Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

@HairyArsedMan oh I really hope it goes well - keep us posted!

No not swamped (i wish!) I don't get many messages on Match. I met one chap for a coffee before Lockdown he was local and turned up looking really scruffy, I found him really dull. I have messages from those young enough to be my son, those that can't spell and a splattering of really arrogant messages.

My friend met someone on Match (she's not in London if that makes a difference) still going strong. She had a fab profile - I would have dated her !

When I first joined I went through it & liked some people, most did not like me back - fair enough. I now go on it for a couple of minutes most days and just see who has liked me to see if it would be mutual. Many have no pictures. I never message first or like first now.

I have been told I should be more 'fluffy' . I don't know why I find it so hard to write something about myself ! I am sure a bio would help so I may take you up on your offer if you don't mind.

I would suggest to be proactive on there @confused000 - there are huge amounts of profiles and if you’re just picking up the ones that like you and who message you, I would say you’re not seeking out who or what -you- like, or maybe drawing from a pool populated with the overconfident or deluded. Use the search facility for your nonnegotiable things - the search will mean you also get emails about new people when they enter the search category.

I wouldn’t worry about a fluffy profile - just present yourself authentically and positively. There are gazillions of generic fluffy profiles on there and they are so, so middle of the road.

@confused000, yay for positivity! What other sites are you on? I would think a bio makes a difference. I am not keen on men who don't bother with a bio as most of the men I have spoken to are wary of scammers as had contact from fake profiles. Try a bio and see if it makes a difference.

Do you see a surprisingly amount of men, late 40s/50s who say they want children? I always wonder if it's genuine or just an attempt to attract younger women.

I tend to avoid men with no bio on their profiles because it just makes it much harder work to come up with an amusing opener. I like to allude to something they have said in their bio or in a photo. Without any information to go on, I often move on. It gives the impression that they can't be bothered to make an effort so I feel as though there is no point in me making an effort for them.

Another option is to change your settings and have a quick look at some of the women on there and see what they say in their bios. Not sure if that is possible but I did it once. Was interesting.

@Techway I am also rather bemused by the men who say they are interested in having (more) children when in their 50's and beyond. I don't respond to them either as clearly they are hoping for a young thing who wants the same.

I have a second walking date tomorrow with Mr No Car but he hasn't been in touch since last weekend apart from to respond to a query about whether he preferred to change our meet to today. I feel if he was really interested he would have made an effort to message during the week. He did say initially that he wasn't good with messaging. It's a shame because he was good company. Will see what tomorrow brings ..

Thank you what you all say makes sense!

I will take the plunge, write a bio & be more proactive.

It will be so nice meet everyone in RL as you all sound so lovely.

@Daftapath I know what you mean but I also think it's such a weird time at the moment & some just don't like messaging. I really hope it goes well.

@Daftapath, I think a confirmation text that today is still on would be reasonable. He may just be quite experienced with OLD and learned that there is little point texting often until you actually meet.

@confused000 it will be interesting to see whether you get better/more matches once you have written a bio. Do you have to pay on Match or is there a no pay version similar to other sites?

I wonder if those who prefer to meet during the week have children that come to stay at weekends? I would actually prefer a weekday meet so I can be around for the dcs at the weekend, not that they really need me to be. I'm not busy work wise though.

Heard from Mr No Car to arrange a rendezvous point last night. We hadn't actually arranged where to meet just where we would walk so one of us had to! Woke up to a message this morning that he doesn't feel well and is going to isolate. Thank goodness it didn't happen 24hrs later! Have wished him well and secretly delighted not to be going anywhere although it is a lovely day for a walk.

@HairyArsedMan are you chatting to your date for next weekend or waiting until you meet up? Do you feel that having a meet up arranged is enough to show an interest?

@Daftapath yes I pay for Match, I have paid for 6 months so I should probably be more proactive!

I think there may be lots on there that don't pay so they look around but can't message.

They have told me their children are adults. I work very long hours at the moment so I suppose meeting one lunchtime would make me stop and have a break from work which may not be a bad thing. That said I am not meeting one them until the end of next week he could disappear before then!

I am sorry about Mr No Car but as you say at least he told you he would not be turning up although a bit late in the day. Cancelling so late would put me off to be honest he would have known he was not feeling unwell yesterday (I assume). I would not message him again but then I am perhaps a bit harsh & need some more on line dating practise!

@Daftapath You have to pay on Match to message and see who has liked you. Not paying just allows you to see other profiles.

We are messaging @Daftapath but it is not fast and furious, just one or two a day. It is strange this period before meeting for the first time. There’s caution ... because you no-one wants to lead the other on and overcommit based on scanty knowledge. I hope most mature online daters understand this but you do read it a lot on these threads where no messaging ahead of a date is seen as disinterest/high flake potential/causes anxiety.

I like to keep in touch but not in an over the top way. I think it just depends on the pair of you ... I’ve asked before now how they feel about messaging before meeting, and other times the conversation has flowed all the way up to the date.

Ooh @HairyArsedMan good luck with your date x Your approach to messaging sounds wise and measured as ever.

I find people have widely different messaging styles. And sometimes the ones who bombard you with messages are the ones that end up the most flaky. I’ve learned not to make it all about me and fill their silence in my imagination with their disinterest. Sometimes it’s just their busy life. But if I always, always message first I do assume they are less keen than me.

I’m determinedly not chasing anyone at the moment and if that means one or two drop off that’s fine. But yeah, the mental load of second guessing can be wearying!

Dustymuse My problem with French men I think is that I am English of course and while I do speak French, it's not enough to chat and and flirt easily? There are so many nuances that don't translate. There would have to be a huge attraction to get through that. Although when one of my friends first came - she had no French and met a French man that had no English and now they're married with a 10 year old!! I have recently separated after a 33 year marriage and so not looking to settle right down immediately, just someone to go out and about with and spend time with. I live in rural France and the other problem is that France is so big that I might like the look of someone and his profile only to find out he lives four hours away. I too went out with a man who had Aspergers and I did really like him and although he was charming and intelligent and professional - he had no emotional language at all. We saw each other for about six months but however pleased he was to see me, he could never say he missed me or felt anything for me - it's hard to explain really but it made me feel strange. I thought eventually he would be able to show some kind of emotion but he told me he never would. So I had to make the decision to let it go but it was difficult. I like to think I would meet someone IRL but with everything going on and the fact that I live in a little village and wfh now, it's unlikely!! Still I live in hope xx

@confused000 it will be interesting to see if a different profile leads to different results.

@Frenchlady14 are you very rural? That must limit your options a bit? And I can imagine the nuances of language could present a few issues. I think I said before that the idea of a french man was very appealing to me for some reason but both you and Dusty seem to hold similar opinions!

I'd like nothing better than to meet someone in rl but just can't see it happening for me.@DustyMuse I need to come to your village for a bit, and you need to go and find your paragliding instructor again!

@WildestDreamsSunset nice to see you again. No, I'm not going to go out with Terry again - my dc keep saying "but Mum, he's so nice" and they're right. But he's not for me.

I was meant to go on a walking date yesterday - like you @Daftapath it was arranged about a week ago. The last message was from him saying he'd think of a place but he never got back to me. I wasn't really feeling it so I wasn't going to message to see if we were still on, and I kept hoping I wouldn't hear from him. And I didn't!

I have another one lined up for Thursday - this one was very keen and kept saying he couldn't wait that long, but he's gone quiet on me too. Again- I'm not too bothered, but I think I must learn to stop engaging and agreeing to dates with people I'm not that sold on. I think I do it because we always hear things like "you never know", "give him a chance", "try someone who's not your usual type" etc.

Things seem very quiet on the apps for me at the minute. Is anyone else finding the same or is it just me?!

I was going to put the dating on hold but got bored and I've unhidden my POF profile. I'm chatting to a couple of guys but they live quite far away.

I've been daydreaming about next summer when hopefully most people will have had the vaccine and we can go for dates at the pub.

@hotchocolatey I'm bored too! So bored. Generally I mean, not just today.

@Fiftyandmore it's a boring time overall.

I'm glad to be able to chat on this thread.

I haven’t been bored since I was a teenager but I really am now! My life just seems to have shrunk so I hardly recognise it, and I worry that when we’re finally released from this weird limbo, I’ll have got so used to it I won’t want to do anything.

On a positive note though, I’ve finally sorted my finances and finished clearing the disastrous mess my XH made of my garden. I’m even making a will and two lasting powers of attorney tomorrow. Woo!

@TiggerDatter you sound as if you're being very productive and sensible! I'm glad you've got on top of your finances. What did your ex-h do you your garden?!

I feel sorry for the young folk in these times but at least they'll still be young (hopefully!) when this is over. Life just feels flat at the minute and I'm trying hard to think optimistically about the future - but I must admit I'm struggling a bit just now! Plus - Sunday late afternoons and evenings are my least favourite times of the week.

I meant to say this earlier but has anyone noticed a distinct lack of a sense of humour in most profiles? I've realised that humour is more important to me than I knew, so I'm drawn to the funny profiles. They're few and far between though.

And I've also noticed that when I try to introduce humour into messaging, not many people catch on. Of course, that could be because I'm not funny but I prefer to think it's them not me! :)

I’m sure it’s them not you @Fiftyandmore!

XH is a sweetie in many ways but he had no real clue about gardening so planted things randomly, nearly all in the wrong places, then got all ‘green’ and let things get completely overgrown and entangled so it formed a ‘natural habitat’. In a suburban garden. Also he was a hoarder so never threw anything away, he used the overgrown crap as a screen to hide old baths and kitchen units and stuff! It’s taken me two full years (I work full time) to clear but I’m finally done 🥳.

My eldest DD is here for lockdown and we were chatting about men. We concluded they were either mad or boring as a species (sorry, @HairyArsedMan). Most of her friends are in the process of settling down with boring ones it seems (28/29). I married a mad one, was never ever bored but certainly got exhausted and exasperated enough to choose going it alone in my 50s in preference 😂

Fifty I have been thinking exactly the same thing. Even the ones that advertise that they're funny don't even make an effort to try to be vaguely amusing. And the ones that 'don't take life too seriously', are really boring and serious. And just adding lol after a boring sentence really doesn't make it funny.

@TiggerDatter it's lovely to hear you talk of your ex as a sweetie in many ways! I know that there are many awful people out there who deserve to be slated, but I like it when people can realise they're not meant to be together but still remain amicable. He does sound a trifle, um, interesting! And I could never live with a hoarder.

@WeWantTheFinestWines the ones who claim to be funny never are! I'm glad it's not just me who's noticed a lack of humour.

I do love it if a man can make me laugh.

I read a profile recently that mentioned no secret children. You know the type of profile blurb ... "own house, no crazy exes and no secret children". I don't know if this was supposed to be funny or not but it made me smile.

I keep reading "If you don't look like your photos you are buying the drinks until you do". Not so funny now.

I think I’ll take mad over boring @TiggerDatter. I like Alain de Botton’s ideal opening date question ‘...and in what way are you mad?’

I love a funny profile. One that made me laugh recently was ‘if you’re impossibly handsome, please have a personality to compensate’.

Humour is so important. I can easily compromise on other aspects but not that. Laughter definitely gets me through most things. @Fiftyandmore I can't believe that men wouldn't find you funny. You make me laugh out loud on here

One of the funny things that I read on a profile was "Never have I ever ... had a threesome. If I wanted to disappoint two people at the same time I would have dinner with my parents" Unfortunately it was on a young persons profile. I nearly messaged just to commend him on making me laugh.

I had a very amusing message exchange with Mr Over The River about dunking biscuits. It was very silly and he responded in exactly the right tone. Mr Gatwick also makes me laugh a lot.

Nothing from Mr Distance is in the Mind. Not sure I will bother to pursue if he doesn't message first. Feeling a bit half hearted about looking at the apps currently and certainly not looking at them every day now. I think it's lockdown this time. Life does feel a bit like hard work at the moment and the teens are needing a bit of support.

@Fiftyandmore. I also loathe Sundays evenings, with the back to school feeling and all the chores to be ready for the week. I think it is made worse by mostly quiet weekends.