Guess what the catch is

[GoneAndDoneItAgainAgain]

I’ve been chatting to a friend of a friend on and off for a few months about a mutual interest. A couple of weeks ago he asked me out for dinner, I agreed and we had a really lovely evening, loads in common and we’re seeing each other again this weekend.

He’s mid 40’s (11 years older than me), divorced but apparently amicable with ex, very highly educated and has a professional, well paid job. He’s good looking, he’s funny, he’s easy to talk to, he’s incredibly intelligent and has been single for over a year since his last relationship.

What do you think the catch is? Am I missing something really obvious? Why would someone like him be single and why would he be interested in me? I’m not being all false modesty or anything but he’s way out of my league in terms of looks (not personality, I’m fucking adorable). I’m guessing micro penis.

Can I just say there is a difference between being derogatory and stating a preference. One PP said she would prefer a kind man with a micro but no one's up in arms about blokes with large ones being offended are they.

A couple of weeks further down the line and it’s pretty clear he’s still very caught up with his ex wife. He’s absolutely lovely, barely mentions her unless it’s recalling a memory/ anecdote of something that happened while they were still together. But as soon as he’s had more than 2 glasses of wine he talks about her non-stop. She left him for another man and he just keeps telling me that he must have done something wrong, asking me what it is he does wrong that would make me leave him for someone else etc. etc.

I don’t think that is something I can fix, is it? He is really clever and funny and gorgeous and an absolutely amazing shag. But I’m going through an incredibly traumatic divorce (which whenever I mention he turns it back to be about his divorce) and I can’t be trying to hold someone else together as well as myself.

Should I ask if we could just be FWB? That’s really all I was looking for anyway but he’s gone and introduced me to all his friends and told his parents all about me.

appledaze and therollingrogue I did explain in an earlier post that I was just joking about a micro penis and that I wouldn’t have minded at all if he did have one. Apologies for any offence.

Ahhhh that’s such a shame. But well done you for not ignoring what he’s clearly “telling” you about where he emotionally.
No. You can’t fix that. It’s likely an issue that’s going to linger (and clearly has done for some time as they aren’t recently split). Likely the reason for his last break up. Also big red flag that he turns round your imminent divorce to talk about his past one. He won’t be able to support you without making it about him.

As for FWB. Unlikely to work given he clearly wants more.

I think you should say to him exactly what you’ve stated in your update, that you really enjoy being with him but he’s clearly not over his ex. He probably won’t be keep but perhaps he could go for some counselling

So that's it.

Well, binkyboi's suggestion is good.

Very honest.

Or you could be less up front and just keep seeing him for as long as it makes you happy.

He'll get over her eventually, one would imagine.

And if it's the rejection etc more than feelings for her - a relationship with someone who is into him might help him get perspective and realise there are other fish in the sea who would want him (and his ex not wanting him isn't all that).

I wonder why she left him if he's gorgeous, great in bed, nice etc. . Just not her type.

Or there's stuff we're not award of.

That’s true gilbertmarkham, it could be that he’s stuck on the rejection itself rather than his ExW. I don’t think I see a real future between us so I might just be a coward and carry on shagging him for a bit.

Yep, definitely go with GilbertMarkham’s suggestion!! 😆

he just keeps telling me that he must have done something wrong, asking me what it is he does wrong that would make me leave him for someone else etc. etc.

Forgot to say - you've only been seeing him for a matter of weeks (?) so why on earth does he think you could answer that?! It takes time to get to know someone and get past the lust/honeymoon period.

(Plus things that could be off-putting to one person, may not be to another so you might not even be able to.attempt an answer after quite a while.

He definitely sounds a bit fked up by her leaving him. But also few people would be asking a new partner what they might do that would cause someone to leave them .. that in itself suggests a lack of self preservation/pride/discretion/maturity/good sense etc which could actually be part of a wider picture that put his ex off.

I mean if a poster on here said she was going to ask that of a new partner; people would respond "No!!!!". You'll come across as desperately insecure, down on yourself, damaged and you'll be inviting abuse.

If he did this combo of going on about his ex, asking what he does wrong (turn off), and sort of using new partners as counselling/feedback etc for his previous relationship .... No wonder any previous exes (since his marriage (presuming they were married,can't remember from op) legged it in spite of all his attractive attributes.

I don’t think that is something I can fix, is it? He is really clever and funny and gorgeous and an absolutely amazing shag. But I’m going through an incredibly traumatic divorce (which whenever I mention he turns it back to be about his divorce) and I can’t be trying to hold someone else together as well as myself.

You can’t fix it, no. But you seem very together and self aware, so the perils of this sort of set up (you fall heavily for a man who is actually emotionally unavailable) are maybe not so dangerous for you as a result. Maybe you’re just the right people for each other for the moment, rather than forever? Maybe it’ll grow into something else but he needs that space to vent? Honestly - if you enjoy his company, I’d be tempted to run with it for a while, as long as you do so with your eyes open. If the opportunity for a deep conversation presents itself, then all the better, but otherwise I’d see it as a “fun for now and who knows?” sort of thing.

But I’m going through an incredibly traumatic divorce (which whenever I mention he turns it back to be about his divorce)

That's actually a bit self centred too.

Good for you for looking out for the red flags and spotting the catch.

However I think any suggestion that you should accept / tolerate / indulge / hope for the best - is not good enough - you are worth more than his crumbs.

His head is elsewhere - it is not open or concerned for you or even your fledgling relationship. He is stuck in some bitter, denial, victim, resentment space.

This is the real him, the core of his emotional being and he revealed it within 2 weeks. The rest was superficial.

It’s likely he knows exactly what “he did wrong” - I am sure he was told time and time and time again - but he wasn’t listening or accepting.

He has a lot to work through. Tell him to put his hands in his pockets and invest in a therapist. He chose you because you are comfortable and safe to meet his complex emotional needs right now. It’s not reciprocated.

But what do you want and need?

Do you deserve much more than this.

I would also suspect the drinking is an issue and he has been in best behaviour so far.

I’m not convinced spending time with him is making me feel any better about myself so I think I’ll call it quits when I see him in a couple of days. It was a nice ego boost for a while that a really handsome, intelligent man could be interested in me. But it’s become clear that he’s not interested in me, really. I think he likes the idea of me - I’m 10 years younger, we have a lot of the same interests and can talk about our rather obscure hobby together. But he doesn’t seem interested in anything about me that’s deeper than that and it actually feels quite hurtful. The sex is amazing though - I’ve not really had many partners and it’s genuinely the best sex I’ve ever had. So nice to know that’s out there too, I guess.

I’m just feeling a bit flat about everything, I think. I knew fully well that I was going into this to distract me from my divorce and all the other shit that I’ve got going on right now. Taking this guy out of the equation makes me feel even more fragile than I was a month ago. Fuck, I’m such an idiot.

Oh lovely, that’s such a shame. That good ole red flag was going up the flagpole when you mentioned that when you tried to talk about you, & your traumatic divorce, and turned it straight into his own good self and his split instead.

One rule for him, another for you, and that’s absolutely the definition of unfair! No wonder you are coming away not feeling very good after being with him.

He gets an open ear & mind... sympathy and a sounding board, an opportunity for healing through engaging with you, should he choose to take it / be capable of moving on. All of which he takes, takes, takes without even thinking about it right?

Yet when it comes to you, you get sidelined, and shut down. However politely or urbanely.

Nope. Not a feel-good dynamic at all.

If you wanted to you could enjoy the sex and emotionally disengage completely. But... I get the sense you are way past that point in your heart.

Although as the

Oh sorry, missed the end of my post there, oops!

Was going to try and cheer you up with a little more of the micropee type jocularity .....

When a previous poster wrote “capacious fanny”
I misread it as ‘capricious fanny’ .... which kind of captured my imagination! I rather like the idea of an opinionated, fickle kind of fanny!

I missed the bit about his drinking.

Op you are most definitely not an idiot. You've been very circumspect from the outset and are thinking and acting with way more awareness, good sense and self respect than many of us would in these circumstances.

Even though it's very disappointing and you would lose a pleasant distraction (at the very least), you're thinking about what's best for yourself and him.

Personally I don't see why you couldn't continue seeing him as an enjoyable fwb and distraction .. and not expect emotional support (which also means you won't be giving it - you'll have to politely shut him down til he stops (if he does) , or even point out that he turns the convo back to his own ex relationship any time you mention your divorce and the support doesn't feel two way so it's best to just avoid these ubjects altogether and concentrate on having a nice time).

You wanted to have decent sex with someone who's not a psycho (he may be hung up on his relationship breakdown but he's not a psycho) and you have .. so you've achieved what you fancied .. whether you continue that, or whether it wouldn't work be because eg. you might catch feelings or he may not stop this stuff about his ex etc ... Entirely up to you. It's very natural to feel deflated and disappointed. You're being cry mature and sensible.

Tbf he’s not a big drinker. The first date we went on we shared 2 bottles of wine which is more than I’ve drunk in years but I think it was because we were both nervous. Then twice when he’s stayed at mine we’ve shared a bottle and a bit. The other times we’ve not drank at all. He’s also very good at not mentioning his exW until he’s started having a second glass then it’s just non-stop - he’s told me how he proposed, how they met, her job, her wedding dress, her decision to change her name back once they divorced, her FB posts and what they could mean, the man she left him for, how she told him she was leaving, how he barely got out of bed for a year etc. etc. Meanwhile I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know my stbxh’s name, career or where he lives when he’s not with our dc.

Which is fine, I guess. Like I said I’m not looking for emotional support, I have plenty of friends willing to let me cry at them but I (at the moment at least) do not have enough in reserve to try and fix someone else. I really like him and I do genuinely want him to be happy so I find myself trying to help and then I’m getting feelings dragged into it. I’m trying very hard to just keep it as sex but he makes me laugh so much that I miss him when we’re apart and I keep texting him daft meme’s that I think he’ll like.

I’m seeing him on Sunday so I’ll speak to him then and tell him what I think. He asked me a couple of weeks ago what he was to me and I told him that I thought of him as a dock leaf. He said that he saw a real future with me but that obviously we barely knew each other.

I don’t know. It’s a mess. My whole life is in tatters at the moment - I’ve found out my exh is not who I thought he was at all, he was lying to me about all sorts of incredible things, I have no career, my youngest has just started school and I’m just bumbling around my empty nest all day, then this lovely man comes along and shags me stupid and I’m even more confused. What a mess.

But he doesn’t seem interested in anything about me that’s deeper than that and it actually feels quite hurtful

This jumped out - what exactly do you mean by this, @GoneAndDoneItAgainAgain? I fully accept it doesn’t sound good, but I wonder if it could be a function of the situation and is worth talking to him about? (Depends what it is, obviously!).

Worst case, he’s massively on the rebound, of course - but the classic move for men of that age in this situation is to become a real player and shag around. He hasn’t done that and does seem to be really keen on you, so I’m probably quite pro giving him a go (carefully!) on the basis of what you’ve said here.

It’s difficult to explain what I mean, really, and it could just be me being insecure about stuff. I guess that he keeps saying stuff like ‘it’s so great that we’re both into birdwatching as I don’t know anyone else that is’ and then talk about how he got into it, his favourite anecdote related to it, his favourite aspect of it etc. but not actually ask me what part I’m interested in, or how interested in it I am or how I got into it. Does that make sense? Like, he loves the fact we’ve got loads of weird interests in common but doesn’t actually want to drill down into what part of these very broad interests I’m into. It feels almost like he’s got a check sheet of points and on paper I tick all the boxes so he’s not wanting to find out just how interested in these things I am.

If he’s massively on the rebound then I dread to think what it was like when it actually happened - they’ve been divorced for 4 years and she left him 5 years ago. He had a 2 year relationship with a woman shortly afterwards but he never mentions her, it’s always just the exW that he goes on about.

Hmmm. I’m conscious that I’m coming across as very pro this chap...so obviously there’s a huge caveat that I don’t know him, so am flying blind. But does he give you a chance to speak and express yourself? Not everyone is a “question asker”, but that doesn’t mean they’re not interested to hear what you have to say. And if your interests are quirky and unusual, it might well just be really amazing to him that he’s met someone who shares those on however broad a level, because that many not have happened to him before. I’d say definitely worth a conversation before calling it quits (especially if he has talents in the bedroom department )

I've just read the thread and came on to comment only that I think you sound great, funny and clever and very together @GoneAndDoneItAgainAgain.

I had been vaguely wondering until I read your most recent update whether the man you've been seeing was a recently-divorced friend of mine (very good-looking, charming, a fabulous conversationalist, a PhD, has children 50% of the time). (In which case the catch was going to be that he's the most passive man ever, and you can either deal with that and face a life in which absolutely nothing will ever happen unless you plan, organise and initiate it to the point of actually hauling him out the door, or you don't. And it's my theory that his ex-wife had her affair just because she wanted to make him react.)

But he's not, and you're over him anyway. You haven't in the least been an idiot. Take it easy on yourself.

You’ve not been an idiot at all. But I think the upshot if fantastic sex (it DOES stuff to us chemically for lots of obvious evolutionary reasons) alongside the trauma of your divorce mean that realistically, you will end up hurt if you tried to continue this on an FWB basis.

Bearing in mind I imagine a lot of your convo relates to your mutual hobby and the way you’ve listed so much you know about him & how little he knows of you - I can’t help wonder was supreme self-absorbtion one of the reasons his wife left the marriage.

Regardless, you’re finding it hurtful and your last couple of posts reveal that the intellectual idea of completely separating emotions from this, is not really an option for you. As sad as it is to say goodbye to good sex, I think you need to as a form of self-protection. Best of luck as you sound funny and lovely

he keeps saying stuff like ‘it’s so great that we’re both into birdwatching as I don’t know anyone else that is’ and then talk about how he got into it, his favourite anecdote related to it, his favourite aspect of it etc. but not actually ask me what part I’m interested in, or how interested in it I am or how I got into it.

This is notable because it's not about his ex & marriage breakdown, but he's still self absorbed and one sided.

So my theory is that while he may well be hung up on his marriage breakdown, it's standard MO. To dominate a conversation, be self absorbed and not let the other person have anywhere near equal "space" .. which even when it's relatively innocent/unintentional, still communicates that they're less important than him.

If he's always been like this (likely) I can imagine how frustrating, irritating and alienating it could be to a partner.
They'd me thinking "he we go with another monologue, I'm just a listening post to him, he's self absorbed, I don't "matter" ... No matter how attractive and superficially nice etc someone is you could imagine someone getting v sick of it.