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Original poster

Petty Argument Thread 2

344 replies

StupidArgument · 10/09/2020 19:43

Previous Thread

I just wanted to post a follow on from my previous thread, as I've been getting so much advice and support. In a nutshell; DH and I had a silly argument and going through it on here has really made me realise how unhappy I am in my life. I applied for and accepted a place on a teaching course starting in a couple of weeks but I'm feeling really conflicted! I don't want to hurt DH but also can't stay.

OP posts:
whatisheupto · 18/09/2020 20:07

Well done OP, so glad to hear you are preparing and packing. I think you have thought of everything. All I can add is perhaps your laptop, and those little security key things to log in to bank accounts. Any medication you need? And take photos of anything precious - artworks or a special vase etc. Take any precious jewellery. Also remember you can use your phone to take photos of any paperwork... Bills etc. Take a photo of a statement from any shares or investments he may have for example.

Also OP are you really sure this money that is coming in is delayed by 3 weeks for real? Sure it's not him making up little lies??

katmarie · 18/09/2020 20:16

Op if you have debts in your name, and they are going to leave you in difficulty, you can phone your creditors and explain the situation. Ask for reduced payments or a payment holiday for 3 months or longer if they will agree to it. Any outgoings you have can be negotiated, pick up the phone and speak to people, and they should be willing to help. Make it clear that you are fleeing an abusive relationship, and if the first person you speak to isn't helpful, ask to speak to someone more senior until you get them to do what you need them to.

Worst case scenario, if you stopped paying your debts, it would still take months before any legal action could be taken against you, and creditors know that, they also know a lot of people are struggling at the moment, so they are used to dealing with this by now. Speak to as many of them as possible and get yourself some breathing room financially.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 18/09/2020 20:50

With the bursaries it's first come first served, so don't hang around. You need to apply straight away as it's usually all gone by November. I had mine given to me when I got the student loan 3x a year.

They're also called hardship funds. You usually just put your ingoings and outgoings and a brief explanation of why you need it.

You will love uni!

billy1966 · 18/09/2020 22:44

So glad to read you are going for it.🙏

justilou1 · 18/09/2020 22:58

Yaaaay!!! So proud of you!!!

justilou1 · 18/09/2020 23:00

Make sure you screenshot all his business banking account details, etc in case divorce/separation gets ugly.
Transfer enough cash for yourself to last for a few weeks if you can. You must be owed holiday leave/overtime etc

Dery · 18/09/2020 23:14

Great news that you're going for it, OP! Very excited for you.

everythingbackbutyou · 19/09/2020 02:13

@StupidArgument, this time last year I was in a similar position in terms of planning to leave an abusive partner without giving him advance warning. I was SO nervous because, like you, I knew I couldn't stay and I just wanted the telling him part to be over. I wrestled with so much guilt but the alternative was unbearable to me. As for plans...I had made a detailed safety plan with my counsellor with regard to when/how I would tell him, where I would go next etc., how to protect my 3 dc from getting involved etc. Well, on 'the day' it all fell apart.The crucial part was that I was supposed to have the children with me that afternoon but he ended up taking them out to the park and I had to completely wing it. I had no idea how I was going to feed, house and support my 3 kids. But people are so right that all the details WILL work themselves out somehow afterwards, when you are in a safe place and can think clearly. This massive change is terrifying, I know, but I wouldn't go back and do anything differently. Massive handhold from me x

KunekuneKristmasCake · 19/09/2020 03:55

Well done on staying strong

EggyPegg · 19/09/2020 08:16

Wishing you well OP. The money thing can definitely be worked out. Hope you're okay this morning.

DeeThree · 19/09/2020 11:06

Just dropping in to say best of luck!!! You're completely doing the right thing. It's hard now, but remember - this too shall pass.

Moviestar · 19/09/2020 12:20

Just wanted to wish you the very very best of luck , you are doing the right thing.
The fact that you haven't been able to tell him about your course and get his full support says it all. If he genuinely loved you, he would want the best for you, not for him.
Go get your life and live it

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/09/2020 12:55

Take more cash. Assume he is going to cut your access to joint funds and act accordingly.

Good luck.

justilou1 · 19/09/2020 13:10

Also assume he’s going to fire you and/or try and make you unhireable.

Happynow001 · 19/09/2020 13:17

@Disfordarkchocolate

Take more cash. Assume he is going to cut your access to joint funds and act accordingly.

Good luck.

This ^^ OP.

in your first thread you said:
We have a joint savings account which neither of us spends from, we use it to save for holidays or bigger purchases.

You know that half of that actual belongs to you right now? Why not transfer 50% of it and remove some of the immediate worry you have about finances? You have absolutely contributed to those savings over the years so why not transfer it to your personal account and change the access password for that, if not already done?

What better reason than your own new future?

BTW: I skimmed your posts in the previous thread. The person you are now (blindsided, confused, worried and scared of taking the next step) is so far from the person you were in your first few posts.

Read them again, and draw strength from how far you've come so far.

Best wishes for the next step in your journey. You have earned it. 🌹

Happynow001 · 19/09/2020 13:21

Eek! I should have less gin for breakfast!

I meant to say:

BTW: I skimmed your posts in the previous thread. The person you were then in your first few posts (blindsided, confused, worried and scared of taking the next step) is so far from the person you are now. 🌹

billy1966 · 19/09/2020 13:31

@Disfordarkchocolate

Take more cash. Assume he is going to cut your access to joint funds and act accordingly.

Good luck.

Take as much cash as you can. Transfer it.

Expect his nastiness to extend to trying to leave you as vulnerable as possible and take as many clothes you live.
Expect him to donate anything else.

Rooting for you🙏

Daftapath · 19/09/2020 14:14

Do not expect him to be reasonable. Expect him to be as unreasonable as it is possible to be (plus a little more) and act accordingly.

I made the huge mistake of assuming my XH would be reasonable and was told by many that he would eventually see reason. Three years and 3 court visits later, I am still waiting for reason to kick in!

I bitterly regret my initial assumptions and am many 10's of £1000 out of pocket because of my assumptions

GabsAlot · 19/09/2020 15:02

i agree about the money half is legally yours so take it

Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 19:28

We haven’t really got much money at the moment. We moved recently and that ate our savings away, we were starting to try to build them back up but we wanted to get these debts paid off first, so there really isn’t any more money to take. The business has struggled over the pandemic, so the £100 cash and around £500 left on my overdraft is about all I have until my loan comes through.

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 19:31

That sounds awful @Daftapath, I hope you manage to get things resolved.

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 19:33

@deethree this too shall pass

I love that phrase and it’s one that I turn to often but never thought to apply it to this situation so thank you for the reminder

OP posts:
Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 19:38

There was an incident earlier that I would like to hear your thoughts on, he tried to pass it off as just joking and me being “too sensitive” but we were at my mums, he was flicking through one of those Aldi leaflet/booklet things. I was sat in a chair talking to my Mum, about 2-3m away.

I yawned and stretched and he threw the booklet at me, it hit me right in the face. It didn’t hurt a lot, but the corner got me and it surprised me and it made me feel really embarrassed and angry. But like I said, he tried to pass it off as a joke and I didn’t make too big a deal of it because I’m just trying to get through each day with no issues. But I am right that that’s not okay?

OP posts:
DameFanny · 19/09/2020 19:53

That's completely not ok at all - utter disrespect and disregard for you Sad

To add to all the brilliant advice - have a quick run through all your passwords and change any that he knows/match passwords he knows. You should also make sure he can't find anything via linked accounts to your phone.

You run the office side if things for the company - take evidence to demonstrate this because half of it's yours, especially since you haven't been allowed to earn your own money in the marriage.

TorkTorkBam · 19/09/2020 19:55

He knows you have changed.

I would take that as a threat.

He is letting you know he can choose to get rough and you can't do anything except complain after you have been hit in the face.

This is a sadly normal scenario with controlling men. When the usual controls are looking shaky they reach for others. It was smart to not rise to it given your imminent departure.

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