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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married 20 years, DH cheated on me with 20 year old man

280 replies

INCForThis123 · 10/09/2020 17:10

As my username says I’ve name changed for this post. I’ve been an active user on this site and I don’t want to be outed on here nor my DH.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone, I’m so embarrassed confused and upset.

My DH is 46 and I am 49. We have 4 children aged 21, 18, 16 and 12.

This has been going on since November last year. DH has a job in the city, it requires him to work long hours and often he will stay in a hotel if he has to work late. I mention this because behaviour that may be suspicious to others was never suspicious to me for this reason.

Since his office opened at the start of the month DH had said he had been making trips to the office once a week.

Three days ago a close colleague to of his had arranged for an evening bbq to celebrate a birthday. Just 12 people. I had mentioned about how bad it is for places in the city that rely on big offices like coffee shops and restaurants. I said at least DH is going to the office once a week. To the surprised look of the colleague who told me that the office had been completely closed and was only opening in the October. I said maybe their was an exception for DH. But apparently not. I tried to change topic quickly.

After the BBQ I mentioned this to DH and he broke down and admitted everything to me. He had began a sexual relationship with a 20 year old Male student from London.

I asked dh if he was gay, but he refused to answer. I went to bed crying my eyes out and Dh I think went to sleep in another room.

But DH left in the morning and I haven’t seen him. He text me to say he is sorry and staying in a hotel. But not answering calls or responding to texts.

I told the kids that he was needed in Germany on business. I can’t bring myself to tell them. The oldest is at her uni accommodation and the 18 year old is about to start university in two weeks. I pretend to be normal and happy in front of them. I just say I’m a little under the weather.

I don’t know what to do. Sorry for this long post. I just have so many conflicting emotions right now.

OP posts:
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 13/09/2020 21:57

I really doubt this young man will be around for long.

MrsPerfect12 · 13/09/2020 22:07

So sorry this has happened to you. I agree you are being very dignified. Hope everything with the home goes your way. Flowers

justilou1 · 14/09/2020 04:13

Your DH is going to be shocked when he realises he was nothing but a sugar daddy. What an embarrassment. I’m so sorry.

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/09/2020 14:25

I’m sure the om will be delighted to hear your dh has left you. It’s just what you want at 20 isn’t it? Some middle aged bloke hanging around.

One of dhs colleagues offered to leave his dw for ow, ow declined but said to text her if he fancied a shag which I thought was very accommodating of her 🙄.

DrDavidBanner · 14/09/2020 20:04

I don't blame the lad, hes not beholden to anyone and in a way its easy money for him. I can't see it being more than that for a financial opportunity for him.

As for your husband, well they do say there's no fool like an old fool. He can't help his sexuality, but as your husband and father of your children he could have found a better way of coming out to you.

I'm glad you're getting the support you need and are getting the practicalities sorted out. I really wish you well

powkin · 14/09/2020 20:25

Want to repeat what others have said, you sound fucking amazing. So dignified. I’m sure you feel like everything is spinning but you’ve done incredibly.

I can’t believe he’s already thought to cut off your access to his debit card, like that’s the first thing on your mind right now fgs. To add financial worries to what he’s already done makes him the lowest of the low.

I’m so sorry you married such a coward. His behaviour has been beyond selfish. He can’t change his sexuality but he could have changed many of his actions. I appreciate being gay 30 years ago was a whole different ballgame - and a terrifying one at that - but 20 YEARS of lying is just horrendous. I know you’d do some of it again in an instant given you had your lovely children because of him, but He’s taken the opportunity for you to have a more fulfilling partnership away from you and that is unforgiveable.

AllsortsofAwkward · 14/09/2020 20:29

You sound amazing op, dont let the bastard get you down.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 14/09/2020 20:44

@DrDavidBanner. well, I wouldn’t be exactly proud if my DS did similar. Hmm. But he’s not the one cheating.

DrDavidBanner · 14/09/2020 21:05

Well exactly @AmICrazyorWhat2. I'm not condoning it, not at all, but it does happen. And from OPs further comments it appears that that is the situation we have here.

OhYeahYouSuck · 14/09/2020 23:18

You don't hang around do you OP.

Iflyaway · 14/09/2020 23:28

I'm so sorry OP. Awful to find this out.

Don't know why people are saying he is gay. Loads of people in the world are bisexual. Nothing wrong with that as long as you are honest.

justilou1 · 15/09/2020 10:22

HE says he’s gay, @Iflyaway

GabsAlot · 15/09/2020 10:47

what a horrible man as soon as it wasnt going his way he sto0pped money-charming

tis allresonates as to a certain person on tv coming out and playing the victim hes been so totured etc-this is the real life of it a broken upset not a brave man coming out

Closetbeanmuncher · 16/09/2020 14:15

Based on the Instagram the boy seems to go to some quite high end places in London for a student

Student/rent boy you mean...

I do hope the deluded twat has some honour at least and will support his daughter with her education.

Also really glad you all gave him a verbal roasting, it's the very least he deserves.

BloggersBlog · 16/09/2020 18:25

You are indeed doing a great job in keeping it together OP. It makes me think of Mrs Schofield and how hard it must have been for her when her husband came out and it was revealed he had been cheating for years - all the plaudits he got were sickening. Whatever the official line, committing adultery leaves a trail of sadness in its wake.

I hope your dcs are ok, and he realises how much his actions have and will affect their lives

INCForThis123 · 17/09/2020 20:13

Hi everyone
Thanks again for the kind messages

I got the results for the STD test. I am positive chlamydia but am negative for everything else.

Even though It is terrible he has given me an STD I am relieved that it is not an incurable one.

Apart from this DH has paid for DD’s uni accommodation which is a massive relief.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 17/09/2020 21:03

I am sorry that you have had to go through that. How are you DCs taking it? Do you have access to any professional emotional support for you or the DCs if/when needed.

Often these things like a while to sink in and the pain to kick in.

Wallywobbles · 17/09/2020 21:20

Well done you. Thank you for telling your kids the truth. Let you kids and DH deal with their relationship you've got enough going on.

Why did he cancel your debit card?

Have you seen a lawyer yet. Please see more than one it can take a while to find the one. For me it was number 4.

Good luck and respect to you.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 17/09/2020 21:44

This is me being petty, but I wouldn’t let your DH know that he’s given you chlamydia. Let him find out that he’s got it for himself- and he can start wondering where he picked it up....

justilou1 · 18/09/2020 03:05

You poor thing. I am pleased that it’s curable, but VERY angry that he’s been playing hard and fast with your life like that. Stupid, selfish man!!! Honestly, why is that not accepted as a punishable offense???

vraimenthan · 18/09/2020 03:49

I feel angry on behalf of you OP. You can't just let him off the hook for his disgusting behaviour,

Fantabulous1 · 18/09/2020 04:47

Two words. Midlife crisis.

It won't last. He will totally regret this decision. He feels young in the arms of a 20 year old but as time passes, and people realise he isn't this fella's dad, he will see it for what it really is- a stupid, dirty, cringeworthy mistake.

He has totally compromised the relationship with his children for this man. What an idiot.

Be prepared for the waterworks as the paperwork progresses. When reality hits him, it is likely he will beg you for forgiveness.

footprintsintheslow · 18/09/2020 05:29

You sound incredibly strong and together OP. No doubt you'll be back on here in a matter of months giving out advice to the next woman in your position.

How will you tell him of the test results?

LadyH846 · 18/09/2020 06:05

@INCForThis123

Hi everyone Thanks again for the kind messages

I got the results for the STD test. I am positive chlamydia but am negative for everything else.

Even though It is terrible he has given me an STD I am relieved that it is not an incurable one.

Apart from this DH has paid for DD’s uni accommodation which is a massive relief.

That's really disgusting that he did that to you. I'm sorry. I'd be absolutely fuming in your position.
FallingIguanas · 18/09/2020 08:17

@INCForThis123

Hi everyone Thanks again for the kind messages

I got the results for the STD test. I am positive chlamydia but am negative for everything else.

Even though It is terrible he has given me an STD I am relieved that it is not an incurable one.

Apart from this DH has paid for DD’s uni accommodation which is a massive relief.

Even though this one may be treatable, it just shows his utter lack of respect for you. He has put your health at risk f---ing his boyfriend. I'd be livid.