Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

Lots of errors sorry! Your not you're, and colluding not colliding!

Hello! I am also OLD for the first time ever at a similar age to you all. I signed up during lockdown as I thought it would be a safe time to start chatting to people without having to actually meet up yet! The first week was such a huge learning curve

What sites are you all on? I am on Bumble and it is up to the women to message first so that cuts out the quandary as to whether one should or not!

Also on Hinge and have sooo many 20somethings looking for their Mrs Robinson!

Have also chatted to and met a couple of nice men. Most have gone by the wayside for various reasons. I have found that each one teaches me a bit more about what I don't want and what I am willing to put up with which I suppose is a good thing, even if they are not 'the one'.

I’m 58 and have been OLD for 5months. I’ve met up with about 3 perfectly nice men but there was no chemistry.
I was recently contacted by 3 possibles and because I can’t be faffed with checking the site too often, wrote back giving them my number and suggesting they give me a buzz.

1 called the next day. He was really nice but lives in Spain so that wasn’t much use. He’s WhatsApped about 5 times since but it’s pointless unless I’m looking for a pen pal.

The second just sent a ‘hi how are you’ text, so he obviously just wanted a pen pal too.

The third, the most promising has messaged, also sent a ‘voice note’ 🙄 (always think these are only used by people who want to blather on without being interrupted). I’ve replied to 4 very general messages from him altogether and now he texts ‘when is a good time to call?’.

TBH, I’m exhausted with it now, just pick up the phone or don’t - I could say I’m free this evening but it’s all beginning to feel like a job interview and I think I’ll leave it.

The SMV theory is more complex than some posters here give it credit for. The SMV of women is predicated mainly on youth and beauty. A young woman is going to have a high SMV even if she's of average or even below average looks.

Men's SMV is more complex. A young good looking man will have a high SMV, but he has to be very good looking, average looking won't cut it. But men can compensate for age, to a limited extent, with increased wealth and status in a way women can't. But only to a limited extent.

Anyhow the pool of men on OLD who seem interested in you what you have to work with. Maybe give the ones you are just a bit attracted to a chance? And contact some first yourself.

@Scott72 thank god you came on to mansplain that for us and to tell us that we only have the pool of men who are also old to play with

I'd agree about making the first contact. I did this with someone I dated a couple of years ago. By the way he is 5 years younger than me and I am in my early 50s. I think women in their 40s are more confident and comfortable in their own skin and this is what makes them appealing.

And women in their 50s I should add

I'm reading as I'm early 50s. I'm thinking I'm going to start with dating next year. I'm very overweight, and am currently working on shifting that for my benefit, and I'm finding I feel much more comfortable about myself as I go. I know dating can be brutal at times, so I feel that getting to a point of feeling great about myself will help buffer the crap I'm sure I'll get at times.

A fwb might be fine, as long as the sex is good. I've spent 3 years after leaving an abusive relationship working on myself, and my self esteem is so much better than before, when it was rock bottom.

What doesn't help is that I did very little dating before I got involved with my ex, so the whole dating scene is unfamiliar. Oh well, it'll be an experience.

@MulticolourMophead - it sounds like you are doing great after having a shit time. Well done you.

FWB wouldn't work for me especially once the oxytocin kicks in. It can work for other people though. If it's what you want go for it.

@hotchocolatey It was a shit time. But, as they say, the best revenge is living well, so dating will absolutely rub his nose in it if he saw me with someone.

Mophead you sound very determined and positive - good on you. I'm so glad you're feeling better about yourself, and really encouraged to hear that you're doing this all for you. Really wish you well.

I don't really know how to date either after a long and happy marriage. It's all so different to how it used to be. I know this might sound smug and I promise it's not my intention, but dh was such a wonderful man and I feel that my expectations are too high because of that :( Will I ever find someone with his integrity and bravery who feels the same way as he did? Hard to imagine, however some of the positive stories on here give me hope!

[quote Daftapath]@Scott72 thank god you came on to mansplain that for us and to tell us that we only have the pool of men who are also old to play with [/quote]
Imo Scott72 likes to make older women feel like crap and promote how wonderful and beautiful younger women are . Don’t believe me , look back over some of the older stuff they have posted about older women and SMV Don’t feed into it and just ignore would be my advice .

Having said I am not keen on OLD in a previous post I was bored this morning so have signed up to Datingover50s. Just for a month so if its not for me then I've only lost £30.

Have received a message from a nice looking bloke so lets see where that goes. It seems odd chatting to a stranger by message but I suppose I need to get with the times

Hi all I am early 50's
OLD is a bit grim .... I am on Tinder, Match and Bumble.
I have had 2 short term relationships from Tinder & met some people that were nice enough just no spark. I agree it is exhausting many just disappear / want a pen pal or don't message .......
I signed up to Match recently but wished I hadn't bothered !
@Feelingfree i hope it goes well it only takes one person!

Can I ask what you do if you receive a nice message from someone you are really not interested in. This is why I struggle with OLD, I feel a bit mean just ignoring them but I don’t want to start up a chat or meet them. Is it assumed that no reply in 24 hours is a no?

HairuArsedMan, well he could spell and write in complete sentences :)
Fiftyandmore, I do not sit on old waiting for replies but waiting 24 hrs between messaging is pushing it somewhat.
I have been old for some 8 years now so have certainly seen it all. I have had a couple of relationships which did not last as I was never looking to move someone in to the family home with my children. In all that time there has only ever really been that spark with one and we are friends to this day, although I could never spent my life with him. As I have got older it has got much slower, I probably roll out for a meet up once an year now.

@Feelingfree I ignore most of the messages I receive if I am not interested. It works both ways.

If someone has taken the time to write a really nice message and I'm not interested I might write back to thank them and say we live too far apart or whatever but wish them all the best.

@Feelingfree it depends on why I'm not interested, I think. If it's age, I ignore (mostly the teens/20/30 somethings).

If it's distance, I have chatted to a couple and, in fact, I'm chatting to someone now who is very funny but lives quite a way away (I had been staying near him so Bumble picked up I was there). I doubt we will ever meet but I am enjoying the chat. I guess it depends on what you are looking for and how dogged you feel you want to be.

I do want a relationship at some point but friendship and laughter is good for me too.

Hello, how has everyone's weekend been? I feel really unsettled tonight for some reason and a bit despondent. I had a completely lovely day yesterday with the date that dd and her friend set up with the friend's dad. Lovely man, easy to get along with, good company - but I wasn't attracted to him at all. He'd like to meet again and I don't know what to do.

Re messaging those I'm not interested in - at first I messaged back to everybody as it felt rude not to do so. But now, like hotchocolatey, I ignore unless someone's taken the time to write a really nice message.

@Fiftyandmore sorry you are feeling despondent. I'm feeling a bit like that with the online dating. No one with profiles I find attractive has been in touch for a while.

With your last date I guess it depends if you are the kind of person that is usually immediately attracted to someone or if it takes a while to like them. Do you think an attraction is likely?

I am 54, separated from long term partner 3 years ago, decided to start OLD last year. Meet a lovely man on pof, first time I'd had sex for years and it was brilliant. Only lasted 3 months but was lots of fun. Then I met a man on Tinder who I went out with for a year but he broke my heart (he couldn't help it and was as kind af he could be) about 6 weeks ago. Went back on Tinder last weekend and had a first phone chat with someone this morning who was brilliant fun. We are meeting later this week.

So this is what I've learnt - about Tinder anyway:

Put in your profile what YOU want, sound positive, smile in your photos. Don't worry about whether you are what they want - that's their problem.

Swept left on almost everyone. There are so many miserable, bitter, angry, hideous men out there at our age. Be ruthless.

Don't pay to see who has liked you - if you liked them, you would have matched, if you didn't like them, who cares if they liked you?

Meet them asap - if they don't suggest it, then suggest it to them, what have you got to lose? If they don't want to, they weren't interested in the first place.

Prepare to be ghosted. Don't take it personally.

Never forget that you're the prize.

@Fiftyandmore - my friend went out with a bloke from work. She said the same thing - not my type, not attracted him etc. She decided to go on another date anyway. This was a few years ago and they are getting married next year. Give it another go - you never know

Thanks for your message WeWant - you sound as if you're doing really well! I haven't tried Tinder but may give it a go in the next couple of weeks.

Hotchocolatey and FeelingFree thanks for your takes on my man from yesterday. I do think I'm the sort of person who knows more or less straight away if I'll ever be attracted. The problem is that in the last 30 years, I've only been attracted to dh and to the man I saw after dh died. So the odds aren't good for finding someone else! Based on your advice, I have just accepted another date with yesterday's man - I hope I'm not doing him a disservice :(. I really can't see it but he was so nice in every other way.

This is fascinating reading! Not brave enough to do OLD at the moment but will try to pluck up courage...

Op, hope your next date with yesterday's man goes well.

Fiftyandmore, in my experience if you are not attracted on the first date, the second meet up will only confirm that instantly. However I hope I am wrong in your case.