Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

In purely reproductive terms, it is true. But obviously in every other sense, it’s damning!

I’ve dated online in my 30’s and 40’s, in between various relationships. Now I’m 50 I’m done with it tbh. Nobody tells the truth about their intentions. Half of them are already attached. The ones that aren’t either want to just play around or come on all heavy. Even FWB are not found easily, not a good one. Most men will focus only on their on pleasure, or they just want to sleep with you once or twice and move on to the next, or they want to act out all their porn fantasies. Honestly, FWB can work with a good, decent man maybe. Most men online are looking for free sex and don’t give a shit about the person. I’m sick of all the messages like “do you live alone?” (Dead giveaway that they’re only after one thing) or “are you feeling horny” etc etc, usually when we’ve been talking about something ordinary like hobbies! I’ve reached a point where I am happy to be alone, unless maybe I meet someone through work or something, where I already have some idea of what kind of person they are. To be blunt if I need a sexual release I’ll use a vibrator (and it would be more satisfying than sex with most of the men I’ve slept with!). I know I sound very negative and some people do manage to find someone decent but it’s a lottery and I personally can’t be bothered to play it any more!

Vibrators are all very good but ultimately I want a man to fuck. But, I plan to have very strict rules and boundaries, and thankfully (with age) I've developed an ability to know how to ask for what I want. I can't stand it when men go through their sexual repertoire and keep changing positions every couple of minutes in one session, so won't be allowing that. I also expect a decent amount of good foreplay so there'll be no rushing unless I want to. There is no point me getting involved with anyone unless they are enhancing my life; if the sex is rubbish they'll be dumped, and I like to find out if we're sexually compatible very early on before getting emotionally involved.

Oh god that market value theory is depressing. I mean it's no surprise at all that some men think that way, but it's really depressing. I have 3 boys and I would be absolutely horrified if I thought that was their attitude to women/relationships. I also have a daughter who is very confident and very articulate and who takes her brothers to task over every little misdemeanour - so anything they haven't learnt from me and dh, I imagine she's drilled it into them! She's also very open about things like periods and body hair etc so I'm hopeful that my boys will be good supportive appreciative loving partners.

And speaking of good supportive appreciative partners - where are they all?! Had a quick browse on the apps earlier and am feeling decidedly uninspired. Candida you sound brill - I really hope you find what you're looking for, and that you'll tell me where you found him!

Meruem I feel a bit despondent too but I don't want to be alone for ever so I guess the only option is to keep looking. I'd much prefer to meet someone in rl but realistically can't see that happening now.

moving where did you find your gem?!

I've had days when I feel it's fruitless. After my date last Wednesday when yet again I didn't fancy the date I spent the evening just on the apps and got very fed up about it all.

But I did meet a lovely guy last year and I have quite a friends who have met their partners online too so they are out there. I follow Matthew Hussey on Instagram (would love to date him!) and he says if you give up looking, you could be missing out on finding someone who makes you very happy.

I've taken a more relaxed approach since the weekend, focused on other things at the weekend and in the evenings and gone on the apps less, I feel better for it and have had more messages/matches. Probably a coincidence and they might not come to anything but I do feel better for it.

@Fiftyandmore

Oh god that market value theory is depressing. I mean it's no surprise at all that some men think that way, but it's really depressing. I have 3 boys and I would be absolutely horrified if I thought that was their attitude to women/relationships. I also have a daughter who is very confident and very articulate and who takes her brothers to task over every little misdemeanour - so anything they haven't learnt from me and dh, I imagine she's drilled it into them! She's also very open about things like periods and body hair etc so I'm hopeful that my boys will be good supportive appreciative loving partners.

And speaking of good supportive appreciative partners - where are they all?! Had a quick browse on the apps earlier and am feeling decidedly uninspired. Candida you sound brill - I really hope you find what you're looking for, and that you'll tell me where you found him!

Hi fifty , yes the Sexual market market theory Is depressing but I think it’s important to understand that although biology is used as an excuse for men’s desire for younger women , primarily it’s social conditioning from Millenia of men holding power and women being seen as chattels.! It’s only a theory and there are others that completely debunk and oppose it . Such as women’s biological need for ‘ the best seed ‘ would also have us choosing younger men due to higher sperm quality ( yes men’s sperm becomes much mode likely to produce faults after 40 - a fact not much talked about - surprise surprise ) or the fact that biologically women would be more likely to favour polyamourous or even polygamous relationships where Men / sperm compete and they thereby reproduce the best offspring . Of course mysogynistic ideas throughout history have long talked about women choosing one man , the best man to father their child however through history men often didn’t even stick around My point is that the idea older women are worth less or less attractive is one that is manufactured and happens coincidentally at a time when most women start to really know what they are looking for and will and won’t accept . Many men looking for younger women are doing so because they have been taught that younger is be better , people will see them as winning ‘ a prize ‘ and they will be ‘ the man ‘ not because of some biological imperative There are connections there in a society that has benefited from the disempowerment of women So don’t get too down . I’m not at all convinced and neither are many others about this rubbish sexual market theory. Some men , and women , will be socialised I go it of course and believe it but they are not the men you want in your life Don’t give up , there are decent intelligent people out there who think and stretch beyond the advertising and messages that flood us daily . You will meet the right person with perserverance

I was chatting to 2 men. With the first one we were chatting for several weeks and it got to the point where it has stopped because he doesn't want to meet up and I don't want a text buddy. He had mentioned meeting up but no plans were made.

With the second one the texts are in frequent and he hasn't suggested meeting up. Not sure if I dare suggest a coffee. Usually when men are interested they will ask.

@VivaVegas I follow Matthew Hussey but I think a lot of it is common sense. Setting boundaries and valuing yourself are things I am working on.

I found OLD to be a boring, soulless experience.

The majority of men I came across were players/liars/not single/unable to string a sentence together/casual sex seekers and there was way too much misogyny and verbal abuse flying around when rejecting someone.

Most guys made little effort to seduce and flirt, it was just a basic race to find sex.

I think OLD probably works better for younger people but frankly when you are in your 40s/50s the majority of the guys on there are just not very appealing.

@Fiftyandmore I agree OLD can be a soulless experience. Ways of meeting chaps are limited for me. I know people suggest hobbies, courses, social events. Tried those not to just meet men but to meet people generally. No luck.

I've posted before about this, I was one of the lucky ones.
Joined OLD in March 2018 three years after my divorce. I had 3 or 4 dates that led nowhere, a handful of initial phone calls that went nowhere either and rejected a lot of weirdos before they even got to that stage.

Met fab DP on POF in the June, both very happy ever since. Can honestly say, I've never met anyone whose quirks suit mine like this

@marriednotdead that's lovely. It is all down to luck. I know people who have met partners online.

@hotchocolatey
Thanks, I know a few as well. I helped a nice ex who'd become a friend search for someone new in the days before t'internet. Do you remember the small adds when you'd ring premium rate numbers to listen to their bio and leave a voice mail?! I wrote his ad and bio, then vetted his voicemails. He married the third one and last I heard they were still blissfully happy, their silver anniversary must be coming up

I always try to post on threads like this to give people some hope! (If you read some of my posts from when I was married you'd see how much I deserved a break).

Yes, I remember those back in the day lol.

Thanks for your post married - you're right, it is encouraging to hear stories like yours.

hotchocolatey I agree with you about if men are interested they'll ask. But my rl friend who has so many dates does a lot of asking, and although she hasn't found The One, nearly all of them want to see her again. My Dd says I should bite the bullet and ask too but I'm not sure. It's not that I have any objections as such to making the first move, it's more that I think if they're keen they'll do it.

What do other folks on thread think?

I made the first contact with DP...

Ah - maybe I should follow suit then!

Great to see a thread like this for older women.
Fiftyandmore, I agree with you...if they are interested they will initiate contact. I cannot muster the energy spending hours pouring over endless profiles to search men out and message. I have been doing old for so long may be that is where I am going wrong? Neverthless I cannot bring myself to be proactive. It is not as if the 'quality' is out there anyway. On a recent thread someone described the men over 50 as 'potatoes' I have to really agree.

I often message first but haven't asked anyone out for a coffee ... yet.

The guy I'm chatting to doesn't seem that interested anyway. Not many messages so I'm not going to initiate contact again.

Good to hear positive stories, I too have several friends who have met their current partners OLD in their 40s and 50s.

I have messaged first but not always and where I've been messaging someone for about a week if they haven't suggested meeting up I will. As I've had dates where there is no attraction in person I won't spend weeks messaging without arranging to meet.

Several times recently when Ive suggested meeting they just disappear and the other we met. If they disappear at least you're not getting your hopes up as they clearly had no intention of meeting.

It’s sometimes worth messaging first - your profile is lost in a sea of other profiles if you’re on one of the non swipe sites. If there’s a guy you think is interesting, he may not even be aware you exist, such are the numbers online.

My latest experience....
Found someone vaguely decent for a change, a few messages exchanged, although he was slow to reply which obviously is a red flag straight away.
Surprisingly asked if I would consider meeting up which is unusual these days. Agreed, but suggested an initial call first...he suggested 10.30pm??
Settled on a daytime call only to ring at agreed time and he did not answer the phone. Seconds later I received a text saying he could not answer as he was late for work. Strange considering suggested the time? I have not heard from him since which is just as well as it would not be going any further with me, but what is wrong with these men? Nothing, nothing surprises me anymore.

Sounds like he is with someone else @crimsonlake. He’s just one piss poor bloke though - what was it made you see him as decent ?

Ah crimson I'm sorry you've had a disappointing experience again. You do right not to take it to heart though. Is it necessarily a red flag do we think if replies are slow coming? Because I often reply quite slowly myself if I'm busy or at work or something.

Hairy you're take on messaging first is interesting - now I'm in a quandary as to whether I should or I shouldn't!

Anyway my dd has collided with a friend of hers to set me up with her dad tomorrow! We're meeting for a drink at lunchtime and then potentially going on his boat . It would be such a huge relief if this went somewhere so all these horrid OLD issues could be avoided. I've seen his pic though and although I'm assured he's very nice, I'm not feeling any initial attraction. I'll think positive though!