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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Petty Argument Thread 2

344 replies

StupidArgument · 10/09/2020 19:43

Previous Thread

I just wanted to post a follow on from my previous thread, as I've been getting so much advice and support. In a nutshell; DH and I had a silly argument and going through it on here has really made me realise how unhappy I am in my life. I applied for and accepted a place on a teaching course starting in a couple of weeks but I'm feeling really conflicted! I don't want to hurt DH but also can't stay.

OP posts:
ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore · 19/09/2020 20:03

Not ok.

I'm sorry you have to ask. He's really done a number on you.

TorkTorkBam · 19/09/2020 20:14

Did he do a good job of apologising and looking horrified?

Toriathebadger · 19/09/2020 20:20

@TorkTorkBam

He knows you have changed.

I would take that as a threat.

He is letting you know he can choose to get rough and you can't do anything except complain after you have been hit in the face.

This is a sadly normal scenario with controlling men. When the usual controls are looking shaky they reach for others. It was smart to not rise to it given your imminent departure.

I agree, he knows something has changed so he's reminding you who's in charge and threatening violence. He's letting you know that be can be nasty whenever he feels like it, even in front of your mum.

It's definitely not ok. How can throwing something at someone's face out of the blue a joke? Who was meant to find it funny? He's asserting his control. The 'nice' act could only ever last for so long.

I was so downhearted the other day when I read your update and it seemed like you were backing out, and I'm so glad that you've got your plans back on track. I echo what the others have said, the finances will sort themselves out eventually, please don't let them be the reason you stay. Everyone has a wobble when embarking on something as huge as a degree, especially when you've wanted it for so long. You can definitely do the course. The degree is a much more gradual way into teaching than the whistle stop that is the PGCE, and they wouldn't have given you a much sought after place if they couldn't see your potential. It's natural to feel a bit anxious about it. Universities, and teacher training in particular, love a mature student because they know we wouldn't give our jobs up and go back into education if we weren't serious about it. But it is a tough thing to do after being out of education for so long. On top of leaving that horrible man and gaining your independence for the first time, it's massive. You're doing amazingly well, you're so strong, you just don't know it yet. I have nothing but admiration for you.

billy1966 · 19/09/2020 20:20

Jesus fxxking christ OP...

That was a total example of his facade slipping.

He is absolute scum.

He is such a nasty vicious piece of work.

He just couldn't contain the facade and it leaked out of him.

He is scum.

Get the hell away.

What an absolute piece of scum.

I'm so furious reading this.

Flowers
RandomMess · 19/09/2020 20:39

What possible reason/justification was there for throwing it at you Confused

Janus · 19/09/2020 20:54

It’s certainly not OK, I also wonder what your mum said/thought?? I’d be horrified if someone threw something at one of my (adult) children.
I so hope you get on your course on Monday. Maybe you’ll meet a lovely student that needs to rent a room? I wish you so much luck and happiness.

Catmaiden · 19/09/2020 21:21

That is assault. No question. Please call the police on him

whatisheupto · 19/09/2020 21:29

@StupidArgument no that is not ok, not unless he jumped up to apologise profusely and to explain he was throwing it to you for you to read or something. If it helps you to make sense of it, my DH would never throw anything at me without alerting me first, and then he would be very careful to mke sure it didn't hit me in the face. If it did he would express his remorse and give me a hug / make a cup of tea for me. And he is a rather uncommunicative type, by no means perfect!

billy1966 · 19/09/2020 21:31

[quote whatisheupto]@StupidArgument no that is not ok, not unless he jumped up to apologise profusely and to explain he was throwing it to you for you to read or something. If it helps you to make sense of it, my DH would never throw anything at me without alerting me first, and then he would be very careful to mke sure it didn't hit me in the face. If it did he would express his remorse and give me a hug / make a cup of tea for me. And he is a rather uncommunicative type, by no means perfect![/quote]
This.

Nearly 30 years married.
Never heard or saw this.

This is not how people behave.

whatisheupto · 19/09/2020 21:35

"Breathe, darling. This is just a chapter.
It's not your whole story."

I just saw this on Insta and thought of you.
It must all seem so, so serious right now. But you know what, in the grand scheme of things it isn't. Try not to give too much of a shit. I don't mean to sound uncaring or to minimise your feelings, but I know I take things very seriously, too much so, and it prevents me from doing things sometimes. I'm trying to "stop giving a fuck and do it anyway" or whatever that book title is!

Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 21:43

@Janus

It’s certainly not OK, I also wonder what your mum said/thought?? I’d be horrified if someone threw something at one of my (adult) children. I so hope you get on your course on Monday. Maybe you’ll meet a lovely student that needs to rent a room? I wish you so much luck and happiness.
My Mum didn’t say anything. I didn’t look at her, I felt really embarrassed and couldn’t look at her. So I don’t really know how she reacted. It was weird for a few minutes and then the conversation just carried on as normal.
OP posts:
whatisheupto · 19/09/2020 21:45

Also OP, another thought. This might help (or you may think I am deranged). Sometimes when I am struggling to do something difficult, I imagine I am someone else. So, in your situation I might try and imagine I was a very strong willed, brave, independent and wise lady. Slighty older, slightly wild, slightly fearsome, dressed in a boho style, long tangly hair. Loves growing her own veg and has an amazing garden and a dog following her around. Lives in a wood cabin in rural England. Takes no shit from anyone. Has lots of friends she meets at the pub and at choir. Teaches at a primary school and is everyone's favourite teacher.

I'm sure there must be a proper term for this.... Visualisation?? Just do what she would do!

WinterAndRoughWeather · 19/09/2020 21:50

@whatisheupto

Oh wow, I want to be her!

Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 21:52

@RandomMess @whatisheupto @TorkTorkBam

No apology. No explanation. It wasn’t an accident, he did it 100% on purpose. He meant to throw it and have it hit me in the face, it wasn’t just throwing it for me to look at and accidentally getting me in the face. I’d already passed it to him after looking at it, my Mum was showing me a sewing machine she was thinking of getting from it.

It was intentionally done to hit me, as a “joke”. From how it hit me, I’m pretty sure he threw it straight and put a spin on it, I checked a little while ago and I have a little mark on my chin where the corner hit me.

I can’t even remember what he said afterwards now, is it normal to struggle to remember things like this, even just a few hours after? It was about 5pm when he did it

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 19/09/2020 21:52

Did he apologise?

TorkTorkBam · 19/09/2020 21:53

Oops x-post

TorkTorkBam · 19/09/2020 21:56

It is unusual to struggle to remember a recent emotional event.

You seem to be in the habit of blocking memories. You mentioned it a few days ago too.

Do you have any memory of other times he has used physicality to intimidate you? It seems unlikely to me that a man this controlling would never have used his body to intimidate you before.

whatisheupto · 19/09/2020 21:57

Just awful OP. I'm so sorry he did that to you. Thank goodness it didn't get you in the eye. But at least it gives you the knowledge that you definitely have to leave ASAP, and will hopefully lessen the guilt you were feeling.

whatisheupto · 19/09/2020 22:01

@whatisheupto

"Breathe, darling. This is just a chapter. It's not your whole story."

I just saw this on Insta and thought of you.
It must all seem so, so serious right now. But you know what, in the grand scheme of things it isn't. Try not to give too much of a shit. I don't mean to sound uncaring or to minimise your feelings, but I know I take things very seriously, too much so, and it prevents me from doing things sometimes. I'm trying to "stop giving a fuck and do it anyway" or whatever that book title is!

I just want to clarify that I am referring to the need for you to leave him in this post. Having read how you were feeling it was impossible to leave; I am saying "just do it".
Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 22:01

@ithinkiveseenthisfilmbefore

You’re right, he has. Before I posted on here, I would have said he has never been physically violent with me. But looking back now, and reading some old diaries, there have been so many little incidents like this. Like the smacking me on my bum that I mentioned in the old thread but doing it way too hard. Poking/prodding me with a screwdriver. A couple of shoves or slaps. Or me hurting myself trying to get away from him. Lots of little times of doing something to me under the guise of “playing” but it actually causing me physical pain. Okay he’s never punched me in the face but he has still hurt me. And if I had to present all this to him I wouldn’t be able to because I can’t properly remember it? I wouldn’t be able to provide a lot of specific examples but it probably happens once every month or two. I’m not crazy am I, this isn’t okay is it?

I’m sorry to keep asking but I just keep doubting myself about it.

Sorry this reply came out a lot longer than intended!

OP posts:
WitchWand · 19/09/2020 22:02

Si, he's not "threatening violence " as one poster just wrote. He's using violence.

Sorry you're mum's not sounding very effective or protective.

billy1966 · 19/09/2020 22:03

@TorkTorkBam

It is unusual to struggle to remember a recent emotional event.

You seem to be in the habit of blocking memories. You mentioned it a few days ago too.

Do you have any memory of other times he has used physicality to intimidate you? It seems unlikely to me that a man this controlling would never have used his body to intimidate you before.

Can you photograph your face as a record of yet ANOTHER assault.

Please do this OP.

You will be glad that you have a record of this assault.

Please, please, record this assault on your phone tonight. How you felt, the pain, shock, embarrassment, humiliation, shame, your mother being ther, wanting to protect her.
Do it on your phone. It will be time and date recorded and it will be a useful to you when you want to finally extract yourself from this nasty, vicious man.

Help yourself OO.

Record how you feel. Now. After this assault.

Flowers
TorkTorkBam · 19/09/2020 22:03

You said you were yawning and stretching. So to me that means you would have been at a disadvantage for being able to see it coming and duck, block or catch. He must have been waiting for his moment to hit you.

I expect such carry on between my children but even they wouldn't throw anything that would hurt and if they did cause an injury there would be apologies.

For example, in my house just today a stupid throwing game resulted in one teen punching himself in the face (don't ask, trust me, just eye roll). The other teen and DH were all over him both laughing and making sure he was OK. Then there was talk of it throughout the day. That's normal I think.

Original poster
StupidArgument · 19/09/2020 22:06

@TorkTorkBam yes I do, I mentioned a few in my comment above, but I think I do block them out.

I mentioned this before too but after I first posted, I read a couple of old diaries that I wrote in and found a couple of Mumsnet posts id put on here, about times he’d either physically hurt me or we’d had some kind of horrible argument and I genuinely had forgotten all about them, some Came back to me after I read about them and it made me remember other times too, some I still can’t remember

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 19/09/2020 22:09

Yes he is already using violence and pain to keep you in your place.

I forgot about the slapping you told him to stop where he has disregarded you wishes. Your consent is not required because it isn't play it is domination.

Is there usually a gap between events or do they come in a little run? Is there a correlation between your reaction/behaviour at the time and how soon he next hurts you? Does he do it when you are happy, sad, ignoring him, demanding of respect? Any pattern you can see?