to be devastated I'm being called names...as an adult!

[mollysmysteries]

First time poster...long time lurker so please be gentle.

So the backstory is that I have been with my partner for 4 years and we are currently TTC after losing last year (late miscarriage). We live in partners hometown- We are both 29.

In the past two years, I have gone from 10 stone 9 to 12 stone 10- I'm 5ft5. I was a size 12/14 and now I'm closer to a 16. The weight gain has come from mainly my role becoming a WFH home role (before covid) and not exercising enough in the beginning. I have tried everything to lose weight, slimming world/ weight watchers, joint a virtual gym and was recently diagnosed with PCOS/Insulin Resistance through blood tests/scans. I'm now on Metformin and low carbing, exercising and I'm beginning to lose weight :)

The problem is DP's friends...and DP. Around June time I was sat in our living room, when messages from his chat came up through the games console on our tv (facebook). It was messages from DP's friends essentially making jokes about me..saying about him being busy this weekend with 'trotters' and likening me to a whale- harpooned came in there!. I was devastated and cried to DP, who apologised and said he would have a word with them. This is a group of 30 year old (some married men) and although I see them socially sometimes, DP sees them more.

Fast forward to this month, and DP leaves the laptop on the table as we are both WFH. He went out to make a call, and as I was on an important meeting i went over to silence his laptop as it was beeping incessantly. Once again, the same group chat, I very stupidly had a little scroll not very far up, and again there was comments about me, and a meme of a fat woman suffocating a skinny bloke. DP is slender.

This time, I confronted DP and he was furious- calling me a snoop, saying that it's just banter aimed at him, not me, and it's private and that he's told them once but its not his responsibility what other people do!. He then stormed off to his mums- who told him I was being ridiculous and ''should use it as an incentive'''!

I just feel so low and devastated. I'm trying so hard, and feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who wont even defend me! I've always liked DP's mum too, and although her comment was harsh, I don't know if she meant it harshly. Should i LTB? I've spoken to my family and they're furious, but are close-knit and protective anyways..

Any advice would be appreciated. We are okay now, and DP has apologised again, but I still feel slightly weird around him. Sorry for the long post!

[Fluffycloudland77]

He’s not a good partner. No one dares to criticise me to my dh. Even family know it’s a no go area.

No one criticises my dh to me either because I’m not having it.

Honestly just make plans and leave.

[MrsxRocky]

That's not a partner. My husband would never stand for people talking about me like that. Apart from his mother 🙄.
He obviously hasn't got much respect for you otherwise his mates wouldn't feel they could talk about you like that

[gamerchick]

They're not his friends, they treat him like shit. But that's not your problem.

He's not loyal to you, that is a dumping offence on its own without the mummy boy thing. Imagine what kind of grandma she would be?!

[Chocolate1984]

I’m in complete shock that anyone would allow their friends to humiliate their partner like that and say nothing. He is allowing his friends to make fun of you and he is part of it. He is not a good person.

[Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd]

Imagine having to live tied forever to a mamma's boy and his 'friends' who you know talk about you like this. Forever.

[Prettybluepigeons]

If any of my friends ever dared to say anything derogatory about my dh I would rip them a new arsehole. There is such a thing as loyalty.

This would be the absolute end for me. Relationship dead as a doornail.

[BewilderedDoughnut]

The thread is just over an hour old.

Have you got rid of him yet? Because if you haven’t, you should!!

[incognitomum]

Run for the hills!!!

[Barryisland]

Dump him. You are worth more than that. His friends sound like they are aged 10.

[mollysmysteries]

I agree, I do need to leave. Me and my friends definitely don't discuss each others partners appearances, I'd be horrified if my friends said that kind of stuff. In all truthfulness, I was hoping that by 30 he would've matured by now, and was sort of waiting for it but it's not going to happen. I've messaged my mum whose said that I can start provisions to move home til I can find somewhere new, and as I'm WFH that's possible. DP is away until the weekend with work so I might have to just leave a Dear John...

[Maze76]

He didn’t confront his friends, he sounds like the runt of the litter who would probably laugh and joke along with them because he’s to spineless to stand up for you. I know how hard it is to walk away when you have invested so much into him, but his character is seriously flawed, my advice to you would be to give yourself some space from home. Don’t tell him, book some annual leave and go spend the week with family/ friends. See how he reacts when you go no contact. Take the time apart to evaluate your situation. I hope you see that you’re worth more than this.

[Hailtomyteeth]

You are never going to feel good about yourself while you are with him. Let him go.

[donttouchmyhair]

OP did you see any messages of his sticking up for you? Or was he laughing along with them?

My DP is in his early 20's and he and his friends can be very immature with each other, live for 'banter' and say some really harsh things to each other. One of his friends gf's has put on a lot of weight. It's definitely been noticed but not a single one has made a joke over it. Makes me think your DP has said something himself to make them comfortable disrespecting you like that.

[thefourgp]

You need to dump him but you probably won’t if you’re desperate for a baby. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t really love you. I bet the name calling is the tip of the iceberg. I don’t believe that a man who would tolerate his friends ridiculing his partner is a kind person. There’s probably a lot of other incidents/things about him that you know you shouldn’t really tolerate but you make excuses for him just like his mum does. Things will get ten times worse once you have a child.

[Friendsoftheearth]

Honestly op, it is totally unacceptable, he does not have your back in any sense whatsoever, and is quite happy to laugh along with his little friends at your expense.

I would be out of the relationship in a heartbeat. You are still young at 29 and have time to find someone that truly loves you, and will defend you to the ends of the earth. You can not have a baby (or future) with anyone who isn't 100% behind you.

You are doing the right thing, I wonder in how many other ways he is quietly undermining you?

[Gurtcha]

There is nothing with you. It’s all him and the twats he associates with. If you left him you’d totally be doing the right thing. You shouldn’t be bringing a child up together if he doesn’t respect you. You deserve nothing less than having the ground you walk on worshiped.

[DaphneFanshaw]

His Mum’s comments are horrible.
It’s awful that he told you what she said too.
I’m sorry you had to put up with that.
It seems like you’ve made a decision , how do you feel about it ?

[herrcomesthenamechanger]

Please please please don't have a child with man. Having a baby is hard work, really hard, you need someone who 100% has your back. That's not him.

[Friendsoftheearth]

BTW I would not stand for any of my friends being unkind about my dh, under any circumstances. Once should have been enough, he has no respect for you so as a result THEY have no respect for you, and what is worse they clearly come first!!!!

Run for the hills op. Run for the hills. Don't be that woman with her self esteem on the floor, the butt of all jokes and a laughing stock. You are worth much more than that.

[cheeseislife8]

No no no no. A partner should have your back, always.

[JustDoinTheDo]

Don’t have a baby with this man!

Any decent man should absolutely NOT accept his friends talking like this about his partner, and he should have nipped it in the bud the very first time it happened.

To continue to allow it to roll on and excuse it as banter is extremely weak, pathetic and inexcusable. Not to mention the company he keeps - these guys sound like complete pricks.

Don’t you want a partner who adores and defends you? You deserve much better, honestly. Don’t set the bar so low.

[Wishihadanalgorithm]

He is a pathetic shitty little man. Leave and don’t even bother with a Dear John. I’d block him as well. He deserves nothing other than his shitty mates.

[msflibble]

I don't think he sounds like a bad person but I do think he sounds spineless and immature, both for failing to tell his friends where the fuck to get off and in running to mummy rather than apologising like a grown man.

If he's 30 and still behaving like this he'll never change, you are doing the right thing in calling it off OP.

[DowntonCrabby]

Leave him. They all sound about 10 years old and he doesn’t sound remotely mature enough to become a Father.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

If he/ his friends belittle you know imagine what will it be like once you’re pregnant, give birth, soon after. They won’t stop then, it’ll be relentless and you’ll be more vulnerable.