Married 20 years, DH cheated on me with 20 year old man

[INCForThis123]

As my username says I’ve name changed for this post. I’ve been an active user on this site and I don’t want to be outed on here nor my DH.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone, I’m so embarrassed confused and upset.

My DH is 46 and I am 49. We have 4 children aged 21, 18, 16 and 12.

This has been going on since November last year. DH has a job in the city, it requires him to work long hours and often he will stay in a hotel if he has to work late. I mention this because behaviour that may be suspicious to others was never suspicious to me for this reason.

Since his office opened at the start of the month DH had said he had been making trips to the office once a week.

Three days ago a close colleague to of his had arranged for an evening bbq to celebrate a birthday. Just 12 people. I had mentioned about how bad it is for places in the city that rely on big offices like coffee shops and restaurants. I said at least DH is going to the office once a week. To the surprised look of the colleague who told me that the office had been completely closed and was only opening in the October. I said maybe their was an exception for DH. But apparently not. I tried to change topic quickly.

After the BBQ I mentioned this to DH and he broke down and admitted everything to me. He had began a sexual relationship with a 20 year old Male student from London.

I asked dh if he was gay, but he refused to answer. I went to bed crying my eyes out and Dh I think went to sleep in another room.

But DH left in the morning and I haven’t seen him. He text me to say he is sorry and staying in a hotel. But not answering calls or responding to texts.

I told the kids that he was needed in Germany on business. I can’t bring myself to tell them. The oldest is at her uni accommodation and the 18 year old is about to start university in two weeks. I pretend to be normal and happy in front of them. I just say I’m a little under the weather.

I don’t know what to do. Sorry for this long post. I just have so many conflicting emotions right now.

Agree with PPs. Get tested, get a good solicitor, see a counsellor. Save your emotional energy for you and the children-screw him.

@MrsElijahMikaelson1, I'm sorry, dear, but Elijah is mine!!!!!

@MrsElijahMikaelson1, you can have Klaus!

I worry about his mental health

Do you think he is worrying about yours ?

I’m sorry OP. This must have been an awful shock for you. I would try not to worry about your H, whether he is gay or bisexual really doesn’t matter too much. He’s cheated on you & betrayed your trust. That’s the issue regardless of the circumstances.

Concentrate on yourself & your DCs. Work out what you need & want and do that. Spend time with your DCs who will soon be starting/returning to uni. Hopefully you have a good friend (or friends) in real life who you can have adult conversations with & get some support and company?

It’s not your job to explain your H’s behaviour to your DCs, although they probably do deserve the simple truth - something like H has being seeing someone else & is taking some time out while we think about things. Especially the eldest.

@AnyFucker

When you say "conflicting" emotions what do you mean ?

Beg the skanky cheating fucker to come back versus don't beg the skanky cheating fucker to come back ?

He's left. He's gay. Your relationship is over.

Needlessly harsh. I'm sure anyone would have a number of different emotions to deal with in this situation, along with the obvious anger, shock and grief I'm sure after 20 years it's difficult to switch off the concern for someone you've loved, and then there's worry for the DC who will soon have to know.

OP I don't think I can give any different advice to that already given but I'm so sorry this has happened to you

He had an affair with someone younger than your child. That was bad enough but to now be refusing to deal with the consequences of this is unforgivable.
He's a total piece of shit op

This feels like a very harsh thread. I'm so sorry OP this must be heart wrenching. Xxx

Actually DD did call him and he spoke to her, I told him about the lie and he went along with it.

He is a very good dad but generally has had a very busy lifestyle. It’s work, gym, tennis or golf. His time is very packed all the time. He is constantly doing stuff it’s been a point of contention for a long time in a relationship.

Sometimes I feel like I have to put on this perfect image for the sake of the children. Telling them is going to be so difficult but I agree with the posters who say it has to be done.

Because I know so little I am still very blinded by everything. I don’t know if DH is gay or Bi. I don’t know if this is the only affair he has had. I don’t know if he plans a relationship.

Like someone posted I am glad he told me. Because if he had said Oh I lied because I needed time out of the house I would have believed him. It has been a bit stuffy in the house with 4dc who were here during lockdown.

Thank you for all the posts. This has been really helpful. I will definitely get checked up ASAP and get legal advice.

I am also going to message DH about him coming back this weekend to tell the children. I know he is reading the messages as it’s WhatsApp. The one thing he would not want to do is not be in the DC lives.

But equally I am worried for them. He is sleeping with someone who could be his son and I don’t know how they will react to that.

He is a very good dad but generally has had a very busy lifestyle. It’s work, gym, tennis or golf. His time is very packed all the time. He is constantly doing stuff it’s been a point of contention for a long time in a relationship.

I would hazard a guess he's probably been doing this for a while and is using the above examples as excuses. I'm really sorry OP

Sorry just to add by plans a relationship I mean with the 20 year old.

I’m so sorry, this is just awful. I think it’s best that DCs know as soon as possible, otherwise they might feel that you have lied to them as well by hiding it.

Yuck he's disgusting and the very worst kind of liar. God knows what he might have given you in terms of STDs. Stop feeling sorry for him and stop being nice. Get him out of your life for good and take him for every penny.

And if it was my 20 year old ds sleeping with a creepy old man I would be bloody fuming.

Op honestly STOP thinking about him and his bloody mental health, he is fine shacked up now with his boyfriend.

You honestly need to start thinking about yourself, and your children.

He has screwed you over, and goodness how many times over the years. I very much doubt this one will be the first, or the last.

Stop calling him. Stop worrying about him and focus on your own situation. Your finances. Your house, Your future. He could walk away with everything if you let him, including his dignity, yours meanwhile is in the gutter along with everything else.

Get a shit hot lawyer and start to see this for what it is. There is no choice, no going back - he has fully checked out. So you need to do the same and quickly.

Am not picking holes in what you said because I do realise that a shitty husband can still be a good dad - the 2 are separate things in some ways. BUT leaving you to face the dcs and you trying to keep everything going for them means he isnt a good dad. No way. So dont let him think his selfishly hiding away in a hotel is acting appropriately.

You may not want him there and your feelings to want to punch him in the face are 100% understandable (I did actually do this and felt a sense of relief after that he could feel see the depth of my emotions to his confessions) but he is getting out of dealing with the aftermath of his selfish actions

You are going to have to talk to your kids at some point.
Bbq for 12 you say! Just another example of utter selfishness as is all the rest of the behaviour, I agree I wouldn't mind betting this is the tip of the iceberg,

Erm... I wouldn’t worry about is mental health. If this were just a normal affair, take out the “gay” part, and he walked out and wasn’t answering calls, I think it would be a VERY natural assumption to think he’d gone to the “other woman.” And I imagine that’s exactly what’s happening. He’s with his male affair partner right now. So I really wouldn’t worry about him. Worry about yourself, your children, etc. Personally, I don’t believe in lying on behalf of a parent who has deserted the family unless it’s right before a child’s big exams or something, and then temporarily. It will never be the right time to tell them, but don’t let him make you a liar, because in the next few months, the children will need to know they can trust you for the truth and you will be there for them. It’s not YOUR job to cover for him, because I’m sure you’re going to discover more and more of his lies. And I’m so sorry because it’s an absolutely awful thing. Also, I’m saying it now so you can prepare yourself and your heart: please get ready to find out this may not have been his first or only affair as you say he was “busy” all the time.

As others have said, he’s not thinking about you at all. He’s most likely with the 20-year-old right now (can you not check your bank or credit cards and see if there’s a hotel charge or where? That will clear up your worry and start your anger going in a hurry), which means it’s time for you to: gather your financial information; figure out what to tell your children because he’s left you to explain his absence and be the only responsible parent; schedule yourself an STD/ STI test; schedule a solicitor appointment; do NOT feel embarrassed to tell any close, trusted friends you need support from - he’s the one who should feel embarrassed; and schedule counseling if you need it or a GP appointment if you’re feeling dangerously low (even temporarily) about it, etc.

Oh OP my heart breaks for you. You must be reeling from all of this and it's going to take time to sink in.

I absolutely understand the conflicted emotions. You've had more than two decades of caring for and about him and you can't turn that off overnight.

But... a 'good dad' doesn't pack his calendar full of the things he enjoys at the expense of time with his family.
A good dad doesn't betray their mother
A good dad doesn't leave her to pick up the pieces while he runs away.

A selfish shit packs his calendar all of the things he enjoys.
A selfish shit tells lies to his wife
A selfish shit only comes clean when his lies are found out
A selfish shit does a runner and refuses to acknowledge the heartbreak he's caused.

Try, as painful as it is, to see him for what he is, and not who you thought he was. He doesn't deserve that level of thought. Focus on you - it's only your future and the future of your kids that matters now, but it's early days and you're still coming to terms with it, but as the others say, don't call him.

As hard as it is, try and eat and drink something. And get sleep. Just take it hour by hour and rely on the support of all those you have around you.

Is he a sugar daddy?.

Regardless he’s out of the way so you can gather the documents you need for a divorce.

He’s really shat all over you. I’d be questioning the other hobbies as cover stories too.

I think you know what needs to happen in the long term but for now you need to talk and amicably work out a way forward. Rushing to make decisions, getting angry etc will just make things worse. I've been through a 20 year marriage break up, it's hard, but we protected the kids as much as possible and are actually good friends still

I am really sorry this has happened to you. You will be in deep profound shock - numb for some time - and then that will wear off and the pain will be excruciating.

Please talk to a family member or trusted friend - this is when you need support.

You need support for you to be able to see this through for you DCs. How you respond will set the tone. I am not saying repress your emotions - but have someone / somewhere that there is a buffer.

He is not a good Dad because he has not been emotionally or physically present for his 4 DCs. After living away for “work” he chooses then to spend all of his time being busy with sport.

He is distant and detached.

He has been living another life and they have not been front of mind.

He has lived his whole life as a lie. You will now likely have memories bubbling up of incidents / times that confused you, that didn’t add up when he wasn’t there.

You have no idea of the truth, the full story - he will never tell you it - assume the worst and don’t waste your finite emotional energy trying to find out or worrying about him. This “student” could be a rent boy / a scene / one of many. You have no idea.

Worry about yourself and your DCs. Their future disrupted, changed - their past re-written.

Please take care of yourself and prioritise your MH and that of your DCs.

So sorry this has happened OP.
Please take good care of yourself and get some support from friends and family.
I think hes a selfish cowardly shit who doesn't deserve your concern. However in reality I know it takes a while to turn off those feelings- when it does take him for every penny.

He's not bothered about your mh yet he is the cheat and a bloody liar.
He's gay and he's lied about it all your time together.
He's a perv too, with a 20 year old, ew.
FGS get rid of the creep and tell the kids, they'll never forgive you if you don't.
Better still text him saying he has 24 hours to tell family or it's going all over social media.

My love, he's behaved appallingly to you. I'm so sorry.

However, now you've discovered what's been going on, he's finding whole new ways to behave appallingly to you and your family and piling horror upon horror for you. Not unnaturally you need answers, but he's just sticking his fingers in his ears and saying la la la, I'm not listening. He's a selfish git and in his world everything is currently about him.

Please, don't cover up for him. Tell people you trust and get some support. Then you can work out a way to tell your children. Currently there's only one adult in your relationship, and it needs to be you. 💕💐

Be the strong leader your family unit needs, and take support in privacy from your friends or weep alone when you need to. Sending you best wishes and strength,

Hope x

"He is a very good dad but generally has had a very busy lifestyle. It’s work, gym, tennis or golf."

Your bar for a "good dad" is very low indeed!
A good dad makes time for his children and family and doesn't fill it with hobbies.
Oh and a good dad doesn't fuck someone who is younger than his oldest child

I am sorry about what you're going through OP and I can imagine the shock. I do think you need to talk to someone in real life. And do your best to detach from the desire to make excuses for him, worry about him, etc. Unfortunately he has been monumentally selfish and shown no concern for you or the children. You need to focus on taking care of yourself and you will need to support the children too because he sure as well won't.

Not to take away from hi absolute betrayal of you but I'm interested in why you describe him as a very good dad when he's away for much of the week working and when he isn't working, is pursuing sports (I assume not with you or your children).

Does ' very good' mean he pays for things without complaint?