Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Married 20 years, DH cheated on me with 20 year old man

280 replies

INCForThis123 · 10/09/2020 17:10

As my username says I’ve name changed for this post. I’ve been an active user on this site and I don’t want to be outed on here nor my DH.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone, I’m so embarrassed confused and upset.

My DH is 46 and I am 49. We have 4 children aged 21, 18, 16 and 12.

This has been going on since November last year. DH has a job in the city, it requires him to work long hours and often he will stay in a hotel if he has to work late. I mention this because behaviour that may be suspicious to others was never suspicious to me for this reason.

Since his office opened at the start of the month DH had said he had been making trips to the office once a week.

Three days ago a close colleague to of his had arranged for an evening bbq to celebrate a birthday. Just 12 people. I had mentioned about how bad it is for places in the city that rely on big offices like coffee shops and restaurants. I said at least DH is going to the office once a week. To the surprised look of the colleague who told me that the office had been completely closed and was only opening in the October. I said maybe their was an exception for DH. But apparently not. I tried to change topic quickly.

After the BBQ I mentioned this to DH and he broke down and admitted everything to me. He had began a sexual relationship with a 20 year old Male student from London.

I asked dh if he was gay, but he refused to answer. I went to bed crying my eyes out and Dh I think went to sleep in another room.

But DH left in the morning and I haven’t seen him. He text me to say he is sorry and staying in a hotel. But not answering calls or responding to texts.

I told the kids that he was needed in Germany on business. I can’t bring myself to tell them. The oldest is at her uni accommodation and the 18 year old is about to start university in two weeks. I pretend to be normal and happy in front of them. I just say I’m a little under the weather.

I don’t know what to do. Sorry for this long post. I just have so many conflicting emotions right now.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 11/09/2020 09:02

I am not at all suggesting that he should have continued to lie - but as in any relationship when there is a long term problem you can choose to leave and seek happiness in a calm dignified and respectful way.

At anytime over the years he could have been open with you about his sexuality (not his cheating) and looked for to manage this a leave gently with you and the DCs supported and protected.

But he made other choices, day in day out which have exposed your physical health and you and your DCs MH health. There was no need for it to be this way. He has always put himself first, second and third.

PaternosterLoft · 11/09/2020 09:08

I agree with PP that it totalling suits him to confess to this right now with the ages that your children are - subconsciously he will feel he has done his duty and maybe is triggered by DD leaving home and having her freedom

Yes. It's far cheaper for him to divorce OP now the children are independent. And also he won't have to give up his golfing weekends or after work gym sessions for his EOW & one weekday overnight child contact.

You've been a useful tool and now he doesn't need you anymore. Please get legal advice ASAP, he's way ahead of you in planning this.

heymacaroner · 11/09/2020 09:12

Just popping back to give you a virtual hug OP Flowers

Heffapotamus · 11/09/2020 09:15

@PaternosterLoft

I agree with PP that it totalling suits him to confess to this right now with the ages that your children are - subconsciously he will feel he has done his duty and maybe is triggered by DD leaving home and having her freedom

Yes. It's far cheaper for him to divorce OP now the children are independent. And also he won't have to give up his golfing weekends or after work gym sessions for his EOW & one weekday overnight child contact.

You've been a useful tool and now he doesn't need you anymore. Please get legal advice ASAP, he's way ahead of you in planning this.

I was married to someone like this (not LGBTQI but leaving once my usefulness was served).
OP I really feel for you - it is a crushing blow. Please get a good solicitor. I had to fight tooth and nail for 50% from "Mr Generous". I'll never have the lifestyle we both worked for - I gave up my career to raise the children, while his flourished - but there is a life beyond all that.
Holding your hand and sending you strength xxx

NewAutumnName · 11/09/2020 09:27
Flowers

STI check for you and him.

He is gay or bi otherwise he wouldn't have a sexual relationship with a man.

Sit down and decide what you want to do about it. Disregard what he wants. Do what you want and what makes you happy. Good luck.

Clymene · 11/09/2020 09:48

The OP has posted a mere 9 posts on this thread. You can filter by her posts by clicking on the funnel icon on the top right of the app so you only have to read those, rather than the whole thread.

On sensitive and highly traumatic threads like this, it would be courteous if people would do that at the very least before commenting.

SirVixofVixHall · 11/09/2020 09:54

The fact he is gay doesn’t mean that this isn’t a well trodden path. Middle aged man becomes obsessed with very young person, and imagines themselves in love, wrecks life. A mid life crisis so cliched that it is a bit pathetic.
I also think that keeping up the pretence of heterosexuality for your whole marriage is pretty unforgivable, I mean He really must have known in his twenties that he was attracted to men, and he has clearly known for some time that he is gay . Coming out in the 2000s was hardly a big deal ! He has taken away from you, the choice to be with a man attracted to men. Had you known , you might have felt that you still wanted to be with him, but you may well not have done.

Heffalooomia · 11/09/2020 10:46

Middle aged man becomes obsessed with very young person
Indeed and me thinks the very young person has most of the power here, I'd think that hot young guys are much in demand amongst older man?

TwentyViginti · 11/09/2020 10:54

Hot young gay men are sometimes referred to as twinks. Some are 'gay for pay'.

justasking111 · 11/09/2020 14:26

@TwentyViginti

Hot young gay men are sometimes referred to as twinks. Some are 'gay for pay'.
Guess it would pay for uni.
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 11/09/2020 15:09

This worries my on the OP’s behalf as what’s the likelihood of this hot young man sticking around now that reality’s hitting? It’s no longer romance in hotels, it’ll be a middle-aged man in a flat with four children ( close to his own age) who will probably resent him? I think he’ll run a mile.

Then her DH might try to come crawling back and she’ll need to stay very strong. 💐

INCForThis123 · 11/09/2020 15:17

Hey everyone
Dh came home yesterday and we had a very long chat about it. We will be separating but he has said that he still wants to be in the Dc lives.

He attempted to play victim (as a lot of posters predicted he would). It ended up in a shouting match. All the DC now know apart from the youngest who has simply been told that DH is having an affair and we are separating.

I spoke to my mum and sister both have been round today. It’s just so difficult. My DD 18 is very upset with him thinks he is disgusting.

Dh has also suspended my debit card to his account. But luckily I have enough money for the time being so that’s not an issue.

I suppose perhaps it wasn’t the best him coming into a house of 5 strong women who told him exactly what they thought of him. But equally it did make me feel a bit better Grin.

I suppose maybe I am overthinking this. But I can’t understand why DH is adamant to pursue a relationship with a 20 year old. How does he expect that to work with his own dc. I can understand how a man around his age could work. But how does he expect DC to feel about that relationship. Does he not expect them to feel confused or jealous.

Apart from that I feel emotionally like I have been hit by a truck. I am booked in for an STI test tomorrow and should get the results fairly quickly and this should be another thing to clear off my mind.

OP posts:
justasking111 · 11/09/2020 15:19

He has suspended your access to his debit account already, what a shit he is. He is planning bloody fast, you need to be fast too.

justasking111 · 11/09/2020 15:20

By blocking money he is also telling kids to crack on without his help, unbelievable.

MulticolourMophead · 11/09/2020 15:22

@justasking111

He has suspended your access to his debit account already, what a shit he is. He is planning bloody fast, you need to be fast too.
OP, I agree. This has all the hallmarks of turning nasty. He's going to try and shaft you in the divorce, if he's suspending your access to money already.
AmICrazyorWhat2 · 11/09/2020 15:24

Suspending your debit card so quickly is a warning sign, OP. Please dig out and make copies of all financial information today. Go online and save off bank statements, etc. as he’ll probably change passwords next.

Having witnessed other people going through this, you need to assume that he’s going to try and leave you with as little as possible....doesn’t matter how lovely he was before, assume he’s no longer your friend ( nor willing to support his DC).
I’m sorry to be so blunt but some people do seem to undergo a personality change during divorce.

Sssloou · 11/09/2020 15:24

Dh has also suspended my debit card to his account.

This is key.
This is how he will behave.
Get the best lawyer you can - it’s a v good return in investment. They often hold fees in account if there is sufficient family assets.

You have done all of the hard stuff v quickly. That’s brilliant.

But yes - the numb and shock will wear off and the rage and pain will be relentless and deep....so please rest and care for yourself.

Please don’t concern yourself about how he will integrate his “relationship” with the DCs.

That’s his ludicrous delusion to work through. It’s not going to happen.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 11/09/2020 15:25

I’d this account a joint account? If so, you can get a new card- and I would do it immediately before he clears it out.

Itsrainingnotmen · 11/09/2020 15:29

Ring the bank. Can you get the account frozen for now? Or call in and withdraw half...
Remember op - regarding the finances it really is your or him.
No more Miss Nice Girl..

SpaceOP · 11/09/2020 15:29

OP, I'm really sorry this is happening to you. But I agree with other posters - he is NOT planning to be nice about this or make any meaningful effort to support you or the DC. Cancelling access to cash already?! That's an extraordinarily bad sign and you need to get legal support very very quickly. How are bills usually met? If you normally use his account to pay for household bills, food etc, that should still be happening and I am very concerned that it's stopped. Especially as it will also impact your DC. Ditto, what about direct debits - is he about to cut all those off?

Sssloou · 11/09/2020 15:42

www.wiselaw.co.uk/divorce-solicitors-london/

This is an independent rating of divorce lawyers. You can make contact online.

BarcelonaBetty · 11/09/2020 15:48

If you have a debit card it must be a joint account. He simply cannot stop you using the account. if you're named on the bank account get straight on to the bank and request a new card.
It is slightly different to a credit card but as you said debit I'm guessing this is a bank account.
Please don't believe he is going to be fair, everything he has done has shown his true colours.

SpaceOP · 11/09/2020 15:51

@BarcelonaBetty

If you have a debit card it must be a joint account. He simply cannot stop you using the account. if you're named on the bank account get straight on to the bank and request a new card. It is slightly different to a credit card but as you said debit I'm guessing this is a bank account. Please don't believe he is going to be fair, everything he has done has shown his true colours.
No, you can give someone a debit card on your account. It doesn't have to be a joint account.
BarcelonaBetty · 11/09/2020 15:58

@SpaceOP thank you, I work in a bank and we don't offer this on bank accounts but totally appreciate other lenders will have different criteria.
Do you have your own money op, the last thing you want to be doing is eating into your savings to provide for his children.
He has behaved appallingly so far, normally at this stage they are still playing fair but it seems he's started as means to go on