Married 20 years, DH cheated on me with 20 year old man

[INCForThis123]

As my username says I’ve name changed for this post. I’ve been an active user on this site and I don’t want to be outed on here nor my DH.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone, I’m so embarrassed confused and upset.

My DH is 46 and I am 49. We have 4 children aged 21, 18, 16 and 12.

This has been going on since November last year. DH has a job in the city, it requires him to work long hours and often he will stay in a hotel if he has to work late. I mention this because behaviour that may be suspicious to others was never suspicious to me for this reason.

Since his office opened at the start of the month DH had said he had been making trips to the office once a week.

Three days ago a close colleague to of his had arranged for an evening bbq to celebrate a birthday. Just 12 people. I had mentioned about how bad it is for places in the city that rely on big offices like coffee shops and restaurants. I said at least DH is going to the office once a week. To the surprised look of the colleague who told me that the office had been completely closed and was only opening in the October. I said maybe their was an exception for DH. But apparently not. I tried to change topic quickly.

After the BBQ I mentioned this to DH and he broke down and admitted everything to me. He had began a sexual relationship with a 20 year old Male student from London.

I asked dh if he was gay, but he refused to answer. I went to bed crying my eyes out and Dh I think went to sleep in another room.

But DH left in the morning and I haven’t seen him. He text me to say he is sorry and staying in a hotel. But not answering calls or responding to texts.

I told the kids that he was needed in Germany on business. I can’t bring myself to tell them. The oldest is at her uni accommodation and the 18 year old is about to start university in two weeks. I pretend to be normal and happy in front of them. I just say I’m a little under the weather.

I don’t know what to do. Sorry for this long post. I just have so many conflicting emotions right now.

Ugh, how vile for you, OP.

I agree with all the other posters, stop thinking about him and his ‘mental health’ and put your energy, mental and physical, into your self.

Get yourself an STD rest as a priority. Sort your money and documents then fuck him off out of your life.

The children can sort out their own relationship with him, but you need to start thinking of yourself. I wouldn’t waste another minute of my precious life on him.

. That’s harsh folkloreore.
And homophobic. Not all gay men are riddled with STDs. While it may be true, it is highly unlikely. And yes, you should get tested of course.
What is way more likely is that he cherished the 20 years with you and wanted the family to stay together. And that he loved you all.
And yes, that is selfish as Fuck and yes, he’s a lying cheering scum bag and you need to be angry with him.
But you don’t know the reason why it took an affair with a 20 year old for him to come out. Maybe he couldn’t come out to himself. That happens a lot. When the world in which you live doesn’t accept your gayness, you often won’t accept it either. This is usually from your parents. You lie to yourself and then lie to others and this evolves into being a liar and cheat and a coward.
What he is being now.
You deserve better.

@AnyFucker

When you say "conflicting" emotions what do you mean ?

Beg the skanky cheating fucker to come back versus don't beg the skanky cheating fucker to come back ?

He's left. He's gay. Your relationship is over.

Bisexuals exist, you know.

@Billi77

. That’s harsh folkloreore. And homophobic. Not all gay men are riddled with STDs. While it may be true, it is highly unlikely. And yes, you should get tested of course. What is way more likely is that he cherished the 20 years with you and wanted the family to stay together. And that he loved you all. And yes, that is selfish as Fuck and yes, he’s a lying cheering scum bag and you need to be angry with him. But you don’t know the reason why it took an affair with a 20 year old for him to come out. Maybe he couldn’t come out to himself. That happens a lot. When the world in which you live doesn’t accept your gayness, you often won’t accept it either. This is usually from your parents. You lie to yourself and then lie to others and this evolves into being a liar and cheat and a coward. What he is being now. You deserve better.

Completely disagree that it's harsh OR homophobic.

That poster didn't say he'd be riddled with STDs because he's gay. They said he put her at risk of STDs...which he did...and which is something that someone says in every single post where someone has been cheated on.

I disagree that its way more likely that he cherished the years and so on, if he did then it was for selfish reasons. He had no right, none at all to involve the OP in his deception when she could been with a man who loved her and desired her the way that a husband should love and desire his wife!

I am a similar age OP from a very conservative country, even here men came out in the 90's. He is a liar, don't trust him, believe nothing he says. It's not homophobic to suggest std tests. He has been fucking men without using condoms.

@wishcaptainbarnaclewasmyboss

I'm not implying anything...I'm quite simply stating it could impact on her DD going to University. This is a public forum, where people will have a range of views and there was no intent not to be nice as you put it.

As I said..I have a DD the same age and I wouldn't have told her before she goes to University. We all make different decisions in life in the same situations.

If I heard such a thing before leaving for University, it would have been added stress for me.... that I didn't need at that time.

I’ve been cheated on. It was brutal and ended my marriage. I had months of deep depression and rage. It’s important to feel all those emotions as part of the coping and grieving process
But I don’t think the marriage was a waste of my time and the whole thing a deceit. Relationships end. And it’s rarely pretty

He sounds to be a cheat and an old fool.

Be careful - although it seems to be your nature to be loving and forgiving and you are still carrying out your vows to love and cherish him... he is not. You do need to be canny if you want to keep things stable for yourself and your children. He probably does not have your interests at heart any more, (is he worried about your health after this blow?) and (even if you want to see him as a good father)it seems that he is not thinking about what is best for the children either.

He has lied to you - and could do again. Don't believe him too easily - especially about things that matter - and about money. Get some help and support with this.

Thank goodness he's coming back. Don't let him use any of this as excuse to not do his fair share of the parenting. He's been selfish enough without dumping all of that onto you as well. Whatever happens now, he is still a father to 3 children and has a responsibility to them.

I'm so sorry OP. Sending hugs and support. I know It doesn't feel like it now but you will get through this.

@SandyY2K

I have a DD going to Uni in a couple of weeks and I would absolutely not put her through the pain of this time in her life.

She's already had what your DD has gone through this year with the cancelled exams...the mess around with results..then tbe cancellation of the traditional freshers week.

Leaving home and living in halls is already a big life change, without having to have the burden of this. I just can't imagine my DD leaving home knowing her fast was cheating...much less with a man 2 years older than her.

It's easy to say that you wouldn't do it if you're not in that situation.

No one would ever know how they'd feel unless they were in that situation and found out their whole marriage was a lie!

Also when would the right time to tell her daughter be?
When she's settled in in a few weeks and loving her new life? what if she doesn't love it and she's hugely stressed over it?
What about when her college work starts?

There isn't really any time the OP could pinpoint and say yep that would be a good time to tell her!

Someone mentioned that it might have been hard for him to come out “twenty years ago” ...err.... in the year 2000 ? Hardly the 1940s.
I imagine he has been leading a double life for some considerable time, and also would be worried that this is a sugar Daddy “relationship “ . Really dreadful for you OP, I am so sorry. The only way forward is honesty now, towards you and towards your children. I can imagine they may feel extremely upset at the age difference, as well as the affair. I don’t see how you can continue your marriage, by his distance he also seems to have disengaged. You need legal advice, a good friend’s shoulder to cry on, and as much support as you can muster, and you need to insist that he tells you the full truth now.

OP - you are doing really well
❤️ focus on yourself, finance and the long game at all times now

Well takes all sorts;!(

I know a woman some years ago now and she was very attractive quite a stunner married to this bloke all OK for some years and he pissed off with another Man!

She never quite got over it she'd say "another woman i could understand and accept that, but another man!, don't you know how insulting that is?!!

As you were and OP hope you can work something out for you!

@SandyY2K

But it isn't about you your your DD.

Firstly, you didn't read the update and waded in. When you realised that the OP had already told her daughter, you made a bit of a passive aggressive comment rather than apologising and trying to understand why she told her DD in the moment or acknowledging that she knows her DD best. You are entitled to a view but expressing it to the OP at the point you did isn't kind.

Someone mentioned that it might have been hard for him to come out “twenty years ago” ...err.... in the year 2000 ? Hardly the 1940s.

Exactly.
That excuse needs to start dying out now because it hasn't applied in a very long time.
There is no excuse for such deception.

"He is a very good dad but generally has had a very busy lifestyle. It’s work, gym, tennis or golf."

Work is essential;the gym,tennis and golf are optional extra's.l'm guessing he's at work Monday-Friday day,at the gym in the evening and out playing tennis and at the weekend whilst you were left alone at home to do the cooking/shopping/cleaning/washing/ironing/childcare and carrying the mental load.

What did you get to do for you?,where's you daily slot to exercise/live it up without the kids.

Please stop worrying about him and his mental health.Stop torturing yourself at his unanswered whatApp messages.

He is selfish and cowardly.He has been cheating on you.He has broken your marriage vows and has disrespected you.He has been sleeping with someone younger than his own child.This is about him not you.You have done nothing wrong and you're an innocent party who's been screwed over.

Your priority is you and your children still living at home;you older children are just as important but will be living away and have a roof over their head elsewhere.

I second other people's suggestions here.

See a decent divorce solicitor;speak to gingerbread and citizens advice for advice on what your entitled to as a single parent.Contact the organisation someone has suggested for people who's partners are gay/bisexual and book an appointment at your local sexual health clinic (you can do this online).

@AnyFucker

When you say "conflicting" emotions what do you mean ?

Beg the skanky cheating fucker to come back versus don't beg the skanky cheating fucker to come back ?

He's left. He's gay. Your relationship is over.

Honestly, do you have any emapthy for what the OP is going through? What a total shock it is to her? How this plays out in her life? How she comes to terms with this? She is dealing with her life partner having a relationship with a man. Do you really think she can just shove it off and get on with it? It is huge and a live changed. Have some empathy. OP I am so sorry . But you have your answer. Let him go, live the best life you can without him and protect your children. At the start it will be shit, but it will get better. PM me if you want. Thinking of you.

Glad you told DD and will be getting support in RL, from your best friend and sister. Take care OP.

Just another case of a man wanting his cake and eating it to.
Despite his protestations your husband is morally corrupt.
I doubt very much it’s a coincidence that he’s told you the truth now... when all the kids are older and about to leave home.
You and your marriage have served his purpose op.
HE’S NOT YOUR FRIEND.
Don’t think that if you’re reasonable he’ll be nicer to you in the divorce. HE WON’T.
Get a very good lawyer immediately- start protecting yourself.

You sound like a wonderful woman and you deserve so much more but you can get through this.

He's the same age as me and he could most certainly have come out in the 1990s and found plenty of understanding and support! We may not have been the 'woke warriers' of 2020, but 1990s unis were tolerant places with LGB clubs and societies and to suggest otherwise is ridiculous.

@AnyFucker

When you say "conflicting" emotions what do you mean ?

Beg the skanky cheating fucker to come back versus don't beg the skanky cheating fucker to come back ?

He's left. He's gay. Your relationship is over.

Charming!

What a horrible shock for you. I am so sorry this has happened to you. I am sorry to say it sounds like he probably ran away to this student when he left your house. I really can't see there being any way back from this. You deserve better.

It’s not ridiculous to suggest otherwise. Many people are still plagued by their ‘gayness’ their whole lives. And while there may be clubs and society is open, it doesn’t mean you want to be gay. You want to fit the mould presented to you by your family and the outside world. Just look at how under represented gay people still are on the telly for example. And when they are represented, sometimes it creates even more repudiation. People will do whatever they can to not be gay, they will even love and marry people of the opposite sex. Many are the biggest homophobes we will ever meet. They hate gay. And then they will often act like assholes throughout their entire lives.
It takes a lot of therapy to get over this. I hope you and he manage to do couples therapy to get through the separation. It’s a good place to let it all out.

Yes, I accept that argument @Billi77. I do not, however, accept the whole 'I'm gay but I'm going to pretend I'm not, get married to a woman, have four DC and then cheat on the side with men' argument. That doesn't make you conflicted and full of angst about your gayness, it makes you an arsehole!

I agree with PP that it totalling suits him to confess to this right now with the ages that your children are - subconsciously he will feel he has done his duty and maybe is triggered by DD leaving home and having her freedom.

It’s v common for people to reveal their other life whether it is an affair partner or their sexuality at this stage of family life.

He chose to tell you now as it suits HIM. Know that.

He could have continued to lie as he has done so successfully for decades. He could have wriggled his way out of this if he wanted......so subconsciously he wanted to escape and be found out. All you need to know is right now this suits him - he has got what he wants as he has always done.