Online dating in your 50's

[Fiftyandmore]

I've seen (but not read!) the thread about online dating in your 40's, and wondered if anyone would be interested in a similar thread for online dating in your 50's?

I'm 55 and giving this a go for the first time. I have to be honest and say it's soul destroying! I seem to get a lot of likes but not many result in conversation, let alone dates! And some of the conversations are just "hi" or "you ok?".

I've also found that I barely see anyone I'm attracted to. On the rare (very rare) occasions that I do, it's not reciprocated.

Anyone else in their 50's happy to share their OLD experiences? :)

@hotchocolatey yes, some do put their ages as older but I think the problem with Hinge is that they don't stick to the parameters that you set. That means that I get shown men of all ages. The men obviously have the same and haven't worked out that it's the app not me choosing to see them. It suggests matches with them too so they think I am keen I rarely respond now as there are just so many of them messaging. At the start I chatted to a couple and told them they should be meeting people their own age and why were they messaging someone old enough to be their mother! One claimed to prefer older women and age didn't matter. He said he'd had relationships with older women. When I queried this it turned out he had met an older woman twice! He went home to his parents during the first lockdown and I asked him if his mum was doing his washing and cooking his meals. When he said yes, I pointed out that showed the difference between us and that he should be doing it for them!

@fiftyandmore, I think lockdown is the factor. I could have dated extensively but decided I was at the Dean layer (copied from the general dating thread) where you are at the bottom of the dating pool and all that exist at that level are "Deans" who "just want an old fashioned gentleman, don't want dramas, love bants and looking for a woman who doesn't take themselves too seriously"

When you are at that layer, stop digging.

@Daftapath I didn't have much luck with Hinge. I wasn't on it for long.

I've sent a few messages to much younger men saying I am flattered but I'm actually old enough to be your mother lol.

I have to wonder what the level below Dean would be. I seem to have hit it. The ones with heads like giant eggs, who look down at the camera, thus adding several chins, and then write "if you like what you see, swipe right".

And I'm a complete snob when it comes to interior decor - mess, unmade bed, dirty dishes or washing, hideous furniture or curtains mean I would never come to their house so there would be no point in dating.

Facebook dating is a con. Several matches, no messages or replies.

Sometimes I just want to stand in the middle of a rainy field and shout with frustration. Mostly I end up baking or drinking wine. Or both.

It's a bit harsh to judge someone on their furniture and taste in interiors ! It may not even be their taste ... I'm in the process of changing all of mine and decorating to make it my own. However this may need my child to become more civilised before any significant purchases. I don't think I'm ever going to co-habit again so maybe this is why I don't even consider decor. Break up of a long term relationship incurs financial hardships on both parties so I really wouldn't judge someone on that.

No matches for me on Facebook. Got my fingers crossed at the moment as I'm having a nice conversation with someone on Match. Messages seems to correspond in length and humour and there isn't a huge gap in between them. I've cautiously asked if she wants to do something when we're both free ...

Not convinced that judging decor is any worse than judging anything else - personal appearance, teeth, fingernails, car, hair (... or lack of), weight, location ...

My house is certainly not decorated in any 'House Beautiful' way but it also isn't in any of my profile photos

I guess I'm saying not everyone can come ready made with a home you might want to live in or would have chosen yourself. I agree we all have a window of tolerance for such things. For me hygiene and basic tidiness matter more than taste. Anyone with young kids and a full time job is excused the former too.

@HairyArsedMan,good luck,do you have a name for the new iron?

I guess it's a balance, I look beyond one of the "issues" but not a multiple of them.

@WeWantTheFinestWines, what other sites are you on?

I think it's the fact that they didn't even think about the background of their photo. Why choose to stand in front of the unmade bed or the overflowing kitchen bin? Why not make the bed or empty the bin? Or move to the left a bit? Or go outside for your selfie? Lots of selfies are in cars, and I get that. Private, neutral, why not? Or a random tree. Or a street corner. It's not really about taste (I spent a year with someone whose curtains I didn't like🤣), it's about caring about their environment. To me that says something about a person. But I'm Scandinavian and we're obsessed with our homes.

Techway Tinder, Match, Bumble. I see the usual suspects a lot.

Good luck with your Match match HairyArsedMan

No name @Techway, I think I'll leave that until a date is arranged.

Anyone else here whose skin crawls at the use of the word 'iron' ? I know what it means and refers to but it just makes me cringe massively. I'd hate to be someone's 'iron'. Not only that but the word just seem incongruous with 'flimsy possible from the mad world of online dating'.

@HairyArsedMan I don't like the word 'iron' either. Feels a bit disrespectful and pretty impersonal. I would hope that anyone I talked with or met would think of me as more than one of his many 'irons'.

Perhaps I've read the dating thread too much! I find the whole swiping difficult as it is so dismissive, I remember years ago being told of Tinder and couldn't believe the concept but it is normalised now.

Do you know couples who have got together through OLD? I realised I know 4 couples and probadly more who don't openly admit to it. My good friends met 15 plus years ago but a friend was in the last year. Just made me realise it is possible.

Hello all
My 2nd fab date went well today. Another walk and chat. Loads to talk about. I call myself average. He says I undersell myself. An air kiss happened. Thats it.
Next meeting Monday. Same place, different time.
Considering this is a Fab date its the most old fashioned dating Ive done in a long time. No sex talk at all apart from him saying he doesnt like group sex and isnt bisexual and had a 3some 20 years ago and it was 'ok'. Chatted about families, jobs and children.
Im enjoying it for what it is...a walk and talk. He makes arrangements with me before I leave each time and I like that. No texting apart from 'great to see you'and he sent me some info I was after.

The decor thing is not so much a judgement on style/ taste etc but is (I think) an indication of attitudes relating to cleanliness/tidiness. If someone is putting pictures up in an attempt to attract people, and they see nothing wrong with, say, toilet seats up or rubbish strewn around, it doesn't bode well imo. Couldn't care less about what colour curtains/kitchen units/carpets etc they have.

Hello Frenchlady14! I was so pleased to read your post and to see that my general impression of French men is similar to yours. I usually don't have trouble with conversations fizzling out because French is my mother tongue but of course it depends whether the man is from a different planet to me in terms of interests, etc. And yes, I'm tall too! 1 metre 80. My (French) husband was a few centimetres shorter than me which always irked me a little to be honest. However, I'm relieved to say that since my divorce five years ago I've dated a number of French men who are as tall as I am. So please stay hopeful!

But my goodness I also share your dismay at the depressing turnout of men on OLD. I know that sounds overly critical but it feels futile even to bother most of the time.

A few years ago I met a man online who was bloody intelligent, gifted in many ways and quite handsome too. He was the same age as me, single and we shared a few passions. It all sounds ideal, right? Except that he had Aspergers, which I could maybe have coped with, but on top of that he had an insecure avoidant attachment style AND dropped sex into every other sentence. Our fling lasted a few weeks and that was back in 2017. I joined OLD again a fortnight ago, just out of curiousity really, and ta-da; there he was again! He sent me a short, meaningless message which I ignored and he promptly blocked me.

I don't know why I'm sharing this story with you but it just goes to show, in my opinion, that even the brightest men with decent looks are flawed on OLD. I really don't mean any disrespect to men in general. Goodness knows there are some fab men out there who are respectful and so worthy. However if I left the apps over a year ago it's because I just wanted to put more faith in a chance meeting in person than trawling through lists of dreary faces knowing that I'm going to have to go through an interview process which is just not what finding love is about for me.

Sorry, ramble over.

Except, no. I just want to share that I get scared sometimes. I like my company and I'm independant and often cheery but I find it hard to cling onto the hope of meeting someone who will connect with me AND be willing to offer him time and energy. There have been far too many flaky (French) men on my horizon these past years of singledom.

@Techway off the top of my head I can think of three couples who met OLD and one who met speed dating. Probably more if I stopped to think about it.

@Greyandrare123 your Fab man sounds - well - fab :).

@DustyMuse it's not easy this online stuff is it? I share your opinion in general of it all but there aren't many options open to us, especially not at the moment. Someone said on this thread (I think it was on here anyway) that women like us (ie genuine, kind, intelligent, solvent, grounded etc) are on the dating sites, so it's entirely possible that our male counterparts are on them too. I get scared sometimes too of the future. At the minute, I'm very lucky in that my dc live with me, I'm working, I have friends. But when my dc leave (and 3 of them will leave as soon as they can), when I stop working (which may be as early as the end of the year due to funding), when my friends move away (which some of them want to do when the time is right), I worry about loneliness. So I understand where you're coming from.

Fiftyandmore, it isn't easy at all (and how lovely of you to take the time to write your thoughts following my rambling message). I absolutely agree with you that there must be our male counterparts playing hide and seek on OLD. But where?

My two youngest children live with me too, I work and have a good handful of real friends. Like you, I know that there will come a time when I will find myself alone. I was just saying to my eldest sister this morning (living in England) that the thought of having to face old age alone is daunting at times.

But see, I beg to gently differ about OLD being the only option. Now, with lockdown, yes absolutely. Chance encounters do happen in real life though! Late August, whilst on holiday, my cousins and I took our children for a paragliding lesson. The paragliding instructor as we were leaving really started flirting with me and invited me for a drink which I turned down because the family was spending the last evening together. Both my cousin (early fifties like me) and I found him really attractive. I'm not saying it would have necessarily led to anything significant and he might have done it with many other women but I felt like a sixteen-year-old again; it felt as though anything was possible. That real life enounter feeling! There was another similar incident a couple of weeks later in my village. If it can happen to me it can happen to anybody.

Hi all

I posted a while back. I don't have much to report but love reading this thread.
I am due to go on a couple of walks - both want to meet in the week. I am working full time and really busy at the moment so it is more difficult for me. They are both reluctant about meeting at a weekend which I find odd!

@Greyandrare123 your Fab dates sound very promising.

@DustyMuse I agree about meeting people in RL often when we least expect it!

I hope everyone has a lovely weekend

Hi all. I posted a couple of pages ago. Nothing to report. No interesting chats and the only man I like the look of hasn't been in touch for a week. I don't want to chase.

Happy belated birthday to @Fiftyandmore

Personally, I don't think you should date Terry again. You've been on how many dates - 4 or more with him? You'll just give the poor man false hope.

Have a nice weekend in lockdown everyone!

@confused000, that is odd, even if many people are wfh, it is still work time. With the shorter days, evenings are not possible. Do they say why?

@Techway yes I thought it was very odd! The one I am not so keen on just comes up with some lame excuse or he's not sure what he is doing.... ! I have just said I would come back to him - I won't as I don't think he would be for me but he lives close so I was open for a walk.

The other one has suggested a weekday despite me saying weekends are better. So he hasn't actually said no to a weekend. I like the sound of this chap more.

Both are local to me so a walk on a weekend is hardly a big deal. Maybe they don't think I am worth giving up any of their time on a weekend !!

@HairyArsedMan I meant to say your match sounds promising. I am on Match and it has been the worst site for me. It probably does not help that I don't have a bio. My photos are not great either but they do look like me (maybe that's the problem😬) - someone once asked me if I was real so maybe they think I am a scammer with no Bio.

When I did on line dating when I was not really ready (loads going on in my life) it made me very anxious & I went for the wrong type of man aka total arses.
I feel ready to date & feel much better about it all.

Like all of us it would be nice to meet someone & I am still optimistic about that - I may be saying something different next week but feeling positive this morning!!

Thanks @confused000 -we’ve arranged to meet next weekend, so fingers crossed.

Why is it you say that Match is the worse site ? Is it because of unwanted attention or lame messages ? I dated someone from Match last year that received hundreds of messages and she considered it a full time job.

Like @techway I detest swiping so Match means I can search and politely message those that seem interesting. But I do recognise that this is rubbish for women that get swamped. I think a bio could improve the quality of your messages ? If you need some tips or review of your bio before you publish it, drop me a PM.