Married 20 years, DH cheated on me with 20 year old man

[INCForThis123]

As my username says I’ve name changed for this post. I’ve been an active user on this site and I don’t want to be outed on here nor my DH.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone, I’m so embarrassed confused and upset.

My DH is 46 and I am 49. We have 4 children aged 21, 18, 16 and 12.

This has been going on since November last year. DH has a job in the city, it requires him to work long hours and often he will stay in a hotel if he has to work late. I mention this because behaviour that may be suspicious to others was never suspicious to me for this reason.

Since his office opened at the start of the month DH had said he had been making trips to the office once a week.

Three days ago a close colleague to of his had arranged for an evening bbq to celebrate a birthday. Just 12 people. I had mentioned about how bad it is for places in the city that rely on big offices like coffee shops and restaurants. I said at least DH is going to the office once a week. To the surprised look of the colleague who told me that the office had been completely closed and was only opening in the October. I said maybe their was an exception for DH. But apparently not. I tried to change topic quickly.

After the BBQ I mentioned this to DH and he broke down and admitted everything to me. He had began a sexual relationship with a 20 year old Male student from London.

I asked dh if he was gay, but he refused to answer. I went to bed crying my eyes out and Dh I think went to sleep in another room.

But DH left in the morning and I haven’t seen him. He text me to say he is sorry and staying in a hotel. But not answering calls or responding to texts.

I told the kids that he was needed in Germany on business. I can’t bring myself to tell them. The oldest is at her uni accommodation and the 18 year old is about to start university in two weeks. I pretend to be normal and happy in front of them. I just say I’m a little under the weather.

I don’t know what to do. Sorry for this long post. I just have so many conflicting emotions right now.

You have my sincere sympathies. My first H left me for a really young man. I was young myself, but it shattered my life and still has ongoing repercussions. Looking back to out time together, there were so many clues, but I was too trusting to notice them. When we announced our engagement, his friends didn't congratulate us. They looked horrified and some of them took me on one side and asked if I knew what I was doing. I expect you will see the signs in retrospect. I didn't get pregnant for the reason that he seemed repulsed by me. This week I was trying to find out what happened to him and found to my horror that he got married again to a woman! I found her on SM. He appears to be living the other side of the world. She's in this country. Your situation is far worse than mine, and you can't rush getting yourself in a better place. It takes a long time for such a betrayal to stop colouring your life.

DH has also suspended my debit card to his account. But luckily I have enough money for the time being so that’s not an issue.

Good grief that was quick. At least you know what you’re dealing with. He’s shagging someone the same age as his own DC and is trying to restrict your money. This is by no stretch a good dad. Get your ducks in a row OP.
Let him worry about his own MH - he’s not given two fucks about yours.

[quote BarcelonaBetty]@SpaceOP thank you, I work in a bank and we don't offer this on bank accounts but totally appreciate other lenders will have different criteria.
Do you have your own money op, the last thing you want to be doing is eating into your savings to provide for his children.
He has behaved appallingly so far, normally at this stage they are still playing fair but it seems he's started as means to go on [/quote]
Not all banks do it? That IS interesting. I still have a card on DH's account from years ago although we don't use that account at all any more.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, no wonder you feel emotionally floored.

He's clearly checking out of his responsibilities toward you and your DC already. I'd see this as him actually doing you a favour here, as you can shift your energies away from worrying about his state of mind and focus on protecting yourself and the DC now financially.

It's brilliant you have RL support too as well as on here. Keep strong.

You can't possibly get a solicitor fast enough. Your husband is already trying to fuck you over. You need protection.

What an absolute prick.

sleeping with someone younger than his own child behind his wife's back, no condoms ... and then he tries to block your access to family money when you have bills to pay and children to support.

What a fucking arsehole.

Get a SHL

Well he's shown his true colours there. Get lawyered up and fast as everyone said. Remember yesterday you were worrying about his mental health? He isn't even worrying if you have enough to feed his children.

Take

Sounds like he and the rent boy have been hatching a plan while you have been worrying about him. Sheesh.....

PLEASE get onto the bank NOW and remove half of the contents to an account in Your own name. What a lowlife, I am genuinely godsmacked that you have just accepted this as you have enough money for the moment.!!. They are his kids,he needs the provide for them, his rent boy is not a a dependent of his and is not entitled to your families money. if you don't, then you are setting up him taking the financial piss out of the whole family.

gobsmacked

If you don't act, that account will be completely empty but the morning..

by the morning, Sheesh, I fall over my fingers when I am mad on someone else's behalf ..

You need to act fast

On this link there is a section on what to include on your safety packing list. It gives you a list of documents to collect and keep safe

PLEASE have a look and collect as much as you can. I know you feel like you’ve been hit by a train but you need to get organised

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

You are being incredibly mature, brave and levelheaded which is more than can be said for DH. In response to your thought about DH's choice of partner, as a (very longstanding) gay man I think there is a cat in hells chance that the 20 year old even considers that this is a relationship. It will more than likely be a mutually beneficial arrangement of whatever sort and he would run a mile if he thought it was serious. Such relationships just don't happen - is your DH seriously going to move into student accommodation or whatever shared house this student is living him? Unfortunately 'sugar daddy' type arrangements have proliferated along with hook up apps and the younger guys no longer seem embarrassed about admitting to them.

The condom-less sex may be a result of the younger guy being on PrEP - it is widely available to students in London. However it only protects against HIV and not other STIs so you are right to be tested. I find it miraculous that all these men that are suddenly discovering that they are gay in their late 40s and 50s, like the famous celebrity mentioned upthread, always seem to do so with men less than half their age. I have hardly ever heard of a case where a man of similar age is involved. This seems to me that it is pure self indulgence and lust rather than seeking an alternative relationship. The lack of safe sex is yet another sign of this. Those of us who were around through the HIV crisis would not act so recklessly.

Hi INCForThis123 - I haven't read the full thread (sorry) but I see that someone else suggested Straight Partners Anonymous on the first page.

I would really encourage you to check it out. You would probably be surprised to find out how many other women have had a similar experience. It shocks me how common it is, and I'm one of them. Although my story is not exactly like yours, I'm in the process of divorcing my gay husband after 20 years together (15 married).

Straight Partners Anonymous has been an incredible support to me. You will find tons of love , support, and - most of all - understanding there.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. One of the main reasons I occasionally browse this board is to see if anyone needs the SPA contact details.

Agree with the above posters about the urgency of sorting out access to your joint money. It seems so cruel and selfish of your H to do this. I wouldn’t trust him at all at the moment.

Make sure you remove half of any monies in the joint account and do it now! His suspension of your card shows he's a real shit!!

So sorry OP but stopping your card when he’s just left you the day before with four children, one about to go to uni just shows the true depth of his utter lack of love, care and respect for you and his family. Please get that solicitor and your finances sorted ASAP. I hate to say it because I know you have enough to cope with but this is going to be the tip of the iceberg, prepare yourself.

I have enough money to support us and DH has said that he will support DD1 and 2 at university. I doubt he would leave his own daughter short of cash. But then my estimations of him keep falling.

I am on the legal stuff already. I am fully prepared to make sure I get my fair share. Ideally I would like to stay in this house and I would be very sad to leave.

In regards to my finances DH as a sole earner pays in to his account. He then gives me a monthly amount for spending on food and everything but I also have a card linked to his account for emergencies and anything really. So I can’t tell if DH is spending money on his 20 year old boyfriend or not.

So there was never a joint account despite him being the sole earner? And this is the card he's cut? I don't like the sound of this OP. I think you must work on the assumption that you and the kids are on your own financially from now on and act accordingly to protect yourself.

He needs something to keep that young lad interested in him... money works but there might have to be a lot of it.

Please behave as if he is not a man to be trusted even if youreally believe that he is good-hearted and loves the children. Be careful.

What a horrible situation - I'd expect to feel mixed emotions too. You loved this man and you had four kids with him. It would be weird not to have some mixed emotions.
It does all sound clear cut though. In some ways that almost makes it easier.
Good luck.

Oh Jeez, it gets worse. You've had some very straight talking advice here and some of it must be hard to accept but I see that these people are angry on your behalf. This is a bombshell for you but hes had plenty of time to plan and prepair and he knows exactly what he is doing.You need to find your anger so that you can be a hard faced bitch in your dealings with him.

You've been a Mumsnetter long enough to see how this goes, hes not been in a hotel wringing his hand and fretting. Hes been planning. The fact that hes cut your access to the family finances proves that, do you really think hes going to support his children through university?

In his mind you (his family) are the past, why would he need to invest in that?

He and lover boy are 'living the dream' and they will completely fuck you over in order to achieve it.

I'm so sorry, he is an absolute wanker and I am raging on your behalf.

also have a card linked to his account for emergencies and anything really

And this is the one he's already revoked your access to?

I'm glad you're already on the legal stuff OP - you're going to need to protect yourself quickly, because he sure as hell isn't letting the grass grow under his feet. Far from weeping into his cornflakes over his betrayal of his family, within days he's aggressively seeking to restrict your access to his income. Look out!

Cutting off your access to money is not something a good dad would do. He may well love his DC very much. That did not and does not mean he is a good dad. He is not.

You need to face this, and toughen up fast. Words are cheap. He says he'll support your DD. At the same time he stops your bank card. He is showing clearly who he really is.

See a lawyer ASAP. Hard as it is tell people the truth about him, you need as much support as possible. Try not to secong guess what and why he is doing stuff. Don't try to manage his relationships with the DC. That is up to him. Sadly he might not bother but you can't (in the longer term) do anything about that.