Petty Argument Thread 2

[StupidArgument]

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I just wanted to post a follow on from my previous thread, as I've been getting so much advice and support. In a nutshell; DH and I had a silly argument and going through it on here has really made me realise how unhappy I am in my life. I applied for and accepted a place on a teaching course starting in a couple of weeks but I'm feeling really conflicted! I don't want to hurt DH but also can't stay.

Oh you silly girl, you are talking yourself out of this (like your mum) and you will be trapped in this miserable existence if you don’t grab your golden ring and RUN!!!
You are young and healthy. Go!!! Take a chance!!!

OP you know that places to on this course are like hens teeth.

Start the course and stay at home if you absolutely must. That would be a test of your partners new found changes. Have you told him you have a place yet? And if not have you asked yourself why you haven't?

The debt will be cleared when the money comes in. You can't change the timescale on that. In the meantime stay at home or stay with family/friends. But DO start the course.

Maybe reread the whole thread too. You are obviously very good at forgiving and giving second chances....great traits in teachers by the way...As for corona virus the school will be closed if necessary and I believe they are going to prioritise school staff for tests so you'll be in a better position than some.

Start the course.

Your DH might be lovely now? Well then, he won't have the slightest issue with you doing the course will he?

You have the fear. Notice it for what it is.

How will you feel in future if you don't start the course now?

Start the course!!!!

You have been telling him for months/years you are miserable working for him.

How about going to your sisters for a few weeks?

It’s just nerves. The emotional programming this loser has out you through for years doesn’t want to let you go. You are SO close to freedom. You might feel like you can’t do it, but that doesn’t mean it’s right, it’s just a feeling. Your rational brain knows what to do. This is a massive chance, an amazing shot to change your life. KOKO

You need to start the course. It’s your way out of this. Imagine if he’s nice for a bit and you don’t do it. But then slowly he goes back to his old ways and in 6 months’ time you’re doing your old job and in a shit relationship. No course, no way out.

Sorry, that shouldn’t say no way out. There is always a way out. But the course gives you a lot of benefits, including a new beginning and new focus.

Start the course.
Stay at home if you must.

See how "changed" he is when he knows you have chosen to do something outside what he allows.

Stay in the house till the money arrives.
But for goodness sake don't give up this course.

You will regret within weeks, if not days doing so, and there will be no going back.

Of course you are feeling better, you are so trapped and afraid and suddenly you have a key to a side door.

Of course that has calmed you.
Your stress if hugely exacerbated by feeling so powerless for so long.

Now you have reclaimed some power, please don't hand it back because of a bump in the road.

See who he is by telling him you are starting the course.

See how "changed" he is.

He has absolutely sensed that you have been organising yourself.

That is the ONLY reason he has transformed into Mr Nice.....pure self interest.

Pure self interest.

Tell him you are starting the course and see the real him.

You have been so amazing, don't give up this wonderful dream you have.

Start the course. We can all absolutely guarantee that when future you is looking back on this moment, if you have not started the course you will regret it horribly; if you start the course, you will not. We can guarantee that's the case. Stay at home if you need to. But this is a golden opportunity. You must take it. Even if it's uncomfortable now, your future self will thank you so much for starting the course.

A- he's turned over a new leaf so tell him about the course, you've just sorted it out and it starts Monday, you'll do some nights for him until he gets someone else. There's loads of people out of work so he'll easily get sorted.

B- keep it quiet and defer due to abuse at home, get financials in place, get another job and leave.

START THE COURSE
you can sort everything else out later

Hi Op. I haven’t posted before but I have been following your story from the start. Please don’t give up now no matter how hard it seems. You don’t have to leave him yet. Just start the course and take it from there. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Please please don’t give up on your dream.

Another who's been reading your story but hasn't posted yet. Start the course, you can do it.

Debt shmebt, whether its paid now, in three weeks or in three years- dont let that hold you back when you have a chance to restart your life!

Start the course! Beg or borrow money if that is the difficulty, but get out and be free!

does it really matter about the debt-youre panicking of course but just remember why youre doing this go back and read your thread

he thinks hes placated you by by saying how hard a childhood hes hadits still not an excuse to being abusive

You are going to regret this for a LOOOOOONG time if you don’t do it

Another here who's been following and hoping for a happy outcome for you.

The advice you've had above is good: tell him about the course and you will be able to judge by his reaction whether or not he has really changed.

Like others, I suspect he has noticed you pulling away from him emotionally, and is temporarily being nicer to reel you back in.

I wish I knew you in real life so I could support you through this!

Come on OP, give the course a go at least. If it doesn't work out it doesn't work out, and you go back to living as you are, but at least give it a shot. Your DH is in charm mode as he feels you pulling away. Once he has you back where he wants you you know it will be business as usual - it's the nice/nasty cycle of abuse. Your DH and your mother have both done a real number on you. I want to come and rescue you from them!

@daftapath @cosmicvagina @catmaiden @gabsalot

The reason I need these debts cleared is because if they aren't, I will be about £500 a month short for bills etc. You only get £7000 a year with student finance, I'm not eligible for any further help or benefits or anything. So that's just about £600 per month which will just cover all my bills, food, transport etc. Mortgage is £500 per month but we have an overpayment on that so I wouldn't have to actually pay the mortgage for two years, and my plan was to try and work full time in the summer holidays to save for the third year. I would plan to get a lodger but that's assuming everything goes to plan and I can get someone, it's not something I could do tomorrow. The debts are about £500 per month - stupidly I got them in my name for something joint and the payment to clear them is coming in in DHs name. If I go to Uni I can't afford to pay them and live. And if I leave DH before it's come in DH could just not give it to me, or if he leaves me because I do the course.

I honestly just want to run. I feel like I am having a huge visceral flight response, my body is aching to just run and hide. That sounds very overdramatic but it's true.

If I stay with him and start the course anyway, at least temporarily, I could tell him I could still work evenings/Saturdays/around the course as my first placement wouldn't be for a couple of months and hopefully fingers crossed the money would be in by then.

How would I go about even telling him? He's going to be so angry with me for keeping such a big thing from him and giving him no notice about it. I'm scared of what his response will be.

1. You are married. Assets are joint. You may have a temporary cashflow problem but not long term and not even immediately it seems. The money will get sorted. It will be fine.

1. Running is a good plan. You are right that he won't take it well. That's why you kept the course and planned to run when you had this money thing sorted. The money is delayed but the plan is still sound. Run to the other flat, start the course, tell him you were afraid to tell him because you thought he would try to stop you.

You had a plan. A good plan. Nothing ever goes exactly according to plan. You can still achieve the core objectives of the plan. Move out, become a teacher, become independent of him and of your overbearing mother. Still a great plan.

How would I go about even telling him? He's going to be so angry with me for keeping such a big thing from him and giving him no notice about it. I'm scared of what his response will be.

You will face this dilemma with any action you take towards independence. He will always be angry. He will always find a reason to make it your fault. You will have to push through it unless you want to live as a prisoner forever.

At this point I think you would be wise to just leave silently as planned and tell him from afar.

The debts are still marital debts OP not just yours alone. You are, should you need too, in a good position for financial bartering in divorce.

We can all sense you are wavering...... If he's being lovely like you have said he will understand why you didn't tell him. But the fact you are scared too reinforces why you are here now.

This is one of the tricky bits, you just need to come out and tell him. If his reaction is to explode then pack what you need for now and head to your parents.

If you don't start this course you will regret it and the prepping and planning will have been for nothing, you can just continue in your old life being unhappy and being controlled.