? Because at least one will be worried about hair loss, one will have a below average sized penis or a bit of a bendy penis or a foreskin that doesn't go back properly, one will be too hairy, one not hairy enough, one too short, one will have sticky out ears or a big nose or shit teeth or be a bit smelly. Not one will be a perfect specimen of a human being physically.
Have you met them ? if you have I would be tempted to add a list to your Dear John letter, mention that DH has told you about Chris's poor excuse for a manhood and that Dave has been checking out hair replacement procedures and that Kyles girlfriend told you he regularly wets the bed when drunk, that sort of thing, make sure it isn't you making the insults directly, just stuff you have heard from them all or their girlfriends. Then post it on SM.

XingMing · 15/09/2020 21:02

So, just wow.. very helpful @BabyDust13

The relationship sounds questionable toward poisonous, so the OP should make her choice. The partner sounds rubbish, but the OP's health should be her priority.

Lurcherloves · 15/09/2020 21:07

It sounds pretty mean OP. I would rate kindness as one of the most important traits in a partner and his behaviour is not kind. Having said that he is probably feeling embarrassed about the awful jibes and trying to pin his negative feelings on you. I think you’re better off without him
On the PCOS issue, I have that and acupuncture works a treat for me x

frumpety · 15/09/2020 21:08

was recently diagnosed with PCOS/Insulin Resistance through blood tests/scans. I'm now on Metformin and low carbing, exercising and I'm beginning to lose weight

Did you not read this bit @XingMing ?

DileenODoubts · 15/09/2020 21:14

He’s a weak man OP
The pathetic one in the friend group - they can even say shit about his wife and he takes it. You’re not that big but it’s just one more thing they use to belittle him because that’s his role in the group. I wouldn’t be surprised if he started it.
He’s so desperate to keep up with them he take it but I bet the rest of them don’t tolerate anything said about their own partners.
I’d be very surprised if his mum really said that.
He’s pathetic taking shit from his friends but you don’t have to be the same taking shur from him.
No one would agree that it’s ok

CuppaZa · 15/09/2020 21:16

I couldn’t be with a man (boy) like that OP.

BitOfFun · 15/09/2020 21:17

Mental health is just as important- leaving an unsupportive partner should help with that. As will the diet and exercise regime that @mollysmysteries has already started. I'm not so convinced that being patronised on a thread asking for help with her relationship rather than her weight will aid her mood in any way. Especially on top of the recent insults about her appearance.

Prettybluepigeons · 15/09/2020 21:19

Xingming- can I just add that I was obese when I had both my children. I had lovely easy pregnancies with no health problems, active drug free births with quick recoveries and went on to breastfeed exclusively.

Please don't come on stating as fact things that are not so.
The ops weight was not the point of the thread her disloyal do was the point.
Your comment was completely tone deaf.

ChaToilLeam · 15/09/2020 21:22

He’s at best a weak minded dickhead. He is neither good enough nor loyal enough to be your partner and father of your children, OP. Be rid of him. He’s shown his true colours and they are far from pleasant.

And @XingMing, do one.

sallievp · 15/09/2020 21:25

He sounds disgusting and pathetic.
You sound lovely and deserve better.
Please don't have a baby with him

IWantT0BreakFree · 15/09/2020 21:25

The partner sounds rubbish, but the OP's health should be her priority.

So sanctimonious and just downright rude You're surely aware that people can care about more than one thing at a time? For all you know OP is taking steps to improve her health whilst simultaneously doing some soul searching over her arsehole of a partner.

Before you flounce off the thread you owe her an apology for your rudeness.

stovetopespresso · 15/09/2020 21:28

my partner has friends in a similar situation and I can guarantee the men would never DREAM of making hurtful comments like that, i am so sorry op

FizzyGreenWater · 15/09/2020 21:33

What a fucking loser.

You know why they feel they can say these things about you? Because they know your DP is low in the pecking order. A bit of a wannabe. They can smell his desperation to keep up and it's not just you they're laughing at... it's him too. They know he doesn't have the guts to call them out and they enjoy seeing him flailing when they bait him. It's all about power and social cachet, and your DP has NONE. Total snivelling loser.

Leave. Find a man who is not only loyal and loving but has the guts and integrity to stand by it, instead of throwing the people he's supposed to love under the bus to scrabble himself in with the crowd.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 15/09/2020 22:15

You know why they feel they can say these things about you? Because they know your DP is low in the pecking order. A bit of a wannabe. They can smell his desperation to keep up and it's not just you they're laughing at... it's him too. They know he doesn't have the guts to call them out and they enjoy seeing him flailing when they bait him. It's all about power and social cachet, and your DP has NONE. Total snivelling loser.

This. With bells on.

CakeandCoffeeQueen · 15/09/2020 22:16

I would screen grab the racist jokes and email them to their companies and girls friends, pack while twathead is away taking everything that is yours (do you have a joint account? If so contact the bank so he can’t run up debt) sprinkle cress seeds and lightly water in all carpet - it’s just a joke right?!

Flackattack · 15/09/2020 22:30

You deserve better

newnameforthis123 · 15/09/2020 22:31

@FizzyGreenWater

What a fucking loser.

You know why they feel they can say these things about you? Because they know your DP is low in the pecking order. A bit of a wannabe. They can smell his desperation to keep up and it's not just you they're laughing at... it's him too. They know he doesn't have the guts to call them out and they enjoy seeing him flailing when they bait him. It's all about power and social cachet, and your DP has NONE. Total snivelling loser.

Leave. Find a man who is not only loyal and loving but has the guts and integrity to stand by it, instead of throwing the people he's supposed to love under the bus to scrabble himself in with the crowd.

Seriously, read this post a few times and take it on board. It's all so true.
TheGirlWithAPrince · 15/09/2020 22:41

I had this. They stood behind me with puffy cheeks and a fake waddle ... I saw it in the reflection of the shop window.

Made me feel very low and suicidal.
I left him and met my current husband instead as no one allows that if they respect you

FOKKYFC · 15/09/2020 22:44

@FizzyGreenWater

What a fucking loser.

You know why they feel they can say these things about you? Because they know your DP is low in the pecking order. A bit of a wannabe. They can smell his desperation to keep up and it's not just you they're laughing at... it's him too. They know he doesn't have the guts to call them out and they enjoy seeing him flailing when they bait him. It's all about power and social cachet, and your DP has NONE. Total snivelling loser.

Leave. Find a man who is not only loyal and loving but has the guts and integrity to stand by it, instead of throwing the people he's supposed to love under the bus to scrabble himself in with the crowd.

Yep.
PickAChew · 15/09/2020 23:36

@XingMing

How really helpful is it for an anonymous forum to connive at telling the OP she's fine as she is? I thought/hoped my post would be supportive in helping her take the steps necessary to make a fresh start to the life she wants. I am not being unkind here.
I'd hazard a guess that OP isn't unbothered by her weight gain.
Dancingboots · 15/09/2020 23:57

Wow. There’s no way in hell I’d have a child with this man . He is completely lacking in empathy, has terrible judgement in friends and is a child who runs to his mother when HE is in the wrong
Tbh I couldn’t tolerate this horrible treatment . Is there someone you can lean on and talk to for support , this relationship sounds very unhealthy for you
I’m Sorry you are going through this

Original poster
mollysmysteries · 16/09/2020 00:11

Thanks for all of your messages- have packed up and back at mums. The flat we were renting was a six month fixed term which finishes next month- won't be staying and signing on to any more!

Have blocked him for now but sent over the remaining cash for next months bills etc as don't want to be chased for it mainly. Just want some time to put things into reflection, and find someone worthy of me!

In relationship to the weight comments, yeah I know I need to lose weight, and I have been doing- and will continue. I still don't believe that anyone's weight should be a topic of ridicule by grown adults though in any circumstance.

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 16/09/2020 00:20

@mollysmysteries good for you and thank god you managed to get away from him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread