Petty Argument Thread 2

[StupidArgument]

Previous Thread

I just wanted to post a follow on from my previous thread, as I've been getting so much advice and support. In a nutshell; DH and I had a silly argument and going through it on here has really made me realise how unhappy I am in my life. I applied for and accepted a place on a teaching course starting in a couple of weeks but I'm feeling really conflicted! I don't want to hurt DH but also can't stay.

Oh my love.
Just leave.
He is screwing with your mind

BUT YOU EXPRESSLY DO NOT WANT TO DO THE JOB THAT HE WANTS YOU TO DO.

Which he knows. And is coercing you to do.

It really doesn’t matter if your new course was in weaving mats out of alpine flowers, the fact that he would manipulate you out of it and tell you you’re shit and trap you in a role that facilitates him and which you loathe, tells you EVERYTHING you planned was correct.

Who gives a shit if you end up being a mediocre teacher (FYI you won’t). Better than being 70 and still trapped in your house doing his bidding and being sent to bed like a child.

He is unbelievable.

Also, living your life and failing at a few things is FINE, it is normal, most of us do it.

He really has you in a cage. What if you said, ‘actually I’ve spent years facilitating your professional ambitions. Now it’s payback time’?

I understand your turmoil; fear is the biggest barrier to change, and it's understandable you are scared by the prospect of such a massive change, but by facing our challenges is how we grow. If we constantly run from our fears we end up living a small and passionless life.

You are depressed Because of this man, because of your job, because of your life! This man who rules your life, checks your phone, tells you when to go to bed, what to wear, who never apologises. This abuser who threw a catalogue at your face, in front of your mother, and neither you nor she said a word because you're both scared of him. This man who has undermined your confidence for years, making you doubt yourself at every turn. This man who thinks he owns you, he's actually fearful too, because he knows he's inadequate and he knows he doesn't deserve you so he has systematically broken your spirit to stop you breaking free. Of course there are good times, it's called the cycle of abuse. Your mother started it and he's continuing it.

The people who love us should lift us up, encourage our dreams, be our cheerleaders, not pour scorn on our ambitions and pick apart our hopes with their negativity.

Don't let go of your dream OP. You will never be fulfilled living half a life with this man. Good luck 💐

@StupidArgument

How do I know that everything I’m saying is true? How do I know it’s just how depressed I’ve been feeling talking? What if I do get better and realise I shouldn’t have left?

It seems clear from this thread that you do not want to carry on with your current job. That is your truth.

It seems clear that you want to do the course and become a teacher. This too is your truth.

I got through my divorce by hanging on to my truth, even when my truth seemed to differ from others'.

It is perfectly normal to be apprehensive about starting a new course.

The sign you were looking for was that you got a place on this course. The tutors who interviewed you will have met hundreds of prospective students and not offered a place to the majority of them. They know who will make a good teacher and they chose YOU! They believe in you. Up until your H told you that you wouldn't be able to cope, you knew that it would be hard but that you could do it. He has planted the seed of doubt in your mind because that is what he does and it works. Don't let it destroy your dreams this time.

Wait for the money and then run!

Please do not give up yet. Play the game for a bit until that cheque clears. Whatever happens, clear your debts with the money.

H@StupidArgument.
He's wrong
You are not a mess

He makes you go to bed at 8.30pm. He is an arse. A life with him will bore you to death.

You hit the jackpot by getting a place on that course. If that’s not a sign from the universe, what is?

Breaking free is a hard process. Being an independent woman must be daunting when you have only known control. Your writing speaks to your total mental exhaustion from the fight.

You have not let anyone down. We are a bunch of anonymous women who responded when you reached out for a helping hand. We have no skin in the game. Who you choose to live with, where you choose to live, what career you choose are your choices not ours. Similary whether you have a go at the course or not to find out if you are capable or not is your decision not ours.

Have you ever heard of sick systems? www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html

I've just read all your posts and he is manipulating you into thinking you're worthless!!

Please re-read your posts. You need to leave as soon as the money comes in as planned!

You can do it. And it'll be easier now that he knows you're doing the course and don't have to hide. It's only a few more weeks. We believe in you!

You have not failed at previous things, you have not continued to do them because they weren't what you wanted. I had never held down a job until I became a teacher in my late 20s.

It's perfectly natural to have all these niggles about such massive life changes, especially when you're living in a hamster cage with him turning the wheel occasionally and expecting you to be grateful. Abuse is never a sudden punch in the face that women just accept, it's years of subtly breaking someone down mentally and eroding their confidence. He is not right.

I quit or was suggested to leave early jobs I had. They were not right for me. Then I found my niche, now I love my work, am good at it and am rewarded accordingly.

In teaching I bet they'll emphasize growth mindset. You have not found your green grass yet. Yet is the key word.

The grass is always greener you say? Well, I see it more as you the frog in the pot on the hob, you have tried moving to different parts of the pot but it still shit. The froggy problem is not the desire to move, nor the shifting around. It is not moving enough. Not getting out of the whole damn pot.

Darling OP,

You KNEW this would happen. You KNEW what he would say. You and half the people on these threads predicted it, almost word for word.

You knew, because he is a playbook, predictable manipulator and you are and intelligent, perceptive person who can second guess his every move.

What that means is that you absolutely CAN leave, you CAN have a life that’s your own and that you CAN succeed.

Him shooting you down wasn’t a sign, it was a tedious inevitability! You KNEW it was coming! Read your threads back - it’s all there, word for word.

What you are feeling now is NOT real, it’s not the truth. It’s what he wants you to believe is the truth because it suits his selfish, selfish life. He doesn’t care that it’s destroying yours. He just doesn’t care.

The sign was you taking action. Applying for the course, coming to Mumsnet for help. THOSE were the signs. YOU made the change. You’ve already done it. This is not the end of the plan. You KNEW, because you’re brave and smart, that this would be the hardest part.

He will not change. You will.

He is just more of the same old life.

You KNOW you can’t go back to it.

I quit or was suggested to leave early jobs I had. They were not right for me. Then I found my niche, now I love my work, am good at it and am rewarded accordingly.

THIS! All day long this!

My god, if I’d had someone telling me I was a failure every time I left a job (for many reasons, including mental health), or a career move didn’t work out I’d feel like I had no chance too. It’s completely normal to take years and several attempts to find your thing. Hell, I jacked in a decently paid career at the BBC last year to move abroad and start again - I’ll be 40 next year.

You can change your job and try something new over and over again for any reason you like - didn’t work out, wasn’t for you, just fancy a change.

He is the unusual one. He’s made you believe that completely normal experiences are evidence of failure.

You are not a mess. He's manipulating you and it's harming your self esteem. Most people have to go through a good few jobs they don't like or can't do. It doesn't mean they are a failures. The people who like the first thing they try are the odd ones out, or too afraid of failure to move on.

You only have to cope for 3 weeks until your finances are sorted. Life doesn't align to make things easy for us, it's just generally pretty messy.

You have got this.

This may not feel like part of the plan but actually it is. He was always going to find out because he's controlling and snoops. He was always going to give you 100 reasons why you couldn't - you told us that yourself.

And you're never going to be ready for it when it happens. There's never perfect timing and the angels aligning. The woo woo sign was you getting the place on the course in the first place.

The rest is just part of the journey. It's always going to be shit and hard and if you don't think about it and just do one bit at a time it will be over at some point very soon.

Just get him off your back by telling him you want a month to do it and if it doesn't work you will stop. Then do not discuss it again and when the cheque comes get the hell out.

It's Friday so the money is closer now. Otherwise just sell one of the houses and use the money to rent and live on. Then go and teach in Dubai to make up for it financially 😁

@StupidArgument

"I'd changed my password on my phone but he managed to guess it, I think it made him suspicious that I'd changed it. "

This sentence alone shows you nothing has changed with him. I wouldn't notice if my husband changed passwords, because I DON'T CHECK UP ON HIM AND HIS PHONE!

Please rethink this and at least try the course, there's no real reason to think it won't work and will be the making of a new life. Your H knows this he is creating doubt and doing what all abusive people do to keep control of you. Don't let him win.
Stay strong.

Please don’t be manipulated by him

You were feeling strong, he's knocked you back down.
No one here can make you do anything, it's all up to you.
A good husband would support you.
He's not a good husband.
I'm feeling incredibly sad for you

Are you not angry that he went through your phone? What gives him the right?

And you know what, if you try this course and leave him and it doesn't work out, you will have plenty of choices of what to do next. But you will be able to make those choices yourself.

Hes got inside your head, and he's using every trick he has to hold you back, keep you in place. I have a history of depression and anxiety, and have had 3 jobs in 5 years, with a long period out of work in there too. I told my dh that after a break I was going to start back on my degree course this term, and his attitude was 'great, what can I do to support you?' What your dh is doing is not the action of a loving husband.

I made bread recently. Your week reminds me of it.

The dough makes better bread with a second rising. Your first rise just got punched down. Now you are in your second rising. It will make you stronger, tastier and more consistent.

Um, I think my analogy might be collapsing into a sticky mess.

Is anything making you smile this week? Anything putting spring in your step dough

Everything you were planning was sparking joy in your life, the course, the move, meeting new friends, freedom.

Everything you currently have is getting you down, the job, house rules, boredom, control.

What's the difference? HIM... NOT. YOU.

So you try the course, maybe you will love it and thrive, maybe you won't, but then you are still free to try something else without the voice of doom over your shoulder who has you shackled to misery.

It's scary, but good scary, possibilities scary, freedom scary, whole new world scary.

Feel the fear and do it anyway! 🌥⛅️🌤☀️🌟

PLEASE FULLY RE-READ YOUR THREADS TODAY
and then decide if your new decision is the right one.
for you today - be strong.

Nothing wrong with quiting jobs you don't like.
We all do that.
Its called having a choice.
Its called knowing that something else will suit you better.

OP,
You arranged this new course, got the interview.

You would be a wonderful teacher, changing lives for the bettter.

Please don't give up on your fabulous dream that is within your grasp.

You are NOT who he says you are.

You are so much more.

He is not a good man.

He is a nasty abusive man that hurts you.

You so deserve a better life.

Please don't inflict him on a foster child.

Dear God, please don't foster with him.

Don't give in, you can do this. If he loved you he would care about your happiness and well being more than his comfort and convenience. He's not a good person and you don't have to spend the rest of your life as his domestic and clerical support.