Petty Argument Thread 2

[StupidArgument]

Previous Thread

I just wanted to post a follow on from my previous thread, as I've been getting so much advice and support. In a nutshell; DH and I had a silly argument and going through it on here has really made me realise how unhappy I am in my life. I applied for and accepted a place on a teaching course starting in a couple of weeks but I'm feeling really conflicted! I don't want to hurt DH but also can't stay.

Glad I found you again! You can do this

Wow, I've just read your full threads and it's made me a bit teary tbh...in April I left my dh over virtually the same arguments. I was told to come up with a list of ways I can change my behaviour to show him I'm sorry for an argument. We have a daughter which means no clean break for me but things are moving slowly forward. I have a thread going somewhere if can search by username (no idea how to link sorry!) But I'm so happy you're doing your course (I'm studying too alongside working full-time and was always a reason I couldn't have 'study time')

I just can't believe how many similarities there is with your husband's behaviour as there is to mine. It's shocked me. My councillor btw has told me she thinks it's emotional abuse - was a very eye opening conversation xx

Well done @StupidArgument keep moving forward. Living in other house away from him sounds good. I’m glad you’re not standing for this anymore. He’s awful.

@kshaw I found your thread and have read through it. At first I felt bad because your husband seemed awful and I sometimes feel like I'm complaining over nothing with mine. But reading through, you're right, there are so many similarities.

Then I saw an update where you'd wrote about how he locked you out and went to bed before you came home, and mine did something similar to me once. I can't quite remember the details of it - I'm remembering so much lately, I feel like there are all these horrible incidents with DH that I've forgotten about, that I've just repressed.

I read through my old thread earlier today and I'm already struggling to remember the original argument that prompted me to come on here. I don't have a problem with my memory usually, in fact it's normally very good. All I seem to remember is the warning signs and avoiding them and use them to try and control his behaviour and reactions via my own.

Also, I do the minimum of 95% of the work around the house and cooking meals etc, he will help with some things if I ask him but like your ex it has to be asked in a certain way otherwise he won't, and then he needs a lot of applause for it. For example, if he makes a cup of tea he'll say "do you want a Brian cup of tea or a StupidArgument cup of tea" and I have to say a Brian one, because he thinks he's much better at making tea than I am, yet they can't be that bad as he's happy for me to make the majority of cups of tea!

I'm sorry if that's long, I hope it hasn't triggered you or anything. I'm so glad you're away and moving forward with your life and studying

@RandomMess I'm working from home but he goes out during the day, we don't normally work in the office together.

@LannieDuck no it starts in a couple of weeks! Not much time I know, but if I'm making a new start I would rather jump straight in, I already feel like I've wasted a lot of my life, I don't want to waste another year as well.

if I'm making a new start I would rather jump straight in, I already feel like I've wasted a lot of my life, I don't want to waste another year as well.

That is amazing to read! I'm so pleased to hear this mindset! You've got this.

@StupidArgument I love how you're referring to him as Brian on the thread now

So pleased to see you're making plans OP. You sound much more positive and sure of what you want to do. I hope the next couple of weeks go ok for you.

Thanks @stupidargument I'm not going to lie it's not been easy but not CONSTANTLY being on eggshells is brilliant. I don't miss him at all which is telling I'm sure. You'll get there. I think I've missed the routine of talking to him more than actually talking to him if that makes sense? No modifying my normal behaviour to offset his abnormal behaviour. It's eye opening

I'm so glad I found this new thread and that you are moving fwd with your plan. You have been on my mind a lot. There's gonna be some tough times ahead but we're always here to support you!

well done op keep going just keep re reading your op dont convince yourslef its nothing-hes been slowly grinding you down its been subtle

Well done :)

Still gobsmacked at his "letting you" do a course. He really has shown he cares nothing for your mental health.

Following your progress and wishing you well

Re the lodgers thing. I’ve had friends who have lodgers Monday to Friday only. So people like builders who are working on projects away from home. That could be an option if you don’t want people there at weekends. She never had any trouble finding anyone. Not sure if that’s the same now tho coz of pandemic. Just thought of that.

Lodgings could be just perfect for you.
The quicker you rent a room the better.
You could quietly move bits there.

Don't tell anyone exactly where you will be. Also perhaps pick up a new phone and number.
Keep the old shitty phone for dealing with him.

Wishing you continued strength.

I really hope this works out for you.

Rooting for you OP 💐

How are you doing OP?

Been thinking of you OP, hope things are OK x

@StupidArgument I hope you are ok xx

Thank you to the people who said they were thinking of me. Sorry for being quiet on here; I didn't mean to not come on, I've been trying to get everything sorted out but now everything has gone to shit.

The payment I was waiting on coming through to clear some joint debts we have, isn't going to come for probably another 3 weeks. So basically I can't afford to leave, I can't stop working for my husband and my course is supposed to start on Monday. I'm a mess, I just don't know what to do, I can't see a way out of this now.

I'm finding it hard that I stayed so long after planning to leave, he has been so kind and lovely to me, and out of nowhere we had a massive heart to heart last weekend about why he is why he is. He did have an awful upbringing and I can see why he tries to control situations.

Also, because I've had an escape plan in place my anxiety in general has been much better so now it's almost as if I don't feel that desperate desire to leave anymore, like I don't "feel" how awful and miserable I was before any more but the only thing that's changed to fix it is I made a plan to leave, if that makes sense?

Also Covid-19 cases are increasing and a couple of local schools have had cases, so I'm scared I will catch it on a placement. I'm having loads of doubts about my ability in general to do the course and ultimately a teaching job (thanks to my Mum I think, I wish I hadn't said anything to her, I just have her voice in my head now)

I'm sorry if this is rambly, I feel a bit panicky about it all and like I've messed everything up and it's just impossible to sort out now.

Hi Op, have you thought about just telling your DH that you've got the place on the course and you ARE doing it. Tell him your decision is made and you would like him to support you. Tell him you'll help find someone to fill your old role in the business. Maybe give him the chance to do the right thing. If he kicks up fuss you know leaving is the right way to go.
I would tell him tomorrow you want to do the course. If he loves you, he can let you do it with his blessing.

Haven’t posted on your thread before but just wanted to give you some moral support and say there is always a way. Others will probably give better practical advice but I just wanted to let you know there are people in your corner cheering you on

Why do you need this money before you leave? I appreciate that it is to clear some debts but that doesn't stop you from still following through with your plans.