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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married 20 years, DH cheated on me with 20 year old man

280 replies

INCForThis123 · 10/09/2020 17:10

As my username says I’ve name changed for this post. I’ve been an active user on this site and I don’t want to be outed on here nor my DH.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone, I’m so embarrassed confused and upset.

My DH is 46 and I am 49. We have 4 children aged 21, 18, 16 and 12.

This has been going on since November last year. DH has a job in the city, it requires him to work long hours and often he will stay in a hotel if he has to work late. I mention this because behaviour that may be suspicious to others was never suspicious to me for this reason.

Since his office opened at the start of the month DH had said he had been making trips to the office once a week.

Three days ago a close colleague to of his had arranged for an evening bbq to celebrate a birthday. Just 12 people. I had mentioned about how bad it is for places in the city that rely on big offices like coffee shops and restaurants. I said at least DH is going to the office once a week. To the surprised look of the colleague who told me that the office had been completely closed and was only opening in the October. I said maybe their was an exception for DH. But apparently not. I tried to change topic quickly.

After the BBQ I mentioned this to DH and he broke down and admitted everything to me. He had began a sexual relationship with a 20 year old Male student from London.

I asked dh if he was gay, but he refused to answer. I went to bed crying my eyes out and Dh I think went to sleep in another room.

But DH left in the morning and I haven’t seen him. He text me to say he is sorry and staying in a hotel. But not answering calls or responding to texts.

I told the kids that he was needed in Germany on business. I can’t bring myself to tell them. The oldest is at her uni accommodation and the 18 year old is about to start university in two weeks. I pretend to be normal and happy in front of them. I just say I’m a little under the weather.

I don’t know what to do. Sorry for this long post. I just have so many conflicting emotions right now.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 12/09/2020 11:30

Playing victim??? In this???? That's hilarious in a dark way.

He slept with a 20 year old. Even if you push his sexuality issues to one side for a moment, he still slept with a 20 year old. If he wanted to explore his sexuality and have an affair, he could have searched for men his own age, but he didn't. He clearly likes very young men. Just grim.

What an absolute loser.

Heffalooomia · 12/09/2020 11:41

I doubt he would leave his own daughter sort of cash
I fear that his sugardaddie expenses will take priority☹️

FallingIguanas · 12/09/2020 12:09

Well done for getting onto the legal stuff. I'm afraid to say I've seen time and again men leave their previous spouses and the children of that relationship high and dry financially, despite stating initial good intentions. Their ability to cut off from their previous lives and obligations used to shock me, now I'm wiser to it.

giletrouge · 12/09/2020 12:17

I'm wondering how you are today INCForThis123. I agree with all this stuff about not trusting him, unfortunately, but it must be very shocking to read and you're already in shock.
So I'm hoping you and your children are managing to support each other and process this. You are right at the beginning, and whilst you must act as fast as you can on practicalities you can't just ignore the huge emotional impact, which also needs - and takes - attention. Flowers

MotherofTerriers · 12/09/2020 12:49

I think legally he has to support your children through university, and you will get child maintenance from him for the younger ones. You will also get half his pensions, which may be worth a great deal, and at least half of the value of the house. You might get spousal maintenance, at least for a while, if he is a high earner and you gave up your career to support his, but you may well have to return to work. A good lawyer will be able to tell you what you are entitled to, and you may get better than the minimum he has to give you if he is feeling guilty

Closetbeanmuncher · 12/09/2020 13:14

He attempted to play victim

Dh has also suspended my debit card to his account

WOW!!

As others have said move hard and fast with the legal side of thing or you will end up royally shafted.

What an absolute piece of shit.

user1471538283 · 12/09/2020 14:19

Do not worry about him. He didn't worry about you and probably isn't know. He has broken your marriage and is off being his "true self" rubbish. I'd let him crack on with it, file for divorce and sort the house and money out. See how his shiny new boyfriend likes him with less money and time

Alfiemoon1 · 12/09/2020 14:39

So sorry op. Well done on getting on with the legal stuff and booking an sti check

Upstartcrones · 12/09/2020 14:48

MotherofTerriers there is no legal obligation to support children through university. It's completely up for negotiation as part of the settlement and may very well be what he tries to use as a bargaining chip.

OP do you know where all the assets are? he could very well start moving them around or may have already done so.

TheTeenageYears · 12/09/2020 15:04

@Upstartcrones I don't think the powers that be see it that way. The amount a student can get as a maintenance loan is based on parents income unless there is evidence that the student is estranged from parents. Parents are very much expected to top up the level of maintenance loan available the amount they are expected to top up depends on their income.

18 year old just left school living with parents and having everything paid for them can claim UC independently if not working as they are treated entirely separately from their parents. 18 year old student is expected to be supported by their parents and money available to them depending on the parents income.

Upstartcrones · 12/09/2020 15:13

TheTeenageYears expectation of support doesn't translate into legal requirement. From child maintenance perspective mandatory financial support for the child stops when the child completes their secondary education (A levels or college course) tertiary education is not mandatory.

The amount of student financial support is based on the income of the parents, however the young adult will lose out if their parent choses not to contribute. But the parent can't be compelled to contribute. This is why it is negotiable in a divorce settlement.

MotherofTerriers · 12/09/2020 15:28

Sorry @Upstartcrones, didn't mean to mislead, I'm in Scotland and I think it is an obligation here

campeachy · 12/09/2020 15:46

RTFT OP and I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm glad you have some financial security but please don't worry about him AT ALL during the divorce.

He's been able to advance in his career - including presumably also through all that sport networking, assuming that's really what he was up to - only because you were at home with the children.

You need (and deserve) a Rottweiler of a divorce lawyer.

Yeahnahmum · 12/09/2020 15:58

Tell your kids.
He will try to make up a different story and make you the baddie in that story!!!
The marriage is over
But make sure your kids dont blame you for anything , by him making up stories
Be the first to be honest.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 12/09/2020 19:12

I hope his playing the victim malarkey has removed your worries about his mental health op?

We all star in the movies of our own lives (in our heads). In his, he is the sadly misunderstood gay man who is now - FINALLY - able to come into his own, unencumbered by the children and the oh-so 20th venture vanilla hetero relationship. He's not pale, male and stale anymore - he's a misunderstood adventurer with his beloved twink by his side. And misunderstood adventurers don't trouble themselves with such mundanities as paying half the mortgage...

Lawyer on Monday my love. And I'm so glad you're getting RL support too.

justilou1 · 13/09/2020 01:17

Given that he has removed your card and ghosted your daughter, I don’t think that you can afford to give him the benefit of the doubt. He and his Twinkie are justifying their new lifestyle and none of you fit in anymore. If you’re not for them, you’re against them - regardless of the harm they are doing to you. I think it’s going to get ugly. Lawyer up immediately and make sure they’re good.

PartoftheProbl3m · 13/09/2020 09:41

I’d be very wary as to how your going to fund your divorce bearing in mind he’s stopped sharing financially and you don’t work. I’d get a job. Fast.

Ten years ago a mate paid £20k to sort hers. Without court appearances

INCForThis123 · 13/09/2020 20:22

Hey everyone
I thought I would post an update. I had my STI test and am now waiting for the results.

I am also going to meet a lawyer next week.

In regards of income, I have an apartment that I rent out from when I use to work. This provides me with enough income to support me and my younger dc in running the home. However I will still need DH to help DD with her halls and living expenses which is more than her loan. Considering coronavirus it’s unlikely she will be able to find a pt job at the moment.

I very much doubt DH will refuse to help his own daughter through university. He is in a well paying role and will be able to afford it. DD would never forgive him if he didn’t help her.

DD was able to find what we think is DH’s boyfriend on Instagram. Dh follows one 20 year old Male student in London, when the rest of his follows are middle aged oldies Grin

Based on the Instagram the boy seems to go to some quite high end places in London for a student. I’m not sure if DH is even the only person he sees. But who knows Hmm. I’m not going to tear down a 20 year old as it is DH who I am fuming at.

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 13/09/2020 20:25

So gross. He’s kidding himself there.

MsPavlichenko · 13/09/2020 20:33

Sadly Mumsnet is filled with threads with "good fathers" who did indeed stop supporting their DC, so be prepared at the very least for this to be a possibility.

PartoftheProbl3m · 13/09/2020 20:42

Agree. Act fast to get a temporary agreement before he toughens up

FallingIguanas · 13/09/2020 20:52

"Based on the Instagram the boy seems to go to some quite high end places in London for a student. I’m not sure if DH is even the only person he sees. But who knows"

As the saying goes... he's made his bed, he'll have to lie in it.

Crazycrazylady · 13/09/2020 21:07

Op
Just want to say how amazing I think you are and how dignified.
I'm so sorry that he has done this to you. He has made a lie of your entire marriage, such an incredibly selfish man to do this to someone.

Heffalooomia · 13/09/2020 21:12

Based on the Instagram the boy seems to go to some quite high end places in London for a student. I’m not sure if DH is even the only person he sees
he may have several 'patrons' perhaps all the sugar daddies compete to see who can buy him the best treats?

justasking111 · 13/09/2020 21:50

Paying his way through uni. it does happen with young women and men I believe. The difference being the women do not usually want anything to get complicated.

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