Petty Argument Thread 2

[StupidArgument]

Previous Thread

I just wanted to post a follow on from my previous thread, as I've been getting so much advice and support. In a nutshell; DH and I had a silly argument and going through it on here has really made me realise how unhappy I am in my life. I applied for and accepted a place on a teaching course starting in a couple of weeks but I'm feeling really conflicted! I don't want to hurt DH but also can't stay.

hes gaslighting you op-its sad youre back to square one i do hope you do the course stil though you were so happy you got chosen

On the days I feel low and not good enough at what I do I look at the print on my wall that says 'if you're going to rise you may as well shine'. Go and shine @StupidArgument

He said that I have a tendency to think that this would solve my problem and it never does the problem is still there and this will be the same.

That's because the problem is him!

The sign you are looking for is people you dont know, willing you on to freedom on the internet.

He's an abusive armhole, live your life, do the course

Please become a teacher.

Our children need a woman like you to teach them; with your strength, intelligence and passion. I know this is who you are as it comes through in your posts. This is a set-back, but please don't let it be the end of your dream.

I hope you are still reading OP and can take strength from all the wise women on here, imploring you to carry on.

@DaVinyl

Please become a teacher.

Our children need a woman like you to teach them; with your strength, intelligence and passion. I know this is who you are as it comes through in your posts. This is a set-back, but please don't let it be the end of your dream.

I hope you are still reading OP and can take strength from all the wise women on here, imploring you to carry on.

This. A thousand times this.

He's really manipulative and cruel.

He has basically told you to remember you don't do anything right.

You DO do things right. Because you were chosen to go on this course. You were selected by professionals who chose YOU above other people based on their professional experience and knowledge.

Your partner is a bully. He wants you to feel shit about yourself so you're scared to grow or flourish because he knows when you do you will realise what a weak, nasty, mean spirited person he is and you'll leave.

I can't wait for that to happen.

Until then you're putting your happiness and your life on hold for someone who doesn't think you're worthy of happiness and growth.

You are. You are, you are, you are.

I haven't posted before because you have been given such wonderful advice.

He threw a book at you while you weren't paying attention and hurt you. He humiliated you in front of your Mother. He has hurt you in the past. He's a bully and selfish.

You are strong enough and smart enough to do this course. It's time to believe in yourself because if you don't, who will?

If he considers you unaccomplished and unsuitable for so many jobs why is he so desperate for you to remain working for him? Could it be that actually when you put your mind to something you do it really well? Remember working for him is the only thing he hasn't put obstacles in the way of (probably because it's what he wants) and you do it well.

You spent 10 minutes (or so) at the door talking to your sister and in that time he thought ‘I must check her phone while she’s gone’. That’s just not normal. That is controlling. And because he’s now found out he’s managed to talk you out of all your dreams.
He won’t support you? He could say ‘give it a go, if it doesn’t work out at least you won’t spend your life thinking ‘what if’ ‘.
I’m so sorry you are doubting yourself, I think you are worth so much more.

He's said what he needs to say to get you back in your box, OP. You'll be there forever if you believe him.

Oh dear, OP @StupidArgument, please, please read and take on
board all these comments!
We are all rooting for you, cheering you on!

Definitely rooting for you

I can't believe what I am reading. For the love of God, you were ready..... Why was he checking your phone??? One conversation later you are staying and will continue to be unhappy. He won't change OP......

Please go, it's him, he's what's wrong. You need to leave now

@StupidArgument

He found out about the course.

I'd changed my password on my phone but he managed to guess it, I think it made him suspicious that I'd changed it. I'd been so careful about not leaving it lying around but my sister called to drop something off and I chatted to her on the doorstep for a bit. When I came back he'd seen a message with a link to download the official Uni app, saying something like "now you're enrolled".

I couldn't think of anything to say but the truth, so I told him. To be fair, he wasn't angry. He was annoyed at first but I was in tears, I told him that he knows how unhappy I've been at work and that I need to change something and that I don't know how I can carry on feeling like this. I told him everything about the course and work.

He said he would support me if I wanted to do the course, but that he didn't think I should do it. He reminded me of the things I've tried, and failed at, in the past. He said he didn't think my mental health was in the right place to manage it. He said if I don't like being stressed at work then how will I cope being a teacher?

He's right. Everything he said is right, to be fair. I have had multiple jobs in the past, I have tried things and failed. I spent a lot of time working in call centres which I hated. He said that I have a tendency to think that this would solve my problem and it never does the problem is still there and this will be the same.

I can't leave him. I just can't do it. I don't have the strength. I don't have the confidence. He is right, everything he said is right. And he looked so hurt that I'd done all this behind his back, I feel so guilty.

To be fair, he did say he would start to support me better at work. He said he would make time to spend a day or two in the office each week so he brought less paperwork home. He said we could change our office (the one we're in at the minute isn't very nice). He said I can have an afternoon or two off during the week. He said we could get a cleaner for home so that I don't have to do it all. He said he doesn't want to give up hope that we won't have a baby and that he would look at fostering if that's what I want.

It will have to be enough. I think I'm just going to have to accept that my life is what it is, not everyone gets to work in a job that they love, and I will just have to find a way to deal with it. I need to change my attitude so I'm not always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

I'm sorry to let everyone down, you've all been so kind and supportive to me. Thank you so much for all your comments and your help and advice.

@stupidargument This does not sound like you. This sounds like 'Brian'. This is the woo sign of what your life staying would be. You try to do something for you and he pushes you down. To the point that he takes away some of your hard earned freedom. You've been bad so instead of having all days to yourself your jailor will now be at home two days a week to supervise you. To make it bearable he will spruce up your cell and give you a cleaner so you can do an approved inmate activity. Your mental health is exactly where it would be for anyone in these circumstances. But you have a ray of hope. He has said he would support you with the course (even though he tried to talk you out of it). And give you more time. So tell him this is what you really want to do. The course makes you happy, so you want to try it for a couple of months, while he supports you in the way he offered. Tell him you need this and if in that time you 'fail again' you will be happier at home working for him as you will have tried it and got it out of your system. Even say that after that maybe you could start exploring the thought of a baby.

None of this is your truth, but in order to break free later, you need to placate him now. You know how to do that, you've been doing it for years.

However, you do have a fire in you glowing, something he doesn't know, an ace up your sleeve. You started planning leaving. You visualised your life wearing what you want, doing the course, going to bed when you want. All you need to do is keep the ember alive until the opportune moment when you get out.

Deep down you know your truth, you know what you want, and you know you can do it. Don't let your jailor get away with abusing you. Get angry, but keep that anger in the ember and only let him see the person he has created.

I see you! You are strong. You know what you don't want. You will find what you want by trial and error, like the rest of us.
Please don't give up.
We are here and we see you!

Just popping on to say please please don't stay! YOU ARE WORTH MORE THAN THIS
You CAN break away & be happy xx

@

I see you. I see the real you

You have started a chain of events in motion which will not be derailed.

A setback will not alter the end result for you.

He has cast you back into the abyss which has been your life............up until now.

You are the author of your own life, not him.

He is simply the author of your misery.

It doesn't MATTER if you try 100 things and fail at them all ..................it only matters that you choose what to try, and that you choose* to keep trying new things................

Breaking free from his sick hold over you IS the only future you have that's worth living.

Just to say I agree with everyone OP... please leave this man.

I hope you’re still reading OP.

I just popped back in because I re-read your last post and spotted that your evidence of your so-called failure is that you tried to work in call centres and hated it.

Here’s a weekend challenge for you - find a single person who doesn’t find call centre work a soul sucking nightmare that makes them feel like there’s no good in the world.

Not being able to hack a call centre doesn’t make you a failure. It means you’re just like everybody else, and like everybody else you deserve to be happy.

Your experiences of “failure” are what almost everyone goes through in their twenties and thirties these days.

I think OP will be back here. I fully expect her husband to ramp up the control and physical abuse as punishment for her wanting to change the status quo.

It can take many attempts for women to leave abusive and controlling relationships.

Could you defer the course for a year to give yourself a chance to sort out the finances and maybe get some support for this huge life change?
It might take the pressure of but obviously gives Husband more chance to work on you to stay and give up.
Work/course aside he still throws things at you and shoves you around.
Wishing you all the very best - have read from the start but never commented and check in every day to see if you are free yet.

Please check if they will allow you to defer, for when you feel stronger.

Please let them know that you are in a highly abusive relationship.

So disappointed for you.

I think you would be a wonderful teacher for some very lucky children.

I say don't defer. Because deferring is the same as not doing. It's the easy way out. It's giving up but pretending to yourself you're not. I mean if you really really have to then do. But if you're doing it to allow him another year to beat you down? No. If the cheque/money is here in 2 weeks then just sit tight till then. Pretend.

As for him supervising you and looking at your phone that has to stop. You can probably buy yourself a lot of privacy by taking the moral high ground here instead of letting him become more controlling because he's justifying it on how you didn't tell him about the course.

Your line here is indignant and if he had been easier to talk to you wouldn't have had to hide it. And that you are sick to death of him treating you like a moron, or a child.

Tell him you've been thinking about leaving because of his controlling behaviour. Let him think you haven't planned anything. Let him think that he can just play nicely for a week or 2 then go back to normal.

But something tells me this calculating and nasty man is already using this against you relentlessly right now and it will be difficult to turn the tables on him. Cause he did his mr nice guy act not long ago so will be well bored with that by now. He will have moved on to mr 'how dare you?' and be using it to have you on a very tight leash indeed.

He sounds to me like one of those horrid religious leaders that tell their followers that god is speaking through him and they must do what he says. That's the vibe I get. Like you are just a useless child who doesn't know what best for her. But he does. Oh he knows exactly what you should be doing at all times. Ugh. He gives me the ick so much. There's something so dysfunctional about this dynamic and how he is - I can't quite put my finger in it but it's a very insidious and cunning form of controlling abuse.

If you need short term cooperation and him out of your hair go to your mums for a few days with an overnight bag. Let him think you've stopped off without planning. Then you can 'hold off' for a couple of days until he backs down and then 'go back'.

Then when the money is sorted you go without warning. By then you won't need to give him an explanation or feel guilty because he will have already it brought to his attention and chosen to continue being a prick.

There's no hope for him. Obviously. You just need to keep this running long enough to be able to go properly.

I strongly suspect that if you defer you will never do it, which would be such a terrible shame. Please don't give up!

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

I say don't defer. Because deferring is the same as not doing. It's the easy way out. It's giving up but pretending to yourself you're not. I mean if you really really have to then do. But if you're doing it to allow him another year to beat you down? No. If the cheque/money is here in 2 weeks then just sit tight till then. Pretend.

As for him supervising you and looking at your phone that has to stop. You can probably buy yourself a lot of privacy by taking the moral high ground here instead of letting him become more controlling because he's justifying it on how you didn't tell him about the course.

Your line here is indignant and if he had been easier to talk to you wouldn't have had to hide it. And that you are sick to death of him treating you like a moron, or a child.

Tell him you've been thinking about leaving because of his controlling behaviour. Let him think you haven't planned anything. Let him think that he can just play nicely for a week or 2 then go back to normal.

But something tells me this calculating and nasty man is already using this against you relentlessly right now and it will be difficult to turn the tables on him. Cause he did his mr nice guy act not long ago so will be well bored with that by now. He will have moved on to mr 'how dare you?' and be using it to have you on a very tight leash indeed.

He sounds to me like one of those horrid religious leaders that tell their followers that god is speaking through him and they must do what he says. That's the vibe I get. Like you are just a useless child who doesn't know what best for her. But he does. Oh he knows exactly what you should be doing at all times. Ugh. He gives me the ick so much. There's something so dysfunctional about this dynamic and how he is - I can't quite put my finger in it but it's a very insidious and cunning form of controlling abuse.

If you need short term cooperation and him out of your hair go to your mums for a few days with an overnight bag. Let him think you've stopped off without planning. Then you can 'hold off' for a couple of days until he backs down and then 'go back'.

Then when the money is sorted you go without warning. By then you won't need to give him an explanation or feel guilty because he will have already it brought to his attention and chosen to continue being a prick.

There's no hope for him. Obviously. You just need to keep this running long enough to be able to go properly.

Great plan. Hate to think of you not getting away from this hideous man.

So sad to read of men who think it's ok to go into your phone.

No decent person would dream of it.

You will never regret leaving him but I fear you have a lifetime of regret ahead of you if you don't