Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Petty Argument Thread 2

344 replies

StupidArgument · 10/09/2020 19:43

Previous Thread

I just wanted to post a follow on from my previous thread, as I've been getting so much advice and support. In a nutshell; DH and I had a silly argument and going through it on here has really made me realise how unhappy I am in my life. I applied for and accepted a place on a teaching course starting in a couple of weeks but I'm feeling really conflicted! I don't want to hurt DH but also can't stay.

OP posts:
Yummyplainscones · 26/09/2020 17:48

Hi OP,

I’ve just read all of your posts on both threads and I was so hopeful that you were going to leave this awful man and start a promising new life.

Please read both threads in their entirety and take in all the good advice and support you have received.

This man is controlling, abusive and he will never ever change.

Don’t lose another year of your life let alone 5 or 10 more years dancing to his repetitive tune.

Put yourself first, start this course, move out as soon as you possibly can and leave him behind.

Life is too short to be trapped in this soul destroying marriage.

You want a career in teaching and hopefully to have children. Both things can happen but not while you stay in this prison of a marriage.

Please OP, you are worth so much more than this. You can do it, you have your Mum and Sister for support and so much inner strength. Take that first step and everything else will fall into place.

Flowers
BluebellsGreenbells · 26/09/2020 23:47

OP please pop back and let us know you’re ok.

MrsBrunch · 27/09/2020 01:40

OP I have been following your posts and wishing you well. I am certain that one day you will break free.

In the meantime, I wonder if you noticed - you said:

He said he would support me if I wanted to do the course, but that he didn't think I should do it

And you also said - he wouldn't support me with the course. I know him, and he just wouldn't.

So it's clear from this that you know his words don't mean anything and his actions are what matters.

Then you went on to say:

To be fair, he did say he would start to support me better at work. He said he would make time to spend a day or two in the office each week so he brought less paperwork home. He said we could change our office (the one we're in at the minute isn't very nice). He said I can have an afternoon or two off during the week. He said we could get a cleaner for home so that I don't have to do it all. He said he doesn't want to give up hope that we won't have a baby and that he would look at fostering if that's what I want.

Can you not see that this is just words again and that his actions will not back them up. He will let you down again and again and again. You cannot believe his promises and it's clear that you know in your heart they are not true.

Regarding the course, now you have signed up for it don't you have to pay for it anyway?

Moviestar · 27/09/2020 10:21

Dear OP.
I feel terribly sad reading your last post.
Your husband does not love you and want what is best for you.
He only wants what is best for him.
You stood in front of him crying, with a dream in your hands which you had achieved all by yourself.
He has persuaded you to throw away that dream because it doesn't suit him.
He spied on you , that's how he found out.
He has now persuaded you to throw away your dream and go back to being his servant, under his complete control.
Nothing has changed since last week except he found out and is fighting to control you.
You still want to do it.
You still can do it.
You have the power to change your life for good, but you are handing it back to a man who does not love you.
Imagine you had a daughter and she was in this exact position , what would you say to her??
What would you do?
You would drive over there , put every one of her belongings in your car and drive her to her Uni to grasp her chance to fulfill her dreams and live her life.
I hope you will find the strength to leave and take the opportunity that YOU MADE for yourself.
Please don't spend 30 years looking back and regretting your missed chance.
I wish you the very best.

HotSauceCommittee · 27/09/2020 18:50

How many posts on MN do you see from women who regret leaving?

How many have you seen by women saying that they are so much happier since they left?

There is no contest.

wishywashywoowoo70 · 27/09/2020 18:53

@Moviestar

Dear OP. I feel terribly sad reading your last post. Your husband does not love you and want what is best for you. He only wants what is best for him. You stood in front of him crying, with a dream in your hands which you had achieved all by yourself. He has persuaded you to throw away that dream because it doesn't suit him. He spied on you , that's how he found out. He has now persuaded you to throw away your dream and go back to being his servant, under his complete control. Nothing has changed since last week except he found out and is fighting to control you. You still want to do it. You still can do it. You have the power to change your life for good, but you are handing it back to a man who does not love you. Imagine you had a daughter and she was in this exact position , what would you say to her?? What would you do? You would drive over there , put every one of her belongings in your car and drive her to her Uni to grasp her chance to fulfill her dreams and live her life. I hope you will find the strength to leave and take the opportunity that YOU MADE for yourself. Please don't spend 30 years looking back and regretting your missed chance. I wish you the very best.
All of this. Please OP read and think again before throwing away this fantastic chance to enjoy your life
forrestgreen · 27/09/2020 20:54

I hope you're still reading, you're not a failure, please come back when you're feeling stronger

Wallywobbles · 27/09/2020 21:10

This is your life. Not his. You are only responsible for your life and your happiness. You are so young to throw away the next 50 years.

everythingbackbutyou · 28/09/2020 07:58

I know it’s scary as fuck - I’ve done it. You can do it too. You can xxxxx

justilou1 · 28/09/2020 12:41

Sweetie, please don’t have a baby with this man. What if you have a daughter. Can you imagine how miserable she would be? Locked away from the world like Rapunzel? This is how we see you, too. Waiting for someone to rescue you. Unfortunately there are no more knights on white horses. Of course, if the baby were a boy, your DH would throw him every freedom and expect you to treat him as your “little prince”. You would create another “DH” to be someone else’s problem. Only you can rescue yourself from this future......

Daftapath · 28/09/2020 13:04

OP please pop back and let us know you are ok if you are still reading. It doesn't matter if you have changed your mind and are staying for now. Hell, it took me 10yrs to leave!

I consider those as 10 wasted years now but I can recognise that I had to wait until I was ready.

SpaceOP · 28/09/2020 14:18

OP I was on your first thread and have been keeping an eye on this one. I'm so sorry. This man may, in his own way, love you. But that doesn't change the fact that he's manipulating and controlling you and doesn't ant you to try new things, especially if they impact him. Read those old threads and your diary again - he shouts at you, he physically hurts you, he doesn't care about your emotions.

And yy to a pp who commented on call centre work. My Dh did it for a while. He hated it. Got fired at least once, possibly twice (We've both blocked the experience from our minds). He has struggled but today he's working in a job he loves, after retraining. And he's doing so very very well - just recently got picked for a big project with more responsibility etc etc.

I'd almost understand if he said that you're so good at working for him and the business would struggle but he's not saying that. He's saying you can't do anything else. He's saying your MH is crap. Well, it seems to me that a woman who can apply for, and get, a place on a teacher training course while still living her normal life etc etc is clearly someone who is highly capable.

If he really loved you he'd be doing whatever he could to support you in this dream of yours.

Inaseagull · 28/09/2020 14:40

Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change. Tony Robbins.

We all believe you can do this 🌟

goody2shooz · 28/09/2020 15:23

He’s probably confiscated her phone or ‘accidentally’ broken or lost it...

TorkTorkBam · 28/09/2020 15:31

I too assumed she no longer has unsupervised access to the internet.

Or she is in an absolute pit of despair and is hiding from the thread.

Daftapath · 28/09/2020 16:06

@goody2shooz

He’s probably confiscated her phone or ‘accidentally’ broken or lost it...

Quite possibly Sad

SpaceOP · 28/09/2020 17:41

@goody2shooz

He’s probably confiscated her phone or ‘accidentally’ broken or lost it...
I think it's more likely that he's got so into her head, she thinks that she's 100% in the wrong, combined with now feels so guilty that even just picking up her phone is something she needs to justify.

OP, when you can and are ready, please come back.

Catmaiden · 28/09/2020 17:52

@StupidArgument, no judgement from me, and we all know how hard it is to leave. You can do it though! Please come back and talk to us.

excelledyourself · 28/09/2020 18:24

I clicked this thread and went and read the first.

Coming back to this one, I'm so sorry to see that he's got inside your head.

He physically hurts you
He manipulates you
He gaslights you
He controls you
He puts you down
He isolates you

He doesn't believe you know your own mind
He doesn't believe in you or your dreams
He doesn't love you
He doesn't even like you

All these strangers on the internet care far more for you than the man you married. We see your worth. We see the life you deserve and could have.

I second the person who said our kids needs teachers like you. People who can empathise with them, believe in them, and inspire them to be themselves, and stand up for themselves.

But to do that for them, you first need to do this for yourself. Whatever it takes. Even if you have to walk away with nothing. You said it yourself, people leave with far less.

I don't know what's keeping you from returning. But from the point of view of your physical safety, I'm really glad you confided in your mum about your plans.

Tigersneeze · 28/09/2020 19:20

@StupidArgument I hope you will read all the latest messages here at one point -
please know we are all here, without judgment.
If you have changed your mind about leaving, we are here to listen.

If you need more time to decide what you want to do, we are here to support.

RandomMess · 28/09/2020 21:01

Have been thinking you, I hope you have deferred your place.

Leaving is not easy, it's usual for it to take many attempts.

Respect to you for surviving a call centre job, I couldn't do it!!!

combatbarbie · 29/09/2020 10:29

I suspect the op won't be back now. He will have filled her full of empty promises and I doubt she has started the course. She seemed so strong too, I really thought she was going to escape him.

ittooshallpass · 29/09/2020 11:04

It's so sad. But we all know it's not easy to see the wood for the trees when you're in it.

I hope OP will get away next time she tries. We'll all be here to help her.

Myshitisreal · 29/09/2020 13:53

I've been following from your first thread.

Im Not here to tell you how you must leave him. I'm very saddened to read your latest few posts though. Your whole tone and personality has changed and it makes me so sad he's done this to you .

I hope you're ok and you have someone trustworthy and reliable to chat to in real life about this. Sending much love. Please take care of yourself

TaraR2020 · 29/09/2020 19:01

Please, please continue with your course!!

No sign is bigger than the excitement, joy and hope you felt at ease being accepted, enrolling and starting- this is your gut and your soul telling you that it is right for you!

Why would you follow a path that makes you feel depressed,restrained and hopeless?

Your life can be so amazing, it can be everything you want it to be, trust in the positive and run from the negative and the fear.

You can do it, you are more than capable of doing the degree- they wouldn't have accepted you otherwise! Follow your passion and chase your freedom and don't give up now!

Swipe left for the next trending thread