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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Online dating in your 50's

990 replies

Fiftyandmore · 13/09/2020 22:08

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

OP posts:
Fiftyandmore · 28/09/2020 21:54

Oh it's so frustrating isn't it?! I'm going to see both my second dates through just so I can be absolutely sure - I don't know if that's unfair to the men involved, but when there are lots of pluses it's surely worth a try?

crimson I've had very few dates really, it just so happens that all three came along at once (like buses)! There are no more in the pipeline which is a bit depressing! One of them I quite liked the look of and thought he was funny, but in person he didn't look so good and wasn't at all funny! The other two I didn't think were particularly good looking but both seemed really nice in our online conversations, and were just as nice in person - but I didn't feel any attraction! Other people seem much better at converting conversations to dates.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 28/09/2020 22:54

Fiftyandmore, now you see this is where we are different.
You say two were not particularly good looking in their photos, seemed nice so you met them anyway.
This is where we differ, I am not expecting 'good looking' these days, however there has to be some attraction. If I am not remotely attracted I will not waste time meeting.
Some may say men do not know how to take a good photo, but you cannot make a silk purse out of a pigs ear so to speak.
They do say 'like attracts like' but I am quite horrified by the state of some of the men who message me.
I am certainly no model, but I am slim, not unattractive and people are shocked if they ever find out my age. Where am I going wrong :)

awishes · 28/09/2020 22:59

@crimsonlake
I am the same as you, maybe old is not the right fit for you and you need to meet someone in real life

rosabug · 28/09/2020 23:35

I've had tons of experience.

in my early 50s as part of an open relationship - so was looking for FWB.
and more recently in my late 50s as a single looking for a monogamous relationship.

The first experience was very different than the second and I approached dating as more of an adventure. I had some fun, met a couple of nice men and quite a lot of guys who were so driven by sex they are only pretending to see your humanity.

The second round was ok. Because of my previous experience I stuck to Guardian Soul Mates (now closed down) and kept away from the big site - tinder etc. Think I had about 7 dates. I'm a creative so I wasn't looking for just anyone. This narrowed it down. Looking back it was okay, but I think I became downhearted very quickly at the age thing. Because of that, I think I was tending to project my fears onto contacts where I had no proof that was the issue.

What used to drive me absolutely batshit was the tiny age differential thing. So a man 55 would state he was looking for 42 - 51. I'd think 'what the fuck do those missing 4 years mean?' I sometimes asked men, most just said they hadn't thought about it. I even complained to the site about this lazy ageism. It really got to me and ruined my faith in the process.

I had one quite nice relationship with a guy 69 (though he was incredibly fit and strong) but ultimately not for me.

Interestingly I would sometimes attract alpha arts men (twice), but when they finally met me I think they realised I wasn't rich, hugely confident or vastly successful. So to add to that value statement another poster made - I think some men are looking for an equal status value match, rather than younger as 'value'.

As I am now 59 and have gained 10lb during covid I'm giving up. Not in a negative way, just not putting myself through it, when I believe it is not a good way for me (personally) to meet someone.

So I think if you're early 50s then it's worth a pop. But If you are going to do it, you need to re-set your beliefs and attitude. Treat dates as an adventure in meeting a new person. Don't dress up too much. Flatten romantic hope (it just puts you on the back foot subconsciously), but be generally positive. Don't text and message endlessly. Yes it is a numbers game. Follow instincts - don't wait around for replies etc. Move on and don't ruminate on whys and wherefores. They will be texting lots of other people - so if there are large spaces between messages to you that's probably why - dump. If their answers are getting shorter than yours - they are less interested - dump. Basically don't let hope lead (the feminine booby trap) - let common sense, instinct and self-belief lead. Take a break as soon as you feel your confidence dipping. From experience, I've learned that when your confidence starts to dip - it gets worse, and you stop making good decisions.

Alternatively you could all try this: Re-tune to the world around you. Go fishing so to speak. Use your eyes. Most people don't know they fancy you until you make it a possibility. Ask your friends if they have single friends. Be flirtatious, etc etc.

That's what I'm going to do for the remainder of my single life. I think I might have more chance local fishing than deep sea fishing, so to speak.

TiggerDatter · 29/09/2020 08:24

Re attraction from photographs: I worked on the principle that if the photo didn’t make me want to poke my own eyes out, it may be worth a shot. By this I mean, no sad eyes in lorry cabs, incompetent angles, fish, beer, clearly ancient photo, scruffy habitat. They must smile. But if the pictures were gorgeous and I actually fancied them, they were probably players or catfish.

One guy I’ve had an on/off relationship with honestly looked like a little old man in his photos, but messaging was funny and sweet so I met him. Goodness me. I fancied the pants off him, still do, and he’d forgotten to mention he is 6’2”, but he takes the worst photo ever.

WeWantTheFinestWines · 29/09/2020 10:43

There has to be something in the photos to stop you in your tracks. If not good looking, then interesting, or quirky or something that makes you have a read. I am increasingly fussy and will subsequently probably end up old and alone. No matter how handsome someone is - if they have written nothing, they get swiped left. If they have written badly, they get swiped left. If they have written well, but include phrases like "looking for a lady to spoil", "no dramas", "why swipe right and not message?", "back here again", "is there anyone normal out there?", "no gold diggers" or "just ask" - swiped left.

As I said - old and alone. But at least not stuck with an idiot.

Daftapath · 29/09/2020 11:27

I'm less concerned about looks and have swiped left on quite a few who just seemed too good looking.

I agree on the 'woe is me' type messages. Also immediately swipe left to anyone who mansplains that the little wimin must message first (bumble), has photos in bed, photos with them puckering up, looking for their princess, wants someone petite/slim/flexible ...

Positives would be a someone with a bit of humour, self deprecating, professional, clear photos (disguised or obscured pics usually means married), lives not too far away, doesn't want more children ...

I am definitely more attracted to personality rather than looks. I would hope that the person I am meeting would also feel the same way

hotchocolatey · 29/09/2020 12:11

I had a lovely phone call with someone I messaged on a dating site. Then there were a few more messages in which he wanted to talk about sexual stuff.

Why do they try it on like this? They must get messages from lots of women just wanting a shag. Not judging by the way, OK if you both want that.

I don't like sexting before I've met someone and the messages have stopped now. I'm disappointed as he seemed nice and we had things in common.

Oh well a date at the weekend would have been nice but onwards and upwards.

Fiftyandmore · 29/09/2020 17:02

@TiggerDatter

Re attraction from photographs: I worked on the principle that if the photo didn’t make me want to poke my own eyes out, it may be worth a shot. By this I mean, no sad eyes in lorry cabs, incompetent angles, fish, beer, clearly ancient photo, scruffy habitat. They must smile. But if the pictures were gorgeous and I actually fancied them, they were probably players or catfish.

One guy I’ve had an on/off relationship with honestly looked like a little old man in his photos, but messaging was funny and sweet so I met him. Goodness me. I fancied the pants off him, still do, and he’d forgotten to mention he is 6’2”, but he takes the worst photo ever.

I agree completely with your first paragraph @TiggerDatter.
OP posts:
Fiftyandmore · 29/09/2020 19:25

I'm sorry that happened @hotchocolatey. It's so disappointing when you think you're on to something promising and it all fizzles out for no discernible reason. I don't understand the early sexting either, especially if the first few messages haven't been suggestive in any way.

OP posts:
crimsonlake · 29/09/2020 19:30

I have been on old going on 10 years ever since I divorced. I have seen it all and I know what I am looking for and will not settle.
In the early days looking back I was like some of you, if they past muster I would meet. As you become more experienced you do become more selective.
Going back in time I could even clock up a few dates a week and entertained friends with all my stories.
I have had a couple of relationships in that time, one was too soon after my divorce and the other is the only one where there was that spark and we still speak to this day.
Once I was in the over 55 years old bracket messages became less frequent and I started to find I was now getting attraction from men who looked like they could be my grandfather.
I disagree that it is hard to find attraction in a photograph. I am not looking for 'good looks' as that is subjective anyway. I just want to find something that appeals to me, whether it be a smile or an expression, including the written word of course.
As I have mentioned before I very rarely message first as I do not have the motivation nor energy to scroll through hundreds of profiles.
I am happy as I am but it would be nice to have occasional companionship and a bit of sex.

Hillfarmer · 29/09/2020 19:30

Bit of a lurker, as I know OLD would be the absolute worst thing for my 55 year-old self-esteem, but I love every brave woman on this thread. You make me proud! Star

Frenchlady14 · 29/09/2020 19:51

I actually posted this in the online dating thread but just saw this for us over-50 ladies - sorry I've cut and pasted because it's so long ..

Can I join in? I've been reading the thread for ages. I live in rural France and am in my 50's. I've been on so many bad dates and dated someone for 9 months who was a bit controlling but believe me its difficult out here in the french countryside. I finished with him and then he stalked me badly - I had to change my locks and finally report him to the Police - just awful. Then I had a break for a while and just got back into it. Had another couple of bad dates then met someone who ticked all my boxes but he is Dutch and we had a really nice couple of dates and the last one went really well. He drove an hour each time to see me and asked if we could be 'dating' properly and I was so pleased. Had a nice sexy kiss by my car and I thought finally I'd found someone. He was so invested and lovely. Then sadly his mum died and he had to go back to Holland and sort everything out. Kept messaging me throughout although not as much which I understand. Was supposed to be back in France today and messaged me at the weekend to say how much he was looking forward to seeing me. Then this morning - he messaged and told me that he had met an old girlfriend at the funeral and decided to get back together and is selling his house in France and moving back sad

I'm in a state and I can't believe I invested so much so early. I KNOW the rules and I let myself believe in it and now I feel so stupid. On our lovely date he said he would never move back, that he loved it here and now he had met someone and was really excited for the future and I bought into it. I should give my head a wobble. It was only a couple of dates but I feel so down about it all. I'm working from home and I could barely operate today.

Thanks for reading if you got this far.

crimsonlake · 29/09/2020 20:04

Frenchlady14, oh dear, firstly allow yourself time to wallow today, but tomorrow try to put it behind you and say'next' if you can face it.
It sounds as if he was 'love bombing' you to a certain extent, something that you need to read up about.
Think of it as a lucky escape, you would not really want to be with a man long term who can behave like that. This time next week you will be saying she is welcome to him.

Frenchlady14 · 29/09/2020 20:35

Crimsonlake thanks so much for replying lovely. I've wallowed all day but decided to get a grip. It might be because I've been working from home for so long and it was such a great chemistry and so promising. Not far away (for once). Really nice attractive and funny man and we had such a nice time together. I'm annoyed with myself for getting so invested so quickly - must be my state of mind - I'll tread more carefully in the future. But I live in a quite remote area of France and there are very few choices. Still - maybe one day - otherwise its me and Netflix and the cat!

hotchocolatey · 30/09/2020 06:57

@Frenchlady14 I hope you are feeling more cheery today. Will you keep trying with the dating when you are ready?

Fiftyandmore · 01/10/2020 18:11

@Frenchlady14 I'm so sorry that happened to you. How are you feeling now? It's not your fault that you believed him - it's very easy to be beguiled and to want to believe what you're hearing. I think sometimes they really believe what they're saying at the time that they say it, but then real life intervenes and throws things into a different light.

Last night was my second date with dd's friend's dad. He's such a lovely man - it was raining so he came to the door with an umbrella, he was complimentary but not sleazy, he's a good conversationalist and a good listener, he's interesting and has lots of interests. But - you all know what's coming! - I didn't fancy him. I really don't know what to do, he wants to see me again and I don't know if agreeing would be fair or not. Am I too old to expect physical attraction now? I wasn't last year when I had that intense relationship but that was then, this is now!

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Frenchlady14 · 01/10/2020 18:47

Hi Fiftyandmore Thank you. I'm ok just wallowing a bit - I think when you are in your fifties you tend to be a bit more careful as you kind of feel you've seen it all and done it all. I have been on a few dates like yours - perfectly nice men - interesting and interested - but - you know very quickly that you don't feel the attraction but then decide to give it maybe another date - hoping that something might happen to make you look at him in a different light and start fancying him or even see a glimmer of possibility. But you've answered your own question really - you did feel a great attraction for someone (as did I sadly) and you need to be able to feel it. Otherwise, any kind of physical contact is a bit toe-curling. The times that I have been so cross with myself that I just don't feel it have been so many, but there is absolutely no getting past it I'm afraid. That is why it's so soul-destroying when you do meet someone and it all seems so perfect and you project a lot of what you want onto that. Then for some reason or another it doesn't work out and that seems so unfair. OLD is a brutal game in my opinion - I get tired of it and stop and then when I feel a bit stronger, I give it another go - but I'm running out of heart for it all. It's up to you to decide to give it another try, but if you know - you know. The events of this year haven't helped any of us - it all seems so worrying and it would be so nice to have a relationship with someone - especially when everyone else is settled. Good luck - but be kind to yourself. Your heart doesn't listen to your head, however much you try xx

Fiftyandmore · 02/10/2020 11:01

@Frenchlady14 morning :). Thank you for your message - very wise and makes perfect sense. I do agree really that you know almost immediately if there's going to be a physical connection - but I did once meet someone years and years ago who I didn't fancy in the least. He looked like George Roper (from George and Mildred - showing my age!). I can't quite remember how it happened now but we ended up seeing each other for a few months and the sex was incredible! So I guess I have that at the back of my mind when thinking about Wednesday night's man.

How are you feeling today? I hope you're feeling a bit better. Totally agree with you that OLD is brutal and confidence sapping! I'm a bit envious of you being in France, I love a french accent! Can I ask how you ended up there?

Hope everyone is ok and that we all have a good weekend. No dates for me coming up so keen to hear everyone else's stories!

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hotchocolatey · 02/10/2020 12:09

@Fiftyandmore - George Roper - that made me laugh!

You never know if you will fancy someone or not from their photos. I met someone from OLD quite a few years ago who didn't have great photos. I was blown away when I saw him in person. Last year I had a date with a very good looking guy and we didn't click at all.

No dates lined up for me this weekend. Hope you all have a good one

Applefairy · 02/10/2020 13:04

Just to say I love this thread and everything you are all saying is so true. I can relate to so many of these experiences.

It’s quite tough as you feel like you want to be open to opportunities to meet someone, but then when you let yourself be vulnerable and dare to let your guard down to fancy someone (which doesn’t happen a lot) the fallout can be devastating when it doesn’t work out.

crimsonlake · 02/10/2020 17:10

Fiftyandmore, this is the secret to why you are getting dates if you agree to go out with a George Roper lookalike :)
In the early days of old I did something similar, in fact I think he was the first date I ever had so I suppose I had no expectations then as I do now.
He was really kind, but physically he did nothing for me although I did go on to have a short relationship with him. To be honest the sex was good at the time, although it probably was more the excitement of being in bed with someone new after a fairly long marriage.
Another one springs to mind, I did the usual seeing him more than once as he was perfectly nice, but again no attraction. However on the third meeting he grabbed hold of me as we met and went in for a kiss. Actually it was pretty good and suddenly I felt differently. After a coupleof drinks and meals out I suspected he was quite mean with money. Disappeared to the loo a couple of times when the bill appeared for coffee etc. Tightfistedness is something I cannot abide so he was dumped.
For some reason I have been quite popular this week, but mainly with completely unappealing men who look like my grandfather again.
I am vaguely chatting to two of them. One appears very materialistic posting photos of his holiday home by the sea in the Outer Hebridies and his sports car :) He took two days to respond to my reply so I am mirroring his messaging and so he is still waiting.
Another whilst not terribly appealing is not coming across as very interesting despite his well written profile.
Since I am in regional lockdown in the unlikely event one of them might want to meet it would not be possible.
Frenchlady, you sound in a better frame of mind already. If he comes crawling back I hope you tell him where to go.

Techway · 02/10/2020 17:35

Love this thread! In the past it was often said men aged better than women but not sure if that is the case any longer. I struggle to find most of the men attractive although I have met a few who are better in real life.
Attraction is so complex as I think as you get older you are much more aware of important factors that are necessary for long-term relationship plus you get better at spotting the warning signs. The tight man who doesn't pay for coffee might have been overlooked in naive youth but not any more.

So I have had lots of dates with perfectly ok men, rarely felt I wanted a 2nd date. I am chatting to a few but trying not to be too hopeful. I plan breaks in OLD as it can too much absorb time, looking for that unique man who might not exist on OLD

crimsonlake · 02/10/2020 18:16

Techway, my issue is that I do not spend enough time on old and never search and browse. I pop on as and when to check for messages.
Men do not age better than women, fact. Women certainly take much better care of themselves, whilst most men seem to go to the dogs.
As I have said previously in all my time spent on old I have only met the one person I felt that spark and attraction to. Although strangely enough he annoyed me on our first meeting and I went home fuming. The fuming turned to passion and we still keep in touch and meet occasionally.
I have yet another one lacking the spark who has turned in to a friend who I keep in regular touch with.
Again a really nice man, but no spark there for me. Every conversation had to be in depth and meaningful and over analyzed. It was too tiresome and when you are sitting next to someone and hoping they do not try to make a move to kiss you you know it is not going to work.

Frenchlady14 · 03/10/2020 08:49

Hi everyone

I'm so pleased to be on the thread. I was talking to a friend that has done years of online dating about Mr Dutchman and she pointed out so many red flags and said she thought he'd been lying from the very beginning. I can see it now and it's actually made me feel better, so that I haven't lost a potentially great relationship but in fact dodged a bullet as it looks like he may have been married or had a long-term girlfriend and was just looking for a hook-up (at 66 - fgs!!) Anyway, blocked deleted and consigned to the past. If we are all in our fifties (and I've also got a 30 year marriage behind me) - we weren't aware of red flags and all this game-playing as such. I think with OLD, the next swipe can be better looking, slimmer, more attractive than the person you are talking to and that is the problem - it is the technological form of looking over your shoulder. If you remember Blind Date with our Cilla - very very few of those turned out to be anything serious in the end. It's all so random. As for living in France, although I speak French it is very difficult to date French men. You don't get the nuances or chat easily if it's not your first language and they don't know about the Clangers Grin but seriously, it's very hard work. And as for British men over here they tend to be divorced and bitter, drink too much and want to replace their wives with someone to look after them. Sorry for the generalisation but sadly true. Still - I remain hopeful - if slightly wounded. As should all of us x