to be devastated I'm being called names...as an adult!

[mollysmysteries]

First time poster...long time lurker so please be gentle.

So the backstory is that I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are currently TTC after losing last year (late miscarriage). We live in partners hometown- We are both 29.

In the past two years, I have gone from 10 stone 9 to 12 stone 10- I'm 5ft5. I was a size 12/14 and now I'm closer to a 16. The weight gain has come from mainly my role becoming a WFH home role (before covid) and not exercising enough in the beginning. I have tried everything to lose weight, slimming world/ weight watchers, joint a virtual gym and was recently diagnosed with PCOS/Insulin Resistance through blood tests/scans. I'm now on Metformin and low carbing, exercising and I'm beginning to lose weight :)

The problem is DP's friends...and DP. Around June time I was sat in our living room, when messages from his chat came up through the games console on our tv (facebook). It was messages from DP's friends essentially making jokes about me..saying about him being busy this weekend with 'trotters' and likening me to a whale- harpooned came in there!. I was devastated and cried to DP, who apologised and said he would have a word with them. This is a group of 30 year old (some married men) and although I see them socially sometimes, DP sees them more.

Fast forward to this month, and DP leaves the laptop on the table as we are both WFH. He went out to make a call, and as I was on an important meeting i went over to silence his laptop as it was beeping incessantly. Once again, the same group chat, I very stupidly had a little scroll not very far up, and again there was comments about me, and a meme of a fat woman suffocating a skinny bloke. DP is slender.

This time, I confronted DP and he was furious- calling me a snoop, saying that it's just banter aimed at him, not me, and it's private and that he's told them once but its not his responsibility what other people do!. He then stormed off to his mums- who told him I was being ridiculous and ''should use it as an incentive'''!

I just feel so low and devastated. I'm trying so hard, and feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who wont even defend me! I've always liked DP's mum too, and although her comment was harsh, I don't know if she meant it harshly. Should i LTB? I've spoken to my family and they're furious, but are close-knit and protective anyways..

Any advice would be appreciated. We are okay now, and DP has apologised again, but I still feel slightly weird around him. Sorry for the long post!

[VettiyaIruken]

You deserve better.
He is not loyal and that's not someone you need in your life.

[daisychain1620]

As your other half he's supposed to be your biggest supporter and defend you, as you should him. Its horrible that he hasn't and sounds like he having a good old laugh at your expense with his dicky friends. I couldn't imagine my hubby or any of his mates being so cruel about one of their wives and they can be very immature with their humour.
Its probably best you spend some time with your family, they sound supportive and loving (something your other half should be). You're worth more than being the butt of his jokes. Also his mum sounds like an arse

[krustykittens]

Thank God you are making plans to leave! Your 'D' P is not a nice guy. Look at the company he keeps. There is no way he is hanging out with such spiteful, misogynistic bullies and yet remains an angel. And he always has his mummy to tell him he does no wrong when he DOES get pulled up. You do not want a baby with this man, it will tie you to these people forever. Have a baby with someone who loves and cherishes you, it is the LEAST you deserve.

[mollysmysteries]

@donttouchmyhair

OP did you see any messages of his sticking up for you? Or was he laughing along with them?

My DP is in his early 20's and he and his friends can be very immature with each other, live for 'banter' and say some really harsh things to each other. One of his friends gf's has put on a lot of weight. It's definitely been noticed but not a single one has made a joke over it. Makes me think your DP has said something himself to make them comfortable disrespecting you like that.

So his responses are 'fuck you' and 'get lost' or 'do one' really. From what i've seen, he never joined in, but doesn't exactly respond in my defence either.

I just want to point out also that- one of the friends has an indian girlfriend and I saw several severely racist comments on there as well aimed at her- so I think anyone is a target. I did not see anything racist from DP, but the whole thing is just vile and I cannot condone it how he has.

I was tempted to report the racism but as its on a 'private' chat I'm not sure there's much leg to stand on.

[teapotson]

How vile of your ‘D’P to allow anyone to speak about you in this way! I would never allow anyone I loved to be spoken about so badly.

I would end the relationship and find someone who would love and protect me.

[krustykittens]

They sound like a bunch of Incels, humiliating and dragging down every woman their group comes into contact with. Vile.

[daisychain1620]

They sound delightful 🙄. If one of my mates were slagging my hubby i wouldn't half heartedly say 'get lost' I'd be so cross that they'd not dare say it again and if they kept doing it they clearly are not my mates. Why can he not see this about his own friends? You really are better off without him I think

[HowDeeDooDee]

Can you find somewhere else to live before he gets back. Can you stay with your mum. Do you own or rent together. Get your paperwork together, pack up your belongings. Dont bother with a goodbye letter. He will be devastated but he is.immature and spineless and probably wont even understand why you have gone. Let his mummy.look after him.

[Boatingforthestars]

I'm a bloke, and am involved in a very lively group chat where we constantly take dogs at each if other.
Your mum jokes are quite commonplace as are suggesting the lads are popping round to offer your mrs some company whilst you are working. Childish I know, but nothing ever actually offensive gets said, to me that is crossing a line, and I would pull them up on it.

[HowDeeDooDee]

Print out the comments and give them to his mates gf. What a bunch of twats.

[12309845653ghydrvj]

He’s an absolute useless, pointless, dickless excuse of a man.

Somehow it’s almost worse that he’s too much of a coward to be a dick to you, but fine to let others be. It’s not just that he’s a dick, it’s also that he’s a pathetic limp dick of a man.

Running to his mommy, letting his friends run all over his life partner—don’t let that slimy little pond creature come near you again. You’ll never be able to respect him, and sorry he sounds like he’d be a useless father.

[12309845653ghydrvj]

@HowDeeDooDee

Print out the comments and give them to his mates gf. What a bunch of twats.

OH MY GOD YES

[12309845653ghydrvj]

Also remember: this is what you have seen. You can guarantee there has been a lot more, both written down and in person

[SoulofanAggron]

A decent husband would be saying it's not ok every time it happens, so it would only happen once/twice and it would stop. I'd say he somehow enjoys/is flattered by it.

And he shouldn't be having a go at you for not being ok with it. I definitely wouldn't want to see these friends at all, and wuld think how he's acted is pretty bad in not supporting you and being ok with having friends who seem to be arseholes in general.

[ButteryPuffin]

Who owns the house you live in? Your mum's offer is good and I would definitely move back there before he returns.

[JazzleRazzle]

Sweetheart, that is bloody appalling behaviour on his part! Your DP is a dick and you seriously deserve so much better!

You should absolutely kick him out and find someone new!!

My name is an old and unfortunate one that lends itself very easily to an obvious and a rude joke. I heard it so, so many times at school and then after I left school at college etc and had been really bullied over it. It was so obvious and it just wasn’t funny. I used to just respond “Oh yes, very original, never heard that one before!“ with a bored look each time someone new said it, thinking they were being witty, and most adults never said it again.

I had been going out with now DH for only a few weeks, and we had been out with a group of his mates several times (they had been friends since school so many, many years and a very close group). One of them made the joke about my name when he met me, I dismissed him, but then he kept on doing it again and again and again. Each time out of earshot of DH. I kept just ignoring him and telling him to pack it in but I was getting more and more upset inside each time, however I didn’t want to make a fuss as DH was a new relationship and this friend was a very old friend.

Finally we walked into the pub one night and as soon as I sat down (DH had gone to the bar) he said it to me again. For some reason on that occasion I lost it, I shouted at him that I was fed up of it, that I had, had enough of his piss taking and wasn’t putting up with it anymore and walked straight back out and got in my car, thinking that was probably going to be the end of the few week old relationship.

DH came after me, having had no idea why I had just reacted like that. I told DH, what his friend had said and that I had repeatedly asked him to stop and that he had continuously done it since I had known him, that I had years of bullying at school over it and couldn’t deal with it continuing as an adult, so I was going home.

DH had never heard him do it, he had always done it out of his earshot, so he hadn’t realised what was going on and was annoyed with me that I had never said before what was happening and how much he was upsetting me.

He asked me to wait in the car, marched back into the pub, gave his friend an absolute mouthful for being rude to HIS girlfriend and walked back out and came home with me. He was completely livid with his friend. The friend claimed it was a joke and refused to apologise and so DH ended a 15 year friendship then and there and has never seen him since.

That is what the man you are going to marry should do. If someone is being rude about his partner then it is his responsibility to stop it then and there. These people are being rude about HIS partner and he is letting them! If he doesn’t defend you then he is quite simply not good enough for you.

Also his Mum and her comments absolutely wrong too. She is rude and out of line. You are better off without both of them.

Please value yourself and tell him where to go!

[BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze]

Just get rid of him. I think you can judge a lot about a person from their choice of friends. By 29, he shouldn’t be having to impress his mates and live up to them. The mother sounds awful too. He clearly did wrong and she defended him and blamed you. I think your future will be miserable will be miserable with this man. His mother and mates are here to stay. It sounds like you have a lovely family you can rely on so just get away from him. You deserve so much better.

[GreyPanther]

Oh OP your partners friends sound just awful. The comments about you and the racism are unacceptable. The racism a particularly alarming. This isn’t banter, this is deep rooted hatred and vileness which people like that will gaslight anyone who stands up to them by just saying its banter. It’s not.

Why is your DP friends with people like this? As lovely as he might be, the fact he tolerates this sort of behaviour speaks volumes about his character and the company he keeps. I would be very wary OP. It sounds like you would be better off without him.

[AriesTheRam]

You can lose 12 stone instantly by booting him out the door.

[afaloren]

I’m very glad you’ve told your mum and have options. Moving forward with a man who chooses to surround himself with rude, immature and racist (!) ‘friends’ says a lot about him and you can find someone miles better. I’m rooting for you

[mollysmysteries]

@JazzleRazzle

Sweetheart, that is bloody appalling behaviour on his part! Your DP is a dick and you seriously deserve so much better!

You should absolutely kick him out and find someone new!!

My name is an old and unfortunate one that lends itself very easily to an obvious and a rude joke. I heard it so, so many times at school and then after I left school at college etc and had been really bullied over it. It was so obvious and it just wasn’t funny. I used to just respond “Oh yes, very original, never heard that one before!“ with a bored look each time someone new said it, thinking they were being witty, and most adults never said it again.

I had been going out with now DH for only a few weeks, and we had been out with a group of his mates several times (they had been friends since school so many, many years and a very close group). One of them made the joke about my name when he met me, I dismissed him, but then he kept on doing it again and again and again. Each time out of earshot of DH. I kept just ignoring him and telling him to pack it in but I was getting more and more upset inside each time, however I didn’t want to make a fuss as DH was a new relationship and this friend was a very old friend.

Finally we walked into the pub one night and as soon as I sat down (DH had gone to the bar) he said it to me again. For some reason on that occasion I lost it, I shouted at him that I was fed up of it, that I had, had enough of his piss taking and wasn’t putting up with it anymore and walked straight back out and got in my car, thinking that was probably going to be the end of the few week old relationship.

DH came after me, having had no idea why I had just reacted like that. I told DH, what his friend had said and that I had repeatedly asked him to stop and that he had continuously done it since I had known him, that I had years of bullying at school over it and couldn’t deal with it continuing as an adult, so I was going home.

DH had never heard him do it, he had always done it out of his earshot, so he hadn’t realised what was going on and was annoyed with me that I had never said before what was happening and how much he was upsetting me.

He asked me to wait in the car, marched back into the pub, gave his friend an absolute mouthful for being rude to HIS girlfriend and walked back out and came home with me. He was completely livid with his friend. The friend claimed it was a joke and refused to apologise and so DH ended a 15 year friendship then and there and has never seen him since.

That is what the man you are going to marry should do. If someone is being rude about his partner then it is his responsibility to stop it then and there. These people are being rude about HIS partner and he is letting them! If he doesn’t defend you then he is quite simply not good enough for you.

Also his Mum and her comments absolutely wrong too. She is rude and out of line. You are better off without both of them.

Please value yourself and tell him where to go!

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that- I'm so glad that your DH stood his ground and stood up for you! Nobody deserves that.

I did message the ring leader of the group (a 30 year old man who works in the civil service I may add) and said that I knew what had been said and I was so disgusted by it and that these are the kinda words that can lead to someone feeling suicidal etc. It was a polite message but stern, no swearing etc.

and he simply replied ''Ohh fuck off and learn to take a joke''. I think there are just some people that will never understand and you'll never win with- smallminded, inconsiderate and just damnright horrid.

[Diva66]

@HowDeeDooDee

Print out the comments and give them to his mates gf. What a bunch of twats.

Yes! Absolutely this.

There are so many red flags in his and his friends’s behaviour. Get rid of him now before he totally destroys your confidence.

[BewilderedDoughnut]

DP is away until the weekend with work so I might have to just leave a Dear John

Don't bother. He doesn't deserve it. Just be gone when he returns and never look back.

[Aquamarine1029]

I did message the ring leader of the group (a 30 year old man who works in the civil service I may add) and said that I knew what had been said and I was so disgusted by it and that these are the kinda words that can lead to someone feeling suicidal etc. It was a polite message but stern, no swearing etc.

and he simply replied ''Ohh fuck off and learn to take a joke''.

Wow. And this is who your partner chooses as a close friend. Fuck the lot of them.

[diavlo]

Why are you still with him? He doesn’t love or respect you the way a life partner should! And him Mum should be ashamed at the job she’s done bringing up such a disrespectful twat, rather than excusing his behaviour!