Petty Argument Thread 2

[StupidArgument]

Previous Thread

I just wanted to post a follow on from my previous thread, as I've been getting so much advice and support. In a nutshell; DH and I had a silly argument and going through it on here has really made me realise how unhappy I am in my life. I applied for and accepted a place on a teaching course starting in a couple of weeks but I'm feeling really conflicted! I don't want to hurt DH but also can't stay.

I think that if you can stick around for three weeks then try. Just have a really robust plan B and be ready to bolt at a moments notice. Move things out do that if you have to grab the keys and walk out the door pretending you are going to the shops you can.

See if you can keep him busy or distract him. Pretend you are doing an extra accountancy class or something. Take up a 'hobby' that means you leaving the house isn't unheard of. Just be a little less predictable and easy to track.

Good luck today getting started becoming a teacher.

Have you taken out a student bank account? I assume you can and have your loan put in there, they also give you an overdraft, pretty sure my daughter (at uni) has £1,000 overdraft. That may come in useful for emergencies.
Hope you get a better idea of timetables etc today. I also think you can talk to student finance about all this too, for example bringing payment dates forward.

Yes the more I think about it the more I think you need a three week cover story. Some kind of thing you are doing that helps the business but requires you to go out to 'the library' etc and maybe requires money for books, travel etc. After all he did say you could do pottery 😁

Because your day to day routine will be different and you will have a different air about you and you'll need a nice ready made explanation for it. He has a business so you could look at courses on maybe marketing, or websites, or social media, or extra accounting, or hmrc latest regs. Then quickly get just enough info online to drop buzzwords and sound boring.

You could also 'pay bills' if you have a VERY trustworthy friend or can set up a second bank account under a BS sole trader name. So you set up SA Online marketing or a SA Services and it has a bank account (easy peasy with your current bank) then you 'buy' services and put it in the accounts as a service with 'invoices'. It's not actually as illegal as it sounds (you are entitled to bill your own company for a service you provide).

I'm surprised you're not currently paying all or some of your salaries with dividends. Also beware directors loans if you have them. If he 'pays his back' and you don't (because you have left) you will be liable for the money you owe. Or will have to give him your shares.

Also if you structure your exit properly you will both save a fortune on tax. It's some kind of directors capital gains relief - I'm assuming marital payouts are taxed? If they aren't it still might make sense to do things like make yourself 'redundant' which is a nice payout that is tax efficient-ish For you. Shame furloughs at an end.

Also why don't you have a business bounce back loan? Free money for a year takes days to get. Up to £49 k easily. Low interest rates after a year. Just apply online through your bank!

@RandomMess yes that's the plan, I'm going to do a handover pack for him with CVs for replacements, all documents up to date, etc.

@whatisheupto I think you can trust in youself now.

Thank you for saying that, it honestly made me tear up, I feel like I never trust myself or my instincts, feel like I'm constantly told I'm wrong or talked over, I think its partly why I struggle so much to make decisions, I just automatically assume I'm going to make the wrong one. I hope that I can learn to trust myself and my decisions when this is all over.

I'm pretty sure there are no cameras in here. He's not great with technology. He is self employed though. Its a limited company so earnings have to be posted online and I have copies of all the accounts up until now. But it's why I'm so reluctant to leave before I clear this debt. If I don't I might never see that money again.

See how smart you are???

Have you been paid a wage too?

How about a leaving bonus

You have been salaried haven't you?

Why hasn't he made you a Director?

@RandomMess

You have been salaried haven't you?

Why hasn't he made you a Director?

I do take a wage each month, I'm not sure if it is technically a wage or salary.

He offered to make me a director at the start but I didn't want to be. I do own half the shares though.

Seriously give yourself an extra severance payment. It will be declared and legal and can be offset at selling his shares back etc or against dividends.

Owning half the shares gives a good negotiating position in the divorce. That said, he could choose set up a new company and do no more business through the existing company but that's a pita so it is still a decent negotiating point: you have something he wants.

Are you the Company Secretary?

@ StupidArgument

If this money is going to come via the post, definitely get all post redirected to old house now, so that it will come directly to you if you have to leave before the 3 weeks.

Doing the course online will only work for a short while, because you will get work to do which you will struggle with when you've still to work for DH at the same time.

Also, make sure your old house still has internet etc, so you're ready for a quick move should you need it as new Covid restrictions are coming which would make getting that sorted may take longer than usual.

I’ve read both your threads op. Your doing great. I’m really sorry but I’d go against the grain and wait for the money.
It’s a lot of money and could make all the difference to you.
Unless your life is in danger imminently I’d stick it out.
But make sure you do get out.

@7yo7yo

I’ve read both your threads op. Your doing great. I’m really sorry but I’d go against the grain and wait for the money. It’s a lot of money and could make all the difference to you. Unless your life is in danger imminently I’d stick it out. But make sure you do get out.

I've decided that's what I'm going to do.

I took a bag of the most important stuff to my Mums today, so in case I need to initiate Plan B, even in a worst case scenario I just need to get outside the house. I can phone or even walk to my Mum's then.

It would just mean such a difference to how I could potentially start this new chapter for me if I waited to clear the debts off. Ideally I wanted to leave before starting the course for a clean start but it hasn't worked out that way.

The first session is tomorrow and I'm so excited I can't sleep. I'm browsing clothes shops online for outfits I'm going to buy to wear to my placements, things that he wouldn't really like me in, and imagining myself in them feeling confident with no debts (well, student loan and mortgage aside), doing really well at my course and loving my life. Positive thinking and all that!

So he even controls what you wear

@RandomMess

So he even controls what you wear

He doesn’t come out and say “you can only wear X” or “don’t wear that” but he always says how much he prefers me to wear dresses, am I going to wear a dress, I don’t like you in jeans, etc etc. He likes girls who look quite sweet and girly and feminine I think.

I do like to wear dresses but I also like to wear jeans too, it will be nice to be able to dress as I like without his voice in the back of my mind.

That's a great idea, and something I was encouraged by my therapist to do when I was planning to leave. Visualize in as much detail as you can what your life will look like when you are free. It sounds like you are off to a great start! Imagine coming back to your house, a place of peace and comfort, and leaving all the bloody windows wide open!

But that is how control is the constant erosion of your free independent choice.

You end up wearing dresses because It's easier than listening to him drone on... the implied criticism that he is right.

Yeah to wearing what you want 🥳

Hope your first session goes well today!

I admit, I think I would do the same as you - try to stick it out for a couple more weeks to pay off the debt - but I do also understand why all the very experienced posters are begging you to leave immediately. Having a solid escape plan is very sensible.

@StupidArgument good luck today I'm sure you'll be amazing. You've come so far in such a short time and beginning to think for yourself. Take care x

I agree with your plan but definitely have a solid plan B, even in case of emergency.
If you're staying make sure your phone, iPad and laptop have new passwords. Because he will go looking for evidence as you'll be acting differently.
Good looking with this weeks lessons

You need to prepare yourself for backup he possibility he may not use that money to clear his debt that is legally yours. He may withhold it to continue to control you.

God knows what autocorrect thought I was trying to say! Sorry about that.
Prepare yourself for the possibility...

If he does that then you just leave, you're no worse off