to be devastated I'm being called names...as an adult!

[mollysmysteries]

First time poster...long time lurker so please be gentle.

So the backstory is that I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are currently TTC after losing last year (late miscarriage). We live in partners hometown- We are both 29.

In the past two years, I have gone from 10 stone 9 to 12 stone 10- I'm 5ft5. I was a size 12/14 and now I'm closer to a 16. The weight gain has come from mainly my role becoming a WFH home role (before covid) and not exercising enough in the beginning. I have tried everything to lose weight, slimming world/ weight watchers, joint a virtual gym and was recently diagnosed with PCOS/Insulin Resistance through blood tests/scans. I'm now on Metformin and low carbing, exercising and I'm beginning to lose weight :)

The problem is DP's friends...and DP. Around June time I was sat in our living room, when messages from his chat came up through the games console on our tv (facebook). It was messages from DP's friends essentially making jokes about me..saying about him being busy this weekend with 'trotters' and likening me to a whale- harpooned came in there!. I was devastated and cried to DP, who apologised and said he would have a word with them. This is a group of 30 year old (some married men) and although I see them socially sometimes, DP sees them more.

Fast forward to this month, and DP leaves the laptop on the table as we are both WFH. He went out to make a call, and as I was on an important meeting i went over to silence his laptop as it was beeping incessantly. Once again, the same group chat, I very stupidly had a little scroll not very far up, and again there was comments about me, and a meme of a fat woman suffocating a skinny bloke. DP is slender.

This time, I confronted DP and he was furious- calling me a snoop, saying that it's just banter aimed at him, not me, and it's private and that he's told them once but its not his responsibility what other people do!. He then stormed off to his mums- who told him I was being ridiculous and ''should use it as an incentive'''!

I just feel so low and devastated. I'm trying so hard, and feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who wont even defend me! I've always liked DP's mum too, and although her comment was harsh, I don't know if she meant it harshly. Should i LTB? I've spoken to my family and they're furious, but are close-knit and protective anyways..

Any advice would be appreciated. We are okay now, and DP has apologised again, but I still feel slightly weird around him. Sorry for the long post!

[Bluntness100]

This exact thing was posted two or three months ago. I remember it distinctly. Even the whale reference. How odd.

[PomBearSandwich]

OP have you posted about this before? It sounds really familiar.

[BBCONEANDTWO]

Try and reverse it - how would he feel if you were taking the pure piss out of him with your friends.

He has ZERO respect for you - sorry to say that but it's true.

What would happen if you put on more weight or had a terrible illness if your hair fell out or something would they all be allowed by him to mow you?

[GreyPanther]

His friend’s reply says it all. Bunch of narrow minded gas lighters.
OP don’t waste any time being upset on what these cretins say or do, you are better than them.
I hope you work things out OP

[PomBearSandwich]

Snap @Bluntness100! I scrolled through 5 pages to see if anyone picked up on it. The details are extremely similar to a thread I’ve read on here before.

Hopefully there aren’t 2 of these “men” and 2 groups of terrible friends...

[GypsyRoseGarden]

"banter" and "learn to take a joke" translate to "I will be a immature, ignorant bully and make it your fault"

there is no excuse for their behavior and there is no excuse for your partner not putting a stop to it

think long and hard if you want to be with someone who (1) thinks this is ok and just harmless banter, (2) isn't prepared to defend you, (3) it more focused on his own reaction than how it has hurt you

I was thinking what my husband would do in similar situations - I believe he would let them know they are out of order and not to repeat that type of bullying/insults, and if they didn't he would ditch those idiots and not associate with them - after all, our friends do reflect who we are

[GypsyRoseGarden]

@Bluntness100 @PomBearSandwich

[TheWernethWife]

I bet that none of his twat mates look like Tom Hardy. Cheeky bastards.

[Toomuchtrouble4me]

He must be liking or laughing at the comments or they wouldn't do it.
He sounds awful - cant tell you to leave or stay but be aware! He's not a kind man.

[Veryverycalmnow]

How upsetting! Ugh, the thought of a bunch of grown men making derogatory comments about weight is making me cringe. Bunch of knobheads. Hope you get away from your partner and his schoolboy pals. His mum's reaction explains a lot too. Well done for the weight loss.

[Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd]

Wouldn't bother with a Dear John. I'd just leave. 'This relationship is over. I need and deserve more than an immature, misogynistic mamma's boy.'

He's nearly 30. This is who he is.

[originaldiv]

OP this has made my blood boil for you!

What a bunch of toxic male pricks. If ANYONE said anything remotely disrespectful about my DH they would be ripped a new one.

Recently my DH has ditched a 20 year friendship because his idiotic mate decided to come round to ours and behave like a complete tosser - he didn't actually insult me personally but his behaviour was abhorrent all the same. My DH didnt actually do anything at the time (wimp that he was) but I did, and afterwards I was so so disappointed that he just sat there in silence. I mean, he did do the right thing in the end and he is not gonna forget his not doing anything at the time in a hurry (because I won't let him!) - tbh it made me lose a bit of respect for him.

If I had seen messages insulting me I swear it would be the end for me and we are married with 4 kids. You deserve better and you should ditch him ASAP. Good luck OP.

And the fact that he's a massive mummy's boy??? No thanks.

[Notthetoothfairy]

So glad you are LTB. Rather than a Dear John letter, maybe leave a print out of this thread and hand write on it “This is why I left you” (of course, never entertain the idea of his coming back whatever he says).

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

His friends insult you, and when you ask them not to they tell you to fuck off. But he sides with them.

Think what a miserable life you would have if you stayed with this cowardly, dishonest man, especially if you had children. Time to leave and find someone who deserves you.

[Ginorwine30]

Get out while you can OP! The way you describe him, he reminds me so much of my ex. He had awful mates who used to say horrible things about me for no reason and he never stuck up for me. They were laddish types with no girlfriends and they used to make cruel comments about my appearance. I found messages from them talking about me, it was so vile that I cried. He never once stuck up for me or told them to stop. My self esteem was low and I put up with it for too long.
Four years on and I’m happily settled with a lovely DP, his friends are nice guys and much more mature. They joke with each other but wouldn’t dream of saying stuff about me. I’ve never seen or heard any horrible comments about any of the wives/girlfriends in their group.
Dump him, he doesn’t deserve you

[SoulofanAggron]

and he simply replied ''Ohh fuck off and learn to take a joke''.

And your DP stayed friends with someone who said that to you? No way! He is allowing you to be abused and not being supportive.

[Boredbumhead]

I actually think this is really serious and will eat away at you over the years. He is complicit in emotionally abusing you with his friends. I would be seriously considering leaving him to be honest or your self esteem may end up getting badly affected over time.

[ClementineWoolysocks]

It's not banter, it's cruel and abusive and he should have shut that shit down immediately not laughed along with it. What a fucking dick.

[itsallaloadofshite]

That's actually disgusting that his friend replied telling you to fuck off! I would be absolutely livid if my friend spoke to my partner like that and would end the friendship. I couldn't be with someone who didn't put a stop to that sort of behavior and let their friends take the piss out of me! They must talk about you often considering you've came across them being horrible about you both times you've had a look at the messages! LTB OP he doesn't sound worth it! Your partner is supposed to bring you up, make you feel special etc not make you feel like this!

[mollysmysteries]

@PomBearSandwich

OP have you posted about this before? It sounds really familiar.

No, but unfortunately I've seen tons of threads like this on here and reddit/womans sites when I desperately searched about women in similar positions- but they're usually about younger couples, not ones pushing 30.

[ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt]

They all need a smack in the fucking mouth, by the sound of it. No you bloody well shouldn't put up with this.

[Mulhollandmagoo]

Yeah, he's shite at confrontation of any sorts really and he's always tried to ''live up to them''

If these are his aspirations then you're better off running as far as you can as fast as you can! That's toxic masculinity at it's very finest! I agree with the poster who suggested printing off the conversation and giving it to his friends girlfriend, might cool them off a little.

It's worth leaving purely for the fact that he will pass on these mysogyinist views to your children if you were to have any, and the world is moving forward now so there is no place for that

[Mulhollandmagoo]

Also, I hope you leave with your head held high!!! Don't let their opinions of you damage your confidence, because they're just immature dicks

[Alonley1]

I’d leave him.

[TheTeenageYears]

@mollysmysteries DP (and his friends) really do need to understand that PCOS is an autoimmune condition which requires careful management and generally medication to control. It is a serious condition with side effects such as weight gain which are very easy to minimise if you don't understand it. Would his friends have made similar comments of someone diagnosed with cancer? Something tells me they wouldn't. DD was diagnosed this summer. She is a teenager so caught early and we have done endless research on appropriate diets to avoid the strong likelihood of weight gain further down the line and huge risk of type 2 diabetes THROUGH NO FAULT OF YOUR OWN.

He definitely hasn't been the supportive partner you deserve and at the very least you should put the TTC on hold for now. It is PCOS awareness month so maybe he needs to do some research about the condition and then make a stand to his mates about appropriate behaviour. Whatever happens with your relationship I really hope you manage to get the weight gain under control for your own sake. I don't know if you have come across this but high impact exercise should be avoided. Sending you hugs and a huge dose of understanding.