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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Guess what the catch is

275 replies

GoneAndDoneItAgainAgain · 10/09/2020 20:50

I’ve been chatting to a friend of a friend on and off for a few months about a mutual interest. A couple of weeks ago he asked me out for dinner, I agreed and we had a really lovely evening, loads in common and we’re seeing each other again this weekend.

He’s mid 40’s (11 years older than me), divorced but apparently amicable with ex, very highly educated and has a professional, well paid job. He’s good looking, he’s funny, he’s easy to talk to, he’s incredibly intelligent and has been single for over a year since his last relationship.

What do you think the catch is? Am I missing something really obvious? Why would someone like him be single and why would he be interested in me? I’m not being all false modesty or anything but he’s way out of my league in terms of looks (not personality, I’m fucking adorable). I’m guessing micro penis.

OP posts:

joystir59 · 02/10/2020 13:43

Don't short change yourself op. Good luck with the difficult conversation that's looming.

GilbertMarkham · 02/10/2020 13:45

*it's his standard MO

forrestgreen · 02/10/2020 21:51

You have joint interest but it sounds like he wants to do the talking about this and have you listening to him, does he have a conversation where you both add to it, or does he pause so you can agree with him?
Tbh I'd have an honest conversation
"I'm worried about how things are going, I'm worried you do the talking in our relationship but you don't ask questions. I know all about your wife, your history, you know nothing about my ex because it's not appropriate to discuss an ex to a current relationship,how you broke up. But when I talk about my divorce because I'd like support, the conversation turns back to your divorce. It's not feeling 50/50 which is a shame."
I'd give him a chance but pull him up on stuff, "we were talking about me, do you know you've yet to ask me a question tonight, please stop discussing your ex"
If he's genuinely a good guy, give him a chance but be prepared that these might be the reasons why his ex gave him the boot. Remember she dated the funny, good looking, great shag guy too.

PixelatedLunchbox · 02/10/2020 22:56

The catch? He's still in love with his ex wife. Sorry.

GilbertMarkham · 02/10/2020 23:05

While forrestgreen's suggestion is very reasonable and level headed; in my experience if someone natters on, dominates a conversation, makes it one sided, does not ask questions, listen equally, is prone to monologues - however you want to put it, especially if they're still like that in their forties ...

They are not going to change. They're not capable of changing.

So it's pointless. Certainly op could give it a go, but it will probably just result in a temporary hiatus, followed by a revert to his default.

I thought the issue here would be his being hung up on his ex/marriage breakdown and it may be to some extent; but the bird watching (or wherever the shared hobby really is) reveals the real issue ... He's self centred and one sided in communication, no matter how nice he otherwise seems That could be very wearing - op has noticed it and is naturally irritated and disheartened by it in just 3 (?) dates (and people are generally on their best behaviour at the start of a relationship!).

forrestgreen · 02/10/2020 23:11

I do agree @GilbertMarkham but it sounded like op wasn't ready to turn in the towel, so I thought I'd throw in an option that would help her decide maybe.

Sssloou · 02/10/2020 23:18

I can’t believe that he has been separated/divorced for so long - has had a subsequent long term relationship and in each of these relationship breakdowns there would have been a significant period of the relationship eroding - where I would imagine there would be discussions / rows / exchanges - and has no recall or reflection of what went wrong. That’s someone in deep denial and/or doesn’t listen.

GilbertMarkham · 02/10/2020 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GilbertMarkham · 03/10/2020 00:01

Please ignore that, trying to get it deleted. Too many screens open at the save time .

GilbertMarkham · 03/10/2020 00:04

@forrestgreen

I do agree *@GilbertMarkham* but it sounded like op wasn't ready to turn in the towel, so I thought I'd throw in an option that would help her decide maybe.

Definitely worth a try.

Unfortunately I can't recall seeing anyone change for long when they're inclined to behaviour like that.

GilbertMarkham · 03/10/2020 00:06

@Sssloou

Also very valid point.

Which fits with his monogue-ing and non-listening behaviour.

Original poster

GoneAndDoneItAgainAgain · 03/10/2020 13:55

He’s coming to stay tonight, I’ll have a chat with him and see what he thinks. It’s a shame because on paper he does seem perfect. But then my exdh seemed perfect on paper and he’s an absolute wankpuffin.

I just don’t have any emotional reserves left at the moment and can’t spend time with anyone who makes me feel more insecure or pointless than I already do. I’m not sure the amazing sex counteracts those feelings enough.

Sorry I’m waffling. It’s just surprisingly cathartic to write all this down.

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 03/10/2020 15:43

Good luck.
Maybe write it all out so your clear what you need to say. And also think what he'd say if he was self aware and genuinely looking to change.
If you don't hear that then I guess he's done.
You need to look after you more than you need him.

Sssloou · 03/10/2020 17:48

Someone used this analogy on another thread - think of him like an egg - it could look absolutely perfect on the outside - you have no idea what’s on the inside - it could be rotten, fresh, healthy, hard boiled, soft boiled - this is the important part - the shell is irrelevant

HaggisBurger · 03/10/2020 18:37

Good luck tonight OP. Be as honest as you can with him - in many ways there’s nothing to lose in doing so. If possible try and have a good conversation before too much wine on board

Vagaries · 04/10/2020 11:47

@GoneAndDoneItAgainAgain

Sorry I’m waffling. It’s just surprisingly cathartic to write all this down.

Why on earth is he 'coming to stay' tonight, OP, after Operation Shitshow in his house? You sound as if you're giving him the impression that everything's fine, and you overreacted, surely?

Or am I misunderstanding, and you have arranged for your three best friends to show up late tonight, because they're absolutely dying to meet him?

Flipflophurray · 04/10/2020 11:56

Take the sex away and to me he sounds... boring.
Someone waffling on about themselves all the time is yawnsome.

You on the other hand sound fun, self aware and interesting. So find someone more on your level!

Candyfloss99 · 04/10/2020 11:58

He's divorced and has kids, would rule him out for a lot of women.

Flipflophurray · 04/10/2020 12:00

@Candyfloss99 not women his own age it wouldn’t. To be honest I’d find someone in their mid forties who was neither of these more strange.

Candyfloss99 · 04/10/2020 12:06

Sorry just read the whole thing. He's obsessed with his ex wife. That's your reason why no-one else wants him. Who wants a man who talks about another woman all the time?

HappyThursdays · 04/10/2020 12:09

Don't underestimate how much online dating can destroy a) any faith you might have had in men and b) any confidence you had left in yourself

It is absolutely soul destroying. I could only do it a few months at a time before having to walk away.

I think the fact that he feels comfortable talking about his exw to you is a big thing. The big issue for me though would be his lack of interest in your life (you say that he changes the subject to him a lot - but some people are just like that).

One tiny bit of advice from me - good shags are few and far between coupled with someone who seems ok so it might be worth investing a bit of time to see if he improves as he gets to know you better?

I also found even half reasonable dates left me walking away feeling shit about myself!

Original poster

GoneAndDoneItAgainAgain · 04/10/2020 19:23

Well, it’s all over now. I told him when he got here yesterday that I was concerned that he was still hung up on his ex wife and that I probably wasn’t ready for a full on relationship anyway. I also told him that I love shagging him and that I was happy to carry on with just that if he was. Which he said he was and all was well. But then we went out for dinner and he tried to sexily eat a mussel while looking me in the eye. That was enough for me to never want to shag him again.

And so ends the story of my first romance post marriage.

OP posts:

Flipflophurray · 04/10/2020 19:40

I dread to think what sexily eating a mussel entails. But never mind OP - onwards and upwards!

HappyThursdays · 04/10/2020 19:44

Well at least it's all sorted in your head!

You're likely to kiss a lot of frogs. Took me 8 years post divorce to find dp.

So many men with issues and it does feel like the pool narrows (whether that's true or not!).

Don't take it personally whatever you do!

copperoliver · 04/10/2020 19:46

He might think you are nice looking and genuinely think you are a lovely person x

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