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Relationships

to be devastated I'm being called names...as an adult!

307 replies

mollysmysteries · 15/09/2020 16:36

First time poster...long time lurker so please be gentle.

So the backstory is that I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are currently TTC after losing last year (late miscarriage). We live in partners hometown- We are both 29.

In the past two years, I have gone from 10 stone 9 to 12 stone 10- I'm 5ft5. I was a size 12/14 and now I'm closer to a 16. The weight gain has come from mainly my role becoming a WFH home role (before covid) and not exercising enough in the beginning. I have tried everything to lose weight, slimming world/ weight watchers, joint a virtual gym and was recently diagnosed with PCOS/Insulin Resistance through blood tests/scans. I'm now on Metformin and low carbing, exercising and I'm beginning to lose weight :)

The problem is DP's friends...and DP. Around June time I was sat in our living room, when messages from his chat came up through the games console on our tv (facebook). It was messages from DP's friends essentially making jokes about me..saying about him being busy this weekend with 'trotters' and likening me to a whale- harpooned came in there!. I was devastated and cried to DP, who apologised and said he would have a word with them. This is a group of 30 year old (some married men) and although I see them socially sometimes, DP sees them more.

Fast forward to this month, and DP leaves the laptop on the table as we are both WFH. He went out to make a call, and as I was on an important meeting i went over to silence his laptop as it was beeping incessantly. Once again, the same group chat, I very stupidly had a little scroll not very far up, and again there was comments about me, and a meme of a fat woman suffocating a skinny bloke. DP is slender.

This time, I confronted DP and he was furious- calling me a snoop, saying that it's just banter aimed at him, not me, and it's private and that he's told them once but its not his responsibility what other people do!. He then stormed off to his mums- who told him I was being ridiculous and ''should use it as an incentive'''!

I just feel so low and devastated. I'm trying so hard, and feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who wont even defend me! I've always liked DP's mum too, and although her comment was harsh, I don't know if she meant it harshly. Should i LTB? I've spoken to my family and they're furious, but are close-knit and protective anyways..

Any advice would be appreciated. We are okay now, and DP has apologised again, but I still feel slightly weird around him. Sorry for the long post!

OP posts:
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incognitomum · 16/09/2020 12:00

That's good you left.

Did you tell your mum why?

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VettiyaIruken · 16/09/2020 12:21

I must have missed the bit where the op asked for advice about her weight.
If that is what she wanted, I'm sure she'd have said so. Talking down to her about her weight when she hasn't asked for anyone's opinion on that is not ok.

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incognitomum · 16/09/2020 12:41

VettiyaIruken if anyone has done that they're disgusting.

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BitOfFun · 16/09/2020 13:09

Don't get drawn into sending the screenshots to anybody, or asking others what they think. This is between the two of you, and it's a private matter. If you keep explaining what happened, it becomes an invitation for people to judge your sense of humour, and it's not that. It's about HIM being disloyal and not having your back.

I also don't like the sound of him exploding in anger at you as his first reaction. It doesn't bode well.

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ButteryPuffin · 16/09/2020 14:32

Yes, you don't need to share the evidence to justify your own response. Some folk (e.g. his mum) will always take his side so don't get drawn into that. Be clear about what your own boundaries are, never mind anyone else.

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wishywashywoowoo70 · 16/09/2020 14:34

My DH would have given them hell.
He's dumped a friend for less before now because he's loyal to ME. He sounds like a child

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VettiyaIruken · 16/09/2020 16:19

@incognitomum

VettiyaIruken if anyone has done that they're disgusting.

Yeah, Xing something did.
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DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 16/09/2020 16:50

Well done for getting out. I suspect that dealing with everything else in your life will become easier now. Onwards and upwards!

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MulticolourMophead · 16/09/2020 17:00

@SewingWaspish

Well done, you've done the right thing.

Just a note on your tenancy though - contact the landlord now and have yourself taken off the lease agreement after the six month fixed term is up, otherwise it may turn into a rolling monthly contract with your name still on it.

Agree with this. Don't fork out more than you need to for this loser.
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babyb2nd · 16/09/2020 18:04

I'm really proud of you! It's not easy to end a relationship but you have done the right thing. I wish you all the best! BiscuitThanks

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Nanny0gg · 16/09/2020 18:23

@mollysmysteries

Surprisingly, he's very attentive, loving and kind usually. cooks dinner, offers support and tells me I look nice everyday etc. I think he's a bit immature still in his mannerisms sometimes though and his mum has always been a bit smothering towards him.

And is that what you want for a life partner and father of your child?

You'll be mothering him too. If he isn't grown up enough to deal with unkind 'banter' (ie, spite) then he isn't grown up enough to be a father.
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Nanny0gg · 16/09/2020 18:26

@XingMing

I know you are going to take this badly, but tough love matters. It wont do you any favours to be overweight while trying to conceive, your labour will be tougher, and your general health will be worse through it all. Please consider a bit of exercise and weight loss. I know fat shaming is cruel, but I want you to know that you don't have to be a size zero, just a sensible weight for your height. If your DH's friends are even slightly kind, then they will try to help, and if they don't, then you are better out of his gang.

It isn't the business of his so-called 'friends' to give the OP 'tough love'

And that isn't what they're doing. They're being spiteful.

And no-one asked you to provide any either for someone you haven't actually clapped eyes on
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grool · 16/09/2020 18:30

I'm so sorry OP, you do not deserve to be treated that way.

As someone who has been larger, and is still overweight, I woulf be devastated if my DPs friends made jokes like that about me. I know my DP would never stand for it and if it happened would end the friendship over it.

If I were you I would strongly consider whether I want to spend the rest of my life with someone so spineless who could sit by and listen to people make you the butt of their joke.

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grool · 16/09/2020 18:33

Just saw you have ended the relationship OP, apologies as I didn't RTFT. Good for you, sending you strength and wine Wine

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Nanny0gg · 16/09/2020 18:42

Sorry OP, I hate it when people don't read posts!

Well done. I know you'll feel sad but you have absolutely done the right thing

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EarringsandLipstick · 17/09/2020 08:10

Good for you OP 👏

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twoshedsjackson · 17/09/2020 12:42

A former boyfriend of mine was a karate enthusiast; I'd hear about his "lad's nights" and he'd obviously mentioned me to his mates. Apparently, his game was slipping somewhat, and one of his mates jokingly suggested that being rude about me would automatically fire his karate up a bit! The clear understanding was that if anybody insulted me, he would obviously spring to my defence; any decent man would have his partner's back. They all seemed to understand loyalty instinctively. This is how adults behave.
It's a shame that his mother did not see fit to set him straight on this, but doubtless she is now revelling in his company.
You deserve better.; well done for realising it, and acting decisively.

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EarthSight · 17/09/2020 21:09

It was messages from DP's friends essentially making jokes about me..saying about him being busy this weekend with 'trotters' and likening me to a whale- harpooned came in there!. I was devastated and cried to DP, who apologised and said he would have a word with them. This is a group of 30 year old (some married men) and although I see them socially sometimes, DP sees them more.

His friends sound immature. I'm afraid your partner is probably more like them that what you would want him to be. That's why he tolerates them and doesn't see it as much of a big deal as you. He sounds like a Peter Pan - little boys in men's bodies who don't want to grow up, who are too embarrassed to show that they are devoted to their wives. If they have wives, they will call them 'the wife' instead of 'my wife. If he is that type then he will always be more loyal to his little group of lost boys than he will to you, no matter what they call you.

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EarthSight · 17/09/2020 21:10

You know, people say that women fat shame each other and men have nothing to do with it......well that's really not true. Men are definitely part of it.

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SemperIdem · 17/09/2020 23:44

@EarthSight men are, very often, openly and viciously critical of women’s weight. Regardless of their own most of the time.

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ShebaShimmyShake · 18/09/2020 16:20

My experience is that men fat shame far more than women.

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ArthurBloom · 18/09/2020 16:29

Myself and my friends are VERY brutal about each others partners, and I can tell you it really is never personal, I like my best friends partner but I constantly harp on her.
Has always been and will always be our humour, If he treats you right and it's with him and his mates I don't see an issue.

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greyinganddecaying · 18/09/2020 16:44

@ArthurBloom

Myself and my friends are VERY brutal about each others partners, and I can tell you it really is never personal, I like my best friends partner but I constantly harp on her.
Has always been and will always be our humour, If he treats you right and it's with him and his mates I don't see an issue.


It is really unpleasant to name call and make derogatory comments about people. You may see it as humour but it can be very hurtful.

It begs the question, why do they think it's appropriate?
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Topseyt · 18/09/2020 16:49

@ArthurBloom

Myself and my friends are VERY brutal about each others partners, and I can tell you it really is never personal, I like my best friends partner but I constantly harp on her.
Has always been and will always be our humour, If he treats you right and it's with him and his mates I don't see an issue.

I wouldn't still be with DH if he kept friends like that.

If course it's personal. You are making personal remarks about the partner and that is shitty behaviour.
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Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 18/09/2020 16:54

@ArthurBloom

Myself and my friends are VERY brutal about each others partners, and I can tell you it really is never personal, I like my best friends partner but I constantly harp on her.
Has always been and will always be our humour, If he treats you right and it's with him and his mates I don't see an issue.

Wow. That is some seriously unimaginative low-life excuse for humour. I thought Neanderthals died out.
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