Petty Argument Thread 2

[StupidArgument]

Previous Thread

I just wanted to post a follow on from my previous thread, as I've been getting so much advice and support. In a nutshell; DH and I had a silly argument and going through it on here has really made me realise how unhappy I am in my life. I applied for and accepted a place on a teaching course starting in a couple of weeks but I'm feeling really conflicted! I don't want to hurt DH but also can't stay.

@RandomMess

How is the money coming. In whose name?

Whose name is the debt in?

You could do a postal redirect now to the previous house and cancel one you have set up from your old house to the new house. This may be good to do now anyway. You can manually forward anything that isn't in your/joint names.

Delurking to say this is a great idea. Good luck, Op!

If you have a joint account and the money comes via cheque pay it into the joint account and then use the funds to pay the debts as soon as cleared. I wouldn't be beyond keeping hold of his card/card reader temporarily so he can't use on line banking...

That's the plan. I normally sort the post and finances anyway, so I'm hoping it should be fairly easy to pay the cheque into the joint account and clear the debts before he even knows it's come through.

Smart cookie!

How was your on line session?

Please make contact with your personal tutor and student services/welfare and explain to them your home situation.

That you are having to study covertly for a few weeks until you leave your abusive husband. They will understand and will support you. It is far easier for them if they know in advance etc.

I actually think he doesn't stand a chance. You are formidably well organised and clear thinking. All you need is something to explain away a change in how you are for a few weeks and to keep him out of your hair as much as possible. But all that's easy enough in these times and with the other business worries he may have he won't think it's you leaving.

Potentially, and this is just a thought, once you are out you could offer to continue to do some part time crucial admin for him from your home, in return for a smaller wage (it's part time after all)? For the next three or so months. You would have to have clear rules (as little contact as poss and not face to face) but then you would also have an extra income plus some control over his behaviour- he needs you FAR more than you need him.

Or you could just not bother offering. You would be doing him a favour and if he's grateful and behaves himself and you don't need to talk to him it could work for a few months? But that's a big if.

Also maybe a bit of pre possible lockdown hoarding/prepping? Loo paper etc? 😁 maybe a suitcase with winter stuff at mums he won't realise isnt there so you don't need to buy new and don't need to stress about not getting it out? Winter coats etc you won't need yet.

How exciting though! A whole new world of wearing jeans and having fun and not having his voice in your ear!!!!

@ StupidArgument

Just wanted to say I hope your first day went fantastically

You have lots of support, encouragement and all our best wishes. To you from all of us !

Here's to you, you go girl ! [tea]

Super idea to redirect mail.

Also to fill your tutor in.

Knowledge will help them support you.

Hope things are going ok.

I have read both threads and just wanted to say good luck. The difference in your posts from the beginning to now is amazing, you should be so proud.

One thought - have you been over to the old property recently? If not, it might be an idea to fit in a quick visit when he’s out at work. Just to make sure that the keys work ok and he hasn’t had the locks changed. Not that I think he suspects anything, more that I wouldn’t put it past someone like him to do that as an underhand firm of secret backup control.

I hope the first week of your course is going well. Just think, you are starting on a new course, with the added complications of Covid, and all whilst dealing with extracting yourself from a marriage to a vile manipulator. Hell, this means that you can do anything! How lucky your future pupils are going to be, having a strong, dedicated and brave teacher like you!

OP, just checking in to say still thinking about you and hoping that everything is going well.

Did he somehow find out about the course and block you starting or do something awful?

Or maybe you freaked out and didn't start?

Or maybe it is going great?

Whatever, we are still here and will be nice to you. Well, I don't speak for everyone but my experience here is of most people understanding how hard it is to leave a controlling man and how it is a process not an event.

Hope you are OK.

I also hope you're doing OK

He found out about the course.

I'd changed my password on my phone but he managed to guess it, I think it made him suspicious that I'd changed it. I'd been so careful about not leaving it lying around but my sister called to drop something off and I chatted to her on the doorstep for a bit. When I came back he'd seen a message with a link to download the official Uni app, saying something like "now you're enrolled".

I couldn't think of anything to say but the truth, so I told him. To be fair, he wasn't angry. He was annoyed at first but I was in tears, I told him that he knows how unhappy I've been at work and that I need to change something and that I don't know how I can carry on feeling like this. I told him everything about the course and work.

He said he would support me if I wanted to do the course, but that he didn't think I should do it. He reminded me of the things I've tried, and failed at, in the past. He said he didn't think my mental health was in the right place to manage it. He said if I don't like being stressed at work then how will I cope being a teacher?

He's right. Everything he said is right, to be fair. I have had multiple jobs in the past, I have tried things and failed. I spent a lot of time working in call centres which I hated. He said that I have a tendency to think that this would solve my problem and it never does the problem is still there and this will be the same.

I can't leave him. I just can't do it. I don't have the strength. I don't have the confidence. He is right, everything he said is right. And he looked so hurt that I'd done all this behind his back, I feel so guilty.

To be fair, he did say he would start to support me better at work. He said he would make time to spend a day or two in the office each week so he brought less paperwork home. He said we could change our office (the one we're in at the minute isn't very nice). He said I can have an afternoon or two off during the week. He said we could get a cleaner for home so that I don't have to do it all. He said he doesn't want to give up hope that we won't have a baby and that he would look at fostering if that's what I want.

It will have to be enough. I think I'm just going to have to accept that my life is what it is, not everyone gets to work in a job that they love, and I will just have to find a way to deal with it. I need to change my attitude so I'm not always thinking that the grass is greener on the other side.

I'm sorry to let everyone down, you've all been so kind and supportive to me. Thank you so much for all your comments and your help and advice.

Please continue with the course, give him the opportunity to support you.

You have no confidence because he has eroded it.

Please change all your passwords again.
Get a good nights sleep.
Reread your threads.
There's no reason why teaching isn't what you're meant to be, you haven't tried it before. If not then you'll have a well respected degree which is a massive achievement.
He's said he'll support you so take him up on that.
Sending positive vibes your way!

@RandomMess he wouldn't support me with the course. I know him, and he just wouldn't. It'd be unbearable until I quit it and did what he wanted and told him he'd been right.

[quote StupidArgument]@RandomMess he wouldn't support me with the course. I know him, and he just wouldn't. It'd be unbearable until I quit it and did what he wanted and told him he'd been right.[/quote]
And this is why you must leave. You must. What he wants and says isn't the point and this is just a setback - you were planning on staying for a few weeks anyway and he will think he has won. You'll have more time off and can continue to do what you had planned.

The reason you worked in a call centre and hated it is because it's a tough job few people are suited for. You have been controlled by him your whole life and someone who is being controlled isn't going to be a as maxing at any career.

He has CREATED your mental health. Fuck him.

I rarely comment on threads but please, please carry on with the course. You can’t compare working in a call centre to teaching - there is no comparison. You long to do this, follow your dream.

You will find your mental health improves dramatically if you free yourself of your husband.

I just, I feel like I just can’t do it. I wouldn’t be able to physically make myself go.

Things haven’t aligned up how I had hoped they would and I feel like that is a sign that I shouldn’t go. I know Mumsnet isn’t very keen on the idea of “woo” things in general but I do believe in it and I have been begging the universe for a sign and all I’ve come up against is hurdles - the money being delayed, I found out yesterday that my placement starts a week earlier than I originally thought too. It’s just all messed up.

I have only put my side of things on here and if he put his then you probably wouldn’t like me. He’s right, I’m a mess.

Oh @StupidArgument, he has hit every single one of the "get back in your box" buttons that he has spent YEARS creating.

According to him - how DARE you decide to follow a dream you've always had, as that means you aren't servicing him and his dreams.

Please still keep leaving mulling over in the back of your mind. When that cheque lands, bank it and clear the debts. If you still decide to stay, at least there are no "marital" debts to worry about. If you decide to leave, it's a clean slate for both of you.

Do please message your tutors and let them know you are in an abusive relationship that you are trying to extract yourself from. Let them know your attendance and coursework over the next few weeks will be lacking, but you're prepared to put in the hard graft to catch up to grasp at your dream. If you eventually choose to definitely stay, you can message them again to let them know you'll be dropping out.

The other jobs you've not been so successful at? Were they the dream jobs you really wanted to do? Were they just jobs to earn some pocket money/to pay the bills? Were they jobs you were told you had to take/ told you had to do (like working for him) in a role that you knew you would hate before you even started?

If any of those jobs were ones that you enjoyed to start with, and meant you were out of the house / away from his influence, did he then start on the "what if" and "how crap" conversations to lead your thinking down a darker path?

Please re-read your own words on these threads again, hear how unhappy you've been and how excited you were to be looking at that distant light down the tunnel getting closer.

Please change your passwords again. If you have fingerprint scanning / face recognition, delete them all and reset them. Phone always in pocket no matter where you are if he is in the house.

Please take a minute to breathe, regroup yourself, get some rest and listen to your gut.

OP, I can see how tough all of this is you. Don't apologise to us, you have to live your own life - no one here can do it for you. Can you go stay with your sister for a couple of days? He has gotten into your head, and you need him out again. Whatever happens, take care of yourself

He reminded me of the things I've tried, and failed at, in the past. He said he didn't think my mental health was in the right place to manage it. He said if I don't like being stressed at work then how will I cope being a teacher?

There, right there, get back in your box and do what I tell you to do. How dare you have a thought or these not instigated.

You are being abused. You are so far under his thumb you can’t get up.

Shame, you appeared so excited to change your future.

Your mental health is down to him weighing on your unhappiness.

To be fair, he did say he would start to support me better at work. He said he would make time to spend a day or two in the office each week so he brought less paperwork home. He said we could change our office (the one we're in at the minute isn't very nice). He said I can have an afternoon or two off during the week. He said we could get a cleaner for home so that I don't have to do it all. He said he doesn't want to give up hope that we won't have a baby and that he would look at fostering if that's what I want.

Notice what he didn't say - that you could choose the job that you want to do. It's your life, not his.

You have a chance here to decide for yourself what your life will look like for the next 10-20 years. Or you could carry on working for him company for the next 10-20 years.

I have had multiple jobs in the past, I have tried things and failed. I spent a lot of time working in call centres which I hated.

So what? I wouldn't enjoy working at a call centre either.

Just because you didn't enjoy working at a call centre, doesn't mean you will hate other jobs. Teaching is totally different.

Do you remember how excited you were when you got offered the place?

Thank you all so much for the well wishes about my interview. It actually got rescheduled to today, I've just finished it and...

I got offered a place!!!

I can't believe it, I feel like I can't quite catch my breath. I'm happy and excited and also terrified all at once!

I got some really lovely feedback from the person who interviewed me as well, I can't believe this dream of mine has actually come true - or at least step 1 of it

This is obviously something you feel very passionately about. You call it a dream of yours. Don't let your dream go because he might make things difficult for a while.

Who is he to say that you won't be an amazing teacher?

I know you were waiting to clear the debt before you left, but your mental health is more important. What's stopping you from initiating your Plan B right now, and going to stay with your Mum while you start the course?

How do I know that everything I’m saying is true? How do I know it’s just how depressed I’ve been feeling talking? What if I do get better and realise I shouldn’t have left?