Petty Argument Thread 2

[StupidArgument]

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I just wanted to post a follow on from my previous thread, as I've been getting so much advice and support. In a nutshell; DH and I had a silly argument and going through it on here has really made me realise how unhappy I am in my life. I applied for and accepted a place on a teaching course starting in a couple of weeks but I'm feeling really conflicted! I don't want to hurt DH but also can't stay.

Also, look at the student bursary. I got £8,000 when I did my PGCE at OB. I was single, with my own place (council) plus 2 littlies. Just filled in the form expecting to get a few hundred for books. Totally gobsmacked. The unis have t9 give the money out so they can claim again for the following year, so start the course and claim asap.

Just go!

@TorkTorkBam

How would I go about even telling him? He's going to be so angry with me for keeping such a big thing from him and giving him no notice about it. I'm scared of what his response will be.

You will face this dilemma with any action you take towards independence. He will always be angry. He will always find a reason to make it your fault. You will have to push through it unless you want to live as a prisoner forever.

At this point I think you would be wise to just leave silently as planned and tell him from afar.

You're right, I can't avoid him being angry, he's going to be whatever happens. I can't seem to get out of the mindset of always putting him first.

I just had to ring student finance and even the person I spoke to there was cheering me on and encouraging me to get my degree

That’s a much better update. Life is not a rehearsal. This is your one shot. Doing this course is SO important. Telling him is a hurdle you have to jump but that’s all it is. Move to the other property and do it from there if that is easier for you. Do anything you need to do to ensure you start this course on Monday.

You have to do the course. You have to.

It's not negotiable. You're doing it.

Please don't live your life his way, OP.

These chances for a completely fresh start come along very rarely OP, grab yours with both hands and please do the course! You'll be a fantastic teacher. Think of all the kids that will benefit from your petty argument

Rooting for you OP. Please do the course, you've come so so far to just give it all up. This is your dream and you probably won't have another chance. You only live once and you deserve happiness.

@ StupidArgument

You are getting more scared and nervous as it's getting more real with each passing day, nearer and nearer to your escape from being controlled.

It's NORMAL, and like a PP said, you will face having this reaction to any sign of independence you dare to show him !

You are so near to being free, you just need to quietly move out and tell him over the phone about the course. Can you still see how you being scared to share the news that you're able to get on a course to fulfill your lifetime ambition to be a teacher is so wrong!

Do not panic about finances, the will get sorted out. You do not need to have everything in place before leaving !
( I had to give up my job and start claiming benefits when I threw ExH out. I had never been on any benefits and had no idea when I would have any money coming in with 2 DC under 3 to feed and clothe ! But it got worked out !)

Do not trust the new man your dh is claiming to become with all his 'helping' and 'heart to heart' conversations either. He's just making all the moves he feels he has to so he can keep you exactly where he wants you ! At no point will he ever say, ''you can choose to go to bed/ do the uni course/ work wherever you want'' !

What he will say is more like '' doing the course will mean the business will go under !'' or ''maybe you could do it in a year or two, when I've got the business more sorted ?'' or ''you know you can't manage to do that, you're already saying working with me is too stressful !'' or ''I need you to help me !''

Basically anything to keep you in your proper place !

Stay strong ! Re-read the whole thread ! Do not waver from your goal, because your goal is freedom, NOTHING LESS

Try flipping this anger thing on its head. Given you know you need to leave him for good, why does it matter if he is convinced you are a terrible person because you got the course, moved to the other place and then phoned him to say you've left him?

Give the man a parting gift of embracing being the bad crazy ex, who does not even try to appease him nor end it gently. Own it. Work it. To your advantage.

Please just go OP.

The money will sort itself out. Even if you don't get the money from him straight away you can live on the money you do have until the money comes through.

Listen to everyone who is willing you on. Even the university staff are willing you on!

Listen to your instinct and run, run, run!

Remind me OP, do you have joint savings accounts or a current account with a quantity of money in?

You would be entitled to take at least half out when you go.

When you divorce all debts, savings, pensions, assets will go into the pot and be divided. That debt will also be accounted for in that.

I would be moving out into your other property ASAP and advertise for a lodger. This could be done quite quickly. Then start your course and take your time to wrangle over the details of separation and eventually divorce.

So not lose this opportunity. As others have said upthread, your panic or perfectly understandable and to be expected. I was the same when I confronted my XH. You are in a strong position, you have somewhere else that you can go easily and your dream step of going to uni.

How long does it take for a divorce or settlement to go through in a best case scenario? I know worst case scenario it could take years. I've been looking for a weekend job but not managed to get anything yet.

I know I'm in a good position to leave because I do have somewhere to go but we are quite cash-poor at the moment and it does make things tricky. If he decided to make things difficult for me financially I would run out of money after six months at the very most.

Would you be eligible for any other benefits. Turn2you will help you see what's available.
I agree you'll be skint for a while, could your mum help you financially for a while?
Go see a solicitor, they're help you think through assets and debts

Definitely go see a solicitor on the money side.

Six months is AGES. It is great you can keep going that long. Even if the divorce takes a year, in six months time you will be closer to a settlement and may have had a partial settlement.

Have a little think about what could make his life difficult. What cards could you hold to make him want to get to the final settlement faster?

Perhaps I am being dumb but wouldn't you do some form of tutoring of children as your part time job while studying to be teacher?

Have you looked into specific bursaries for teacher training:
www.gov.uk/teacher-training-funding

Also when I was at uni there was a hardship fund you could apply to if you needed to e.g. change accommodation or had particular financial difficulties. If you look up student services / hardship hopefully there is something else you can apply for. I got help moving house mid way through year 2 of degree as I was trying to leave an abusive relationship.

Also when I went to study a Masters there was a particular grant you could apply for just for the course I was doing, was a single page form, everyone on my course applied and we all got £1000 each. It wasn’t advertised anywhere, only heard about it as one of the other students asked specifically at student services for help.

Good luck, please don’t give up now. As pp have said he’s going to be angry no matter what. Do this for you, it’s your dream. Move out to the other house and look for a lodger ASAP.

@ProfessorPootle I have looked for teacher training burasries but there isn't anything I've seen. It's part of a full 3 year degree so not a PGCE. One of the course leaders at Uni talked to all the potential candidates before the interview as a group and she did touch on a hardship fund, hopefully I wouldn't need to use it but nice to know it's there if I'm really struggling.

If need be, you may be able to rent out your whole house and then get a flat share somewhere. The rent may be enough to pay the mortgage and your rent.

The mortgage will be a joint expense until you are divorced, don't forget.

@TorkTorkBam yeah I feel a bit of a brat now to be honest, I know that I am leaving in a lot better circumstances than some other women do. At the end of the day I'll have a roof over my head and I think @forrestgreen asked about my Mum, she couldn't really support me financially but she could feed me and I could do some things like wash my clothes at hers. I know that's a lot more than some people have to leave with and it is just me, no children to worry about.

And I'm not sure about tutoring, I assumed you would have to be qualified to do that? I do have to do placements in schools but they're not paid.

DH isn't home until late tonight so I'm packing a bag of essentials to take with me when I go. So far I have:

Passport
Spare car key
Spare house keys
Old purse with my bank cards and about £100 cash
Hard drive with all my photos etc on
iPad
Pyjamas
Two sets of clean clothes
Toothbrush
Diary
Small makeup bag with a few basic bits in

Is there anything else I'm overlooking? I'm working on the assumption that I can get back in to get the rest of my clothes and books and things.

I'm actually surprised because looking around and really thinking about what means something to me, there is actually very little that I couldn't be without, or that I wasn't willing to risk getting thrown away or burnt or something for the sake of leaving. Of course I want to come back and get my things but it's reassuring to feel like this in a way, I'm usually quite attached to my stuff.

It's like my instincts are trying to tell me something, I need to listen more.

Anyone can tutor and you would advertise yourself as a teacher still currently training and charge less. Maths is a massive earner for tutoring, but I've had people approach me literacy, science, spelling and Welsh. I charge £25 an hour but I know there are people who charge £35 an hour locally and then some who charge less.

How about access to financial documentation. I know you said you handle the money but what if he blocks your access. Is it worth taking photos of accounts or anything else that proves incomes?

Chargers for any devices you have.
Hair brush.
More clothes than just two sets.
Any medication you take.

You could take in a lodger within a couple of weeks and have both company and an income stream. You have good options.

You are not being a brat. You are a woman who has got herself into a bad situation in one area of life who has also put herself into a good situation in other ways. Give yourself credit for the fact that you have all these nice options that some other women do not have when a relationship ends.

Those options did not fall out of the sky. They are the result of wise decisions you have made over the years.

@StupidArgument

DH isn't home until late tonight so I'm packing a bag of essentials to take with me when I go. So far I have:

Passport
Spare car key
Spare house keys
Old purse with my bank cards and about £100 cash
Hard drive with all my photos etc on
iPad
Pyjamas
Two sets of clean clothes
Toothbrush
Diary
Small makeup bag with a few basic bits in

Is there anything else I'm overlooking? I'm working on the assumption that I can get back in to get the rest of my clothes and books and things.

I'm actually surprised because looking around and really thinking about what means something to me, there is actually very little that I couldn't be without, or that I wasn't willing to risk getting thrown away or burnt or something for the sake of leaving. Of course I want to come back and get my things but it's reassuring to feel like this in a way, I'm usually quite attached to my stuff.

It's like my instincts are trying to tell me something, I need to listen more.

Marriage certificate Birth certificate Logbook and insurance documents for your car Your own financial documents if not already online (eg: P60s, P11Ds, payslips with your own NI# on) Keys for the other house His National Insurance number (always useful...)

I'm so very glad you are moving forward to do the course OP. May you see rainbows (and get the pot of gold - a better future- at the end). 🌹

All keys to the other house and paperwork regarding the properties - mortgages.
Copies of bills
Information on all accounts, debts
Any info on the business
Items from the kitchen to set yourself up.
Tv if you have two?
Info on car - mot info
Put as much of your stuff as you can into your car. Could you do an initial run now before he gets home?